by K. T. Castle
After some more dancing and calorie-burning, I needed a restroom break. I excused myself from my friends and walked around the bar to where I assumed the restrooms were located. I only found Denise and Edward in what sounded like an argument.
“We’ve been through this before, Denise,” Edward said to her. “I don’t want any extra expenses.”
“I did everything possible to avoid it, Eddie, but unfortunately there are situations when it’s not that easy.” She seemed really ashamed of the situation, but despite her apologies, Edward was clearly unhappy.
“It is easy. You simply say no.”
“To Laura’s parents?”
“To anyone,” the groom said, folding his arms.
“Well, I can’t deny them anything,” Denise confessed.
“Then you’re useless.”
I really didn’t understand why Edward complained so much about money. It wasn’t like he didn’t have any. Then again, I guess he wouldn’t have such a large sum if he spent it carelessly.
“The whole idea of having you help with the wedding was so Laura would feel more at ease and so you could earn some extra money to afford the trip. At the moment, I only see the downside of me investing more money in all this. I should have kept Kassandra planning the whole thing herself. You obviously don’t have what it takes to do all this on your own.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. Ed was being completely unreasonable with Denise, and someone had to stop him. I probably should have told someone else to save myself from what was coming.
“Don’t talk to her like that, Edward. You need to apologize.” I surprised both of them when I spoke up. “Denise has done all in her power to give Laura everything she wants. If there’s an issue with your budget, you’re the one who needs to speak with her about it.”
“This isn’t about you, Kassandra.” As expected, Edward couldn’t care less about my perception of their argument.
What really surprised me, though, was that Denise seemed far more upset by my abrupt interference. “Kassie, it’s okay,” she said. “Eddie and I had an agreement on the budget, and I took it to the limit. He has a right to be upset about it, and I take responsibility for making it right.”
Why did this girl feel it was okay to take crap from anyone, her husband included? Clay should be the one here defending her and asking for Edward to at least show some respect.
“He knows perfectly well how much money weddings cost, Denise,” I told her. “He needs to give you a break, here. We both know how hard this kind of planning is.”
Edward snorted. It was totally unattractive of him. “She’s certainly getting more than fair treatment from me as a friend of my fiancé. I’m paying for all of her and her husband’s expenses, and because of that arrangement, Denise guaranteed me that she would minimize the bachelorette and rehearsal party expenses. She would keep Laura happy and respect the budget.”
I couldn’t really tell if that was a good deal or not. It was certainly good that Denise and Clay got to join us as a result of the bargain, but at what cost? Denise seemed mortified that I’d overheard their conversation—were things so tight that she thought putting up with Laura and Edward just to come to the wedding in the first place would be worth it?
“He’s right, Kassie. Don’t worry. I’ll solve it with him.” She seemed focused on reassuring me that they would indeed figure it out. However I couldn't get my head around it.
“See? I know she’s not as worthless as her husband,” Edward added.
That did it. It was one thing for us, Denise’s friends, to worry and comment about her and Clay’s situation. But what gave this pompous asshole the right to voice his observations out loud?
“Edward, do you have no respect for anyone?” I shouted.
“How is it disrespectful to voice exactly what I think of her husband? What you all think of him?” Edward snarled back at me. “I’m only being honest.”
“You’re being an ass,” I replied.
I was completely losing it. As usual, Edward’s words just got under my skin more than they should have, and I knew I’d overreacted. The worst part was that he’d just made us all look like hypocrites—we did talk about Clay behind Denise’s back, and Edward had been the honest one in saying what he thought out loud.
“Kass, what’s going on?” Josh ran his hand up and down my arm as he stepped up behind me, trying to calm me down.
“Your friend’s giving Denise hell over his stupid budget,” I replied. This wasn’t the first time Edward complained about the money invested in his wedding, and I really didn’t feel like mincing words. That time, though, Josh had been the one defending me against Edward’s ridiculous claims. “I’m only asking you, Edward, to treat people with dignity. What you pay for or not isn’t my concern, but how you treat Laura’s friends definitely is. You like overstepping people’s boundaries and humiliating them, and I don’t want to stand by and watch it.”
“Stop talking like you know me, Kassandra,” Edward barked back.
“Oh, I certainly don’t know you,” I agreed. “And I don’t want to. I just hope Laura knows who the hell she’s marrying.”
“Calm down, Kass.” I felt Josh beside me, doing his best to stop the uncomfortable altercation—he pretty much knew the main highlights between Edward and I at this point. I’d spoken with him about wanting to confess everything to Laura, too, but I’d just never found the right time. “This isn’t the place or the time for this argument,” he added, and he was definitely right.
“I don’t care, Josh,” I told him, even though I still faced Edward. “My conversation with Laura is long overdue. It’s time I told her who Edward really is.”
“Well, you can shove your warning elsewhere, Kassandra,” came Laura’s voice from behind me. “I don’t want it or need it. And I’m tired of you acting like everything’s about you.” She obviously had no idea what was going on, and the fact that her first reaction would be to assume I just wanted all the attention just shattered any intention I’d had of leaving this alone.
