Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel

by Jennifer Miller

  “Sorry about that,” she begins as her eyes take in my presence, “Noah told me that you were busy and I tried to cover for you instead, but Dr. Hart is asking for you in triage three. We’ve got an attempted overdose. They’re pumping her stomach now. She swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. Dr. Hart asked for you to assist and wasn’t sure if you’d also want to bring a resident to observe.”

  Whatever else is said next, is lost to me. My mind just keeps hearing the word ‘overdose’ over and over again and I suddenly feel nauseous. Tessa turns to me and the look on my face must alarm her. She grasps my arm, her brows furrowing in concern. “Ryder? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  “I’m alright. Go. You need to go.”

  She looks unsure at first and begins uttering apologies. The truth is, I don’t really hear any of it – not really. I’m pretty sure I nod, and I even manage to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

  As she moves away from me, she looks back over her shoulder once more and waves. I return it and try to smile the best I can, but my mind has completely gone to another moment – another time – and I race out of there as fast as my feet can take me.

  “So he just showed up at your work with food and coffee? That’s so sweet.” Gina says to me as she shifts through the rack of clearance clothes at our favorite boutique. She has the day off, as do I, so we decided to make the most of our infrequent shared day and spend some time together.

  Nodding my head in agreement, I remove a two-piece outfit – a Kelly green skirt and top from the rack and admire its color and style. It’s lacey – something I’ve been wanting - and the top is a crop and the bottom a high-waist bell skirt with a flare. It would look great if I can pull it off. I add it to the pile I want to try on.

  “I think the thing that surprised me the most is that it didn’t freak me out.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I was really happy to see him. When I saw him standing there in the hallway, hands full of things he’d brought for me, I didn’t want to run the other way. I was happy to see him.”

  “Well of course you were,” Gina says rolling her eyes, “I’ve seen the man, remember? I bet he can set a woman’s panties on fire with one smoldering look.”

  Snorting out a laugh at that one, I begin to make my way to the dressing room, Gina on my heels. At the sound of my phone going off, I dig around in my bag until I find it. Glancing at the screen hoping to see Ryder’s name, my face falls when I see ‘Mom’ across the screen. Sighing, I push the button sending the call to voicemail, then throw the phone back in my bag.

  “Who was that?” Gina asks not caring one bit if she’s being nosy.

  “My mom.”

  “What is she calling you for?” she asks angrily. She knows that whenever she calls all it leads to is trouble and pain.

  “Who knows, but I’m not in the mood for it right now.”

  Gina nods and we continue to the dressing rooms and get stalls side by side. “What were we talking about?”

  “You were guessing Ryder has the ability to set panties afire.”

  “Oh yes.” She purrs.

  “You’re nuts,” I laugh.

  “Maybe, but hell woman. Who wouldn’t be happy to see a man that looks like that standing there waiting for them?” Gina, already filled in on the challenge Ryder made me, has become Ryder’s biggest fan. She thinks this thing between us is exciting and good for me. Therefore, I don’t think she’d say a negative thing about him, even if I asked her to.

  “Yeah, but you know what I mean,” I tell her through the door as I begin disrobing so I can try on my selections. “It isn’t like this is easy for me. Or I have a lot of experience with these things or something.”

  “Oh you mean because you actually know his name, have seen him more than once, and aren’t just using his good fuck to soothe the broken piece inside of you? Because sleeping around somehow fulfills the sick definition you have that that’s what feeling loved is like?”

  I rip open the dressing room door and stalk out. Gina’s already there, hands on her hips and a smile on her face. “Jesus, Gina! You know, it’s a damn good thing you’re my best friend because no one else would be able to get away with saying that shit to me.”

  “Damn straight, baby cakes. Because no one else knows you like I do, and I’m not going to bullshit you. Not now, not ever.”

  “I don’t want you to, now or ever. It just isn’t easy to hear.”

