by Chapple, GL
“You are the best version of you when you’re with me, Mads, because you’re real. You’re you – there are no false smiles or fake laughter; you don’t need to hide things or be something you’re not. You don’t think before you speak or worry about how to react: you are you, Mads. There is no pretence. You don’t need to find yourself – you’re right here in front of me - and I really like you, the real you, the person that you are and the person you make me want to be.”
I chewed my lip. My heart, which had threatened to explode, had now stopped beating, frozen solid in my chest as it slowly began to expand. I attempted to gulp air into my lungs. It felt as if my body had forgotten how to function.
“Nothing is going to change, Maddie. I’m still the same person. You’ve lived here for a few weeks now, and you’ve known me for a long time. You know me! You don’t need to drive yourself crazy thinking things that aren’t true. You know my flaws. You know my past – some of it, anyway,” he added quickly. “You know me better than most people. I’m trusting that you won’t hurt me, and I’m simply asking you to trust the same of me. I know you want this, but I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you feel brave enough to jump – just know that I’m going to be in free fall right next to you, and I promise to catch you.” He didn’t wait for me to react, but turned and walked into the kitchen.
I did want him - I knew I did. When it was just the two of us, I couldn’t think about anything else. The world ceased to exist. My worries and fears melted away and I just wanted to feel his arms around me and his lips on me.
I wanted him and what he could offer me in the way of orgasms and aching limbs...but a relationship? Love? That scared the crap out of me.
I wasn’t ready to go there again.
A small voice whispered away at me in the back of my mind, asking me how much things would really change. He was right: we were already living together, and how different was a friendship from a relationship, aside from the obvious physical aspect of the relationship?
I pushed everything away. I didn’t want to deal with this. I wanted to go back to when we were just friends, and it was simple.
I couldn’t deal with these feelings and emotions at the moment: it was all too overwhelming.
Marcus called through from the kitchen that the food would be twenty minutes, and I sat down and closed my eyes.
We shared the food and watched a film. Marcus smiled and joked and acted exactly the same as any other night, but I found it hard to concentrate. We shared the sofa but the gap between us felt huge. I was glad when the film ended and I could make my excuses to go to bed but Marcus spoke before me, saying that he needed to get an early night. I sat on the sofa, listening to him moving about upstairs.
For the first time in this house, I felt alone.
I didn’t want to upset her; that’s the absolute last thing I wanted to do. The minute I’d seen her face fall, I’d wanted to sweep her up in my arms and make her feel better – but I couldn’t control this. She had to decide how she wanted to proceed; she needed to be the driving force for this and know that she had control.
It was going to fucking kill me.
I’d sat next to her all evening, itching to touch her, aware of the heat radiating off her body and feeling as if I was dying a slow, painful death in a furnace.
Patience was not a virtue I possessed.
I’d been tempted to remind her just how good we’d been together, to let her try and talk herself out of what we had when the memory of me making her scream and moan was fresh in her head, when her body was still sated and spent and her muscles ached…but no, I’d been told – or maybe warned was a better word – that this would be the wrong thing to do. I would usually have told my sister to piss off, but something struck a chord with me. I’d told Maddie that I didn’t just want to fuck her. I wanted more. If I made this purely physical, it would take away from what I’d been saying – I wanted her to know that I’d meant it.
So…I was going to have to go back to long, hot, soapy showers.
Kelly and Maddie were both packing their bags. I was hiding in the living room, trying to ignore how miserable it was making me. Maddie was now able to live back at her house, and I’d finally told Kelly to move the remainder of her stuff and make it official.
“Hey, I’m pretty much done. I think Maddie might need help with her case. Carl laughed and told me to get you - he said he’s not even attempting it since it took me and Mads sitting on it to get it shut.” Kelly gave me a lopsided grin. I knew she was curious about what was going on with me and Maddie, but she’d not pressed me for details.
“You both ready?”
“Yeah. Are you going to be alright?”
“Of course I am,” I scoffed. “I’ll get my house back.”
“Hmm! It’s a shame we’re both going at the same time.” She met my eyes for a moment before turning pensive. “Maybe I gave you bad advice.”
“Maddie was always going to go back to her house, Kel.” I lifted my feet off the coffee table and got up from the sofa. I could hear Maddie and Carl laughing upstairs and blew out a heavy exhale as I climbed up the stairs to meet them.
I carried Maddie’s case downstairs, and Carl followed with Kelly’s. The girls embraced, laughing and wiping their eyes as they said their goodbyes. Kelly pulled me in for a long hug, tears rolling down her cheeks as she promised that she’d still see me all the time.
“Of course you will, stop being ridiculous, woman.” I held her tightly, though, the thought of having to let her walk away from me again making me feel sick even though I knew I was being as silly as the women were.
“You’ll be fine, Kel.” I met Carl’s eyes over her head, silently confirming this statement and warning him of grave consequences otherwise. He nodded subtly.
He was a good guy - I knew that- but it wasn’t making this any easier. We pulled apart, and I laughed at her again as she wiped her eyes.
