by K. T. Castle
He’d said he didn’t want to keep fighting so hard to be with me anymore if I wasn’t ready to let him in. I didn’t blame him, but God, just the thought of a life without Josh hurt more than I ever expected.
Because I was in love with Josh.
The moment that thought formed in my head, I jumped from my seat on the salty sand. “What the hell am I doing here?” I mumbled.
I had to find him. I had to tell him. I was in love with him, too.
Chapter 19
No matter where I looked, I couldn’t find Josh. The first place I visited after my revelation at the beach was our hotel room. He wasn’t there.
I tried his cell phone without success, only reaching his voicemail. I left several messages, none of which he returned. Then I returned to the restaurant where the disastrous rehearsal dinner took place. Nothing. It occurred to me that Josh probably went to the hotel lobby and asked for another room. But due to guest privacy policies, no one could give me any kind of information when I asked.
It also occurred to me that maybe Josh had specifically asked the receptionist not to give me that information. However, after the petite brunette manning the hotel’s front desk during the night shift saw tears welling in my eyes, she decided to tell me ‘off the record’ that Josh hadn’t asked for another room and, therefore, was probably crashing with a friend.
I thanked her with all my heart.
So, I sent messages to all my friends except Laura, asking if they knew anything about where Josh had gone. No one could tell me anything. Natalie and Andrik even offered to help me out, but I told them I looked everywhere without success.
At that point, I was sure he was hiding from me. I couldn’t blame him.
As I sat in the hotel’s lobby, Andrik found me. He decided to help me out, regardless of my refusing his help. “I looked everywhere I could think of and couldn't find him,” he informed me, surprising me with his concern for my situation.
“Thank you, Andrik.” I wasn’t very responsive; this kind of physical and mental exhaustion hindered any show of emotional reaction whatsoever. “You didn’t have to.”
“I did find Clay,” Andrik said, as if the information represented any kind of hope for me. “He told me Josh was drinking at the hotel’s bar not so long ago, probably a little more than an hour ago.” Which was around the time I’d started to search for him. I probably missed him just by a couple minutes. “Clay also said Josh had his suitcase with him.” Oh, God. That wasn’t good at all. What if he’d left? “He was also completely wasted,” Andrik finished.
So, Josh had left and I missed him. Shit.
I was sure Andrik saw the pain and hurt on my face, and he was even more hopeful than I. “I don’t think Josh left, Kassie. He was drunk, and Clay told me that one of the waitresses helped him out of the bar. Plus, I checked the departures from the island, and there isn’t anything back to L.A. until after midday tomorrow. Or today, I should say. The first boat back to the mainland leaves at 8:00 a.m.” Yep, Andrik was definitely hopeful. “It means he’s here,” he added reassuringly.
It sounded as if Josh was here indeed, although I didn’t know where.
“Besides, Josh is here because his best friend is getting married,” Andrik continued. “He’s the Best Man. Do you think he’d ditch the wedding and leave Edward standing alone at the altar?”
I didn’t know the answer to that question, but I did know I wouldn’t ditch Laura, even thought I certainly didn’t deserve to stand next to her on her wedding day.
My best friend’s husband put a kind hand on my arm. “Think about it, Kassie. If it were you, where would you go?”
Easy answer—I’d be with my friends. Which was exactly what the hotel’s hostess tried to tell me, now that I thought about it. I took the chance on deciding both she and Andrik were probably right. Problem was, the only friend here Josh might reach out to would be… “Edward,” I said.
“Exactly.” Apparently, Andrik had been well aware of his own efforts to herd me toward the right answer. “Do you want me to give him a call?”
“No, thanks. I’ll do it on my own,” I answered. “I think it might be better if I go there personally.”
“I’ll go with you,” he said, rising from the seat next to me.
“Thank you, Andrik. Thank you for everything. But really, I think I should do this on my own.”
