Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  Using a Thought-Repair Toolkit

  Using the ‘Taking your Thoughts to Task’ process that we outline in the previous section isn’t the only method for dealing with potentially negative thoughts. We’ve designed a toolkit for detecting and working out any distortions and twists in these thoughts. You may want to look at each of these tools and try them out on your own thoughts.

  See Table 6-1, ‘Karol’s Thought Catcher’ shown earlier in this chapter, and fill a Thought Catcher out for yourself in your notebook. Underline the thought that triggers the most difficult emotions. Then run the thought through one or more of our thought repair tools in the following sections. As with the ‘Taking your Thoughts to Task’ strategy, the goal is to develop accurate, believable alternative thoughts rather than ones that put overly positive spins on events.

  Making it someone else’s problem

  What? Are we suggesting that you find a way to saddle another person with your problems? Not exactly. This thought-repair tool involves imagining that a good friend of yours experienced the identical event to you, and responded initially with exactly the same thoughts and feelings. Viewing your problem as belonging to a friend allows you to see the thoughts from a different, more objective perspective.

  So you imagine that your friend is sitting in a chair next to you, telling you about those negative thoughts. What do you say? Keep in mind that we’re not asking you to try and make your friend feel better by lying or distorting the facts. Rather, we think that telling your imaginary friend what you are thinking makes sense. Claire’s story illustrates how you can put this tool to good use.

  Claire’s childhood consisted of a constant stream of criticism from her father; that is, when he noticed her at all. Now, as an adult, she’s assistant director of a large recruitment agency. Unfortunately, she has little confidence in herself, and finds fault with almost everything she does. Also, she has an exaggerated view of her mistakes, seeing them as much bigger than they are.

  Claire’s boss is impressed with her report on a specific project development and he insists that she make a presentation to the executive board of the agency. Though terrified, Claire agrees to the request. She does a credible job, and several board members make positive comments. However, she forgets to distribute the handouts until her talk is over, and one of the members suggests that her presentation would have made even more sense if they’d had the handouts in advance.

  Claire feels absolutely gutted. She proceeds to fill out a Thought Catcher (see Table 6-1) and realises that her feelings of shame and self-loathing relate to her unchallenged, negative automatic thoughts, which have decided for her that her performance was an abject failure, and that her job may even be on the line.

  Not having a better idea, and although sceptical, Claire agrees to try the tool of seeing her problem as someone else’s. She imagines her friend May sitting in an empty chair next to her. May tells Claire about the presentation, concluding that she failed abysmally, and may even lose her job. May adds that, after all, the person responsible for the critical remark was the agency’s chair of the board of directors!

  To her surprise, when Claire hears those thoughts coming from the imagined May sitting in the chair, she finds different, more reasonable alternative thoughts flowing through her mind. She says to May, ‘I beg your pardon! Didn’t you hear the boss say that he was so impressed with your report that he wanted you to make the presentation in the first place? And why are you discounting the positive comments made by several of the influential board members? Obviously, forgetting to distribute the handouts in advance was an error. Probably your anxiety interfered with your memory. But other than that, you’ve got to admit you did a great job!’

  You’re probably thinking that this strategy is too simple to be credible. How can something this easy possibly work? The tool helps because it allows you to distance yourself from your problem a bit and think it through from another’s perspective. After you’ve done that, you may find it easier to be a little more objective. We certainly find that many people benefit from this strategy.

  Having time on your side

  It’s amazing how much anguish people can experience about the things that happen in day-to-day living. When unpleasant events are staring you in the face, gaining perspective’s tricky to say the least.

  Putting time on your side is a strategy asking you to view your problem as though you were looking back from a distant, future point in time. You think about how important your problem and your thoughts about it are going to be different in weeks, months, or even years into the future. It’s amazing how many of the things people find upsetting look insignificant in the future. Andrea’s story shows how she makes use of this tool.

  Andrea has a rather serious problem with anger. She’s abrasive, curt, and hostile – more so than she realises. She has few friends, and her blood pressure has soared in the past year. She’s depressed, and her psychologist tells her that anger contributes both to her lack of friends and to her depression.

  Andrea’s psychologist suggests that she start using the strategy ‘putting time on your side’. She says, ‘It’s pretty simple, Andrea. What I’d like you to do is notice what’s going on whenever you feel angry. Then take a moment to step back and ask yourself a question: how upsetting is this situation going to feel and how important is it going to be a year from now? Rate that importance on a scale from 0 to 100, where 0 represents of no consequence at all and 100 is equivalent to a gang capturing you and threatening to torture you slowly to death over the next two weeks. The 100 rating represents your feelings when the torture’s just begun.’

