When the door finally shut I stood there in shock. Yesterday I’d assumed the worst and left without hearing them out. The idea of working for Chad seemed horrible, but it would give me a sense of comfort I was going to need. No matter how sick I was over the company closing it’s doors, I had the chance to stay employed.
I wasn’t going to speak to Grayson about this opportunity. As far as I was concerned it was no longer his business. He lost his say in my life the first time he touched Kyla. For all I knew he’d been screwing around on me from day one.
As I turned around to head back into the living room, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Chad was right. I looked like death. No wonder my husband fell into the arms of another woman. I’d let myself go, and it was time to do something about it.
Chapter 5
Rachel
Every five minutes I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to work with Chad. He’d been such a cocky bastard for as long as I’d known him, yet his visit made me reevaluate what I thought I knew about the guy. I still had a feeling there was more than just selling the company, but something told me to stay out of it. I trusted Charles, but Chad was a different story. God only knew what he was truly up to, or if his new company would succeed or fail.
His visit did do one thing for me; it gave me something to look forward to. I hadn’t committed, but for the sake of argument I would at least be bringing home an income if I needed to support myself. I spent the next several hours researching marketing firms. There were millions of companies out there offering the same services. Why would Chad think this was a good idea was beyond me? I mean, how could he assume closing a reputable company to open a new one was a wise business decision?
My all consuming mind wouldn’t let me rest. By the time I realized I hadn’t eaten anything, it was too late. I stood up and collapsed. The next time I opened my eyes I found myself on the floor. My chin was aching, but nothing else seemed to be injured. I wasn’t bleeding, not that I could tell, and my teeth were all accounted for, thankfully. Just as I was standing up, I heard the front door opening. Alarmed, I turned my head around to see who it could be. My biggest fears were revealed when Grayson walked into my view. “Rachel? What are you doing on the floor?”
He took in the room, noticing two glasses on the table and a bottle of bourbon. “Are you drunk?”
I rolled my eyes and glanced in another direction. “I wish.”
“We need to talk. I’ve been calling you all day.” I knew he was staring at me, even though I couldn’t peer in his direction to prove it.
“When I’m ready to speak to you, you’ll know it. Until then, I have nothing to say.”
He sat down anyway, ignoring my comment. “I haven’t slept, and I’ve been sick since I last saw you. Please, babe. I know you’re angry.”
“Angry? Is that what you’d call it? You disgraced me. You ruined our lives.”
“We can fix it. It meant nothing to me. I swear. You have to believe me.”
“All I have to do is get away from you. Don’t you understand? Can’t you see how much you’ve destroyed our relationship. Nothing can erase the images I have in my mind –nothing. You’ve made your bed. Go lie in it with your little whore of a girlfriend.”
His sobs didn’t surprise me. I’d seen him emotional before, but this time I couldn’t empathize. “Please forgive me,” he begged.
“No. I won’t.” I started to cry. “I can’t. I’ll never be able to trust you again. Maybe it’s best if we just call this what it is.”
“What?” He asked.
“It’s the end of us.” My teeth were chattering as the words exited my mouth. It hurt worse than anything I’d ever experienced in my life. It was as if every single beautiful moment we’d shared had been removed from my mind. The only thing to remain was hate and betrayal. He’d killed my ability to see beyond his so–called mistake. Within the past twenty-four hours I’d lost too much. I couldn’t consider patching things up, not now, and possibly not ever. “I need you to go,” I managed to say.
“Tell me what to do,” he continued. “Tell me what I have to do to make this right. I’m not giving up on us. You’re everything to me. I’m so sorry, Rachel.”
I covered my face with my hands, unable to control the emotions I was experiencing. As angry as I was with my husband, I couldn’t bear to hear his pleading and not feel some kind of remorse. After all, he was the only man I loved, and even though he’d broken my heart, that kind of attachment didn’t disappear. “I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I can’t even look at you without feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest. This isn’t fair, Grayson. It’s not fair to sit there and ask me what to do. You made this mess. I’m not the one who has to fix it.”
My husband was bawling. He stood and walked into the kitchen to wash off his face. I managed to get up and make it into the bathroom, where I filled my hands with toilet paper and blew my nose. When it got quiet I headed back out and found him sitting on the couch with his hands folded. His eyes were bloodshot, and it was obvious he hadn’t been to sleep. “Rachel, I love you. It’s always been you.”
I nodded, but didn’t respond to his statement. Instead, I simply put on a brave face and sat down across from him. I placed both hands on my knees and held my head down to stare at the glasses on the table. “Like I told you before, I need time. I can’t handle this. If you came here for forgiveness, you’re not going to get it, at least not now.”
“Tell me there’s still a chance. I’ll do anything. We can go to therapy. We can move to another location.”
“Wait,” I took a second to comprehend what he was willing to do. “You want me to uproot my life because of your mistakes? That’s never going to happen.”
He acknowledged my reply and stood to leave the room. I remained in the same position, stunned this was happening. A part of me believed it was all a terrible nightmare, and at any moment I’d wake and find him snoring next to me. I’d still have my job, and our happy life. I’d still have hope for a future with the two people who I loved with my whole heart.
