Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  Mike retires from his position as a secondary school English teacher. For the last few years, he’s been counting the days until his retirement. He plans to travel, read books he never had the time for, and go fishing. Four months into his retirement, he starts waking up at 4 a.m., unable to go back to sleep. He puts off his travel plans and fishing trips, and shelves his good intentions to read those books. Mike is having difficulty in adapting to his new role. His wife suggests that he answer the Role Exploration Questions. Here’s what Mike comes up with:

  What did I enjoy about my old role? ‘I liked the interaction with the kids. I loved getting through to an unmotivated student.’

  What did my old role allow me to do? ‘I could make a real difference to some children’s lives. That was fantastic.’

  What did I dislike about my old role? ‘I hated all the endless paperwork, red tape, and evaluation. And those boring meetings just did my head in!’

  What freedoms and limitations did I feel in my old role? ‘I loved the freedom of developing new ways of teaching. But as the years passed, there were more and more demands and red tape. We lost most of the freedom to choose materials.’

  What were the negative and positive feelings I experienced when I gave up my old role? ‘I couldn’t wait to start fishing! And seeing new places really excited me. I felt such relief being free from the day-to-day grind. And I was just so happy. Later, I felt a deep sense of loss. I miss working with the kids. And I miss thinking of myself as a teacher.’

  What did I resent about my old role? ‘The salary, of course. I also resented the increasing pressure from management to pass students who really were way below standard. I also hated not being allowed to give out top marks, as we weren’t supposed to use that grade – ‘So why have it in the first place?’ I’d ask myself! And I resented the lack of respect from some parents, which only seemed to worsen over the years.’

  Do I feel grateful for having had my old role? ‘Not many people get a chance to make a difference in other people’s lives. I know I did that. And despite the pretty poor salary, I feel quite grateful for the excellent retirement package and benefits.’ The holidays were pretty good too.

  After he reviews his answers, Mike more fully appreciates the sources of his grief. And he realises that he can replace some of what he’s lost by doing voluntary work or taking up some part-time paid work at the local adult education centre. Literacy and maths coaching are in high demand. Working locally also means no more awful commuting like at the last job. He can use his skills as a teacher to make a huge difference in the lives of enthusiastic older students who really want to learn. And not worry about parental aggro!

  Your depression may be stemming from experiencing significant changes in your life. Change has both positive and negative effects. Remember the pluses and the minuses of getting married, starting a new career, or having a baby? Remind yourself that all adjustments take time, energy, and planning.

  Chapter 14

  Revitalising Relationships

  In This Chapter

  Understanding the connection between depression and rejection

  Improving your relationship by using positive behaviour

  Overcoming defensiveness

  Enhancing your communication skills

  Depression can place a big strain on relationships, especially on a partner, and close friends or family. But all isn’t lost! There’s a great deal you can do to lessen the strain and lighten the burden, and improve the quality of your relationship when you’re suffering from depression.

  In this chapter, we discuss the ways that depression affects important relationships, and we offer effective techniques for improving your relationship skills. We particularly focus on techniques for improving intimate relationships, because experiencing a difficult relationship with a partner can sometimes be the cause of depression, or worsen an existing depression, making it more and more difficult to escape the vicious circle.

  If you’re in a problematic relationship, think about asking your partner or close friend to read this chapter as well.

  Being in an abusive relationships can lead to depression. If you believe that your partner has been, or is being, emotionally or physically abusive, you may need to end the relationship. However, when you’re depressed, making such a decision can be particularly difficult. Get professional guidance if you’re having doubts.

  Looking at the Depression–Rejection Vicious Circle

  Depression makes you feel awful – you experience sadness, tiredness, pessimism, and feelings of worthlessness. These feelings can be difficult to deal with in their own right. But then, to add to your misery, depression can increase the likelihood of rejection. Rejection hurts, and such pain can further worsen your depression.

  When a person gets depressed, partners, close friends, and family normally respond with sympathy and support. But after a while, and as much as they want to help, they can find themselves struggling to keep up their support. Spending long periods with someone who’s clinically depressed is difficult – the depressed person seldom has the energy to respond positively to others, and retreats into themselves. Others may then begin to feel rejected themselves, withdrawing support and become less caring and distant.

  Adding to the increased likelihood of facing rejection, a person with depression can often misinterpret what is being said to them, in three self-defeating ways:

  Magnifying the negative intentions of others.