I thankfully kissed Andrik’s cheek and made my way to Edward’s bungalow. I was really thankful that he and Laura had decided to go the traditional route and were sleeping in separate quarters until their wedding night.
A few minutes after 4:00 a.m., I reached his room and tapped out a knock. Eddie opened the door quicker than I expected, as if he’d been waiting for me.
He was shirtless and wearing only his pajama pants. It didn’t take me long to notice the cell phone in his hand, and his surprised and a little haggard expression made me think he already knew most of what was going on.
“Kassandra, come in,” he said as he stepped aside for me to enter.
“I’m sorry to bother you, Edward. But I’m sure you know I’ve been looking for Josh. I was…hoping you knew where he is.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know,” my friend’s fiancé replied. “I could give him a call. Do you want to wait and see if he answers his phone?”
If Josh was avoiding my calls, he might not do the same with Edward’s. So I nodded and waited next to the door for Ed to make the call.
At this point, all I wanted to know was that Josh was okay. I didn’t care if he didn’t want to talk to me, but I needed to know he was somewhere here on the island, in the hotel, and nothing bad happened to him. Or anything worse than his night had already been.
“Shit, voicemail,” Edward said to me as he exhaled and then left his message. “Josh, man, we’re looking for you. Where are you? Get your head out of your ass and let us know. I have your woman here with me, and she’s all sorts of worried about you. I’m also expecting to see you tomorrow next to me at the end of that aisle. Don’t you pussy out on me!”
I inhaled deeply. I didn’t know what it meant that Josh didn’t answer his phone call, but I hoped for the best.
“Well, I guess that’s it,” I said. “Please, let me know if you hear anything from him. I’ll be at the hotel’s lobby to see if he takes the first boat back to mainland.” I let myself out of Ed’s room. I didn’t need directions or him to bother to be polite to me.
“Wait, Kassandra.” Edward quickly grabbed my arm and pulled me back inside his room, closing the door behind us. “I…I want to apologize.”
“I don’t understand.” I was so tired and could barely function.
“Yes you do,” Edward tried to explain. “And I don’t only mean about last night.”
“I’m not following.” I really wanted to understand and leave the room to follow the next part of my plan, but to achieve it I needed Ed to spell it out for me. My head was an absolute mess.
“When we were together, you were everything I ever wanted.”
I realized suddenly that this was a conversation long overdue. Even though it definitely wasn’t the best moment to bring this up, I could only be fair and listen to what my ex had to say after all the mess I’d made lately.
“You’ve always been beautiful, and smart, and have one of the most amazing bodies. Not only that, but you were sweet and so devoted to our relationship.” His breathing was really slow and comforting at first, but as his monologue advanced, Ed seemed anything but relaxed. “I’ve always been a spoiled son of a bitch,” he continued. “I can’t tell for sure why I always wanted things, persons, to represent a challenge, a risk, an adventure to get me excited and interested in anything and everything I feel I need.”
I listened attentively as I leaned against the room’s entrance wall. I honestly was having a difficult time believing what my ears picked up. I’d waited so long for Edward to say something like this to me, and now that I listened to his apology, I couldn't avo
id feeling as if I was dreaming.
“I knew I was pushing you too far too fast,” he said, his brows drawn in a heavy line of regret. “I knew you weren’t cut out for the kind of relationship I wanted to have, but I thought that if I showed you—if I convinced you to try it out—I’d change your mind. After all, what was there not to like?” He chuckled, apparently finding that revelation amusing in some way.
His eyes remained on me, measuring my reaction. My ex-boyfriend gave a few steps back and forth, waved his hands to emphasize his speech, but mostly he just stood remarkably close to me. He even tried to reach for my hand but stopped himself midway.
“To be honest, I was impressed that you even allowed me to take you as far as you did. Don’t get me wrong, I had no desire to lose you under any circumstances.” It was then that he finally took my hand in his, and we were now as close as two people could get without their bodies touching each other. “And the more you tried new stuff for me, the more I convinced myself that I could mold you to what I yearned. I really, really, wanted you to accept everything I laid out before you.”
