Escaping Heaven

by Cliff Hicks

  Once it was gone, Jake exhaled, not realizing he’d been holding his breath from the moment Franco had cut the portal. Then he smiled, not the fake smiles he’d been giving to people in Heaven, but an honest, genuine smile, one of intense satisfaction and joy, unadulterated glee.

  He’d made it. He’d done it. He’d really done it.

  Jake Altford was the first person to escape Heaven.

  * * * * *

  Bob found relaxation in the stacks of books. It was the best place to keep his head low, and there were rarely people coming through. It wasn’t that Heaven didn’t get a lot of readers, because some parts of the library were so heavily traversed that the shelves had been pushed further apart so there was more room for people to come and go. But this particular area of the stacks was nothing but rules, regulations, laws, ordinances and family histories. No one wanted to go read about things long since irrelevant or lost, not that people had been known to read rulebooks that much when they were alive either. Either way, it was the one section that almost never saw a soul pass through it. Even the librarians rarely came around, figuring there was no need to check up on an unused section.

  So there was no one to bother Bob.

  It had been nonstop wall-to-wall music for him for the last few days. Bob had been doing his research, and one of the things that amazed him the most about Heaven was that batteries ran forever in the Heavenly realms. The Cherubim was sure there was some sort of technical mumbo-jumbo about how a battery drew power from celestial presence, or that there was no need for energy in the afterlife, but really, Bob just liked the idea that nothing ever died in Heaven, not even batteries. They, like anything else in Heaven, weren’t allowed to do anything Heaven didn’t want. So he’d been enjoying his tunes, for as long as it would last. Bob didn’t expect it to be very long, so he wanted as much of the music in his head as he could get. Bob had learned not to get his hopes up. Less room for disappointment that way. So when an angel walked up behind him and tugged the earbuds from his ears, he wasn’t surprised in the least.

  “Hey, could you be careful with those? You have any idea how hard it is to get intact headphones off a dead body?” Bob grimaced. “You break them, I’m gonna be scrounging for another few months, at least. And if God knows anything about me, He knows I hate a hard day’s work.”

  “Relax, would you?” James said. “Breaking something in Heaven takes a lot more than a little tug. I should know, of all people.”

  “What, you some kind of legbreaker?” Bob asked as James stepped around from behind Bob’s chair. He looked up at the angel with a wry smile. “Here to take me in? Rough me up?”

  James chuckled as he moved to sit in the chair opposite Bob, holding his gaze steady with the Cherubim’s as he settled in on the other side of the table. “That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing the Bible describes angels doing. Nor any other Holy Book I’m familiar with, and believe me, I’ve read them all. I’ve had the time.”

  Bob pushed pause on the iPod and then started to roll up the headphones as he looked James over. “Me too, but there’s a long list of things that ain’t in those books. Lots of things happen up here that I think would’ve made for great reading in some of those things. Still, no one ever writes the good stuff down now do they?” He started to pull the iPod off the table when James placed his hand on Bob’s wrist.

  “They surely do not, sir,” James said to him. “They also don’t say anything about doodads like that.” He gestured to the iPod in Bob’s hand, a device he wasn’t familiar with. James could tell by the subtle way Bob was attempting to move it out of his vision that it had some kind of importance to him. Just because he wasn’t familiar with this specific object didn’t mean he couldn’t recognize a person attempting to protect something that had perceived value to them. “Too much changing in the modern world to keep up with, I suppose.”

  “Well, ain’t that for the best of me, then?” Bob pulled his hand back as James lifted his hand off his wrist. “Means it can’t possibly be against any rules they have up here, y’know?”

  James smirked wryly. “Doesn’t mean it isn’t contraband nonetheless, regardless if it is on some arbitrary list. You know that. That means there’s a lot of leeway for the people who have to keep tabs on the people working in Heaven. The rules up here are pretty flexible.”

