Hogfather

by Terry Pratchett

Page 9

 

  Banjo even breathed like Ronnie, who had to concentrate on such an intellectual exercise and always had one blocked nostril. And his mouth open all the time. He looked as though he was living on invisible plankton. He tried to keep his mind on what he was doing and ignore the laboured gurgling behind him. A change in its tone made him look up. Fascinating, said Teatime. You make it look so easy. Sideney sat back, nervously. Urn . . . it should be fine now, sir, he said. It just got a bit scuffed when we were piling up the He couldnt bring himself to say it, he even had to avert his eyes from the heap, it was the sound theyd made. . . . the things, he finished. We dont need to repeat the spell? said Teatime. Oh, itll keep going for ever, said Sideney. The simple ones do. Its just a state change, powered by the . . . the . . . it just keeps going He swallowed. So, he said, I was thinking . . . since you dont actually need me, sir, perhaps . . .

  Mr Brown seems to be having some trouble with the locks on the top floor, said Teatime. That door we couldnt open, remember? Im sure youll want to help. Sideneys face fell. Urn, Im not a locksmith.

  They appear to be magical. Sideney opened his mouth to say, But Im very bad at magical locks, and then thought much better of it. He had already fathomed that if Teatime wanted you to do something, and you werent very good at it, then your best plan, in fact quite possibly your only plan, was to learn to be good at it very quickly. Sideney was not a fool. Hed seen the way the others reacted around Teatime, and they were men who did things hed only dreamed of. 11 At which point he was relieved to see Medium Dave walk down the stairs, and it said a lot for the effect of Teatimes stare that anyone could be relieved to have it punctuated by someone like Medium Dave. Weve found another guard, sir. Up on the sixth floor. Hes been hiding. Teatime stood up. Oh dear, he said. Not trying to be heroic, was he?

  Hes just scared. Shall we let him go?

  Let him go? said Teatime. Far too messy. Ill go up there. Come along, Mr Wizard. Sideney followed him reluctantly up the stairs. The tower - if thats what it was, he thought; he was used to the odd architecture at Unseen University and this made UU look normal was a hollow tube. No fewer than four spiral staircases climbed the inside, criss-crossing on landings and occasionally passing through one another in defiance of generally accepted physics. But that was practically normal for an alumnus of Unseen University, although technically Sideney had not alumed. What threw the eye was the absence of shadows. You didnt notice shadows, how they delineated things, how they gave texture to the world, until they werent there. The white marble, if thats what it was seemed to glow from the inside. Even when the impossible sun shone through a window it barely caused faint grey smudges where honest shadows should be. The tower seemed to avoid darkness. That was even more frightening than the times when, after a complicated landing, you found yourself walking up by stepping down the underside of a stair and the distant floor now hung overhead like a ceiling. Hed noticed that even 11 Not, that is, things that he wanted to do, or wanted done to him. Just things that he dreamed of, in the armpit of a bad night.

  the other men shut their eyes when that happened. Teatime, though, took those stairs three at a time, laughing like a kid with a new toy. They reached an upper landing and followed a corridor. The others were gathered by a closed door. Hes barricaded himself in, said Chickenwire. Teatime tapped on it. You in there, he said. Come on out. You have my word you wont be harmed.

  No! Teatime stood back. Banjo, knock it down, he said. Banjo lumbered forward. The door withstood a couple of massive kicks and then burst open. The guard was cowering behind an overturned cabinet. He cringed back as Teatime stepped over it. Whatre you doing here? he shouted. Who are you?

  Ah, Im glad you asked. Im your worst nightmare! said Teatime cheerfully. The man shuddered. You mean . . . the one with the giant cabbage and the sort of whirring knife thing?

  Sorry? Teatime looked momentarily nonplussed. Then youre the one about where Im falling, only instead of ground underneath its all-

  No, in fact Im--- The guard sagged. Awww, not the one where theres all this kind of, you know, mud and then everything goes blue---’ No, Im---

  Oh, shit, then youre the one where theres this door only theres no floor beyond it and then theres these claws-

  No, said Teatime. Not that one. He withdrew a dagger from his sleeve. Im the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you stone dead. The guard grinned with relief. Oh, that one, he said. But that ones not very- He crumpled around Teatimes suddenly outthrust fist. And then, just like the others had done, he faded. Rather a charitable act there, I feel, Teatime said as the man vanished. But it is nearly Hogswatch, after all. Death, pillow slipping gently under his red robe, stood in the middle of the nursery carpet . . . It was an old one. Things ended up in the nursery when they had seen a complete tour of duty in the rest of the house. Long ago, someone had made it by carefully knotting long bits of brightly coloured rag into a sacking base, giving it the look of a deflated Rastafarian hedgehog. Things lived among the rags. There were old rusks, bits of toy, buckets of dust. It had seen life. It may even have evolved some. Now the occasional lump of grubby melting snow dropped onto it. Susan was crimson with anger. I mean, why? she demanded, walking around the figure. This is Hogswatch! Its supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly, and - and other things ending in olly! Its a time when people want to feel good about things and eat until they explode! Its a time when they want to see all their relatives- She stopped that sentence. I mean its a time when humans are really human, she said. And they dont want a . . . a skeleton at the feast! Especially one, I might add, whos wearing a false beard and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe! I mean, why? Death looked nervous. ALBERT SAID IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING. ER

  AGAIN There was a small squelchy noise. Susan spun around, grateful right now for any distraction. Dont think I cant hear you! Theyre grapes, understand? And the other things are satsumas! Get out of the fruit bowl!

