Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  Sure my problems are large, but they don’t have to be solved all at once. People solve big problems all the time. It just takes persistence.

  I don’t think my problem is solvable.

  Well, I suppose that’s possible. But in that case I’m going to have to start figuring out how to live with it. However, I won’t know whether it’s solvable until I try everything I can first.

  I’m not a good problem solver.

  Well, I haven’t always tackled big problems easily in the past, but that doesn’t mean I can’t start now. The CRICKET problem-solving plan looks pretty straightforward. ANyway, what can I lose by trying?

  I prefer to let problems solve themselves.

  Yes, I suppose that could happen – and pigs might fly! My experience is problems persist or even get worse if I don’t do something about them. No decision is still a decision!

  If I try and fail to solve my problem, I’m just going to feel like an even bigger failure. It’s better not to try.

  And of course if I don’t try, I’m guaranteeing failure. Besides, if my attempts fail, I just may discover something from the process and then have another go, strengthened by knowing more.

  If you find that your beliefs are blocking the your way of solving the problems in your life, write them down as in Table 12-1. Look for positive alternative views that challenge those interfering beliefs. If you try this, but and have difficulty coming up with alternative views, flick to Chapters 5, 6, and 7 for more information on dealing with problematic thoughts and beliefs.

  Running Through the Routes (R)

  Step two in our CRICKET problem-solving game plan helps you find possible solutions for your problem. The following sections point the way to designing creative solutions.

  Write down absolutely any option that come to mind. Don’t listen to your internal critic saying, ‘That’s a really daft idea!’ Now really isn’t the time for evaluating your ideas, you’re doing that later. Sometimes the silliest solution leads to another idea, which proves realistic – and Yippee! It works!

  Letting go

  Trying too hard to solve a problem, can sometimes bring you up against a brick wall. Too much effort can stifle creativity. Just give the process time; don’t push yourself. You’ve probably been working on it for quite a while, so taking a little longer solving it won’t hurt, but in fact, it may just help.

  First, we suggest relaxing your mind and body as a means of tapping into and harnessing your creative potential. We have a quick relaxation technique you can use for this purpose:

  1. Place your hand on your abdomen.

  2. Take a slow, deep breath, and watch your abdomen expand.

  3. Hold that breath for a few moments.

  4. Slowly breathe out and let your shoulders droop.

  5. As you breathe out, say the word relax.

  6. Repeat this exercise ten times. Focus on the physical sensation of this exercise, especially your breathing.

  Practising this relaxation technique several times a day for five days in a row helps you to calm your mind and body. If it doesn’t work for you, take a look at Chapter 18 for more ideas on how to let go. Also, if you suffer from anxiety as well as depression, you may want to read Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies by Elaine Iljon-Foreman, Laura Smith, and Charles Elliott (Wiley).

  You may find other letting-go strategies more helpful, so feel free to experiment. Some people find a slow, steady, rhythmic exercise like jogging, or using a running, rowing or cycling machine frees their mind to think creatively. Other exercises like walking, weight-lifting, or yoga (go to Chapter 10 for more ideas) are also potentially helpful. Alternatively, try a recreational activity that you enjoy as a means of letting go (refer to Chapter 11 for a list of activities that help in easing depression). A warm bubble bath is also an excellent way of inspiring creative thinking.

  Letting go as a way of finding creative solutions is often a very successful technique. But it does mean that you have to stop forcing your mind to find the answers, and this can be tricky.

  Thinking visually

  Many people find that their creativity starts flowing more easily when they get into visual mode. Start by relaxing (you may want to use the quick and easy relaxation techniques we describe in the previous section) and picture your problem in your mind. See yourself, in your imagination, actually putting into practice the various ways of tackling the problem. Let the ideas float around; you don’t have to settle on any one in particular.

  Designing a flow chart is a very useful visual aid in problem-solving. Put each component of your problem in a separate box. Write down possible solutions to each component, then draw arrows from the solutions to the relevant component of the problem.

  Adele draws her marital problems on a flow chart. She write down each thought about her struggling marriage in a box, and then develops individual solutions. See Figure 12-1 to discover how Adele approaches her problem.

  Figure 12-1: Adele’s problem-solving flow chart.

  Permitting playfulness

  We fully appreciate that your problem may be very difficult to solve. However, allowing yourself to play with ideas is important. Ask yourself if tunnel vision is what’s keeping you stuck. Play with the most absurd solutions imaginable. Play allows you to forget about the usual rules and lets you break out of the box.