  Walking to me, her face is serious which seems to be a look I put on her face often. I don’t mean to. My laid back, kooky friend, always has a smile on her face and a good time in her sights – I love that about her. “It may not be easy to hear, but it’s the truth. And the reason I say that is because I don’t want you for one second to go back to that life and way of thinking. Ever. You have told me that it isn’t what you want, and I’ve told you that you deserve more. It’s time for you to understand and experience a thing or two about real love – and maybe, just maybe – Ryder is the one to offer you that. So, this thing with Ryder may be scary, and it may not always feel easy, but you are so worth the effort. Don’t you think so? I mean, my god, love yourself enough to want something different and to make something different happen. Talk is cheap, you know. And you know what? If it doesn’t work out, then I believe it was still supposed to occur to make you realize that you want more. If he needed to come into your life to help you recognize it, that’s awesome, we’ll take it.”

  “That’s the thing. I don’t know that I’m worth the effort. I’m not good enough for him, Gina, or anyone. You know that. You know why.”

  “And you know that I think that’s utter bullshit and deep down, you fucking know it too. Don’t you dare let something that happened to you, something that isn’t your fault, make you think any differently.”

  “I like him, Gina. Like, I think I really like him, and that scares me because I barely know him.”

  “Why does that matter?”

  “What do you mean why does that matter? How can I trust these feelings? I mean hell, it isn’t like I have experience with these things.” I feel exasperated with her because she doesn’t get it. Why doesn’t she get it? This is scary as hell.

  “There’s no rhyme or reason to this, Tess. Listen to yourself. You say that being with him feels good, that it’s easy, that you enjoy being with him. Instead of trying to dissect it and come up with all the reasons why this shouldn’t work or why those are bad feelings, why don’t you try listening to your heart in all of this, let go, and see what happens? Come on, Tessie, don’t tell me you are so damn sick that you don’t understand and know in your gut that those feelings that are starting to sprout are good and healthy and, hell, normal.”

  Her face is so serious, her eyes penetrating mine, her hands squeezing my own as if she can push her certainty into my body, make it run through my veins. “I’m scared,” I whisper. A simple confession, here in the middle of the dressing room at Oh So Chic, a lacy dress on my body, my best friend in front of me, and my heart stripped bare for her to see.

  “If you let your past make you afraid of your future, keep holding you back from what you are to have today, and make you afraid to live for right now, then you will end up with nothing. And that is so much worse than never having tried at all and experiencing consequences, no matter the outcome.”

  Her words register in my heart like a shot. I find myself nodding, as a lone tear falls down my cheek. Gina gives me a hug, then backs away with a big smile on her face. “Enough of that shit, I have an idea.”

  **

  “Are you sure about this?” Standing outside my car, Gina and I both have half a dozen pizzas in our arms. Looking at the building before us, I’m suddenly having doubts about her ‘great idea’. Glancing at my friend, I see she’s got a smile on her face a mile wide.

  “Are you really asking me that? How could bringing pizza to hungry firemen ever be a bad idea?” She tosses her hair over her shoulder and glance
s at me once before stalking forward, “Let’s do this.”

  Trying to promote an air of determination, I’m afraid I’m giving off more of a what-am-I-doing-this-is-nuts-and-so-am-I kind of air, but here we go.

  As soon as we walk inside the open garage, there’s all kinds of activity. Men are moving around the fire truck, they seem to be loading it up or something. There are some guys sitting at a table, others in the back sitting at weight machines and more just standing around talking. Immediately regretting going along with my friend’s idea, I take a couple steps backwards, not sure if I’m hoping to make a run for it or am just getting my bearings.

  “Well hot damn,” Gina says looking around and smacking her lips. I’d laugh if I wasn’t a ball of nerves at the moment. “Excuse me handsome,” Gina says as she walks up to a dark haired man that’s taking something out of the fire truck. When he turns to her and takes in my attractive friend, he smiles immediately. “How can I help you, ma’am?”

  “I’m looking for Ryder King,” she says and I swear the man’s face falls.

  “Ryder!” the man yells not taking his eyes away from Gina. “Get out here.”

