Anyone but Him

by Cassie Graham

  Whitley looks to me, and I know she’s thinking about it. She isn’t the mean, malevolent person she tries so very hard to be. She’s kind hearted and wants to make others happy. And, in true Whitley fashion, after her venomous stare, she lets her arms fall from my neck and steps back.

  “One. That’s it, Lark. If you say anything inappropriate or piss me off in any way, we are done. Got it?”

  “Got it,” he says sternly.

  I kiss her cheek. “Be good. I’ll be watching.”

  “Jealous?” she taunts, tapping the inside of my hand three times. Our new go-to gesture for ‘I love you.’

  I tap back three times. “Always.”

  “Don’t be,” she whispers, bringing her head down low. “He’s a dick.”

  I laugh, letting her hand go. Turning on my heel, I give Lark a look, leveling my eyes, telling him to keep his mouth shut.

  He sneers, but I leave the dance floor.

  “You did not just let Lark dance with Whitley,” Finn chastises, setting another round on the table.

  I shrug a shoulder, taking a long drag from my shot of scotch. “I can’t control her. She can do what she wants.”

  Bradley rubs his forehead, not liking where the conversation is going. He hasn’t seen Lark up close and personal, but it’s not a secret I can’t stand the assface.

  Pippa gives Sophia a look and they get up from the table, going who knows where.

  Finn moves closer to me, trying to be discreet. “Listen, brother,” he stops, looking out at the dance floor. “I heard Lark saying something to one of your frat brothers…”

  Unfortunately for me, The Lost Society is popular and a lot of the guys from school decided to attend. It’s low-key enough that I can get by without being noticed too much. I’ve had to stop for a few pictures and autographs, but for the most part, TLS is a good place for celebrities to hang. It’s extremely laid back. No fan freak-outs and most of the time, paparazzis stays away.

  Holli and Blaine’s wedding is one of the most anticipated marriages of the year. No media was allowed, but that didn’t stop them from camping out in front of the vineyard and flying helicopters over the field. Thankfully, though, someone tipped them off the start time for the ceremony.

  Only—it wasn’t the correct time. By the time the helicopters began circling, everyone was long gone in the reception hall, away from the cameras. We can all thank Whitley for that one. That doesn’t mean they gave up. Oh no. They followed us, but I was able to lose them on the freeway. I obviously wasn’t the only celebrity to attend, so I’m sure they were fine with finding someone else to stalk.

  “And?” I prompt.

  “And—“ He gives me a hard look. “He wants to tell Whitley your secret.”

  Bradley curses under his breath, punching the table.

  My heart starts to pound and I can imagine him telling her as we speak. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. Something in my head was screaming to stop being a pussy and just tell Whitley. Lark isn’t going to let it go that easily. And, if Finn is right, well, I’m about to let her slip through my hands because I don’t have a backbone.

  My eyes travel back to the dance floor. Whitley and Lark have stopped dancing, Whitley’s arms are crossed, and she’s listening intently. Lark points to his eye.

  Oh God, he is telling her.

  Whit shakes her head, taking a step back, grabbing her stomach in pain. He points to his eye again.

  “Green and blue,” I see him mouth the words.

  Oh God, no.

  Whitley puts her hand up, stopping him. She steps close to his body and points at his chest, barking something I can’t quite make out. He shakes his head, looking baffled. Using her hand, she pushes on his chest, yelling more. Larks arms shoot between the two of them in a you-and-I gesture and Whitley scoffs.

  “Ask him,” I watch Lark say.

  Again, Whitley’s hand moves to his chest, pushing him away as he advances on her.

  “Stop,” she tells him.

  With tears in her eyes, she turns away from him, walking toward the table. Lark stands by, watching with a smug smile.

  Purposefully, she steps up to me. Her look must have sent some telekinetic signal because Finn and Bradley bail, leaving me alone.

  “It’s not true,” she says with undying want.

  “Come outside with me,” I plead, standing up.

  “Fine,” she says, furiously swiping at the tears on her face.