“We’ll catch up again soon. It’ll be hardly any different: you had practically moved out anyway!” I kissed her head and stepped back from her. “Come on! Stop being silly and get moving.”
She wiped her face again and pulled me back in for yet another embrace. Breaking abruptly, she yelled Carl’s name, barking orders at him and walking swiftly to her car for probably the tenth time that day. I watched as they stored the cases, got into the car and waved at me through the window.
Maddie was standing awkwardly. I knew that she’d wanted to leave first, but Kelly had rushed to get her stuff together and set off. I knew she’d left first on purpose.
Maddie smiled as she tugged her case behind her. “I’ve got this. I’m sure it’ll fit in my car, and I’ll sort it out when I get home. Thanks for everything – for letting me stay - and for everything you’ve done.”
She looked uncomfortable. I wanted to kiss her tension away; I wanted to hold her until her frown disappeared and make her happy. Hell! I wanted to do all sorts of things to her that I really shouldn’t be thinking about.
“No problem at all. You’re always welcome here - you know that - anytime.” I reached for the case, taking it from her to lift it up into the boot of the car. She walked around and stood beside the driver’s door.
“So…um…thanks…again…for everything.”
I leaned forward, watching the way her eyes dilated and she tilted her head back to meet me. Her lips parted slightly, and I wanted nothing more than to capture them with mine. I wanted to push her up against the car and make her rethink her decision about moving out, but instead I brought my face close to her ear to repeat, “Anything for you, Mads…anytime,” and then I kissed her gently on the cheek.
I felt her breath leave her in a rush as I pulled back. I knew she was disappointed – that made two of us, but I was playing the long game here; I knew she wanted me, and I knew she needed to be the one to make the move.
I stepped back away from her and waved her off as she drove away.
TWO MONTHS LATER
I loved my house. After everything that had happened between me and Christian, I’d been desperate to get back home, but then I’d moved in with Marcus, and now, despite being home, I felt as if something was missing.
He still sent me silly messages most days - jokes, funny things that had happened or questions for me to answer - but I missed seeing him. I missed hanging out with him and chatting about nothing and everything.
I’d lived on my own for a long time, but now I felt more alone than I had for years. I’d started training with Paul, Lena’s instructor. She’d insisted, and, in all honesty, it hadn’t been a bad idea. She’d been on at me for a few years, but I’d been happy making my excuses and keeping up my sporadic appearances at the gym, but now I understood why she loved it so much. I’d always been lucky enough to be slim, so I’d never needed to work out or exercise to maintain my figure, but I’d learnt that it wasn’t about how I looked: feeling fit, strong and capable was a thousand times better than being effortlessly slim.
Christian had contacted me a few weeks after I’d moved back home - no doubt he’d heard. Initially, it had been a bunch of flowers with a card expressing his sadness that I was back in my own house, alone, and that I didn’t need to be. I’d stared at them for a full minute or two before bursting into laughter, catching hold of them by the ribbon at the base of the bouquet and smashing it repeatedly against the wall, so that I was left with a withered, headless bunch of broken stems. I’m sure I must have looked like a crazy person, but it was somehow therapeutic. He’d contacted me another two more times, on both occasions expressing regret that we’d been unable to make things work, telling me that I didn’t need to be on my own, that I was deserving of love, and reassuring me that he was willing to take me back and try again. Reading the messages, with the benefit of distance and a clear head, I couldn’t believe that I’d stayed with him as long as I had or the treatment that I’d put up with. I replied to his second message, taking the more mature approach of simply asking him not to contact me anymore, rather than sending the nasty, vicious go-fuck-yourself messages that I’d typed out and deleted a number of times.
“Shit!” I shrieked as I raced around the kitchen, yanking open the windows as the smoke detector blared loudly. I dragged one of the dining chairs beneath the stupid contraption and attempted to fan it with my hands whilst puffing and blowing to try and clear the smoke. The high-pitched noise finally stopped as I hit the reset button, and the smoke drifted away through the open windows and doors.
“Cooking up a feast as usual, Nigella?” Lena teased, as she leaned in the doorway. She grinned at the sight of me standing on a chair, looking flustered, whilst the oven was wide open displaying a very black pizza.
I jumped down off the chair “I got distracted,” I muttered. “We’ll have to order in.” I pushed the chair back to the table and pulled my poor baking tray out of the oven. I gave up on trying to free the pizza from its welded position and placed the tray, pizza still attached, on the worktop, ready to be thrown into the large bin outside.
“Wine first,” Lena announced, helping herself to two glasses and pouring us both a drink. “Come on! Come chat with me first, and we’ll order in a little while.”
I followed her through to the living room where we both sat down on the sofa. We’d made it a regular ritual now: every other Friday we’d catch up, even if it was just for an hour. I loved this time together. We chatted easily for half an hour or so, her filling me in on her week and letting me know how her wedding plans were coming on, before she asked about my week. I shrugged - there wasn’t too much to say.
