Outlaw Seal

by Kate Sheperd

  His fingers were clearly not as patient as mine. Buttons popped off and skittered across the room as he ripped my shirt open. I took it the rest of the way off and unsnapped my bra for him. He pulled it off and flung it carelessly aside before pulling his own shirt off.

  He laid me down on the floor, resting between my legs as he cupped one breast in his hand and kissed the other one. I couldn’t help the little moan that escaped me. And I couldn’t ignore the effect it had had on him. Suddenly I could feel the hardness of him through his jeans. The thought of it sent waves of heat coursing through me.

  I fumbled with the button of his jeans as he did the same with mine. Before I knew it, we were both completely naked. He stopped for a moment, his arms around my shoulders, the length of him resting against the inside of my thigh. He looked into my eyes for a long moment, as if asking some unspoken question. The flames played across his face and in that moment I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I was his. I knew I would never love anyone else the way that I loved him.

  Whatever it was that he saw in my eyes, it seemed to satisfy him. He kissed me again, more gently this time, as he pushed inside me. Slowly at first, rhythmically, but gaining speed with every passing minute. I could feel the pressure building in me with each thrust. Not a bad pressure. It was something of light and heat and passion.

  I felt him throbbing inside me as he reached climax, and it was the last straw. I cried out as I climaxed with him, as his thrusts slowed, and we rested in each other’s arms. He kissed me again and it was salty with our sweat. I sighed contentedly as he rolled onto his side, pulling me closer into his arms. Sleep crept up on me.

  As if in a dream I heard him whisper, “I really do need you, Charlie.” He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

  *****

  It was two more days before we were able to leave the cabin. Luckily there were enough canned goods there to feed an army through the apocalypse. They tasted terrible, the mattress could have passed as a medieval torture device…and it was the happiest damn two days of my life. For those two days, the rest of the world did not exist for us. We spent them wrapped up in each other, both literally and physically by turns.

  But all good things must end. On the third day there was a knock at the door. It was Sheriff Graff. Apparently Ruth had called them to come out looking for us when we didn’t come back. And just like that, I was back to feeling conflicted. Except now I felt conflicted and I felt like a homewrecker. Each time the sheriff looked my way I felt like he was judging me. It probably wasn’t entirely imagined, either. I was, after all, holding my obviously button-less shirt closed with my hands as he spoke to us.

  It was almost a relief to get my coat back on. Covered my shirt at least. As we rode back down with the sheriff I couldn’t help but wonder why it had taken Ruth two days to finally call the sheriff. When we got back to the house I asked Buck about it. It seemed to bother him when I mentioned her. Not that I could blame him. Hell, it bothered me. It was like the two of us talking about her made what we had done worse somehow.

  He said that they’d fought just before we’d left, and that it wasn’t that unusual for her to kick him out for days at a time after a fight. I felt a cold worse than any storm take root in me as he told me that. So, I was what exactly? His way to blow off steam when he and the wife fought? I felt dirty.

  “I see,” I said. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. He must have noticed because he reached for my hand.

  “Charlie?”

  “Don’t. Please,” I said, yanking my hand away.

  “Charlie, what--?”

  “I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Boss.”

  It was all I could do to keep it together as I walked to my truck and drove toward the highway. But as soon as I was out of sight of the house the tears came, hot across my cheeks. I don’t know what I had expected. That’s just what I get for sleeping with a married man.

  I drew a bath when I got home, but I found again that I couldn’t wash away his touch. And a large part of me didn’t want to. I missed him even as I cursed myself for missing him.

  *****

  I feel like an ass. Charlie stormed out like hell’s fury. At first I didn’t know why, but I think I’ve figured it out. I feel like such an ass. I keep replaying that conversation in my head, and I can see how it must have sounded to her. Right now she’s probably thinking that I used her. That what happened between us was just because me and Ruth fought again.

  And that’s just not true. I love her. It took me damned long enough to realize it, but I love her. The damnedest part is that I still love my wife too. But I need to accept that she’s gone. The woman I’m married to hasn’t been my wife for a very long time. Not my Ruth. She’s long gone.

  But Charlie is here, and she’s real, and she loves me back. And she is pissed. I don’t blame her a bit.

  *****

  I had to really gather myself up to go to work that next day. I really didn’t want to. And I decided that I probably wouldn’t keep doing it. I could get a couple of days off the next week and look for something else. Then I’d never have to see his damned face again. I’d stopped the night before and picked up some Plan B, so no worries there.

  When I pulled up next to the house I had to make myself get out of the truck and go to the stables. Buck was already there. Of course. I gave him my iciest stare and went to saddle Winchester. He grimaced, but didn’t try to talk to me as he went to saddle Jasper. Coward…

  We went through the day’s work without speaking. Not that he didn’t try. But whenever he tried to speak to me, I rode in the opposite direction. After we had stabled the horses I thought I had managed to avoid any conversation.

  I was wrong.

  He grabbed my hand as I was about to leave the stables. I tried to pull away, annoyed. But he had a hell of a grip.

  “Charlie, wait. Please.”