“I’m sorry, Laura,” I said, knowing full well that I’d turned this into a spectacle now. “I have to tell you what a terrible human being you’re marrying.”
“To tell me what, Kassie?” She raised one of her well-maintained eyebrows and folded her arms. “That you had a relationship with him and never told me about it, or that he abused you and forced you to do things you didn’t want? Like that threesome you always regretted?”
No, I hadn’t expected that at all, and I just stood there, dumbfounded. I didn’t know Laura had that information; I’d never given her any of the specifics. I was too embarrassed about them. She hadn’t covered the complete story, but she certainly hit the main highlights.
“Come on, Kass,” Josh begged. “You said what’s on your mind. Let’s stop this, calm down, and talk about it later when we’re all thinking a little bit clearer.”
“What are you afraid of, anyway?” Laura asked, folding her arms. “Are you such a prude that you can’t conceive of the idea that I like kinky stuff? Or are you just so envious that you can’t accept I’ve finally found love? That Edward loves me, and that I get to enjoy everything he gives me? We have an open relationship, and we like having fun. What’s wrong with that, Kassandra?”
I wasn’t surprised that she sided with Eddie—they were getting married, after all—but I’d never expected her to attack me in his defense.
“Nothing,” I answered. “There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re right.”
“Great!” Josh rapidly interjected. “Now that everything’s settled, let’s call it a night.” He kindly placed his arm around my shoulders and turned me toward our room. “Let’s leave, babe.”
“Laura,” I added, turning around and pleading with her one final time. I couldn’t let this go; I had to say my peace and make sure she understood me. “I’m not saying that I’m better than anyone. I just believe that you deserve someone better than him.”
�
��Someone like who? Like Josh?” Laura asked with blatant sarcasm. “Oh, honey.” The words came out far more than condescending and tinged with anger. “Who do you think we’ve been having threeways with?”
Time stopped.
“Fuck,” Josh exhaled frustratedly beside me.
Surprisingly, Edward interfered in an unexpected way. “Laura, you’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“Kass, babe, we need to go.” I heard Josh calling me, but I didn’t hear him deny any of it. “Let’s talk about this.”
I couldn’t move as I felt my heart shatter into hundreds of little pieces.
“Why?” Laura had apparently turned on her future husband now, too. “She wants to tell me about her secret past, but I can’t do the same? I don’t think so.”
I knew this was all my fault; I’d pushed Laura until she felt the only way to get back at me for questioning her relationship was to expose mine. She’d acted defensively, I was caught completely off guard.
I stared at the floor and tried to find a way to get air inside my lungs. They burned. I saw Josh’s shoes in front of me and felt his hands grab my arms. I could even feel him trying to reach my gaze with his own.
I didn’t want to look at him.
I didn’t want his hands on me.
“Don’t touch me,” I said as I stepped back and placed an arm to distance myself from him. “I can’t breathe.” I walked away from the hotel and toward the beach. I needed to process the information. I needed to be alone.
As I headed toward exile, I could feel I wasn’t alone.
“Don’t follow me,” I told whoever it was.
“Babe, let me—”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Kass,” Josh tried again, “let me explain. It’s not what you think.”
So then, let’s look for the answers which would destroy me completely, shall we?
“So you didn’t sleep with her? You never had a threesome with them?” The only thing I needed was for Josh to tell me none of that happened. He didn’t sleep with them. He never touched Laura. He was only interested with me.
But he didn’t say anything and I wanted to die.
“This conversation is over,” I said. I knew enough now. I didn't need more information.
I didn’t need to know that he’d touched my best friend. I certainly didn’t want to know that he had enjoyed it. Most of all, I didn’t need to know that I wasn’t enough for him.
“We need to talk. It’s not a big deal,” he pleaded.
“It’s a big deal for me.” I turned on him with my fists clenched. “Remember why I didn’t want to have a relationship with you in the first place? Because of shit like this.”
I couldn’t do it. Not even for him.
“Because I have a past or because I slept with your friend?” Josh asked, the hurt beneath his words ringing loud and clear. “‘Cause, babe, I believe you’ve been in both situations yourself.”
He was right. I was being a hypocrite. I had also slept with his best friend, had done plenty of things without him, and we both knew it.
“Why didn’t you tell me about it?” Josh had known my history with Edward before we even hooked up, and I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t returned the honesty.
“Because I didn’t want this to happen.” I heard the genuine regret in his voice, but it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough.
“I should have listened to my gut since the beginning. Save us all a headache. Good night, Josh.” I wanted to end this. I wanted this terrible night to end so I could just move on with my life.
“This is what you wanted all along. Right, Kass?” he said, and I stopped walking.
“What?” I asked, incredulous, as I turned to face him. “Do you think I wanted you to sleep with my best friend?”
“No,” Josh explained. “You wanted a fucking reason to end our relationship. You wanted to prove that you were right all along and that I’m not good enough for you. You wanted to end us before we even started.”
“No, that’s not it at all.”