  Cant blame a bird for trying, said the raven sulkily, from the table. And you, you leave those nuts alone! Theyre for tomorrow! SKQUEAF, said the Death of Rats, swallowing hurriedly. Susan turned back to Death. The Hogfathers artificial stomach was now at groin level. This is a nice house, she said. And this is a . ITS GOOD TO SEE YOU good job. And its real, with normal people. And I was looking forward to a real life, where normal things happen! And suddenly the old circus comes to town. Look at yourselves. Three Stooges, No Waiting! Well, I dont know whats going on, but you can all leave again, right? This is my life. It doesnt belong to any of you. Its not going to- There was a muffled curse, a rush of soot, and a skinny old man landed in the grate. Bum! he said. Good grief! raged Susan. And here is Pixie Albert! Well, well, well! Come along in, do! If the real Hogfather doesnt come soon theres not going to be room. HE WONT BE JOINING US, said Death. The pillow slid softly on to the rug. Oh, and why not? Both of the children did letters to him, said Susan. Theres rules, you know. YES. THERE ARE RULES. AND THEYRE ON THE LIST. I CHECKED IT. Albert pulled the pointy hat off his head and spat out some soot. Right. He did. Twice, he said. Anything to drink around here?

  So what have you turned up for? Susan demanded. And if its for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste-- THE HOGFATHER IS . . . UNAVAILABLE. Unavailable? At Hogswatch? YES. Why? HE IS . . . LET ME SEE . . . THERE ISNT AN ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE HUMAN WORD, SO . . . LETS SETTLE FOR . . . DEAD. YES. HE IS DEAD. Susan had never hung up a stocking. Shed never looked for eggs laid by the Soul Cake Duck. Shed never put a tooth under her pillow in the serious expectation that a dentally inclined fairy would turn up. It wasnt that her parents didnt believe in such things. They didnt need to believe in them. They knew they existed. They just wished they didnt. Oh, there had been presents, at the right time, with a careful label saying who they were from. And a superb egg on Soul Cake Morning, filled with sweets. Juvenile teeth earned no less than a dollar each from her father, without argument. 12 But it was
all straightforward. She knew now that theyd been trying to protect her. She hadnt known then that her father had been Deaths apprentice for a while, and that her mother was Deaths adopted daughter. Shed had very dim recollections of being taken a few times to see someone whod been quite, well, jolly, in a 12 In fact, when she was eight shed found a collection of animal skulls in an attic, relict of some former duke of an enquiring turn of mind. Her father had been a bit preoccupied with affairs of state and shed made twenty-seven dollars before being found out. The hippopotamus molar had, with hindsight, been a mistake. Skulls never frightened her, even then.

  strange, thin way. And the visits had suddenly stopped. And shed met him later and, yes, he had his good side, and for a while shed wondered why her parents had been so unfeeling and She knew now why theyd tried to keep her away. There was far more to genetics than little squirmy spirals. She could walk through walls when she really had to. She could use a tone of voice that was more like actions than words, that somehow reached inside people and operated all the right switches. And her hair . . . That had only happened recently, though. It used to be unmanageable, but at around the age of seventeen she had found it more or less managed itself. That had lost her several young men. Someones hair rearranging itself into a new style, the tresses curling around themselves like a nest of kittens, could definitely put the crimp on any relationship. Shed been making good progress, though. She could go for days now without feeling anything other than entirely human. But it was always the case, wasnt it? You could go out into the world, succeed on your own terms, and sooner or later some embarrassing old relative was bound to turn up. Grunting and swearing, the gnome clambered out of another drainpipe, jammed its hat firmly on its head, threw its sack onto a snowdrift and jumped down after it.

  s a good one, he said. Ha, take im weeks to get rid of that one! He took a crumpled piece of paper out of a pocket and examined it closely. Then he looked at an elderly figure working away quietly at the next house. It was standing by a window, drawing with great concentration on the glass. The gnome wandered up, interested, and watched critically. Why just fern patterns? he said, after a while. Pretty, yeah, but you wouldnt catch me puttin a penny in your hat for fern patterns. The figure turned, brush in hand. I happen to like fern patterns, said jack Frost coldly. Its just that people expect, you know, sad big-eyed kids, kittens lookin out of boots, little doggies, that sort of thing.

  I do ferns.

  Or big pots of sunflowers, happy seaside scenes. . .

  And ferns.

  I mean, sposing some big high priest wanted you to paint the temple ceiling with gods n angels and suchlike, whatd you do then?

  He could have as many gods and angels as he liked, provided they-

  -looked like ferns?

  I resent the implication that I am solely fernfixated, said Jack Frost. I can also do a very nice paisley pattern.

  Whats that look like, then?

  Well . . . it does, admittedly, have a certain ferny quality to the uninitiated eye. Frost leaned forward. Whore you? The gnome took a step backwards. Youre not a tooth fairy, are you? I see more and more of them about these days. Nice girls.