  Looking for negative feedback even when it doesn’t exist.

  Getting angry and defensive in response to legitimate criticism.

  These tendencies then trigger still more interpersonal problems, and so the vicious cycle continues. The following sections look at each of the three reactions in turn.

  Exaggerating the negative

  When people suffering from depression receive negative feedback, they usually read more into it than is intended – they can greatly magnify what they perceive as rejection.

  Keith’s story illustrates how depression clouds vision. Keith is offered a place at a Scottish university. His first year begins unremarkably, but as autumn turns to winter and the days start to shorten, Keith’s mood deteriorates (refer to Chapter 2 for information about seasonal affective disorder). He has trouble getting himself out of bed in the mornings and starts missing lectures. His roommate tries hard to help – offering to wake him up in time, suggesting he sees a counsellor, and inviting him to social events.

  But Keith responds with grumpy withdrawal. One morning, feeling at his wits’ end, his roommate snaps, ‘That’s it! I’ve had it! I’ve done all I can for you. Why don’t you just quit feeling sorry for yourself and get out of bed, or at the very least, go and get help!’

  Rather than understand his roommate’s frustration, Keith concludes his roommate has had more than enough of him, and no longer wants his friendship. While it’s true that his roommate’s remark was mostly negative, it stemmed from concern and worry. But Keith magnifies and personalises the message into one of total rejection.

  Go to Chapters 5, 6, and 7 for more information about how depression can distort your perspectives about events in your life.

  Monochrome or technicolour? Seeing what you’re feeling

  Depressed people are often on the alert for disapproval and disparagement. Research shows that people suffering from depression actually seek negative feedback. And when that’s what they get, they feel even worse.

  Do these findings mean that depressed people actually want to feel rotten? We don’t think so. There’s a lot of evidence showing that most people are highly motivated to self-verify; they’re actively seeking out information that confirms whatever it is that they believe about themselves, and rejecting alternative views. In the same way, people with positive self-beliefs work at maintaining their particular outlook, while people with negative self-views work just as hard at doing the opposite.

  Sometimes, depressed people actually seek positive reassurance fro
m their partners. But ironically, if they then receive such support, they find a reason to reject and deny it, given the powerful drive to self-verify. Unsurprisingly, the partner then feels rejected. And a rejected partner typically withdraws and provides less support. This pattern can turn into the vicious circle of rejection and worsening depression (along with a deteriorating relationship).

  Bill has chronic, low-level depression known as dysthymia (refer to Chapter 2 for more information about dysthymia). He complains to his wife that he’s a failure at work. He expects she’ll agree, after telling her about all the mistakes (in reality, very few!) that he’s been making. When his wife contradicts him and supportively says she believes he’s actually very successful his depression causes him to reject her support, saying, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ His wife feels hurt. She withdraws. And their relationship slides further downhill.

  Cancelling out constructive criticism

  Although this may appear contradictory to what we’ve been saying about negative outlooks and depression, some people with depression occasionally do try to deal with criticism. However, they rarely succeed. Instead, the depressed mind goes for a defensive response, denying or counter-attacking any positive feedback. Again, a cycle of negativity and rejection follows.

  Pursuing Positives

  Depression encourages withdrawal, avoidance, and isolation. The depressed mind predisposes you not only to expect negative reactions, but also to go out of your way to find them. Your relationships can suffer as a result. Resisting the tendency of looking for negative feedback requires a lot of effort, not easy when you’re depressed. But you can override what your mind’s telling you to do and start reaching out to the ones you love, taking one step at a time.

  If you’ve been depressed for quite a while, you’ve probably fallen into some pretty bad habits in your relationships. Even if you don’t seek negative feedback, you probably don’t feel like actually doing anything that is going to lead to positive interactions. And your depressed mind may be telling you that if you do get your act together and do something positive, others are most likely to reject you anyway – so what’s the point?

  Repeating the same old behaviours isn’t going to improve your relationship. You have think about taking positive steps. What do you have to lose? Initiating a positive two-way relationship rarely causes trouble! If you don’t get an overwhelmingly positive response from your partner first time round, keep at it. Persistence is the key to success.

  Enjoying a two-way relationship is the glue binding a couple together. Everyone likes an occasional pat on the back, and when you include pats on the back in your relationship, your relationship inevitably improves. And improving your relationship helps lift your depression, The following sections give you ideas on how you can build ‘pats’ into your day-to-day relationships.

