Outlaw Seal

by Kate Sheperd

  This relates to her description of Herman appearing golden when he first transformed to Hermes at the zoo, but gas been changed for clarity.

  [S42]Starting from here through the end of this paragraph, I added a lot of “hads” to indicate that he is having a memory right now, instead of this being a description of current action in the story.

  [S43]If this is the same woman on the same occasion, this seems an unnecessary spot for a chapter break.

  [S44]I’m wondering if this was supposed to be despite NOT having reproduced? Fine either way, just checking.

  [S45]Are these living beings, vangorg’s people, who are being summoned? Or an army of ancestors? Either is fine, I just wasn’t clear below who he is talking to – actual people or a sort of ghost army.

  [S46]If these aren’t the ancestors he summoned before, we need to be clear who these people are and where they came from so quickly.

  [S47]Cobwebs are usually a metaphor for a brain that has been asleep for a long time, or in some other way unused, so they don’t really make sense here.

  [S48]A confusing comparison. One of his fingers is stronger than ten human…fingers? Ten entire humans? I went for the middle ground comparison, but if he is really superman strong, we just need to find a clearer way to convey that.

  [S49]I think that’s what they mean?

  [S50]It’s not really a question.

  [S51]Should this be “your” fellows? If not, who is “her”?

  [S52]This spelling of “honey” is a pet peeve of mine. If the author really wants it, it’s fine, but it’s not my thing.

  [S53]I think this should be all one word?

  [S54]Plenty of horses in big cities? That’s confusing to me. Maybe she meant “there were plenty of other things in big cities to make up for no horses?

  Note after finishing the story: This is one of those little details that doesn’t really need to be here. I expected him to be a horse based on her laying down this detail. It’s not hurting anything, and we do need to establish that she’s a farm girl, but I think she does that adequately later.

  [S55]I feel like there needs to be another sentence here. “Assuming there would be plenty of time to learn all about him later, she stopped herself from asking him about shifting right away.” OR “Tamera was annoyed that she had been so up front about her status, and yet remained mystified about this man’s.” Something to explain why we’re talking about what kind of shifter he is and how that relates to her human status.

  [S56]This is sort of an unfortunate term. It’s a little homophobic, and I think it’s pretty dated. I feel like 1960s dads said “sissy”. Could she say “wimpy” or maybe “nerdy”?

  [S57]I don’t know if you have a policy about this, but I prefer coming/come to cumming/cum, which just feels a little crass and casual at the same time.

  [S58]Same comment