Kraken My Heart

by K. L. Hiers

  “Should pop in and visit my son,” Grell teased. “I’m feeling the urge to be a grateful father all of a sudden.”

  “Shit. Me too.” Ted laughed. “I’ll buy him all the fuckin’ catnip he wants.” He fiddled with the stem of his glass. “I’ve never dated anyone who had a kid before.”

  “Or who happened to be a charming Asra?” Grell smirked.

  “Or was quite this full of themselves,” Ted added with a grin.

  “Or has two cocks that he can use to leave your mortal body quivering with pleasure?” Grell batted his eyes sweetly.

  “Or was a king.” Ted gulped back the wine. “Lotta firsts for me, you know?”

  “Well,” Grell said thoughtfully, “let’s see. I’ve never dated anyone with starsight before. Never anyone who had died, that’s definitely new. And I’ve never dated anyone who makes me feel quite the way you do.”

  Ted honestly didn’t know what to say, but his heart was pounding so hard that he swore he could feel that second mysterious beat.

  “You’re funny, you’re sweet, and you happen to be one of the most compassionate creatures I’ve ever met,” Grell went on sincerely. “Being with you… I feel whole again.”

  Ted grabbed Grell’s hand, still unsure of what to say. All he could do was smile like a fool and drink in the wonderful praise.

  The way Grell was looking at him made him feel…

  Loved.

  After a few moments, he smirked and eyed Grell expectantly.

  “Oh, right,” Grell said suddenly. “And you have the sweetest little hole this side of Xenon and Aeon too.” He winked lecherously. “Better?”

  “Was worried you were gettin’ soft on me,” Ted teased.

  “For you, Tedward, I only get hard,” Grell promised.

  Naturally, that was the moment their waiter returned to take their order. He smiled politely but was definitely trying to hold back a laugh. “Are you gentlemen ready to order?”

  “After you, love,” Grell said, grinning and peering at Ted over the top of his menu.

  Ted cleared his throat, awkwardly scanning the entrees. He looked back up at the waiter, challenging, “What’s the biggest steak you got?”

  “Ah, that’s my man,” Grell sighed dreamily.

  The Angus Barn’s largest steak was a forty-two-ounce monstrosity of a bone-in ribeye called the Tomahawk Chop, and Ted ate every last bite.

  Grell drank all the wine.

  After declining dessert, Ted was whisked back to Xenon and snuggled up in Grell’s bed. Grell had to run a quick errand and left Ted with an aching stomach and debating the wisdom of eating a steak bigger than his head.

  When Grell returned, his posh suit turned back into his colorful unicorn onesie as he slid into bed beside Ted. He patted Ted’s aching belly, cooing, “Aw, my poor little darling. Sicky tummy?”

  “I regret nothing,” Ted said stubbornly.

  Snickering, Grell leaned in for a kiss.

  Ted’s clothes were transformed into his own matching unicorn onesie. His tummy was grateful for the extra room, but he was confused. “Everything okay?”

  “Finally got the court corralled,” Grell replied, rubbing Ted’s stomach soothingly. “They’ll be dragging their tentacles and claws and assorted bits together for your trial tomorrow morning. The Vulgorans requested a postponement so they can have a funeral for Humble Visseract tonight.”

  “Well, damn.” Ted was relieved. Trying to stand trial with an aching stomach hadn’t been appealing. He relaxed, cuddling up on Grell’s chest. “Who’s the new prosecutor?”

  “That idiot Ghulk.”

  “Goody. Still think I’ll be found innocent?”

  “Of course. Or I’ll just eat Ghulk.”

  “You’re so sweet.”

  “Like cotton candy,” Grell confirmed with a grin. “Except I don’t get stuck in your dental work.”

  “Yeah, you get stuck in other places.” Ted laughed, but he was suddenly bashful when Grell looked at him, waiting for him to elaborate. “You know, like in my heart kinda places. Or like in my thoughts! I dunno!” He groaned. “I’m shutting up now.”

  “Ah, you’re so very romantic, Tedward.”

  “You shut up too. Let’s go to sleep.”

  “I can think of other enticing places to get stuck in.”

  “Go to sleep. I’m already full-up on meat for tonight.”

  “Ouch!”

