Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel

by Jennifer Miller

  I don’t know where any of this is coming from. It’s confusing as hell. I vowed I would never do this again. I don’t want to get my heart involved with anyone – ever. I never wanted to allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone ever again either, but right now, all the reasons and excuses seem to fade, and all I see is her - and I see what could be.

  “What if I can prove your wrong?”

  His face is serious – there’s not a lick of humor on it anywhere. No amusement in his eyes, no flicker of a smile on his lips. “What do you mean? Prove me wrong how?”

  He opens his mouth to speak, but before he can, we’re interrupted. “We understand you’re celebrating a birthday!” Our waitress is at our table once again and her appearance is so abrupt I jump in my seat. When I notice she’s not alone, I’m confused until her words register and I see the candle lit dessert in her hands. One of them places a large item next to the table, while another hands me a large cowboy hat.

  With them all staring at me expectantly, I look at Ryder. Amusement colors his face now as he takes in my no doubt panicked expression. He nods and winks, “Yep, that’s right. This is the birthday girl!” I narrow my eyes at him and his smile only grows, not caring about my ire one bit.

  “What’s your name?” the waitress asks.

  “Tessa,” I tell her softly.

  “What was that?” she asks louder and holy hell her voice is booming.

  “Tessa,” I say louder.

  To my horror she turns to the diners surrounding us at the other tables and yells louder still, “TESSA is celebrating her…” she looks to me. I only then realize she is also entreating those dining inside, so is ensuring that she projects through the window and door.

  “Um, I’m twenty-five.”

  “HER TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY!” she yells. Some people ignore them, although I don’t know how, and a few good sports clap. The wait staff cheers and claps and I have to confess I’m a bit impressed with their enthusiasm. “Come on Tessa, climb on up,” our waitress instructs as she pats the item sitting next to the table. Upon closer inspection, I realize the item is a large riding saddle sitting atop a pedestal. She wants me to sit on it? No. Way. I look at Ryder first and see he’s still smiling. Okay, then, no help there. “Um, no that’s okay,” I say to her, “may not work well with what I am wearing.”

  “Oh come on! We have fun with birthdays around here! EVERYONE, let’s cheer for Tessa and get her on the saddle.”

  I really don’t know who I want to kill more at this point – her or Ryder. It really is a toss up. As I stand, I glance at Ryder again and mouth, “So. Dead.” He chuckles and adds, “Come on Tessa, climb on up! You can just sit side saddle!” He’s so dead.

  Getting out of my seat, I look Ryder straight in the eye as I throw my hair over my shoulder. My dress is long and I could sit sidesaddle, but if he wants a show, I’ll give him one. Slowly, little by little, I lift the long skirt of my dress, revealing inch after inch of leg. Glancing at Ryder, I see his eyes fixed to the skin I’m exposing and he swallows hard. As if just realizing others are also getting an eyeful, he looks up and catches a waiter staring too and his eyes narrow dangerously. Serves him right. Guess he didn’t think this through. Carefully, I straddle the damn thing, being sure not to flash everyone my goods in the process. Gathering my skirt in front of me, Ryder’s eyes are once again locked on my exposed leg on his side. When he finally looks me in my face again, I bite my lip seductively and wink. “Yee-haw,” I say making him throw back his head in laughter.

  They take the hat that I set on the table while I gathered my skirt up and place it on my head. It smells like wet straw, which grosses me out and I wonder about all the people that have worn it before me. After the staff all huddle for a moment, they turn to me and as one begin to sing.

  “Happy, Happy, Birthday, three cheers from us to you! Don’t worry you sexy cowgirl, you don’t look more than twenty-two! HEY!”

  As if this humiliation isn’t enough, someone yells out, “Smile!” When I follow the sound, someone is holding up a Polaroid camera. At this point I think, what the hell? Striking a pose and what I know is an overdone smile, I make sure to glam it up, making Ryder laugh once more. Truth is, I find I like making him do that. Even if he is digging his grave deeper and deeper with his constant laughing at me.

  They hand me the photo and nicely help me off of the saddle. I’m careful, keeping my dress down, and then finally let it fall back to my feet as I stand. I hear the band singing happy birthday in the background and turn to wave them thanks. As they all disperse, I sit back in my seat and blow out the candle on my dessert. Ryder is still smiling happily, so I give him the stink eye. “This was so not funny.”

  He leans forward and snatches the printed photo from my fingers. “I’ll take that.”

  “Hey!”

  He blows on it, trying to bring the image into focus faster. “And that is why I told them it’s your birthday. Because there is no way I was going to pass up the opportunity to watch that show, and to get this.” He faces the picture toward me and I have to admit, it’s pretty awesome. Awesomely embarrassing.

  As he chuckles at my frown, he tries to take a piece of my cake. I stab at his fork, “Nope. Not on your life, buddy. I earned this.” He laughs and it makes me giggle too. This is fun, and I like him. A lot. I take in his amused smile, the way he’s looking at the picture and something inside of me softens. Just a little. Quickly on its heels is nervousness at the feelings he evokes. I push them aside and get back to the conversation we were having before we were interrupted. “So, before our fake birthday party, I believe you mentioned something about proving me wrong?”