  Bob started to enjoy this. It was a little bit like chess, each of them sacrificing pieces to gain tactical advantage. The angel wanted something, and this was all a ploy to get something out of Bob, and both Bob and the angel knew it. “Sure are, but you know I’d get it back eventually.” The Cherubim also noted that James didn’t have a sword hilt in his belt, which meant he wasn’t one of the enforcement patrol. Not right now, anyway. That was a point in Bob’s favor. “I did my homework before I picked up this little baby. I got myself a list, and I checked it twice and there’s nothing against music anywhere in the books, and that means this is all mine, unless they write it into the books that I can’t have it, and I think we both know they’re too lazy for that.”

  “Is that what that is? A music player? Tiny little thing like that? How much music is in there?”

  Bob grinned. “All of it?” The short man waved his hand. “A lot. Enough. You’d be amazed at how much technology has changed things. A month’s worth of music straight, all on a box the size of a box of cigarettes. I aim to keep it. Take it from me and I’m going to get it back.”

  James broadened his smile a bit more, waving a hand. “I’m sure you would, but it would take time. Time where you wouldn’t be listening to the music I’m sure you had to work so hard to get. Wouldn’t you rather just avoid that?” James knew this game just as well as Bob did. Give a little, take a little, dance a bit to the left, dance a bit to the right, inch towards your real goal while giving away as little as possible. “Wouldn’t you rather I didn’t have to take it to someone in charge of these things?”

  “Now we’re getting somewhere,” Bob replied as he kicked his feet up onto the table between the two men. “You want something from me in order for me to keep my little secret. Fair enough. Depends on what you want. Something minor, well, hell, it’d just be like one friend doing another a favor.”

  James kicked up his own feet in reply, rocking his chair back onto two legs. He had missed this. Not hunting people down, but the puzzle of it, the joy of something new, something unknown, something he didn’t immediately respond to in a predictable manner. “Well, I like making new friends. So maybe you can be my friend.”

  “Maybe I can. Whaddaya wanna know?”

  “I’m looking for another friend of mine. Jacob Altford. What can you tell me about him?”

  Bob paused for a second, cocking his head to the side as he pondered the angel for a long moment. It certainly wasn’t a name Bob had expected to hear again, but he knew immediately that the rules of the game had changed. The angel had put his queen into a tempting spot, and Bob needed to take a moment to make sure he wasn’t doing anything rash. Bob had the advantage, and he aimed to play it properly. A feint would tell him everything he needed to know. “Why don’t you ask him yourself?” He had to wonder why they were coming to him, and when he saw James’ smile falter just in the slightest, he knew he had him. His instincts had been right. “Ooooooh. I see. Lost him, did we?”

  James waggled a finger at Bob. “You know we can’t have civvies running loose in Heaven. He went on for a stroll, it seems. You know anything about that?”

  “How would I know anything about that? I bring’em up, I drop’em in line and that’s it. Past that, they’re not my problem. They’re yours.” Bob laughed quietly. He could tell from James’ reaction that he was one of the specific people who’d been keeping Jake somewhere, and somehow he’d gotten lost. Probably in the lines somewhere, Bob figured, but hell, he supposed the angel across the table from him could’ve been one of the processors and maybe Jake had just bolted out the door. It never seemed to occur to anyone in Heaven that the doors they sa
w around them might all just be open. “Where’d you lose him?”

  “The quarters.”

  Bob’s eyes widened a little bit and then he grinned at him, cocking his head to one side. That certainly explained a few things. “May as well tell your friends to get out of the shadows. They’re terrible at hiding. They’ve been standing there the whole time and I’ve known about them since I turned the iPod off. Figured they’d have walked over here once you started talking. Then it was cute that they thought I didn’t notice them. Now, though… now it’s just sad.” He’d noticed the other two the minute he’d started talking to James, but figured if they were hiding, they’d assume he didn’t notice them, and it might give him an edge later. Now, though, he was simply more curious about their presence.

  Shelly sighed as she and Randall moved away from the stacks. “What gave us away?”

  “Who, you or him?”

  Randall cocked his head. “Is there a difference?”

  Bob looked at him strangely for a moment, a weird smile on his face. “Other than the breasts?”

  Randall let out a deep breath, trying to prevent himself from strangling the Cherub and his obnoxious wit. “Is there a difference in how you knew I was there and how you knew she was there?”