I listened to him climbing the stairs. I heard the sounds of his dresser drawers opening and shutting. I even recognized the sound of a suitcase zipper. Then his feet were coming back down the steps, one by one, getting closer to leaving again.
A part of me wanted to beg him to stay. I wanted to take his ideas and run away where we could start over. I needed to be able to forget. I wanted to cross an ocean of sand, erasing the past with each mile we traveled. Then the rational part, whatever was left, knew it would never be possible. This would forever be etched into my brain, constantly reminding me of the pain, and broken promises. I had to be strong, for my dignity, for my sanity, but mostly for my future, if I wanted to have one.
“This isn’t over, Rachel. I’ll give you space, but I’m going to keep stopping by until you change your mind. We’ll fix this, no matter how much time it takes.”
“Goodbye, Grayson,” I managed to get out before he closed the door behind him. It killed me inside knowing each and every time I pushed him away he could be running to be with her. I hated myself for thinking it. I wanted to believe he was sorry. More than anything I wanted him to hold me and make the pain subside. It just wasn’t going to happen, because he was the cause of the pain. He was the reason I couldn’t sleep, eat, or go into public without breaking down. I feared running into someone I knew who would ask about my family – about Grayson. We lived in a small area in the suburbs of Baltimore. Even though Maryland was a tiny state, it was overpopulated. Thankfully, we found a little historic town located near the train station, where I could ride into D.C. instead of having to commute by car. Amenities were an easy drive as well. The grocery store was less than a mile away, and there was a family-owned hardware store next to it. If we wanted to go big time shopping, or to a mall, we’d have to drive about thirty minutes. The people I didn’t want to run into were the neighbors – every one of them. People were nosey.
Most of mine were friendly to a fault. They knew everything about everything. I wondered how many had seen Kyla at my house and wondered if she was screwing around with my husband. I was curious to know if they’d been seen in public. The thought caused me to cringe. There was no way I could face the scrutiny I’d receive. I couldn’t hear their whispers and not assume they were talking about me. I didn’t want to.
“Lord, please help me through this,” I kept repeating in my head.
I stepped over to the window and peeked outside, watching him get in his vehicle. For a few minutes he sat there with his hands covering his face. I could tell he was breaking down from the way his body was shaking. I put my hand over my face to try and contain the emotional pull it gave me. It was difficult seeing him in pain, and not being able to run to him. I had to be strong. I had to keep reminding myself that he was the enemy, for the moment at least. Until I could face him and not want to strangle the life from his body, it was best we were apart.
When he finally pulled out of the driveway I felt both relieved and alone.
Why was this happening to me?
I spent the night on the couch again, my eyes wide open, unable to close for fear of what I’d see when I fell asleep. This was the second night I’d gone without rest, and it was taking a toll on my sanity. When early morning came and I still couldn’t relax, I guzzled the remainder of the bourbon, while holding my nose to elude the strong taste. I don’t know how long it took it to do it’s job, but eventually I found peace and passed out.
I didn’t dream for the few hours my body rested. The morning sun awakened me, alongside of a killer headache. My cell phone had died sometime during the night. After taking some pain killers, I plugged it into the charger and decided two days was far too long to go without showering. The hot beads of water was almost as good as a deep tissue massage. I became more alert, and while I stood under the stream of the steaming waterfall. I started to see things in a different perspective. It was obvious I couldn’t spend the rest of my life hiding out in a pair of overstretched yoga pants. I had to be strong, no matter what the outcome. I had to find resolution, because the ball was in my corner.
For the time being, I needed to focus on something other than my marriage. I was going to take the job with Chad, and hopefully it would keep me occupied, and help time heal my wounds. If not, at least I’d have money to feed my new bourbon habit.
Chapter 6
Rachel
“Chad, it’s me, Rachel.”
“Caller I.D. has been out for a while. I know exactly who it is.”
I hated his sarcasm. “I’m calling to accept your offer. I’ll assist you with whatever you need to start the new company, but I have certain requests which need to be met before it’s a final decision.”
“Is that so?” he paused for a second, and I half expected him to have hung up. “I’ll have a car pick you at four. Can you be ready by then?”
“Ready for what?”
“We’ll discuss your terms over dinner. I’ve got a couple meetings this morning, but I’ll be free and starving by this afternoon. That should give you enough time to jot down whatever you’re thinking so we can discuss it.”
I considered telling him I wasn’t going to be seen in public with him, but this was about a job. It was appropriate and professional. “I’ll be ready.”
“See you later. Oh, and Rach…” I hated when he called me that. “Please make sure you shower. Your hair was looking a bit sticky yesterday. I’ll see you soon.”
The call ended abruptly, and I could almost see the snarky look on his face after getting in the last bit of sarcasm before hanging up. The guy made me want to pull out my so-called sticky hair and scream. Why did he think his shit didn’t stink?