  He puts the picture down and watches me take another bite of cake. “Yes. I propose a challenge.”

  “A challenge?”

  “Yep. I want to prove to you that not all guys only want sex when they’re interested in someone.”

  “And how can you do that?”

  “By telling you that for one month I can keep my dick to myself with the goal of getting to know you outside of the bedroom first. No sex.”

  “No sex for only one month? You think you’ll learn everything there is to know about me by then?”

  “Well first of all, I’m not a fucking saint, Tessa,” he laughs. “I mean, you’re hot, I’m incredibly attracted to you and…”

  “And?” I ask feeling shivers all over my body at the look on his face. He’s running his tongue along his bottle top and his eyes are on my chest and slowly moving up.

  “And…I remember absolutely every single detail of being with you.” Based on the flare and widening of his eyes with his words, I’d bet a million dollars I don’t have that he’s picturing me naked right now.

  “I’m attracted to you too,” I say not willing to tell him that I remember being with him too. Every. Detail.

  “Obviously,” he remarks with pure cockiness and it’s sexy as hell. “Look,” he begins, “when I found out that you work at the hospital, I tried to come up with an excuse to show up again. I was just lucky when Levi got hurt and good fortune smiled down at me. Then, I showed up at the house to help for a reason.”

  “Which is?”

  “I want to get to know you – the real you. I want to explore whatever this is between us. Does that mean that I’m ruling out hot sex in our future? Hell no. That’s not it at all. I’m not going to lie about that, truth is, I totally want to get you naked, but…” He looks out into the distance before looking back at me again, seriousness crossing his face once more. I stay silent, waiting for him to continue. “Fuck. I don’t usually talk about feelings and shit but you,” he sighs, “there’s something about you that turns me into this unrecognizable guy. I’m feeling things, thinking things, and wanting things that I haven’t in a long time.”

  I’m wondering what possessed him to say that. I can feel myself withdraw a little in fear at his comment. I’m scared to let someone into my life the way he’s suggesting he wants to be. An
d he notices.

  “Look, I’m not going to lie to you,” he begins. “I haven’t had a relationship in a long time. Fact is, the way you approached me in the bar? You’re right; I’m no stranger to that. In fact, it’s my MO and I think it’s in part what drew me to you. You treated me the exact same way I treat women. Fuck and run, nothing more. And when you did that? You managed to do something no one has in a long time.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You got my attention. But there’s more to it than that, and some time, I’ll tell you what it is. I think I’ve said enough for now, but just know that I want more of you. The little bit I’ve gotten so far, it’s not nearly enough.”

  “What if I’m not capable of that?” I ask. He has no idea what he’s potentially asking. No one alive wants to see what’s underneath all the cushy layers of protection I’ve managed to cover myself with over the years.

  “Then you aren’t, and you tell me, and we move on.” He puts his elbows on the table and leans toward me, “I’m going to ask you an honest question.”

  “Okay,” I reply feeling nervous.

  “I’m assuming I’m not your first hook up?”

  “No,” I laugh dryly. “Not by a long shot,” I reply and immediately look down, feeling nervous to look at him after my admission. Until I feel his fingers gently pushing up my chin. When I’m looking at him again, I feel his thumb caress my cheek and then he drops his hand. “Do you want to continue with meaningless sex? Picking up guys in bars? Is that all you think you’ll ever want? Nothing more?”

  My mind flashes to countless bars, dance clubs, and hotel rooms where I’ve met men. I see times I’ve woken up in bed with men I didn’t even know. Random nameless faces flash before my eyes like a sick montage. I remember the countless times I’ve cried and begged that it would just end, that I could just stop. The numerous lies I’ve told to cover up my secret. I remember many times I’ve wished and prayed that I could find the strength to stop the painful cycle. Could it be that this man before me is the answer to those hopes and prayers? The ones I’ve been whispering to myself in private, vulnerable moments?

  “No,” I tell him and it comes out raspy. “No, that’s not what I want. At all.”

  “Then I’m asking you to take a chance with me. I don’t want that anymore either. And I have to say, I didn’t expect this.”

  “This?” I ask confused.

  “You. I didn’t expect you. But, here we are. And I’m not willing to let you be nothing more than just hot sex in a bathroom. I’m also not the kind of man that’s too much of a pussy to make my intentions clear. I’m not playing games with you.”

  “One month, huh?”

  “One month. And, like I said, we’re honest with each other. If it’s not working, then we say so.”

  “We would be dating one another exclusively during this challenge?”

  “Fuck yes,” he says staring at me hard. “I will not share you with anyone else. That’s a deal breaker.”

  Swallowing hard at his intensity, I nod, “Understood.”

  “So, challenge accepted?” he asks holding out his hand.

  “Wait,” I say, which makes him drop his hand. “We don’t have a reward. Doesn’t every challenge have some kind of reward at the end? We should have one at the end, assuming we make it.”

  “You mean besides hot sweaty sex?”