  The Cherub chuckled. “Sure. You breathe heavily and she actually wears perfume. Lord only knows why, seeing as there’s no sex up here, but she does.” He paused for a second then smiled at her. “Smells nice, though.”

  Shelly looked sheepishly at her feet before smiling politely at Bob. “Thanks. Figured I should at least put in the effort.”

  The Cherub shifted, looking over her slowly, then nodded at her appreciatively. “Honey, if a pretty girl like you needs to use honey to attract flies, you’re doing something wrong. Not that I don’t appreciate the view.” Shelly wore her tunic a little tighter than most women did in Heaven, and Bob had certainly noticed. (He may have been dead, but he certainly wasn’t dead.) He turned his gaze back to James, as if trying to focus on the conversation at hand again. “So how’d he get out of the quarters? Dig a tunnel or something, like some old prison movie?”

  “No, that was how we got out. You think he could hide something like that from us?” James’ voice had a slight bit of frustration to it, but he was bottling it down quickly, trying to keep it in check, trying to keep up that iceberg cool persona he was putting forth to the Cherub. It didn’t phase Bob at all.

  Bob couldn’t help but chortle. “Kid, he got out. I don’t know what he can and can’t hide from you, but I know that getting out of the quarters isn’t something that happens very often, if ever, so clearly you were doing something wrong.”

  Randall started to step towards Bob angrily, but James raised his hand, signaling him to remain where he was. “No, that’s a fair point, Bob; that’s a completely fair point. One of my brethren was so excited about the news of the latest Lucifer sighting, he broke protocol and ran into the antechamber, leaving the door wide open behind him. While all five of us were standing there, Jacob ran past us and slammed the door behind him, locking us in. That, as you say, is how he got out.”

  The Cherubim nodded sagely. “Makes sense. Leave an opening and someone’s bound to take it. I guess I can also assume you bozos didn’t let anyone know about this, so you could cover your own asses.”

  “We’re certainly looking out for our self-interests. I think that’s a fair assessment. So tell us what you can about Jacob Altford,” James said as he folded his hands together in his lap. The angel knew that Bob had certainly more on them than they had on him, but the Cherubim didn’t seem unwilling to talk, so James figured his best approach was simply to play it cool and see how much they could get from man.

  “Not all that much to tell. Kid didn’t strike me particularly as a troublemaker when I picked him up, otherwise I would’ve siphoned him off to the questionables line before he was any the wiser. Nice enough fella, I guess. Talkative but not annoyingly so. He caught me on a day where there was a mix up on who was picking up a few stray souls, so Bernie and I had it out in front of him. Not exactly the most professional, but heck, I figured the shock of him still being newly dead and all would’ve blanked it out of his mind. He didn’t seem like he was itching to make a beeline for the hills when I left him in the line. I circled back an hour later and checked to make sure he was still there, just like protocol insists, and he was doing exactly what he was supposed to.”

  Randall let out a deep sigh, then ruffled his brow in thought. “Do you think he would’ve gone back to check on his friends and family?”

  Bob let out a loud single laugh, then a series of smaller ones. “Oh, I don’t think so. The guy had had a pretty crappy day. Hell of a day. Jake was having one of those days you hope to never have, where you wonder if you’ve pissed off the big G personally and he’s taking it all out on you at once. No, I can’t see him going back to his old life. Besides, he’d have to get out of Heaven first, and I dunno how you expect him to pull that one off. Just because he’s gotten out of the guest quarters doesn’t mean he got all that far. You check with any of the local checkpoints?”

  “Don’t you think we tried that already?” Randall barked at Bob. “He got past the first checkpoint.”

  Shelly decided to try a different tact, stepping up next to Bob, placing one of her hands on his shoulder in a soothing fashion. “Bob, clearly you have more experience with the areas outside of guest quarters than we do. We could really use your help on this one.” She slipped to stand behind him, leaning her breasts against the back of his head as her other hand rested on his other shoulder, making sure he could get a good whiff of that perfume he’d noticed earlier.

  “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, missy,” Bob said with a grin, although he made no effort to move her away. “Pretty girl trying to play Good Cop to mister Stone Wall and mister Bad Cop here.”