  It takes Andrea a while to appreciate the rating scale, and then to start catching her angry moments and stepping back to answer the question. However, as she does so, she discovers that very few of the anger-arousing moments in her life manage to rise above a level of 10 on that 100-point scale a year later. Slowly but surely, she finds her anger lessens.

  Putting time on your side works especially well with anger-arousing events. However, it can also put a better perspective on other events that trigger different feelings, such as sadness or distress. See how it works for you.

  Testing out your thoughts

  Many of the thoughts that disturb you can be put to the test.You can run various behavioural experiments to see if they really hold up under test conditions. We have three such experiments for you to carry out.

  Putting negative predictions to the test

  The depressed mind makes loads of predictions about the future. And these forecasts are typically gloomy and foreboding. In part, the predictions look bleak because of the various distortions we discuss in Chapter 5, such as filtering out positive information and exaggerating the negative. Thus, positive possibilities are discarded, and negative outcomes are greatly enhanced.

  If you’re depressed and listen to your mind’s forecasts, you’re probably going to avoid activities and events holding the remotest chance of unwanted outcomes. Try nonetheless to push yourself to experiment with your mind’s forecasts:

  Go to that party and see if you do have as bad a time as you’re assuming you’re going to.

  Make yourself volunteer to give that speech and see if you survive.

  Call your friend and ask if he wants to have lunch with you even though you’re convinced he’s going to refuse.

  If you plan to use this strategy, your best bet is to test out at least ten of your negative thoughts and predictions. Some of them may very well prove true! But most of the time, the vast majority are likely to prove false. Even when your negative thoughts turn out to be true, the actual experience usually doesn’t feel nearly as awful as your forecast predicted. See Chapter 5 for more information about challenging negative predictions.

  Doing a survey

  You can also test out your thinking by actively collecting data and information. You can carry out a survey of family, friends, or colleagues. For example, perhaps you’ve just had to accept a post w
ith a lower salary, and you believe that most people see money and status as the measure of a person’s worth. Ask a group of friends what makes a person important and worthwhile in their eyes. Is it earning power, prestige, or other qualities, such as honesty, friendliness, and so on? You may be surprised at what they tell you.

  Alternatively, if you have a concern specific to a particular individual, you can approach that person and check it out. Robert uses this tool to overcome a consuming worry that his wife is losing interest in him.

  Robert notices that his wife has been less interested in sex lately. He assumes that she no longer finds him desirable. So he becomes increasingly distant with her because of his fear of rejection. The consequence is that the more he withdraws, the more she seems to lose interest. He becomes irritable, and the relationship deteriorates further. His psychologist suggests that he ask his wife what’s going on. He doesn’t want to, but with some persuasion, realises he may as well, because he has little or nothing to lose.

  Robert approaches his wife and says, ‘You know, darling, I’ve been missing you lately. We both seem to be working too much. Can we see how we can find more time for us?’ He’s surprised to find that she misses him too, and has been holding the same negative assumption (that he’s lost interest in her!). She explains that work really was intense for a few months, and that her sex drive had indeed waned for a while. But then when her interest returned, it seemed that he’d become distant. This discussion allowed Robert and his wife to make sure that they made time for one another, leading to an improved relationship – and sex life!

  If you use this tool, be sure that you don’t set your experiment up to fail. Had Robert approached his wife in an accusatory manner, the outcome probably wouldn’t have been nearly so positive. How do you think his wife would have responded if he’d said, ‘Why don’t you ever want to have sex any more? Don’t you care at all about me or about our marriage? Or maybe it’s because you’re having an affair?” When you check something out, do think about what your wording will sound like.

  If you unfortunately do come up against negative information when you check things out, at least you then know the score. Even if Robert’s wife had said she was having an affair, at least now he knows what’s going on, and can decide what to do. We find, time and again that avoidance rarely spares pain in the long run.

  Perfecting your acting skills

  A final method for putting your thoughts to the test is acting ‘as if’ you don’t believe the thoughts. If you think that you’ll be ( rejected every time you approach someone, try taking on a new persona for a week or two. Imagine that you’re someone who won’t get rejected. Think of a person you actually know, or a famous person who you’re sure wouldn’t be turned down. Act as if you’re that person and see what happens when you approach others. Don’t take our word for it, try it out. Doing this exercise increases your chances of social success because you put yourself in a position to succeed. And if things don’t go well, don’t be crushed – just try again with the next person. Go ahead. See for yourself.