  I laugh, “Yes, besides that. Because I don’t know if we’ll make it that far, so how about some incentive for us both? We can…I know, how about we each request something from the other?”

  “Hmmm, okay.” His face lights up and a sinful smile emerges, “When we get to one month, you’ll let me tie you to my bed and have my way with you for hours.”

  Shivers run through every single inch of my body so fast, it makes me breathless. My nipples harden and I have to cross my legs because of the ache his words immediately put there. It takes effort to shake off his suggestion. “I was thinking something non-sex related, remember?”

  He sighs heavily, “Fine, then how about you’ll tell me your a-ha moment.”

  “Okay,” I nod slowly, the thought of sharing that part of me makes nerves flutter in my stomach and I automatically press a hand there to stave them off. “And for my reward, I want you to trade out your fighting shorts for a new pair.”

  “My fighting shorts?”

  “Yeah you know. The ones you wear during fights that say ‘Playboy’ on them.”

  “You know about those?” He asks and I swear I see his cheeks flush just a bit. Well I’ll be damned.

  “I know all about Ryder ‘Playboy’ King.”

  “What? Then why did you act like you didn’t when the hostess asked for my autograph?”

  “Because you were embarrassed and it was amusing.”

  “That’s low,” he says and I laugh. “You know all about me, you said?”

  “Yep,” I say popping the ‘p’ and smiling knowingly.

  “How?”

  “I looked you up. Have you seen all the pictures there are of you on the internet? Quite astonishing really. The ladies like you. I get the name.” This time I’m sure his cheeks are pink. “Anyway, I think that for my reward, I’m going to have some nice pink sparkly shorts made up for you. All blinged out with my name on your ass.”

  He throws his head back and laughs. “Oh yeah? Not gonna happen. You should think of something else, because I won’t wear those.”

  Shrugging, I smile. “We’ll see.”

  He shakes his head, “Well, you have a month to think of something else.” I laugh at his clear resistance to pink shorts and it makes him smile.

  And this time when he puts his hand out, I shake it, confirming our mutual challenge.

  It’s been one hell of a long twenty- four hours. My shift at the fire station was a slow one. I spent more time lifting weights and shooting the shit with the guys than anything else. It was my turn to help make dinner so going to the store and prepping the meal filled some time. Thoughts of Tessa were never far, and I replayed our dinner and conversation a couple nights ago over and over. These feelings of excitement and anticipation over a girl are ones I haven’t felt in a long time. I never thought they’d be welcome again.

  Just as my mind began reliving the moment I brought her home, an emergency call comes in. According to dispatch, a restaurant kitchen fire has gotten out of control and has turned into an all out inferno. We’re dressed in our gear and out of the station in record time. Happy to put our time to good use, yet dreading the call and aware of the potential harm to the squad and those involved, it’s the typical conundrum of the job.

  By the time we arrive, the little mom and pop Mexican food eatery is engulfed in flames. It takes two hours to get the flames completely extinguished and by that time, there was nothing left. If there is any saving grace in these kinds of situations, it’s that in a state full of restaurants located in strip malls, this was a freestanding place, so there weren’t additional businesses affected by the fire. I know it doesn’t help the owner, but it’s a true blessing. Another plus was that no one was hurt. The restaurant had closed earlier in the day due to a faulty stove – which now looks like it was a gas issue. They had called the gas company and a repairman and made arrangements for them to investigate and tend to the stove early the next day before opening. If ever there was an error in judgement, this would be one of them. Not sure why businesses don’t think to call us. This whole thing may have been preventable.

  One thing I will never get used to is seeing the devastation in the faces of the people affected by the fires. The middle aged Hispanic couple that owned the restaurant stood clutching hands watching helplessly as their livelihood burned to the ground. Family members joined them and offered support. Tears ran down faces. The restaurant had been in their family for a couple of generations, so it was a tough loss, but they stoically told us that this was merely one of life’s setbacks and that they were definitely going to rebuild. Seeing their pain -and heari
ng earnest resilience - is something you never get used to.

  Exhausted afterward, I couldn’t wait for the end of my shift to come and to get home. Once in my car, I drove as fast as I dared, eager to take a shower and catch a bit of sleep. My plans are to go and see Tessa at the hospital when I wake up. She told me when I texted her that she was working a twelve-hour shift today and she’s barely started, so I can get some rest and still wake up and see her. I’d like to surprise her – bring her some coffee and food. Plus, showing her how easy and effortless this little thing between us can be will be an added bonus.

  Inside my apartment, I make a beeline for the bathroom. Stripping down, I get in the shower and sigh as the warm water hits my skin. My mind begins to relax and not surprising, thoughts of Tessa appear and I begin reliving the night I brought her home from our date.

  “I had a really nice time tonight,” Tessa says to me as we stand in the doorway of her apartment.

  “Why do you sound surprised by that?”

  She laughs softly, “Because I suppose I am.”

  “You’re hurting my ego here.”

  “Somehow I doubt that’s possible,” she teases.

  “You’d be surprised.”

  “Maybe, but I really am glad that you asked me to dinner.”

  “I am too. Even though I wasn’t sure you were going to go for it at first.”