I recall how resistant I was to this initially, but Ryder continued to grow on me. Ignoring him or refusing him wasn’t an option. I’ve tried to keep at a distance if not physically then emotionally, but I know I’m failing miserably.
“That’s like the fifteenth time I’ve caught you looking at the clock in the last hour. What’s gives?” Natalie asks me bringing my attention back to her and the stack of charts sitting on the table. We’re sitting in an empty conference room catching up on paperwork. I hate paperwork.
“I am anxious for the shift to end. Ryder and I are going out tonight.”
“Aw, I’m jealous. I want a boyfriend. What are you two going to do?”
“I’m not sure. He has something in the makings, but he’s not telling.”
“Not telling you what?” Noah asks as he walks in the room carrying cups of coffee.
“Thank god, you’re a lifesaver,” I tell him as I take one off the tray assuming it’s for us without even asking him.
“I figured we could all use a little pick me up,” he says as he hands a cup to Natalie as well.
“So what were you talking about?”
“Tessa was saying that she and Ryder are going out tonight, but he isn’t telling her what they’re doing.”
“Oh, sounds mysterious. Perhaps adventurous. I like it. Hmmm…I wonder what it could be?” Noah takes a drink from his cup and I feel his eyes on me. “What?” I ask him.
“Just tell me, is his dick huge? Because he seriously looks like he’s hung like champ.”
“Noah!” I screech as he gives me a baffled look, seemingly oblivious to the inappropriateness of his question. Natalie starts cracking up. “None of your business,” I tell him.
“You’re such a bitch for keeping it a secret,” he says with a smile.
“Whatever you hoe. Get your own man,” I tell him.
“Honey, I am trying. Ryder doesn’t happen to have any gay friends does he? Or maybe a gay twin brother or something?”
“Not that I know of, sorry.”
He sighs deeply and Natalie and I giggle in response. “So, did you guys hear the gossip about what happened to one of the residents on the OB floor in labor and delivery?” Noah asks. He’s literally the hospital know it all. If you want to know any drama whatsoever going on with the residents, Noah is your guy. He knows who likes whom, who is mad at whom and why, what their latest fights have been over, patient screw-ups and anything they may be dealing with inside or outside of the hospital. How he’s privy to all of this information, I have no idea, but he knows it. It definitely makes for good stories occasionally, that’s for sure. And his dramatic flair in story-telling only makes his awareness even more interesting.
“No, I haven’t heard anything,” I tell him.
“Me either,” Natalie adds.
“Well, one of the women in labor was finally dilated enough to begin pushing. The OB hadn’t had any residents in up until that point, but she took a couple in with her so they could be there to assist once the baby was delivered. The OB had to perform an episiotomy and one of the residents, by then making her way next to the doctor, saw the tattoo that the woman in labor was sporting.”
“A tattoo?” I ask.
“Yep,” Noah says purposefully drawing out the suspense.
“What kind of tattoo?” Natalie asks with a roll of her eyes and a look of amusement at me because we know Noah is so loving telling us this.
“The tattoo was on her inner thigh. It had an arrow pointed up toward her vagina and read ‘Billy’s pussy’.”
Natalie chokes on the coffee she was swallowing and I begin to giggle. “Well that’s interesting.”
“Oh that’s not even the half of it. The resident, Holly is her name, after seeing this, turns to woman’s spouse and says, ‘So, you must be Billy.’”
“No she didn’t,” I said in disbelief.
“She did, but that’s not even the worst part.”
“What is?” Natalie asks wide-eyed.”
“He looked her straight in the eyes and said, ‘No, my name is Eric.’”
Natalie and I look at each other, eyes super wide, and I begin giggling uncontrollably. And then she starts giggling. And then we all start laughing so hard, we can’t stop. Once we all calm down Natalie says, “You totally made that up.”
Noah laughs and says, “Nope.”
When Natalie says, “Awkward,” we all start laughing again.
Some time later when my shift finally ends, I happily drive home eager to change for my date with Ryder. I’ve given thought of what to wear to this mystery date and think I have it pinned down. As I’m doing just that, my phone rings and it’s from a number that I don’t recognize. I consider ignoring it, but then find myself answering it anyway. “Hello?”
“Hi, Tessa?”
“Yes, this is Tessa.”
“Hi, Tessa. It’s Jane. Jane Monroe.”
My stomach sinks and I immediately feel like I’m going to throw up. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I close my eyes and do my best to steady myself for this conversation. “Hello, Jane.”
“It’s been a while, Tessa. I’m sorry that we are in contact again under these circumstances.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Look, I’m just going to get straight to it, just rip off the band aid so to speak. I’m assuming you received my previous message.”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry? What?” she asks no doubt unable to hear me.
Clearing my throat, I repeat louder, “Yes. I received it.”