  We aren’t kept waiting long. When Ryder comes around the corner my mouth immediately salivates at the sight. He’s wearing a tight white t-shirt and track pants and I can see sweat on his brow from here. The way he moves, so comfortable in his skin, it’s hard to take my eyes off of him. He looks to the man that called his name and when he nods at Gina, he looks surprised for a moment and then immediately he starts searching the room until he finds me. When he does, his face lights up with pleasure and he walks over to me.

  “Tessa?”

  “Hey, surprise!” I say nervousness clear in my voice. “I hope you, and well, everyone is hungry,” I gesture to the pizzas in my arms and he takes them from me immediately.

  “Wow, this is great. You didn’t have to do this.”

  “She wanted to,” Gina says walking up to me empty handed. Looking past her I see the other guy is now holding the pizzas she had in her arms. “We just finished up some shopping when Tessa said, you know, I wonder if Ryder and the other guys at the fire station are hungry, we should bring them some pizza. I told her that was an excellent idea.”

  Ryder looks at me with amusement twinkling in his eyes, “Is that right?”

  “Have you eaten? I hope you eat pizza, I know you prefer healthy food.”

  “No, I haven’t eaten and I promise you this is great. Can you stay for a little bit? Eat with us?”

  “Of course we can,” Gina answers for us and I can’t help it, I laugh.

  “Yes, we’d love to.”

  “Great, come with me.”

  Ryder leads us past the truck and into a back room where a kitchen resides. It’s got a refrigerator, stove, anything and everything they could need to make a meal. There’s even a large table and chairs. He places the pizza on the table and grabs some plates and napkins out of a cupboard. He adds a large bottle of water and a bottle of soda on the table with plastic beverage cups. We fill up our plates, pour a drink, and grab seats around the table.

  “Slow day so far?” I ask having seen the guys in various states of activity. They all looked like they’re just waiting around for a call.

  “Yep. We had one call so far, a toddler that fell in a pool.”

  “Firemen get called on those cases too?” Gina asks, making me jump slightly, unaware that she was even listening.

  “Yes, just in case it’s something that they may need some extra muscle for. Like they can’t get to the child, or a gate needs broken down, or something like that. Or to assist in reviving the child, if needed. ”

  “And the toddler?”

  “He’s going to be okay, thank god.” We’re all quiet for a moment knowing that in Arizona, that’s not a joke. Every year as summer approaches there are so many stories about children falling into or being found in on the bottom of a pool. Gates and pool fences help, but they don’t always prevent accidents and drownings. There’s special campaigns and warning on all the media. Yet, tragedies continue to occur. It’s horrifying and tragic - something that shouldn’t happen.

  “Yeah, the mom was hysterical when we got there. She says she turned her back only for one moment. That’s all it took.”

  “I’m glad it ended up okay.”

  “Yeah me too.”

  “So, what’s your name, stud?” I hear Gina ask the same guy that took the pizza from her arms and has been in the room with us. I choke on the bite of pizza I had in my mouth and cough.

  “You okay?” Ryder asks patting my back.

  “Fine.”

  “I do know CPR you remember,” he says into my ear. I turn to look at him, and smile suggestively.

  “Is that right? Oh, yeah, you are EMT certified.”

  “That’s true. But since you’re a nurse, which clearly means you’re the full time medical professional here, maybe I should show you my technique. You can tell me if I’m doing it right and how to improve my skill.”

  “Woo-wee, is it hot in here, Henry, or is it just me?” Gina says. When I look at her, she’s staring at me and Ryder and lifts an eyebrow at my stare. “What?” she starts fanning herself, “It’s hot.” She raises her hand like a child in a classroom, “I volunteer as tribute for the demonstration if Tessa passes.”

  “Shut up, Gina,” I say laughing at her.

  “Oh, pizza,” a man says that walks into the kitchen. “Can anyone have some?” he asks looking around the room, already placing a piece on a plate, gaze landing on Gina. “Hi,” he smiles widely at her. Gina says lord knows what to him because my focus is back on Ryder.