“Are you happy here?” she asked me, catching me off guard.
“Of course. What makes you think otherwise?”
She shrugged, and I caught her glancing at her phone. “I thought you moving back home was a good idea. I thought you needed to leave Marcus’ house and come back here to get control and think things through.”
“Alright…”
“Now, I’m not so sure.”
“I don’t understand.”
“My first thought when I wake up in the morning is of Nate, whether he’s there in bed with me or not, and before I go to sleep, he’s the person I’m thinking about.”
“I’m sure he’d be thrilled to know that.”
“What’s yours?”
I swallowed, “My what?”
She raised her eyebrows and waited for me to answer. I gulped the rest of my wine.
“Do you remember what you told me when I was struggling - right back in the beginning when I wanted to go and work with my father, but things were tough – do you remember what you said?” Lena asked, continuing to speak since I’d neglected to answer her question.
I tried to think back, and she smiled. “You told me that, if it was on my mind all the time, it was worth fighting for. I told you I was scared and struggling, and you told me that that would make it so much sweeter when I got everything I wanted. You told me to have faith in myself and to go for it. If it was on my mind, then it really meant something to me.”
Lena and I hadn’t really spoken much about Marcus. She’d waited patiently when I’d told her that I needed to get myself sorted, but it looked like my time had run out.
“I remember.”
“Do you want to know how many people Marcus has slept with in the last few months?”
I looked down at my hands as I twisted my ring around my finger and chewed my lip. I did not want to know the answer to that, just the thought of it made my stomach clench.
“One.”
I exhaled slowly. Did one mean that he was with someone?...that he was in a relationship now? He’d not mentioned anything to me, but then, why would he? I clenched my jaw, trying to stop myself from chewing my lip as I felt so tense I was likely to hurt myself.
Lena let the silence drag on for a second.
“That one was you, Mads. He’s not been with anyone since.”
I jerked my head up to look at her. She was grinning at me, obviously knowing the impact her previous statement would have on me. I wanted to call her a bitch, but the relief was too much.
“I can see the relief in your eyes from here. You like him, Mads. Why are you denying yourself? Why are you punishing both of you? What is this time apart supposed to be doing except for making both of you miserable? I understand that you needed time to get yourself sorted, but you’re there now. Stop wasting time!”
“I don’t even know if he…”
She cut me off with a scoff. “Mads, of course he does! Listen! You’ve moved out to give yourself space, but he’s already in your head. You can’t escape from your thoughts, which, I have no doubt, he occupies most of. You once told me you can ignore the things you don’t want to hear; you can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see; but you can’t stop your heart from feeling the things that it feels. I have no doubt you were quoting some random person or religious figure…”
I started laughing, and she paused.
“Johnny Depp,” I confirmed, and we both burst into laughter.
I sat there wiping the tears from my eyes and watched as she once again glanced furtively at her phone.
“What have you done?”
She turned to me, wide-eyed and innocent. “What do you mean?”
“Why do you keep watching your phone?”
“I’m just checking the time for the food.”
“Food? But we haven’t…” The knocking at the door stopped me mid-sentence. Lena grinned even wider, and my heart rate began to pick up. She was definitely up to something. I walked towards the door, subconsciously running my hands through my hair and cursing myself for not making more of an effort – though, in my defence, I’d only been expecting Lena to call for an hour or two.
I glanced back at her as I reached the door. She was beaming at me, and I wished I felt her confidence.
I opened the door and saw Nate standing in front of me - on his own. Disappointment swamped me, and I blinked fast, forc
ing a broad smile to my face. “You’re crashing our girls’ night!” I exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
“Jesus, no! I’m coming to get my girl.”
I swung back to look at Lena, feeling even more confused. She’d stood up and was moving towards me, still grinning despite the questions she must have seen on my face. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight, whispering to me to think about what she’d said before she closed the door.
What the hell was going on?
I walked back to where we’d been sitting and picked up our wine glasses. I placed Lena’s in the sink and topped mine up. I was about to go and sit down again when there was another knock at my door. I froze. I was nervous to answer it. My hopes were soaring, and I didn’t think I could take any more disappointment. I put down the wine glass and walked towards the door, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before swinging it open.
Marcus stood in front of me, and I almost cried out in relief. I hadn’t realised just how much I missed seeing him.
“I told you we could go back to being friends. I told you I’d give you time, but it’s been 58 fucking endless days, and I’m done. I tried, Mads.”
My whole body was tense. Was he calling it quits? Was he walking away from me completely? Fuck! Why hadn’t I told him how I felt. Why had I let the days slide away from me, one after another, until weeks had gone by?
“I told you - patience is not my virtue.”
“I’m so sorry!…I didn’t mean for this much time to pass. I don’t want to be your friend. I should have told you before now. I was scared, I am scared, but more now…”
I was rambling, panicking at the thought of losing him, wishing that I’d had the courage to speak to him before now, to tell him how I really felt. I’d been a coward, and now I was going to lose him.