  The walk to the back is long and traitorous. Each step I take makes my stomach sink further and further into my legs, weighing me down like the lies I’ve told Whitley.

  We step out into the night, the rain falling easily from the sky. The back patio provides shelter, but the look on Whitley’s eyes is enough to make my heart fall right out of my chest and onto the ground.

  “Tell me, Jennings,” she begs. “Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me that Lark is just being his normal douchey self, making shit up. Tell me that he’s a liar.” Her voice growing louder with each word.

  I take her hands and kiss a knuckle. “I can’t.” It comes out as a whisper of a whisper, I barely heard it, but I know she did. I know she does. Her breath catches and she steps back, letting her hands fall in front of her.

  “No,” she grinds her teeth. “No. You did not just let Lark,” she spews his name. “You did not let him be the good guy. You didn’t just let him collapse our life together. You didn’t. I know you didn’t. We have an honest relationship. I’ve told you everything, Jennings!” she screams. “You know about all of my skeletons.” She shoves my chest. “Take out your contacts,” she demands. “Now.”

  I swallow. “Let me explain, please.”

  She gives me a hard look. “No. I have to see for myself. Please. Take out your contacts.”

  I huff, pulling my contact case out of my pocket. I keep it on me at all times. A pet peeve of mine.

  First, I take out my left contact, my true, blue color shining through. Setting the small lens in the case, I take a deep breath, grabbing the right one. As the contact leaves my eye, Whitley’s breath catches in her throat, seeing the proof for herself.

  “Green,” she says, looking wounded. “One blue, one green. He was right.” She clutches at her stomach, again.

  I look down, ashamed, hiding my eyes. It was never easy having two different colored eyes, so the moment I could, I wore contacts that made me normal. I never thought this one flaw would be my downfall.

  It’s because I underestimated Lark. He is one of the very few who knew about it.

  Whitley steps closer to the parking lot, ready to bolt. “Why?” she rasps out, clearly hurt.

  “Okay,” I start. “I wanted to be normal, Whit. I wanted to go to school and be an everyday guy. No paparazzi. No fans. I wanted to be an average guy and go to school. Even for just a little bit.”

  She tugs at the bracelet on her wrist. “I get it. I’m the poster child for hiding. Wanting more out of what you were given. But, why not tell me? You had so many opportunities to tell me you weren’t actually Oliver.”

  “I just couldn’t.”

  “Because you couldn’t trust me?” she spits. “You thought I’d tell someone and ruin your act?” She throws her hands up. “How in the hell is this okay? Jennings—Oliver, whoever you are. God,” she laughs, but it’s all wrong. “I told so much to Oliver. I told him everything that I felt for you—Jennings. And it was you all along.” She pinches the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. “Jesus, you played me. You are a way better actor than the world gives you credit for,” she says in a sadistic tone.

  “Whitley,” I implore. “I’m sorry. The lies kept piling up and I couldn’t dig myself out.”

  She pats her heart twice. “I love you, and you lied. How can I trust anything you say?”

  I take a step toward her. “I’ve never once lied about what I felt for you. Everything you felt—feel, I hope—it’s all real. My feelings were the most genuine emotion in our relationship. I l
ove you. God, I love you so much. Please, understand. This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”

  “I can’t.” She walks into the rain, the water soaking her instantly.

  “You can’t, what?” I ask, following her.

  “I can’t trust you.” She spins around facing me, her stare hard as stone. “And, because of what I went through, trust is the only thing that matters when it comes to my heart.”

  I reach, desperate to stop her. Desperate to make her believe that even though I kept this secret from her, that it didn’t mean I loved her any less.

  “I put all of my chips on the table, hoping that I could separate Oliver and Jennings,” I admit. “I put all of my money into the fact that I could keep my lives separate. I never imagined I’d have you in both. And, dammit, I was just too selfish to give you up. I thought…,” I choke, my voice shaky. “I thought I could keep you, and make you see that I only did it because I didn’t want things to change. I wanted to be your best friend and your boyfriend. I wanted to be everything for you. And, telling you that I was Oliver might have crushed it. So, I played my hand for as long as possible.”