  One way to play around is to design solutions that appear are totally opposite to your first ideas. For example, Adele has a difficult marriage. One solution she considers is having an affair. Then she considers the opposite. Having an affair with her husband! ‘That’s ridiculous!’ she initially thinks to herself.

  But then she realises it just may be worth trying. What if she imagines he’s a man she’s just met and finds attractive (after all, she did find Eddie very attractive years ago, and he hasn’t really changed all that much!). Then she can plan how to attract him.

  Listing all your options

  As you play with all your options for dealing with your problem, list absolutely everything that you come up with. Don’t leave any ideas out at this point. After writing your list, review the list and see if further thought gives rise to any more ideas.

  Adele lists options for handling her marital problems. As you can see, her options cover possibilities that range from productive to downright destructive:

  Have an affair.

  Have an affair with my husband.

  Get a divorce.

  Ask for a temporary separation so that I can clear my head.

  Seek marriage counselling, if I can persuade Eddie to go.

  Work on my own to improve our marriage by showing more caring and affection, as well as by working on not being on the defensive (see Chapter 14).

  Take off on an exotic overseas holiday . . . and don’t tell anyone where I’m going.

  Focus on making myself happy outside of my marriage. I could develop new hobbies, find a more interesting career, expand my social circle, or find volunteer work.

  Indulge in more alcohol.

  Stop whining and try to put this whole thing behind me!

  Your list of possible solutions to your problem, like Adele’s may also contain many options. Concentrate on listing the widest range of solutions you can think of. And don’t judge your ideas as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

  Investigating Outcomes (I)

  Taking your ideas from the preceding ‘Running Through the Routes(R)’ section , list them in the ‘Options’ column of a two-column table, as shown in Table 12-2. Next, label the second column ‘Likely Consequences and Outcomes’. Then think through each option. List the possible outcomes or consequences and for each one, rate the probability of the consequence or outcome happening in that way, on a 0 –100 point scale, where 0 is almost totally impossible and 100 represents almost complete certainty.

  Table 12-2 lists Adele’s options, likely consequences and the outcomes she predicts for each. This example gives an idea of how to start your own table.

  Table 1
2-2 Adele’s Options and Likely Consequences and Outcomes

  Options

  Likely Consequences and Outcomes

  Have an affair.

  Fun and excitement (55); guilt (95); sexually transmitted disease (5 or less if I’m careful); eventual destruction of my marriage (60)

  Have an affair with my husband.

  Fun and excitement (65 because of no guilt, but it may be less intense than a real affair); possible rejuvenation of my marriage (55); complete rejection from my husband (60)

  Get a divorce.

  Some relief from the struggle (75); sadness and loss (80); eventually, a new and better relationship (30)

  Ask for a temporary separation.

  Clear my head to see what I really want to do (35); increased distance from my husband (55); increased chance my husband will have an affair (35)

  Seek marriage counselling.

  Improvement in the marriage if he agrees (65); anger and rage from Eddie because he’s always been against this idea (50); rejection by Eddie (30); divorce if it doesn’t work (55)

  Work on my own to improve our marriage.

  Improve marriage (30); damage marriage in some way (10)

  Go on an exotic trip and tell no one.

  Fun and excitement (85); guilt (99); end my marriage (99)

  Increase my own happiness through new activities.

  Be happier (70); become more independent (40)

  Drink more.

  Temporary decrease in pain (65); become addicted to alcohol (50); increase pain in the long run (75)

  Quit whining and try to forget the problem.

  Increased dissatisfaction (90); marriage will improve on its own (1)

  Doing this exercise highlights whether a single, simple solution stands out as the obvious choice. But all too frequently, the best options aren’t so obvious. So, in the next section, we help you make an informed decision.

  Committing to a Choice (C)

  After going through the first three steps of the CRICKET problem-solving game plan, you can choose your option(s). Make a commitment to yourself.

  For this fourth step in the CRICKET problem-solving game plan you need to carefully think through all the options. You may be able to quickly zoom in on the one, two, three, or perhaps four best possibilities simply by reviewing the likely consequences of each. Pay close attention to your feelings about each one. Does thinking about the options make you feel hopeful, distressed, anxious, calm, angry, sad, relieved, eager, or perhaps some combination of these feelings? Noticing your emotions in this way may give you more information.