I sighed, blinking slowly to refocus on his face. I barely registered his hold on my hand.
“I’m sorry I did,” Eddie said, taking my hand in both of his now. “I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m sorry because I changed you in a way you didn’t want or deserved. And I’m mostly sorry because, in the end, I lost you.” As he said the last sentence, Edward made the space between us nonexistent and kissed my cheek.
My head spun with all the beautiful words he’d just presented. “Wait, what?” I asked, completely confused as I placed my lonely hand on his chest and lightly pushed him back.
“Oh, God!” Ed gave a little jump backwards and explained. “Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m so fucking grateful I finally found the woman to stand by all my crazy shit. I can be thankful enough that Laura is in my life now.” Edward walked backward until he sat in one of the high-backed chairs. I followed suit. “I…fuck. I always knew an apology was way overdue.”
I didn’t know what to say. Honestly.
I knew I should say something. After all, it takes two to tango. I finally accepted that, yes, Edward might have pushed me way past my own boundaries when we were together, but at the end of the day, I’d been the one who had accepted the requests. I’d been the one who decided to resent those decisions for a good part of my life. My happiness had always been in my own hands—my own choice.
“You see,” Ed interrupted as my brain decided to join the conversation, “Josh’s been asking me questions about you. About how you were back then… He hasn’t said anything, but I know by his expressions that you’ve changed. Honestly, it can be a lot of different things. I guess we’re all grownups now and shit. I guess it wasn’t necessarily me, but when it comes down to relationships, I’ve been told I really messed you up.”
I could feel heat spreading all over my body. I regretted so much the way I’d decided to behave after my relationship with Edward, and now I found it embarrassing—childish.
“Oh, shit. No.” He felt the need to clarify once more, probably confusing my blush with anger. “What we talked about isn’t anything sexual. God, no. Josh would definitely kick the memories out of my brain if he could, even worse if I ever decided to go deep and purposeful that way. It's mainly about the way you act or react to certain things. He wanted to know, only with the best intentions.”
I definitely didn’t see Josh going to Edward for sexual advice, especially if the topic turned to my past relationship with Edward. Josh had mentioned a couple times how he wasn’t crazy about Edward and I having a history, but he’d told me he’d accepted. It had brought he and I together.
“I feel like I’m just babbling right now.” Edward stood up and came close to me once more. Holding both of my hands, he said, “To sum it up, I’m sorry. I really hope you and Josh can be happy together.”
I didn’t think he’d intended for his words to make me sick. I’d momentarily been distracted by his words, his sweeping apology, but the moment he mentioned Josh again, I remembered with full force how royally I’d screwed that up. I tightened my hold on his hands.
“I see how you’ve been around him, and I see both of you happy,” he said. Then he let my hands go and stepped in for a hug. “I’m fucking glad.”
“I don’t think I’m good enough for him either,” I whispered against his ear, voicing my worst fear.
Edward held me at arm's length and looked directly to my eyes. “Kassandra, you’ve gotta be shitting me. Even worse, yourself. Josh is crazy about you,” he continued. “Lately, all his conversations start and finish with your name. He talks as if you were the most precious thing in the world, as if you walked on water or some shit like that.” He laughed a little. “If it wasn’t for Laura in my life, which helps me relate to his feelings, I would assume Josh had completely lost it.”
If we both were going for honesty, I supposed I had to seize the moment, and my following comment wouldn’t hurt much. “The thing is, I don’t know if I can make him a hundred percent happy. I’m not as audacious in private as you and Laura.”
“Hey.” Edward narrowed his eyes at me. “Has Josh asked you for anything you didn’t wanna do?”
I answered quickly and without a doubt. “No, not really.”
“Then, there’s your answer.”
It couldn't be that simple, could it? God only knew I would like to forget the knowledge that both Josh and Edward shared certain preferences in the bedroom. “I’m afraid I’ll run away from him if he asks me to be that bold.”