  Ted couldn’t help but laugh, snuggling in just a bit closer. “Seriously,” he breathed, “thank you for taking me out. It was fuckin’ great. Maybe tomorrow after my trial….”

  “Yes?”

  “We can work on you getting stuck in some good places. Maybe even, you know, at the same time.”

  “Oh, my love.” Grell was beaming. “I do so adore you. You’re definitely sitting next to me at lunch now.”

  Ted laughed again.

  Grell smiled and kissed his brow. “Sleep sweetly, Tedward of Aeon.”

  “Sweet dreams, King Grell of Xenon.”

  Chapter 14.

  TED WOKE up in Grell’s arms, warm and happy. He stretched his legs, burying his face into Grell’s chest with a contented sigh. He hadn’t heard one ghost, not a single phone ringing, and it had been years since he’d slept so well. No matter what happened today, he knew he could keep this.

  The happiness, the sense of peace, and his beautiful king.

  “Good morning,” Grell purred, shifting beneath Ted as he stirred. “Mmm… don’t you look lovely.”

  Ted was certain his hair was a mess, but he grinned anyway. “Good morning. Time for breakfast, going to trial with the court, and then steamy sex before lunch?”

  “You read my mind,” Grell said. “That’s a perfectly wonderful idea.”

  They stayed in bed for a few more minutes before Grell summoned them a luscious breakfast. They ate in bed, enjoying the comfortable silence between bites of food. Even though his trial was coming up soon, Ted wasn’t worried.

  For better or worse, the trial was going to declare him innocent. All of this would be over, and he could enjoy his budding romance with Grell in peace.

  He could sense Graham nearby, feel his little hand touch his shoulder, but he didn’t speak. The gesture seemed comforting, and Ted took it as a wish of luck for what was about to happen.

  When breakfast was done, Grell got them dressed and took Ted’s hands to press little kisses all over them. “Are you ready, love?”

  “Ready as I can be,” Ted said with a forced smile. “Let’s get this shit over with, okay?”

  “Agreed,” Grell said, keeping hold of one of Ted’s hands as he ported them to court.

  The room was full of monsters of all shapes and sizes, and Ted fidgeted. It was still unnerving to see so many of them together like this.

  Kunst was waiting for them, hovering nearby, and he zipped right over to Grell with an insistent wiggle.

  “Ah, right,” Grell said, tapping the orb. “Unmuted.”

  “Thank you, Your Highness,” Kunst said with obvious annoyance. “I trust your little date went well?”

  “Oh, it was wonderful,” Grell replied with syrupy sweetness. “How was being a silent bowling ball all night?”

  “Surprisingly productive.”

  “Good.”

  Kunst huffed expectantly. “Despite the lack of assistance, ahem, I was able to make some headway, and I think you will be very pleased. Would you like to hear my theory about the bones?”

  “Not particularly, no.”

  “We’ll talk about it later,” Ted said with an encouraging smile. “After the trial?”

  “Fine.” It was apparently possible for floating blue orbs to pout.

  Grell transformed into his Asra body and took his place in his large throne, clicking his teeth loudly for silence. He gestured for Ted to stand next to him before addressing the crowd, “We’re here today to rule on the deaths of Sergan Mire and Thulogian Silas.

  “The prisoner says that he is
innocent, I am serving as defense for him, and Vizier Ghulk will handle the responsibility of prosecution.”

  “I’m ready, Your Highness!” Ghulk exclaimed, trotting up to kneel in front of Grell.

  “Very well,” Grell replied briskly. “Begin.”

  “I will show the court that Ted of Aeon conspired to murder our beloved Asran brethren and Humble Visseract because he is a power-hungry mortal who seeks to take the throne for himself!” Ghulk declared to the crowd.

  “What?” Ted scoffed.

  “Just let him talk,” Grell said with a shrug. “Don’t worry. It’s all going to be rubbish.”

  “He needed a way to gain power,” Ghulk went on dramatically. “Look at him! A puny mortal with barely a scrap of magic! Of course he would want the throne! And how else could he do it except murder two Asra!”

  Ted scrubbed his hands over his face.

  “This way, he could take advantage of Asran law and get himself engaged to the king!” Ghulk declared.

  “Wait, what now?” Ted’s hands dropped.