It was weird how I hadn’t been able to walk upstairs in my house in fear of finding the sheets in disarray. I’d showered in the downstairs bathroom to avoid it. I didn’t want the image of Kyla and Grayson rumbling in my sheets to be a permanent photograph held captive in my over-imaginative brain. I creaked open my bedroom door and coasted the room with my eyes. The bed was made, just how I’d left it. Wherever they’d been screwing, it hadn’t been in our bed, at least not this time. Still, instead of heading into the bathroom to freshen up for the second time, I began stripping the bed. I needed to bleach away any remnants of the two of them. When I had everything in a pile on the floor, I stared at it, thinking back to how many wonderful memories we’d made making love ourselves. I recalled the way he’d touch me, kiss and caress my skin, like I was precious and the only person to ever hold his heart. Grayson was an amazing lover. Imagining him giving that kind of affection to someone else made my stomach churn.
I promised to love and cherish him forever, for better or worse. This was obviously the worst possible scenario. I’d think I’d rather find out he was a cross dressing transvestite who longed to have a sex change and a feminine name like Precious. Okay, that was a bit drastic, but you get my point.
I fell down onto the plush gray carpet and curled up in ball, breaking down once again at the mess my marriage was in. For someone who hated the idea of an affair, I felt the need to know every detail about his betrayal. It made no sense. Why would I want to put myself through such horror? What good would it do?
Finally, when I felt like my tears were dried up, I got myself up and headed into the master bathroom. The white Carrera marble was cold on my bare feet as I stepped across it to turn on the spigot. I don’t know what made me do it, but I looked down at the drain, curious to find a strand of hair that wasn’t my color. I closed my eyes immediately and turned away. I had to stop this. Even if there were remnants, I couldn’t change the past. I had to get over this looming darkness and move forward. It was how I coped, and the way I’d be able to forgive. Until I was willing to let go, it would never happen.
Aside from everything going on in my life, I was nervous about meeting with Chad regarding a new job opportunity. After speaking to him, it was quite obvious there was a lot of work to do between the old company closing it’s doors and the new one opening. For many years I’d been involved in keeping our clients happy. I didn’t want to imagine how they would feel to find out they needed to look for someone else to represent them. I had an idea for something that could work to everyone’s advantage, but without the funds backing me, I wasn’t sure it would be feasible.
It was amazing how washing my hair seemed like a daunting task. Moving at all was damn near impossible. If I could have stayed in bed for a whole month I still didn’t feel like it would be enough time for my body and mind to recover from the stress I was under.
I stayed in the shower until the water turned cool. When I stepped out I walked up to the steamed mirror and wiped it so I could see my reflection. My eyes seemed sunken in, and there was little color to my face. The past few days had taken a toll on me, and if I didn’t start pushing myself forward I was afraid my hair would either begin turning gray, or worse – thinning.
I hated the person staring back at me. For being much younger than my husband, he looked the same age. I needed a do-over. I needed to go back to the moment I began letting myself go and reevaluate what was important to me, instead of always trying to do everything at once.
Once I managed to dress in something other than yoga pants, I decided to go out and have my hair cut. It was time for a change, and what better reason to do it? My long hair was in need of a new appearance. Grayson had always preferred length. Since Kyla also had long locks, I longed to be different. If he couldn’t appreciate the change, it was his loss. As far as I was concerned, I wanted to be the polar opposite of the girl who tried to steal my husband from me.
It wasn’t long before my hair was full of foil in three different shades of dye. While waiting for it to set, I got a manicure, and instead of my usual French polish, I chose a dark red. It felt sexy and dirty; something I’d never been able to pull off before. I had my brows waxed for the first time in my life, and let me just say it wasn
’t a pleasant experience. A large welt was left where the hot goop was ripped from my skin. They said the swelling would go down eventually. Lord I hoped so.
Finally, my hair was rinsed and then cut. I think I held my breath when I watched her take the scissors and cut at least ten inches off the back. My new style sat at my shoulders, and even with it still wet, my natural waves were coming to life. In the reflection I could see the three different colors as she smoothed my hair with a comb. The blonde streaks were a new addition alongside a tiny bit of red. Against the dark chocolate they really popped. Already it appeared that I’d shaved off several years from my appearance, making a small part of me feel good. Once it was styled, my hairdresser spun the chair around and let me see the finished product. I needed a good bit of makeup, but I still loved the new me even without it. I looked younger, sexy even. Then for a second I thought about Grayson, and what he would think when he saw it. I wanted him to be angry, like I’d done it to spite him, because in all honesty, I think I had.
My ride back to the house was much different than the morning. I wasn’t dwelling in the negative. Sure, I still had a ton on my mind, but I was determined for one day to pretend my problems didn’t exist. I had an opportunity to change my life, workwise, and it was important to remain focused so I’d be on my game when the time came to produce.
I’m not really sure why I thought it was a good idea, but I dug in my step-daughter’s closet and pulled out a slinky black dress she’d worn to a New Year’s Eve party. Since we were about the same size, I knew it would fit. Getting Chad to listen to me wouldn’t be hard, but catching every bit of his attention would require a little scheming. I knew I’d feel uncomfortable in the dress, but I was going to pull it off. My livelihood depending on nailing this dinner meeting. Chad needed to know I was serious, and could do whatever was required in order to make it happen.
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