  “You know,” she blinks, the drops falling into her eyes. “Secrets have a way of taking their toll. It costs a lot more than you can invest, Jennings.” She takes a deep breath and steps closer to her car, the rain now pelting forcefully down on to our heads. “There isn’t enough money in the world to make this lie okay.” She brings her hand to her mouth. “It’s not the lie,” she says, pleading for me to understand why she’s crushed. “It’s the fact that you thought you had to lie to me because you thought you were anything less than my best friend. Jennings…I didn’t need Oliver. Oliver was simply a person who understood me in a way that no one really could. He understood the lifestyle you led and the hassle that came with being with you. But, if you think I loved him anywhere near as much as I love you, you are sadly mistaken. Even now,” she hisses, mad at herself. “As you’re telling me you lied, I can’t help but want to hurl myself in your arms and cry.” She sniffles. “Because you are everything to me. In the months that we’ve known each other, you’ve become someone who I come to depend on. It’s sick. I’ve let myself finally love so hard, that I can’t stop. You lied, and I still love you. I still want to be with you.”

  I breathe, stepping close, but she stops me, mimicking the movement she just did to Lark. “But, I need time. I have to know you aren’t going to do it again.”

  “I won’t,” I say automatically.

  “I’m leaving for Europe on Monday,” she tells me. “That’s what I was going to tell you. I got the internship.”

  “That’s great, Whitley,” I say, feeling a source of pride. She’d mentioned she applied for it, but didn’t think she’d get it.

  “So, you’re going to film your movie in Arizona and I’m going to go on my adventure. When I get home, maybe you will have found someone else. Maybe, I’ll try to open up to someone else, I don’t know. But for now, you need to let me go. If time is going to fix anything, it’ll be this lie. I can’t be with you when I can’t trust if you’re telling me the truth.”

  I lean against the car. “How will you ever know?” I ask…because, how could she possibly begin to believe me when I’ve kept something so measly from her.

  It was stupid to not tell her the truth.

  You know, hindsight being twenty-twenty, and all.

  It would have been so easy to tell her that very first night. The night I stumbled into on the beach. I could have gone there and told her the truth. But, my jaded attitude made me question all of my feelings.

  Her body vibrates with a shiver, the cold rain still falling down. “Find a way to help me believe in you. This lie, it doesn’t even really matter in the grand scheme of things. The lie itself doesn’t hurt. I found a friend in Oliver and a love in Jennings, which makes me pretty damn lucky. Both of you are wonderful guys. So, help me find a way to get over it. But, I have to go. I’m freezing and it’s a long drive home.”

  I nod my head, stepping back as she opens the door. “I’m going to find a way to make this right,” I promise. “If I can’t be with you, I don’t want to be with anyone else. You’re it for me. I promised that the stars were ours. I don’t share my universe with anyone but you.”

  She starts the car, rolling down the window, the water splashing on to the interior. I put my hands on the door, accepting my punishment. “I love you.”

  She doesn’t say anything. She puts the car into reverse, letting go of the brake. At the last second, her hand lands on top of mine, tapping three times.

  LEAVING IS EASY WHEN you’re pissed. It’s even easier when you’ve been crushed. The difficulty comes after. After you leave someone you love so deeply, you ache for them…even though you shouldn’t. I wish I didn’t ache for Jennings.

  But, I do. Because I suck.

  I want to be mad and angry, cursing his name to the heavens. I just—don’t. I feel empty. Emotionless. He so easily gained my trust at the beginning of our relationship. I thought I had worked my way into his soul that I could burrow myself in there and live. But, that burrow was cocooned deceit.

  The lie isn’t even the most worrisome. It isn’t what hurts. What hurts is my pride. The fact that he couldn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth, as insignificant as it is.

  I want to be significant enough to be trusted.

  I let him in.