  Grell looked furious, and the crowd was murmuring with excitement.

  “He helped the king move both bodies of the fallen Asra into the pits! All part of his nefarious plan!” Ghulk sounded almost hysterical with glee. “Now he is engaged to the king!”

  “Are we fucking engaged?” Ted hissed.

  “Technically, but it didn’t seem worth mentioning,” Grell hissed back.

  “Strongly disagree!” Ted’s stomach tightened. He wished he could strangle Grell.

  “Only members of the royal family handle the dead,” Kunst added helpfully. “As soon as you entombed those bodies, you became engaged. It’s an ancient Asran tradition for—”

  “Shut up!” Ted groaned.

  “I’m sure he now plots to kill our beloved king,” Ghulk said with a loud huff. “As soon as they’re wed, he will strike! He will take the throne and become the first mortal ruler of the Asra!”

  “Aren’t you gonna, you know, defend me?” Ted demanded, glaring haughtily at Grell.

  “Ah, right.” Grell leaned forward, saying sternly to the court, “That is simply not true.”

  “And?” Ted urged.

  “I’m working on it, be patient,” Grell muttered. “I didn’t expect him to actually have anything!”

  “For the love of fuck,” Ted grunted, stepping up to face Ghulk. “I didn’t kill anyone! You all know Mire was already dead before I got here! I landed in his fucking blood!”

  “Blood you spilled, treacherous human!” Ghulk accused.

  “Do you realize how fucking insane that sounds?” Ted clenched his hands into fists. “Come on! You’re all super smart people-creatures! Most of you saw me fall! I didn’t do this!”

  “But you do admit to being romantically involved with the king?” Ghulk sneered.

  “Uh… that’s… well….” Ted stood up straight. “That’s none of your fuckin’ business.”

  “See?” Ghulk laughed, smacking his hooves on the floor. “He doesn’t deny it!”

  “Is this engagement thing fuckin’ legit?” Ted whirled around to face Grell. “Like, for real?”

  “Tiny bit,” Grell replied. “I certainly wasn’t going to enforce it—”

  “You asshole!” Ted barked. “I wouldn’t have helped you if I knew it meant I had to marry you!”

  Grell scowled.

  “You should have told me! ‘Oh, by the way, this means we’re gonna get married!’ See how fuckin’ easy that was?”

  “Eh,” Grell grunted. “I’m not sure I got it all. Could you do it one more time?”

  “Fuckin’ prick!” Ted bared his teeth. “You ever maybe think this is exactly why I wouldn’t wanna be your queen?”

  “You ever maybe think that you’re more attractive with your mouth shut?”

  “Uncalled for!” Kunst chimed in.

  “Fuck both of you!” Ted snarled, throwing his hands up.

  “I was trying to help!” Kunst protested.

  “Help less!”

  “This is ridiculous,” Ghulk yelled, stomping his hoof. “I demand justice to be carried out for my beloved Silas! I’ll never be able to hear her sweet voice or call out to her again!” He reared up at Ted. “Tedward of Aeon killed them both and then forced Humble Visseract to commit suicide! Let this be over!”

  “Call out?” Ted froze.

  “I always called out to my beloved!” Ghulk sneered. “Always!”

  “Holy fuck,” Ted gasped, his eyes wide and reaching out for Grell’s shoulder. “It’s him.”

  “What?” Grell blinked. “Him who?”

  “Ghulk!” Ted pointed. “He did it! He killed Silas! He always calls out to her! He has to let her know that he’s coming so she doesn’t attack!”

  “Shut up,” Ghulk warned. “You’re the murderer here! Not me!”

  “But not the last time!” Ted went on defiantly. “He didn’t call out to her when we went there about the bead because he knew she was already fuckin’ dead! And nobody except me fuckin’ talks to dead people around here!”

  “Shut up! Shut up!” Ghulk screamed. “Shut your wretched little mouth, human!”

  “Silence,” Grell roared at Ghulk, his tail lashing impatiently. He nodded at Ted, urging, “Keep going, love.”

  “You’re the third person Gronoch promised the tears to!” Ted exclaimed, his mind buzzing with excitement as all the pieces came together. “You got in good with him after you killed Mire, and you actually thought Silas was gonna be all on your weird horse dick, but she still loved him! She was gonna use her share of the tears to bring him back!