  Revising your black and white thinking

  As we mention in Chapter 5, the depressed mind all too often thinks in all-or-nothing, black and white terms. Perhaps you fall prey to this kind of thinking from time to time? If so, an example is that of thinking that you must achieve perfection, or else you’re abysmally and totally inadequate. Similarly, you may think that you must:

  Achieve everything possible, or else you’re a complete failure.

  Live a totally moral existence, or else you’re an unforgivable, guilty sinner, deserving of hell and damnation.

  Always think of others, or else you’re completely selfish.

  We aren’t suggesting that you can’t have high standards for yourself. It’s just that the black and white thinking that usually goes with perfectionism sets you up to fail miserably. No one is perfect. See Chapter 7 for more information about the perfectionism belief.

  You’re likely to benefit from redefining and recalculating your black and white thinking. When you find yourself immersed in this type of thinking (and almost everyone does now and then) try the following:

  1. Carefully define what you’re talking about.

  Clearly define and work out what you mean by any labels you apply to yourself, such as ‘failure,’ ‘loser,’ and so on. Without having a clear idea of what these labels mean to you, you can’t perform the next step.

  2. Recalculate your new definition on a rating scale.

  Here’s how you do the recalculation: whenever you hear absolute terms in your mind, such as ‘always,’ ‘never,’ ‘failure,’ ‘loser,’ ‘horrible,’ and so on, try thinking in terms of a rating-scale. Recalculate and estimate what percentage of the time your negative thought is true.

  Thus, if you think that you’re a failure, estimate what percentage of the time you’ve succeeded, versus what percentage of the time you’ve failed, and consider what failure means to you, rather than simply giving yourself a dictionary definition. If you think that you’re a horrible person, recalculate and ask yourself what percentage of your actions are truly ‘horrible,’ as you defined the term in the first step, what percentage are ‘good,’ and what percentage are ‘neutral.’

  Few things in life exist in black and white terms. Redefining and recalculating can help you see the subtle, forgiving shades of grey that your depressed mind may have blocked from your sight. When you define your terms, and rate what percentage of time you really are like that, you‘ll probably find that your recalculated assessment not only feels much better, but more importantly, it more accurately reflects reality.

  Eleanor complains to her counsellor that she’s a useless mother because her children ‘always’ play up at school. The therapist asks her to explain what a useless mother is; what does such a mother do that other mothers don’t? Eleanor replies that a useless mother is one who doesn’t know a thing about parenting, is mean to her kids, and neglects them. The therapist asks Eleanor if that definition fits her, and Eleanor says, ‘Well, I guess not totally. I suppose what I really mean is that sometimes I haven’t a clue how to handle them.’

  Her therapist replies, ‘Okay, then instead of asking how often you’re a useless mother, because that doesn’t fit, let me ask you how often you have no idea at all of how to handle your kids versus how often you reckon you do know what to do?

  After a lot of thought, Eleanor decides that she probably knows how to manage her children about half the time. This more realistic redefinition and recalculation of her problem leads to a fruitful discussion of how Eleanor can discover more about parenting, and increase the percentage of time she feels competent in knowing how to handle her children. Eleanor thinks that, with work, she can increase the percentage to 60 per cent of the time, and with further work she’s likely to improve on that. She also admits that the children don’t ‘always’ play up at school – only once recently!

  Facing the worst

  Facing the worst (also known as the downward arrow technique) is one thought-repair tool that’s especially important. Cognitive therapy won’t work if you stick your head in the sand like an ostrich. Rather, you have to think through the very worst possible implications and potential outcomes of your thoughts, until you reach the most horrible end possibility – and then see how to find a way to deal with that.

  Here’s how the technique works. Perhaps you’re terrified of making a mistake at work. You think through what you fear is going to happen (your manager getting angry), then what? Follow the downward arrow. Perhaps you’re going to get a verbal warning → then a written one → be sacked → be unable to find another job → lose the house → divorce → lose your partner and children . . . until your ultimate fear is of having nowhere to live, no friends or loved ones, and being alone and hungry. Pretty heavy stuff, but at least you then know what it is you’re really worried about!

  Dealing with the worst

  It’s surprising how often people, when
exploring their worst imagined fears discover that they can cope with them, if they had to. Of course, no one wants to, but you’re likely to discover that facing up to your fears is much easier than you think.

  Using the downward arrow technique that we describe in the section ‘Facing the worst’ identify your worst imagined fear by asking yourself what you’re most afraid of. Then, ask yourself if your worst fear has actually happened, and what it was like for you? Then move on to some fear-coping questions. These questions include:

  How likely is it that your worst feared fantasy is going to come true? Give yourself a probability from 0 to 100 per cent likely.