“We’re not the same, Kassandra. Josh isn’t me,” Edward said. I was grateful I didn’t have to spell it out for him; he knew what I was talking about. Thank God, because finding even this level of reassurance from him was the last thing I’d expected. “Sure, he likes kinky shit, but I don’t think he needs it the way I do.”
I just frowned at him and bit my lip.
“Look,” he continued, “I know you’re cautious with your heart and your body. I completely get it now. The only way to know what Josh wants is to ask him, and if you don’t give him a shot, give yourselves a shot… Well, are you ready to let go of him?”
“No,” I said without hesitation.
“Well, if that’s not good enough for him, he’s a complete asshole. Just like me.” Edward folded his arms and smiled at me.
“Thanks, Edward.” He would never know exactly how much his words helped me understand—more than that, how they helped me heal.
“What for?”
“For finally accepting that you’re an asshole.”
I smiled too as I gave him one last glance before running to the hotel’s lobby. There, I waited for Josh to come back into my life.
~*~
After waiting for hours, I inevitably fell asleep in the white wicker couches adorning the hotel’s entrance. My petite receptionist friend woke me when her shift ended and the eight o’clock transportation to mainland was about to leave. Josh wasn’t there, either.
I wanted to stay hopeful that he was here somewhere and had decided to stay for the wedding. If that was the case, I’d at least see him there—at Laura and Edward’s wedding and the reception.
The mass would be held at 6:00 p.m. on the beach. I had around ten hours to do everything included in my personal ‘fix this trip’ checklist. First was getting a shower and some coffee. In that order.
After I got ready for the day, choosing comfortable clothes and shoes, I went to the main breakfast restaurant and ordered to-go coffee—the black miracle which would be my first peace offering. Then I headed off to find Laura. I had to fix things with her.
After knocking on her door for a few minutes, I figured she was still asleep, and it didn’t surprise me. It was still early, and I believed the appointment with the beauty staff, which would make her absolutely perfect for her wedding, was more than an hour away.
Almost in slow motion, the door opened, and I heard her say,
“You’re early.”
Apparently, she thought I was the glamour squad, but I wasn’t letting go of the opportunity. As soon as I could react, I placed the coffee before her and said, “Laura, I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, it’s you.” Her tone was as cold as I’d expected.
“Yep. I brought you a latte.”
She took the celestial lure from my hands and gave it a sip, then told me, “Coffee’s not going to make everything magically go away.”
“I know, but it’s a start.”
“It is.” At least she agreed with me.
“I came to apologize,” I said in the sweetest voice I could manage.
“I figured.” She took a sip. “You made a disgrace of yourself last night, not to mention how you judged Eddie and me for the way we handle our relationship.”
“You’re right, and I’m sorry about that,” I said. Sorrier than I could explain. “But that’s not what I came here to apologize for.”
“What do you mean?” She’d obviously expected me to express my regret over my actions last night and nothing else.
“I wanted to tell you that you were right. I’ve been jealous of you,” I confessed as I walked behind her to her suite’s living room. “Of your relationship with Edward. I’m envious of what you have with him. You guys complement each other in a way I can’t even explain. You’re perfect for each other.”
Laura dramatically exhaled as she sat on one of the puffy white couches. “Well then, I guess I accept your apology,” she said, smiling in affection for me and a little bit of personal victory.
I knew my friend well; I’d just made her feel sensational. “It still doesn’t mean I’m down for all the super kinky stuff.” We both laughed, and it was such a relief that we could joke about it.
“Don’t worry,” Laura added. “Not everyone is as evolved.”
“I guess so,” I conceded. “I’m sorry about judging you, too. I’ll grow to accept it…just spare me all the dirty details.”
“Deal,” she said, offering her hand. I shook it, and then she pulled me towards her for a hug and a kiss. I laughed in relief. I’d won my friend back.