  Shelly laughed softly, the kind of laugh that sent shivers up Bob’s spine. It was sultry and playful and not at all condescending. In fact, it almost felt a little naughty, like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, and wasn’t going to apologize for it at all. “We have so many people, Bob, that we can’t know them all well. You’ve read his file. You walked with him while he was up here. Surely you might have some idea where he might go.” Shelly was keeping her voice soothing and warm, alluring without being cheap or sleazy, her fingertips moving up to tease atop of his balding head. “Bless us with your wisdom, O great Cherubim.”

  The short angel pondered the situation for a moment, mulling it over in his head. “Was he happy?”

  “Happy?” James asked, expressionless. “He escaped didn’t he?”

  “Mmm,” Bob murmured in agreement. “Well, I would imagine he might trace his steps back, then. Maybe he went to try and talk to one of the people along the line.”

  “The line?” Randall asked, clearly confused. It had been a long, long, long time since any of them had been processed and the experience hadn’t really stuck with any of the three. Bob, on the other hand, spent much of his working days traversing the lines, wandering through the rows of souls after souls, setting them in the right place so they could start playing connect-the-dots to get to where they would eventually end up.

  “Oi,” Bob groaned. “Okay, look, when we all came up, there was barely any line. You’re in, you’re out, you’re off to where you’re supposed to be, doing what you’re supposed to be doing, yeah?” The three angels nodded in response, prompting Bob to continue. “Well, now the line goes on for a long time, and there’s a lot of checkpoints. Form after form, line after line. Mostly it’s a stalling tactic, but some of the forms are there to help figure out where to put people, get them into a Heaven that’ll make’em happy, or at least keep them satisfied where they are. The person who knows the most about who Jake is, what he wants out of life and where he might be, is probably his case officer. Hell, Jake might have even have gone back to him to see if there was a mixup or somethin
g. He might’ve thought he did something wrong in the forms.” Bob closed his eyes, leaning his head back. “Now lemme see… Who was he going to end up talking to?” Shelly started to back away from him, but Bob placed one of his hands on her hand resting on his shoulder, keeping her there. “Easy honey, you’re helping me think.” Shelly laughed again, another purring laugh, then made no more efforts to move. Bob talked the problem aloud as he thought it through. “Jake was in the batch on the day I had the spar with Lenny, which would mean he was in the last of the line for his batch, so, follow the line, follow the line, follow the line… got it. Yer looking for Gilbert, over in sector M83. He’d have been the guy who got Jake after he’d done the heavy lifting in the paperwork and helped filter it down to where he was supposed to be going. You want to ask someone about where to find Jake Altford, Gilbert’s probably your best place to start.”

  Shelly patted Bob’s shoulder as she pulled back away from his slowly, Bob letting out a slight sigh of disappointment. “Thanks Bob. If we run into each other again, I’m sure we won’t have forgotten the favor you did for us.”

  James lifted his legs from the table, swung them out, lowered them and then stood up, moving to pat Bob’s other shoulder. “It’s good to have friends, isn’t it, Bob? Enjoy your music.”

  Bob had to admit to himself, it was odd that Jake had suggested Bob bring up music and now there were angels here asking about how he might have escaped. Sure, it could be one colossal coincidence, but Jake had honestly done something nice for Bob when he probably should’ve been thinking about himself and his own future, and it was something Bob hadn’t forgotten, nor taken lightly. Which was all the reason why he’d sent the angels on a wild goose chase. There was no chance that Jake would’ve gone back to where they’d brought him through for several reasons. Besides the obvious one, which was that Jake would never have been able to find his way back along the path, the more compelling thought was that Jake would probably be trying to get out, which Bob could understand. He wasn’t particularly fond of Heaven himself, if he was being totally honest with himself. Sure, it was the final resting place and all, but Bob hadn’t really ever found himself happy in being here. In fact, the happiest he’d found himself as of late had been listening to music again, something that Heaven certainly hadn’t helped him with. No, it’d been a common man named Jake Altford, and Bob felt like he owed the man something at the very least, so he’d given the angels bad intel, not that they’d have known, of course.