  “Why should I?” I snapped. Even as I said it, I felt bad about it. No matter what he’d done, I still didn’t want to hurt him.

  “It’s not what you think, Charlie.”

  “Oh?” I said. “What is it then?”

  He seemed at a loss for words for a moment. But then he said, “This.”

  And he kissed me. And let me tell you, it was a hell of a compelling argument. It took me a minute to get my head on straight again, but I did.

  “And what the hell exactly is that supposed to mean?” I asked him. I could see him visibly sag under the weight of the question.

  “It means that I love you,” he choked out after a moment.

  It knocked the wind clean out of me.

  “What?” I whispered.

  “I said that I love you, Charlotte Wilson. I love you.”

  I blinked back tears. It was the first time he had ever called me by my full name.

  “Damn it, Buck. Damn it. I love you too. But what the hell am I supposed to do with that? What do I do with that when your wife is in the house no more than two hundred feet from us? I don’t want to be a God damned homewrecker. I don’t know what I was thinking before. But I don’t want to be a homewrecker.”

  He made no reply except to look utterly dejected.

  “I gotta go,” I said, throwing my hands up. “I’m taking next Thursday and Friday off.”

  He didn’t argue with me.

  I jumped in my truck, put it in gear, and hightailed it for home. The hell with this day.

  *****

  I watched as Charlie’s truck went out of sight. I was completely at a loss. I’d thought that if she understood that what had happened between us was real, that I really did love her, it would make everything ok again. But it hadn’t. And thinking about it, I saw why. And I wanted to kick myself for being so stupid.

  She didn’t know, had no way of knowing, that things between Ruth and I were over, had been over for years. We should have divorced years ago. God only knows why we didn�
�t.

  As far as Charlie knew, she was only coming between two people who had problems, but ultimately loved each other and wanted to be together.

  God damn it.

  I didn’t even stop at the house. No point in stopping for an inevitable fight. Not when I needed a beer so bad. I headed straight for Bobby’s.

  “Budweiser,” I said when I got to the bar.

  “You got it,” Shelly said. I could tell she wanted to ask more, but she refrained. Good girl.

  I was a bit surprised when she brought a pitcher and a mug instead of a bottle.

  “Looked like you could use it,” she said in response to my raised eyebrow.

  “Eh. Fair enough,” I said. I took the pitcher and the mug and set up camp at a table in the corner. I don’t know why I was surprised when Carl showed up. He’s here damn near every night.

  “Uh oh hombre,” he said as he approached my table. “What’s going on?”

  I decided to spare both of us the whole ‘oh, nothin’ man’ routine.

  “I wanna divorce Ruth,” I said, looking him in the eyes.

  “Oh,” he said. Must’ve taken him a second to process. “Oh. Damn. What…why?”

  I snorted a laugh at that. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” he said, after a pause. “Guess it makes sense.”

  We sat without talking for a few minutes, drinking beer. Carl was the one to finally break the silence.

  “Sooo…what about the ranch?”

  “That’s what I’m worried about,” I told him.

  “Yeah…you could lose everything.”

  “Yeah, I’m aware,” I said wryly.

  “Buck, I think you need to work it out with Ruth. I dunno what ‘it’ is exactly. But whatever ‘it’ is, you need to work it out. You could lose it all.”

  “Yeah,” I said reluctantly. “You’re right.”

  And he was right. I could lose everything. No, I was going to lose everything.

  *****

  I had just finished my bath and pulled on my robe when I heard a knock at the door. Which was odd, considering the hour. There was a second knock as I made my way down the hall.

  “Comin’,” I said. “Hang on.”

  I undid the deadbolt and the chain and opened the door. I almost wished I hadn’t. Almost. But there was still that part of me that was elated to see Buck on the other side of the door. I kicked myself for being happy to see him and tried to remind myself that I was mad at him.

  “Can I come in?” he asked after a long moment.

  “Yeah,” I answered. I barely managed more than a whisper. Damn it, why couldn’t I just send him away? I knew the answer to that, of course. I didn’t want to send him away. We stood in silence in the hallway for a long moment after I let him in and shut the door.

  “I meant what I said, you know.”

  I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. It took everything I had not to cry as I looked up at him. He stepped closer and gently touched the side of my face.

  “Charlie, I love you.”

  I didn’t have it in me to turn him away again. “I love you too,” I whispered.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed myself up against him as he kissed me. I knew I’d probably hate myself tomorrow. But right now I just didn’t care. It was worth it to feel his touch again.

  A shiver went through me as his hands caressed my shoulders, pushing my robe aside. I looked up at him as I untied it and let it fall to the floor. The hunger in his eyes sent heat coursing through me. A big part of me wanted to let him take me right there in the hallway, but I led him to the bedroom instead.

  It didn’t take him long to leave his clothes in a pile at the foot of my bed. I trembled with anticipation as I laid back on the bed. He took his time, reaching inside me and moving his fingers in rhythmic circles until I was about ready to explode. Then he stopped and positioned himself between my legs and kissed me long and hard before thrusting himself inside me. I climaxed the second he entered me.

  Warmth washed through every part of me as he continued to move inside me. I climaxed three more times before he was done. He pulled out as he finished and then he kissed me for a long moment.