  “I hope it was okay our just showing up here. I know I could have called, but I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  “I’m glad you did. It’s the best surprise.” His mouth moves toward mine and just before our lips touch, we’re interrupted. “Ryder,” a guy says at the door. “Boss wants to see you man. Has a question about the report from this morning.”

  Ryder sighs and hangs his head for a moment before lifting it up and smiling at me. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

  “Okay,” I nod and smile. When he’s gone, I continue to eat my pizza and half listen to Gina flirt with the new guy that’s joined the table and is eating with us.

  “So how long have you been fighting fires, handsome?” she asks with absolutely no shame.

  “A few years now,” he answers her with his mouth full of pizza. As I watch their interaction, he looks up at me and catches me watching. He gives me a half smile before returning his gaze to Gina, but then looks back at me again. His brow furrows and he keeps staring, making me uncomfortable. “Do I know you?” he asks.

  “Me?” I ask like an idiot. Who else would he be referring to? “I don’t think so.” I tell him, and then take another bite of my pizza. It’s lost its flavor now and I throw the slice on my plate and stand to throw it away.

  “You are just so brave to work in this profession,” Gina says trying to veer the conversation back to her.

  When I sit back down though, the guy is still looking at me. “No, I know you. I know it.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t-”

  My words are cut off when he begins laughing out loud. At this point, Ryder has returned to the room and he sees my discomfort and looks at me questioningly. I shrug at him, but have a bad feeling, although I’m unsure as to why.

  “She’s gorgeous. I’m sure if you’d met her before, you’d know it.” Gina says, ever the best friend coming to my defense, even if it isn’t warranted.

  “No, I do. It was at Wind Tunnel, that bar down town. Of course, with what we were doing, I didn’t really care about your name then. Sorry, I didn’t catch it afterwards either.”

  Everything. Fucking. Stops.

  My past comes and rears its ugly fucking head right smack dab in the middle of this fire station kitchen. I’m absolutely rigid in my seat, unable to move, unable to respond, unable to do anything
other than die. Right here. Right now. Why? Why isn’t there some internal emergency button we can push at moments like these that cause a ginormous hole to appear in the ground to swallow us up and offer complete and immediate escape? Or better yet, a vortex we can quickly jump through into oblivion?

  Gina’s mouth opens and closes. She can see the horror on my face and stands immediately as if she’s getting ready to jump in front of me for a blow about to be delivered, but she’s too late. It’s already landed in the room like a big sonic boom.

  “So what is your name anyway?” he asks clearly not having a clue that I’m about to die in shame.

  I don’t know how exactly, but somehow I manage to get to my feet. Stumbling to the door, all I can think about is that I need to escape. I need to get the hell out of here, and I need to get out now. What was I thinking actually believing for one second that I could do this? That I could leave my past behind and move forward? Tears threaten to fall and I push them back refusing to let them go here.

  Gina is at my side in a second. I turn to Ryder, knowing I at least owe him that much. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I have to go.”

  “Tessa-” he calls to me as I take off like a bat out of hell. I hear Gina say something, but I don’t stick around to hear what. As soon as my feet hit the outside of the station, the alarm sounds signaling an emergency call.

  I don’t stop, I keep going until I reach my car and get inside. Gina isn’t far behind and she slams the door as she gets in next to me. Before she can say a word, I lift my hand in a plea for silence. Fortunately, she accurately interprets my sign language.

  Placing my head in my hands, I try to breathe deeply in and out as the ringing of the fire station alarm sounds in my ears.

  I interpret the look on her face as embarrassment combined with horror. She leaves so fast, I don’t even have a chance to catch up to her. Already in a half run, I yell in the direction of the Chief saying I’m going to step out for a few and side-step and move around the other guys prepping to race out on the emergency call. We work in groups and since I went out on the last one, my role this time is to remain behind in case a second call comes in. I would only go if they need a back-up team.