“Well, I don’t know if you’ve decided what you want to do, but I want you to know that my boss, the district attorney and I spoke about your case. She’s confident that bringing charges and even perhaps, your speaking with the judge, if needed, would keep him locked up. But we are on a tight timeframe now to get things through the system in such way that his release would be suspended. We all know that they were lenient with him during the sentencing, but he has served his time and release is imminent. We’re pretty confident that we can get others to come forward and join your suit if you initiate one. But no one else is going to step up first, Tessa. And since you are no longer a child – and the others aren’t either – we can’t prosecute on your behalf. There’s no other options here. And if you are unable to do it, or unwilling to do so, we understand, but we just wanted you to be prepared for what lies ahead. Again, so sorry that there’s nothing that can be done otherwise.”
“Okay,” I manage to say weakly.
“You have a little more time to think about it, but I thought you deserved to know how serious this is and thought that maybe knowing this could sway your decision.”
“I appreciate your call, Jane. I have somewhere to be, but I will decide in the next day or two and I will call you back.”
“Okay, Tessa. Use this number if you like – it’s my personal cell phone.” She sighs loudly in my ear, “Truth is, I hate these kinds of phone calls and these cases are the worst. I know this isn’t an easy decision. I’m here if I can answer any questions you may have, okay? And of course I will be glad to coach you and help you through the process should you decide to proceed.”
“Okay.”
“Do you have a pen and paper handy? Let me give you the details about the date and time for the parole hearing.”
“Yeah, okay. Just a second.” I place my phone down and grab paper and pen off of my bedside table and take down the information as she recites it. “Thanks, Jane. I’ll give you a call soon.”
“Bye, Tessa.”
“Bye.”
***
My mind is elsewhere while I’m with Ryder and I hate it. I can’t help it. This decision and all of the history it regurgitates is engulfing me. He could tell something was wrong from the second I opened the door. I forced a smile on my face, tried to dismiss his questions without being too abrupt and told him nothing was wrong. I’m doing my best to make a box inside of my head to place my thoughts i
n regarding that phone call and the various associated thoughts. I’ll be damned if I will let that shit interfere with our evening.
During the drive, he holds my hand and looks at me occasionally; I’m trying so hard to truly be okay. Each time I meet his gaze with a smile. “So where are we going?”
“I told you it’s a surprise. I mean, it isn’t a big deal, but just something different.”
“I like different,” I tell him and he smiles. We’re quiet for a few minutes, and my mind is wandering again. “Ryder, do you have a bucket list?”
“A bucket list?”
“Yeah, you know. A list of things that you’d like to do at some point in your life before you die.”
“Yes, I know what that is, I guess I was just making sure I heard your question correctly.”
“Well, do you have one?”
“I’ve never made a physical list or anything, but sure, there’s some things that I’d like to do before I die. Places I’d like to visit, and that kind of thing. Do you have one?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Interesting question – what made you think of that question?
I dare not say I’m possessed by the fragility and uncertainty of life, so instead I say, “I think I read once that it was a good date question.”
He chuckles at my answer, “Tell me some of the things you have on your list first”
“Well, I’d love to go to Paris some day. Have you ever been?”
“No, I haven’t,” he says. “I’d like that too. But I’ve always wanted to go to Scotland.”
“Really? Scotland? Why?”
“That’s where my ancestors are from and I thought it would be neat to trace my lineage in the place where it all began.”
“That’s neat and it would be a beautiful place to visit.”
“I think so too. What’s another one of yours?” he asks.
“Don’t laugh.”
“Okay…”
“I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins.”
“Why would I laugh at that?”
“Because it’s probably weird to some people. It probably seems childish.”
“Not to me.”
“Oh, so you’d swim with dolphins too?”
“Hell no. Fish of any kind creep me out.”
A laugh bubbles up in my throat, “What? And dolphins aren’t fish.”
“Are they a huge ass thing that swims in the water? Yes, they are. The rest is semantics.”
“So, no swimming with dolphins then.”
“No way. No swimming in any water that has things that can nibble or bite on my jewels, or eat all of me what so ever.” His fear is so unexpected that I can’t stop laughing. “What? Why is that funny?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’re a bad ass fighter and you’re scared of fish.”
“No, I’m not afraid of fish – as long as they are in bowls or aquariums or such. I just don’t want to get in the water with them, And it’s not just fish. Seals, sharks, sting rays, octopi… there’s some scary, crazy shit in the water.”
While I’ve been laughing at him, Ryder’s pulled into a public park that I recognize, having been by it once. I recall that it sits atop of a mountain overlooking part of the city and the botanical gardens. Yet, it is minimally lit, and at this time of the evening it seems much more rural than it actually is. He parks the car and comes to my side of the car and helps me out. Opening the back door, he takes a bag, a long box, and a blanket, then leads me out to a grassy area. “I thought we could have a picnic and look at the stars. Just something simple and low key. How does that sound?”
“It sounds perfect.” I squeeze his hand tight and walk a short distance with him and then let go to help him spread out the blanket on a grassy area. Once we sit down, he takes the bag and pulls out some food. Sandwiches, fruit, plastic wine glasses, a bottle of wine – he’s even got dessert in there. We divvy up the food and each begin to eat. “This was such a great idea,” I tell him happily half sucking, half munching on a strawberry.
“I thought so,” he says with a prideful smile.