“Well, it doesn’t feel like that.” Josh exhaled and stepped toward me. “Look, Kass. I know that I’m a shithead. You’ve called me a womanizer since we met each other and you’re right. I used to get around, and I didn’t really care that much about who I hurt.” I could hear nothing but frankness in his words. “I like girls and I like having sex with them. I also like experimentation and I’ve had experiences in more kinds of fucked up situations and places, and with more people, than I’m willing to admit to you. Not because I’m ashamed of who I am or what I’ve done, but because I’m afraid you’ll judge me and leave me. Like you are right now.”
Josh combed his fingers through his hair, then dropped his arms to his sides. “I’m not afraid to talk about my fucked-up past, if you want to hear about it. Some stories are plain-ass stupid, some might even be funny. What I’m really afraid of is losing you. I love you, Kass.”
Honestly, it hurt a little that he’d choose to say those words for the first time now, in a situation like this. I was confused; I didn’t know what he was trying to achieve by saying all this. My head had gone into complete overload with all that information.
“I never thought I would fall in love,” he continued. “I never thought I would leave behind all the crazy shit the world has to offer. But I don’t care about them. I care about you. And I would do anything life has to offer as long as I do it with and for you.”
I was speechless and didn’t know what to do anymore. My first instinct told me to run away and try to digest everything that had just happened. Now, I also had to deal with all this new information from Josh.
Apparently, he wasn’t finished. “I know you have reservations when it comes to certain aspects of life. I’m aware of them, or at least some of them. You’ve been clear enough. You’ve placed your boundaries, and I’m doing my fucking best to respect them.”
I was unmovable and untouchable before him. I didn’t want to listen to him, not at the moment. We stood together, both hurting and completely unable to meet each other in the same place.
This had to stop.
“But I can’t do it alone, Kass. If you’re unwilling to try, unwilling to give us a shot, I can’t do it anymore.”
I really didn’t want to look at him and find the disapproval I was so used to staring back at me. I could hear it in his voice. I wasn’t enough.
“I see where you stand. I wanted to let you know where I stood,” he said as closure. “You want me gone, I’ll grant you your wish. I’ll be out of our room as soon as I can and let you be.”
He didn’t reach for me again.
He left me there, standing alone on the white sand, under the starry night, surrounded by the cool breeze. I had finally obtained what I had asked for.
I was left alone.
~*~
How did everything get so messed up?
I had a really difficult time putting my brain back together as I sat on the beach. Everything that had happened. Everything I’d learned.
Even more difficult was realizing that I was still the only one to blame for everything.
Why did I have to meddle in other people’s affairs?
Why did I feel such an urge to interfere with Edward and Denise’s private conversation?
Why did I have to suddenly come ‘clean’ to Laura—just to find out that she’d known all along? My confession had only made matters worse.
I messed up. Big time.
I couldn’t believe I had to be the one to start a public confrontation like that in the middle of Laura’s celebration. I’d added another check on the Bridezillas Checklist:
Bridezilla Checklist
☑ Enslaved bridesmaids
☑ Money woes
☑ Attire Backfire
☑ Cat fight
Never did I imagine it would be me.
Then again, since it was Edward marrying my best friend, if I look at it just right, it
would only seem natural. Just not like this.
Laura hadn’t hesitated at all to remind me how unsuccessful I was with the men in my world—in a very open way, culminating this wedding ordeal with a magnificent, imaginary bitch-slap. She’d even picked up on the fact that, yes, sometimes I wish my life could be as wonderful as hers seemed to be. That effectively checked the final item on our checklist.
Bridezilla Checklist
☑ Enslaved bridesmaids
☑ Money woes
☑ Attire Backfire
☑ Cat fight
☑ Green with envy
Green with envy.
What did that even mean?
I certainly didn’t want what Laura had specifically—her possessions or her life—and certainly not Eddy. The wedding, even, and everything it represented…I wasn’t envious of that. It wasn’t as if I wanted such a glamorous wedding, but if I did, I certainly had the means to do it. If I ever found the right man to marry.
I was jealous of her relationship, of how she’d found a love which fulfilled her enough to make her settle. A love which made her see ‘forever’ with someone. I had to be honest with myself—I envied Laura for having found the love of her life.
It was silly of me to believe that I would ever find anything of the sort.
The only person that I have allowed myself to have a relationship with walked away from me. I had pushed Josh away, over and over, until I actually was successful and he’d left. He’d said I always judged him. I didn’t want to admit it, but he was absolutely right.
From the first few hours that we knew each other I labeled him as a Casanova and nothing else. I never gave him the chance to really prove me wrong, like I was digging for the perfect excuse not to let him into my heart at all.
Sure, he had his share of women and his own experiences, some were more colorful than mine. But he’d put all that aside, taking a major leap of faith in me. Risking his heart to be with me.
And there I was, making a disaster out of the whole thing.
I couldn’t blame him for walking away from me. Especially when I asked for it.
Everything was even worse because he had admitted his love for me. He’d just said it, and I couldn’t get the echo of those words out of my mind.