  Why couldn’t he do the same?

  This is where my thoughts downfall.

  I always thought my issues would bring us crashing to the ground. That my insecurities about being found out would be enough to make him stop loving me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Jennings would be the one to separate us.

  The way he loved so deeply, the way he cared, I didn’t think someone could pretend so simply. It seemed as easy as breathing with him. We fell into our love so effortlessly. I should have known there was a bomb sitting in our laps, waiting to explode.

  And damn me.

  Damn me for thinking I’d do it all over again if I had the chance. Jennings may have hurt me by lying, but I wouldn’t give up the last year for anything. I was able to break away from the person I used to be when I was with Jennings. I was able to be a new person. A better me.

  The struggle is worth it because I found myself in the process.

  And, I did.

  I’ve been in Europe for five days now, and as the miles pass I can’t help but wonder what Jennings is doing. If he thinks about me, or if he regrets not telling me about his double life.

  My days are spent teaching the children of the families I stay with, and at night, I’m busy finding ways to make the hours tick by faster than the pace of a snail. I read, I write, I try not to think.

  I’m able to talk to Holli often. We were able to meet up at the beginning leg of their honeymoon in Monaco. They are traveling all over the continent, stopping in all of their favorite places. So, we met for dinner on the beach and I got to catch up.

  They found out about Jennings and me almost instantly. Unfortunately, everyone at The Lost Society figured it out after Jennings went back in and drank himself into oblivion.

  Finn’s words. Not mine.

  And even letting myself think about him doing anything of the sort, pains me. I know what he went through a few years back after got himself into trouble with drinking. The last thing I want to do is put him in another dark hole. But, Holli reassured me that he got the drinking out of his system that night and has been in Arizona filming, doing okay.

  All of the friends I’ve made since meeting Jennings still treat me like a friend. Finn still calls every day to check in. He’s probably worried after knowing what happened that last night. Even Bradley and Sophia have made it a point to make sure I’m not in some ditch, depressed. It’s nice to know I still have friends despite the fact that I lost Jennings and Oliver on the same day.

  The really sad thing is, I hadn’t heard from Oliver in w
eeks prior to walking away from Jennings.

  I thought I had done something to make him upset.

  Holy hell, was I wrong.

  My mind is a jumbled mess. I miss Jennings…I miss Oliver. I’ve missed Oliver for a while now. It’s just—now, when I let myself think about it, I don’t know how I didn’t see it.

  Jennings confused the shit out of me instantly. Sexy and intimidating, I couldn’t catch my breath around him, let alone make any sort of sense as to why he wanted me.

  Then came Oliver, with his smirk and sense of crazy confidence, I sort of hated him a little. He was everything I wasn’t. Cool, calm and in control of his life. I wanted to be like him. Even when he made me angry, I couldn’t really force myself to wholeheartedly hate him. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to know more about him. I wanted to delve into his life to see how it compared to mine. He fascinated me in other ways that I couldn’t really explore with Jennings because he was “gone” all of the time.

  There’s another lie to add to the list.

  But those two people made a whole. They are one and the same. The man I was insanely in love with and the man I opened up to so easily, played both sides of the field. They helped me believe I somehow did something right. I was given two people who understand what it’s like to be Whitley Hayes. That isn’t an easy feat.

  What the hell did I do in a past life to deserve such a slap in the face?

  On one hand, I feel betrayed. Betrayed because I love Jennings. I love him too much, probably. He understood the shadows in my past were something that had to be fought solely by me, and didn’t push to be the one to do it. He let me figure out my life while still finding a way to love all of the broken pieces left in my past’s wake.

  There’s that nagging voice in my head, screaming at me. He’s an actor—possibly a magnificent liar. A paid deceiver.

  He’s Oliver. Oliver is Jennings.

  Can I trust him, again? He was only lying to keep his identity safe. Me, of all people can sympathize. But, he couldn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth?

  It seems simple, right? Dump his ass and move on. But…I don’t know if my heart can take the pain of truly letting him go.