After we finish eating, he takes the long box he brought with him and unpacks it. To my surprise, he’s putting together a telescope. “My god, you thought of everything didn’t you? You are seriously like the perfect man. Quick, tell me something that you suck at because I’m getting a serious complex here. I’m not at all as perfect as you are.”
“Like I’d tell you now!” he says. “My plan is to get you way too wrapped up in my web and then when you can’t escape, because we’re in too deep, that’s the time those kinds of things get revealed.”
“Is that how it works?”
“That’s right.” He finishes putting the telescope together and gets it just where he wants it. Peeking through it, he changes the position a few times and then he waves me toward him. “I heard on the news last night that Jupiter is visible in the sky tonight through a telescope. I thought we could give it a shot.”
I take my turn looking in the telescope and sigh in pleasure when I see the planet. “Wow. That’s amazing.”
“It is, right?”
“It really is. It’s beautiful.”
“You know,” Ryder says as he watches me look at the sky. “I guess we’re crossing something off of my bucket list tonight. Something I didn’t even know was on it.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
“I’ve never star gazed before.”
“You haven’t? Not ever?” I ask.
“No, not like this. I mean sure, I’ve looked up at the stars before, but never through a telescope. I bought it so we could use it tonight. It’s pretty cool.”
“It is. Thank you for doing this. It’s wonderful. And I’m glad we could cross this off your list.” I take my eye away and look at him instead. Another amazing sight, truth be told. “You know, I think this is one of my favorite things about Arizona.”
“What is?”
“The sky. I mean, the nights here are so clear. When things feel… I don’t know… I guess overwhelming sometimes, doing something as simple as looking at the sky can remind you that there are so many bigger things going on in the world and then suddenly, the huge thing you were so worried about before, seems much smaller.”
“I like that,” he says. He moves me into his arms and we lie back together and look at the sky. My hand rests in his, and I can hear the slow and steady inhale and exhale of each breath he takes. There’s a soft breeze in the air and it kisses our skin as if it’s trying to say hello.
“Tessa…” Ryder whispers. Without moving my head from the sky above I answer, “Yes?” He’s quiet for a moment and I start to think that maybe he’s not going to say anything after all. “What’s something that you’d like to do, but you’re too scared to try?”
This time, I do turn my head to look at him, “What makes you ask me that?”
“There’s something that I never thought I would be able to feel again. But I think… I think maybe it happened when I wasn’t paying attention.”
I’m afraid to ask. I’m not sure I’m going to, but before I can think about it for long, my lips betray me, “What is it?”
“I don’t think I’m going to say,” he says while studying me intently.
“Why not?” I whisper.
“Because I’m scared. And I don’t know if it’s the actual feeling that I’m scared of, or its imminent revelation.”
I’d like to be the kind of girl that could look at him and tell him right here and right now, that I’m falling in love with him. That when I least expected it he somehow found his way into the shut off closed pieces of my soul and somehow chiseled out his own place there. I wish I could kiss him deeply, snuggle in his arms, and daydream of a future with him. I wish I could make love with him here, now, under the stars. I wish for all of these things and more, but instead, I remain quiet. Not letting him know how I feel one way or the other. Not letting him know that I know exactly what he’s talk
ing about. Because, although he may not know the answer to his question, I already know what it is that scares me more. And it isn’t the fact that I’ve fallen in love with him.
No. What I’m scared of is how he will react when he realizes whom he’s actually fallen in love with. What I’ve done. And not done.
And I can’t let that happen.
He deserves better.
Last night was an amazing night with Tessa. There’s only one thing that could have made it more perfect. If I had finally been brave enough to tell her how I feel about her. I started to, I even hinted at it, but it just wasn’t right yet. I worry I may have scared her off a bit with my intimation, and that’s the last thing I want to do. I backed off and we just laid and looked at the stars – quiet, for quite some time, and then we mechanically packed up and I took her home. It seemed we were both in deep thought.
After my pathetic ineffective attempt to tell her how I feel, she was quiet. And withdrawn – not cold – but at an arm’s length, emotionally. Part of me wants to believe it was due to the calming and relaxing tone of our evening, but I’m likely deluding myself. Something was off. She didn’t say one single word the entire ride back to her house. I attempted to pursue the conversation about her bucket list items, but she wasn’t very receptive. I held out hope that when we got to her place she would invite me in, but once we were at her door she yawned and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, dismissing me into the night. After she closed the door, I stood there and momentarily contemplated knocking and demanding her to tell me what was on her mind, but wisely retreated to my car instead.
Most people would think it’s not real – the way I feel about Tessa. That we’ve only been together a short time and yet I’m certain of how I feel. While the depths of my feelings are foreign to me, they are nonetheless, undeniably real. Those same people would be amazed to learn that I know exactly what being in love feels like. How she’s all you can think about. How seeing her makes your stomach feel like you’re on a fast ride. How you just get through each day minute by minute, sometimes second by second, until you can talk to or see her again. How you want to make her happy and protect her and share life with her. How you know you can have a life without her, but you really don’t want to. It’s both exciting and fucking terrifying. Because I know better than anyone how having that in your life is precious, how you should hold onto it fucking tight because it’s almost impossible to recover from such loss.
Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel Page 17