  Realise that the option you choose for dealing with your problem can be a combination of several options. Your options don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

  Adele picks three options that appear to have the best chance of helping her unhappy marriage:

  Do everything I can on my own to improve the marriage.

  Increase my own happiness by exploring a new career.

  Find out about marriage counselling.

  After further reflection, Adele begins to think that marriage counselling has the best chance of saving her marriage, but she has a problem: she’s very worried that Eddie is going to be furious if she yet again suggests counselling. Is this the choice she really wants to make?

  If, like Adele, you find yourself stuck with the dilemma of which option to act on, here are two more strategies that may help – ‘Being your own best friend’ and ‘Choosing sides’. You need a couple of chairs for both of the exercises. Yes, chairs – just go with us on this one.

  Being your own best friend

  There’s a true friend that you can always call on for another perspective – 24/7. That friend is . . . you! This technique may be one of the simplest in this whole book. But don’t let the simplicity fool you. We find the ‘Being your own best friend’ technique is surprisingly useful. Try it!

  Sit down in a chair and place an empty chair facing opposite you. Imagine a close friend of yours is sitting in that chair. Your friend happens to have pretty much the same problem as you do; she came up with the same choice for a solution, but dreads carrying it out. Start talking to your friend. Talk out loud. When you’re finished, ask yourself if the advice sounds like it’s just what you happen to need.

  You may think that this idea sounds too simplistic, and also wonder how it can possibly help given you haven’t yet settled on an option. The technique helps because it gives you some emotional distance from your problem, helping you let go your fixed mind-set.

  Adele tries this technique. Here’s the imaginary conversation she has with her friend:

  ‘Much as working on your marriage on your own sounds like a great idea, I doubt you’re going to succeed unless you combine it with marriage counselling. Sure you’re scared! But do you really have anything to lose by trying? What are the odds that your marriage is going to sort itself out if you don’t have some marriage counselling? Pretty unlikely, I reckon. Sure Eddie gets angry, but what’s new? It’s happened loads of times before, and you’ve always survived. Though he’s always totally rejected the idea in the past, try one last time. If he still refuses, then maybe you need to hear that and consider other options. ’

  Adele finds this exercise helpful, but she still doesn’t quite feel ready to carry out her decision to ask Eddie to go to marriage counselling. She needs one more technique – ‘choosing sides.’ You can also try this one.

  Choosing sides

  The ‘Choosing sides’ technique, like the preceding ‘Being your own best friend’ technique, asks you to place two chairs facing each other. Label the first chair as representing one side of your argument and the second chair as representing the other person’s side. Sit in Chair No.1 and imagine the other side of your argument is sitting in Chair No.2. Argue with the other side, out loud, and as forcefully as you can. When you run out of arguments, swop chairs, then argue on behalf of the other side of your argument.

  Are you going to feel a little silly doing this exercise? Quite possibly. But do have a go. You may be surprised at how useful you find this exercise. Psychologists have recommended this approach for decades, and clients continue to report that it helps them reach difficult decisions.

  Here’s what Adele’s dialogue sounds like when she tries the ‘Choosing sides’ technique to help her decide whether marriage counselling really is the best option for her. She labels Chair No.1 ‘Get Counselling’ and Chair No.2 ‘Don’t Do It’.

  Get Counselling chair (speaking to the Don’t Do It chair): ‘Look, you know that counselling has the best chance of succeeding. You’ve made a few attempts on your own, but they haven’t worked. You’ve reviewed the likely consequences, and you know that getting help looks better than anything else.’

  Don’t Do It chair: ‘Okay, sure. I thought about it carefully, but the bottom line is that I don’t think I can cope if counselling fails and I end up divorced. The loneliness and sense of loss would be overwhelming.’

  Get Counselling chair: ‘Oh, so that’s what’s holding you back! Well! First, who says marriage counselling is going to fail? The odds aren’t that bad if you combine it with your own efforts. You already found those ideas in the books you’ve read encouraging. With the help of a trained professional, it just may work.’

  Don’t Do It chair: ‘Sure, but if Eddie rejects the idea, I’m just going to feel even more frustrated and angry. Then that’ll increase the likelihood of divorce. Bottom line is – I don’t think I can bear it.’

  Get Counselling chair: ‘So you think that taking no action to deal with the problem has a better chance of success? I doubt it! If your marriage is really on the rocks and heading for divorce, surely it’s better you find out now than later? And who says you won’t be able to bear it? People get divorced every day, and most manage to get through it.’