  Giving compliments

  Receiving appreciation, thanks, gratitude, and compliments feels good. Set yourself the goal of expressing one or more of these good feelings to your partner each day. Find a way to remind yourself to do so. Perhaps you can write a note in your daily planner or put a ”post-it” note on your mirror. Don’t forget that, when you’re depressed, your memory (or the disturbance of it) can ambush your best intentions (refer to Chapter 8 for more information on depression and memory).

  Keep these few things in mind when saying nice things and giving compliments:

  Be specific. Don’t merely say, ‘I appreciate you.’ (Although that’s fine occasionally.) Try to highlight specifics as to exactly what you appreciate, such as your partner’s help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, or finances. Or compliment your partner about specific aspects of his or her appearance, problem-solving ability, or special talents.

  Avoid ‘buts’. Stay clear of the temptation to give a compliment and then take it back. Don’t tell your partner, ‘I appreciate your attempt to balance our cheque-book, but did you know you’ve made a mistake?’

  Be sincere. Don’t give false flattery. Only say things you really mean. Look really hard and you’ll probably find something positive.If you can’t, don’t tell fibs! And if you really can’t think of anything at all that’s positive, your relationship could well benefit from expert help.

  Adding a nice touch

  Compliments can be very useful, but actions speak louder than words. Again, depression may make both thinking of and doing nice things difficult, so try this list to help you get started. It can spur you into action even when you’re not feeling like it (Chapter 9 gives information on how taking action can make you feel more motivated). Circle the items you think your partner will like, and feel free to add some of your own. Make a goal of doing one positive action two to three times a week. We call this plan The Magic Touch.

  Bringing home flowers.

  Cooking a romantic meal.

  Expressing how much you care.

  Giving a hug.

  Holding hands.

  Making a quick phone call to show how much you care.

  Offering your partner a backrub.

  Preparing and serving breakfast in bed.

  Putting a loving note in your partner’s lunch box.

  Running an errand.

  Sending a card.

  Taking over a task that’s normally your partner’s – like the ironing.

  Suggesting your partner takes a hot bath while you do the washing up.

  Cleaning your partner’s car.

  The Magic Touch isn’t an instant remedy, so don’t expect results straightaway, and don’t keep score. Over a few weeks, The Magic Touch exercise is likely to bring warmer feelings into your relationship. If it doesn’t, think about seeking relationship counselling.

  Planning pleasurable times together

  Many busy couples spend a lot of their time looking after others – playing chauffeur to their children, caring for their elderly parents, and additionally working long hours to impress management. The danger is that a couple can forget to give time to their own relationship. And if one partner is depressed and feeling neglected the relationship can rapidly go down hill.

  You can improve your relationship by planning positive times together. These activities don’t have to involve expensive holidays or overpriced seats at the opera. Simple pleasures can work wonders. The key is to sit down together to plan them, and then make sure you follow your plan. Be creative: choose an activity you both enjoy. Here are some suggestions to help you get started:

  Go out for a drink.

  Go dancing.

  Go out for afternoon tea.

  Sign up for an evening class together or join a society or club.

  Do the garden together.

  Go to the cinema and hold hands.

  Book a bargain-break.

  Buy a massage for two at a local spa.

  Take a walk together.

  If you’re feeling depressed, the thought of taking up a new interest or activity may well sound too much like hard work given how exhausted you’re already feeling. However, do remember that when you’re depressed, you probably aren’t expecting much pleasure from any leisure pursuit. (Chapters 9 and 11 give information about overcoming tendencies to make negative predictions.

  Including something enjoyable every day

  A nice simple idea is for you and your partner to build time into your relationship for a daily ‘catch-up’ each evening. If you really don’t have time every day, try to schedule catch-up time at least three times a week. We call this exercise The Daily News, believing that it can help you and your partner to get closer. Please note though that there are certain items you have to include in The Daily News and other items that you need to leave out.

  Keeping clear of conflict: Only discuss items that don’t involve conflict between the two of you, and events that are outside your relationship.

  Expressing empathy: Tell your partner that you understand how he or she is feeling. Try to back up or accept your partner’s emotions. You can say, ‘Bet that w
ould stress me out too!’ or, ‘I can see why it’s so upsetting.’ Stay focused on your partner’s perspective; don’t find fault. For example, if your partner is complaining about someone else’s behaviour, it’s not a good time to point out that the other person may be right – even though the reality points to this.