  “And oh, did that piss you off. You couldn’t stand the idea of her rejecting you! After everything you did for her? After loving her for so long? You just couldn’t take being trapped in the friend zone anymore! That’s why you killed her, and then you killed Visseract!”

  “No!” Ghulk shrieked. “Lies! Horrible lies! I would have no reason to kill Humble Visseract!”

  “Oh yeah?” Ted challenged. “But I bet your boss would, huh? Visseract was getting sloppy, sending his guys after me and Grell? You had to make it all go away, so you fuckin’ iced him and set it all up like a suicide. Hell, that’s why you smashed up all those tears, because your big god boss promised to give you some more and you assholes wanted us to close the case!”

  The guards were closing in around Ghulk, and he was shaking all over. His cloudy eyes began to leak milky fluid, and his hooves were clattering along the floor as he looked for an escape.

  “You’re a fucking murderer, dude!” Ted declared. “Not me! Case fucking dismissed!”

  “If you want to see your precious bones again, you’ll let me go!” Ghulk screamed frantically.

  “What?” Grell croaked.

  “Let me go, and I’ll tell you where the bones are!” Ghulk shrieked.

  “I know….” It was Graham, his little hand taking Ted’s and tugging. “I know where they are.”

  Ted squeezed back, scoffing without hesitation, “Fuck off, zombie-corn. You’re going down for this. We don’t need you.”

  “Tedward—” Grell began to growl.

  “Do you trust me?” Ted asked urgently.

  Grell’s golden eyes widened, uncertain, but he soon settled back down. “Yes, my queen,” he whispered softly. “With everything that I am.”

  Hearing those words sent a shiver through Ted that he would address later, and he turned back to Ghulk. “You’re done, dude.”

  Grell rose up from the throne, triumphantly declaring, “I hereby rule to convict Vizier Ghulk of these crimes and release the human prisoner! What says the court?”

  “Aye!” the crowd roared in reply, and the Asran guards descended upon Ghulk with unnatural speed to start dragging him away.

  Relief flooded over Ted. It was finally all over. He was a free man again, free to do as he pleased. He could sense that Grell was smiling at him, and he already had a pretty good idea of exactly what he wanted to
do.

  “No!” Ghulk screamed. “No! No, you will not get away with this! Gronoch will come for me! He will come for me, you’ll see! Once the gods have awakened Salgumel and taken Aeon, I will make sure they come back here for you, King Grell!”

  “Blah, blah, blah,” Grell jeered, swishing his tail with a short laugh. “The gods are more than welcome to try. I’ll be sure to send down a pack of Uno cards so you have something to do while you’re waiting for your little rescue. Enjoy rotting in a dungeon for the rest of eternity.”

  The crowd laughed and cheered, tentacles and claws waving as Ghulk was forcibly removed from the court.

  “Now,” Grell said, turning to Ted, “someone said something about trusting them regarding the earthly remains of my most precious loved ones?”

  “Yeah,” Ted said, giving Graham’s hand a little squeeze. “I’ve got this.”

  “Court’s dismissed!” Grell commanded.

  “Uh, Your Highness?” Kunst sounded like he was cringing. “Though congratulations are due for winning Ted’s freedom and solving the case, there’s still the matter of the engagement to settle?”

  The dispersing court began to crowd around the throne again, all of their eyes eagerly watching them.

  “Shut up, bubble boy,” Ted said with a grunt, his cheeks heating up fast.

  “The engagement has been offered,” Kunst said stubbornly. “Technically, though you’ve already accepted it by assisting Grell with the entombment, you have to give a formal answer to the court—”

  “He has until the next full moon to give a formal answer, twat,” Grell snapped. “Let it go.” He shook his head at the members of court. “Shove off, you gossip-gobbling slags! We’ve got some very important business to attend to!”

  Through portals or magical doorways, everyone left the court until only Grell, Ted, and Kunst remained.

  Well, and Graham, of course.

  “We need to go,” Graham urged, pulling Ted forward.

  Ted stumbled, letting Graham guide him around the throne to the back of the platform it sat upon. “Where are we going?”

  “Right here!” Graham appeared, his little hands pointing down to the floor. “Here!”