  We fell asleep in each other’s arms.

  *****

  I did my best not to wake Charlie as I got dressed in the pale dawn light. She stirred when I placed a kiss on her forehead.

  “I’m just headin’ back to the ranch,” I told her softly.

  “That time already?” she asked sleepily.

  “Nah, it’s early yet. Get some sleep, darlin’. I’ll see you later today.”

  “M’kay,” she mumbled, although it was mostly muffled as she buried her face in the pillow.

  I couldn’t help but smile. I ran my fingers through her hair one last time before I turned and made my way out the front door.

  My breath came out in plumes and I had to scrape the frost off my windshield before I could drive, but I was still the happiest I’d been in years. I didn’t know what the future held, but for right now I had Charlie, and that was all that mattered.

  My good mood didn’t last though. As I pulled up to the house my heart sank as I thought about Ruth. I didn’t know what to do. I knew that there was no hope for salvaging my marriage. But a divorce could cost me the ranch. Hell, probably would cost me the ranch. I sighed and shook my head as I made my way up the front steps. I just couldn’t think about it anymore.

  I was surprised to find Ruth waiting for me when I opened the front door. I was even more surprised when she hauled off and slapped me hard enough to make me see stars.

  “Christ, woman! What the hell is the matter with you?” I said as I put my hand up to my cheek. It stung like a son of a bitch.

  “Where the hell have you been?” she shouted at me.

  I stared at her in disbelief.

  “Well? Answer me!” I wouldn’t have thought it was possible for her to make her voice any louder, but damned if she didn’t pull it off. It was the last straw.

  “Now hang on, let me get this straight. You kick me out of the house, my house, for days on end and now all of a sudden you wanna keep tabs on my every move?”

  “I asked you where the hell you’ve been,” she said in a low, dangerous tone.

  “Out,” I said, brushing past her. Suffice it to say that that answer did not make her happy.

  I ignored the rest of her rant as I changed into my work boots. She followed me, continuing her tirade all the way to the front door. I shut it in her face and headed for the stable. I saddled up Jasper and rode out toward the back forty. Charlie wouldn’t get here for about another hour. Normally I would have worked around the stable until she got here, but I wanted as much distance between me and that house as possible. She’d probably figure out where I’d gone. There was work to be done, but I was too angry to deal with it.

  The ride out to the back forty in the cold cleared my head a good bit. And sure enough, about an hour and a half later, Charlie showed up riding Winchester.

  “Tryin’ to hide from me?” she asked flippantly.

  “Not from you,” I said with a wry smile.

  “Ah,” she said. “Gotcha. Bad one, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s not…you know…because of me…is it?”

  “No,” I told her. Well, I thought, that wasn’t entirely true. But she didn’t need to know that. Fights like that one had been pretty commonplace before things with Charlie had started. “Nothin’ to worry about, darlin’.”

  “Ok…” she said, although she seemed unconvinced.

  “It’s nothin’. Really.” I reached out and put my hand against her face. She leaned her face against it and put her hand over mine.

  And just like that, everything was alright again.

  *****

  The next few months were like a dream. I still felt a little conflicted sometimes about the situation with him and Ruth. But I found that I wasn’t willing to give him up. I couldn’t. If this was the onl
y way I could have him, then I’d take what I could get. He rarely stayed the night at my house. More often than not we made love in the stables or out near the back forty once winter gave way to spring.

  It was fine like that for a while. But everything changed in May. It was a clear, sunny day as I drove toward the ranch with a sense of growing dread. I was about to have a conversation I did not want to have. But it had to be done.

  I found Buck still at the stables. He smiled as I approached, which made me feel even worse.

  “You’re late,” he said. There wasn’t any anger in his tone though. “That’s not like you. Everything ok?”

  “I was sick,” I told him. Concern washed over his face.

  “Hey, if you need the day off—“

  “Buck, I have to quit,” I blurted out. He looked hurt and I hated it. But I was about to make it a thousand times worse.

  “What…but why?”

  “Can’t be on the horses anymore. Might make me lose the baby.” I was barely able to get my voice to come out above a whisper. My hand fluttered to my belly as I watched comprehension dawn on his face.

  “Charlie, you’re….you’re pregnant?”

  I nodded miserably.

  “Oh my God,” he said softly. “Oh my God.” He somehow sounded more awestruck than horrified. He put his hand over his mouth.

  “What the hell are we gonna do?” I asked him.

  He shrugged helplessly. “I…I don’t know.”

  Neither of us said anything for several minutes.

  “Buck, what are we gonna do?” I finally asked again.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “Have a baby I guess.”

  “That’s not funny.”

  “No, it’s…I know it’s not funny.” After a long pause he said quietly, “I’m gonna have to ask Ruth for a divorce.”

  “Buck, you’ll lose the ranch,” I protested.

  “Doesn’t matter,” he said, shaking his head. He walked over and placed his hand on my belly. “This changes everything.”

  I couldn’t find any words. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks. I knew how much the ranch meant to him.

  “Hey, hey, shh,” he said. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head. “We’re gonna get through this.”