Being with Tessa on an intimate level is almost painful. My need for her is all consuming, however the urgency to have more of her is still there of course; but it’s tamed, controlled. Holy fuck, I want to have her in every way possible. And I want to act out all the fantasies I’ve had about her. The ways I’ll finally make her come flow through my mind daily. But, I know that when the time is right, it will all happen. There’s no point in forcing it before the time is right. I’m not going anywhere and I sure as hell don’t want to fuck it up.
I can’t help but laugh at myself. I’ve sure come a long way. It’s… nice. I feel alive again.
As I walk into the fire station, I sip on my hot coffee and head straight to my locker so I can deposit my bag. I brought a change of clothes to train in when my shift is over. I may have just won a fight, but the next one will be on the horizon soon, I have no doubt. And no one remembers any victory of the past, it’s the current one that they measure you by. Hopefully after that, I can see Tessa tomorrow night.
My thoughts of her are so potent I swear I hear her laughter. Something inside of me quickens at the sound and when I walk into the kitchen the sight before me is so convoluted that I don’t really understand what I’m seeing at first. I’m not sure if my thoughts have manifested her there and I’m seeing things or if it’s for real.
Ronnie is sitting at the table in the kitchen on the long bench. He has a cup of coffee in front of him and a doughnut. Details I don’t really know why I notice. He’s laughing and has one of his hands tangled in the hair of a redhead straddling his lap. Her face is out of my direct sight.
“Well I’m happy to see you too,” he says. “But I have to admit this is unexpected.”
“I just couldn’t stop thinking about you after I saw you here the other day,” the female says.
I must have released a noise, because Ronnie looks over his shoulder and sees me standing in the doorway. His smile immediately falls and I can see apprehension cover his features. As if the girl in his lap senses I’m here, I can see her whole body stiffen. Her whole body that’s wrapped around another man. Fire burns my blood in an instant and sets my world aflame.
“What the hell?” I yell.
Her head turns to the side and her eyes connect with mine. I flinch at the sight. They’re flat, emotionless. The look on her face is one I’ve never seen before, yet one I’ll never forget. Somehow her beautiful face manages to be unrecognizable to me. “Can we help you?” she asks snidely and I don’t believe my fucking ears.
Stalking over to them, I pull her off of his lap. I try not to hurt her, and it takes effort because I want to shake her. “What the fuck are you doing, Tessa?”
She yanks her arm out of my grasp and hisses, “Don’t touch me.”
Lifting my hands up in front of me, I try to understand, “What’s going on here? Why are you with Ronnie?”
A humorless smile covers her face and it makes me instantly sick. “We were just getting reacquainted. What’s it to you?”
“What’s it to me? Are you fucking kidding me right now? You’re my girl!”
“No, Ryder. I’m not.”
“Yes you sure as hell are!” I bellow.
“Uh, maybe I should give you two a moment,” Ronnie says but both of us ignore him too caught up in staring at each other. It’s like something inside of me, that part of me that came alive again is shriveling. It’s dying. And it hurts like hell.
Turning to face me full on, she puts her hands on her hips and there’s challenge in her stare. “Look, Ryder. It isn’t working out. You weren’t meeting my uh… needs, okay? I tried. I really did. But, I’m not the kind of girl that does relationships, and I’m not interested in continuing whatever this was between us.”
I hear the words, I just can’t comprehend them and I stare at her in utter confusion.
As she side-steps to walk by me, I hear her whispered, “I’m sorry.” Grabbing her arm, I make her look me in the face. For a second her eyes are unguarded and I see a flash of pain and regret. “Tessa?” I whisper in a plea for her to tell me what the fuck is going on.
“Let go of her!” Ronnie yells at me, pushing me hard on my shoulder. “She was a fine piece of ass the first time around and I’m not letting you get in the way of me trying it out again.”
I can’t believe my fucking ears. His words have barely left his mouth before my fist is flying at his stupid face. I’ve got to hand it to him, he doesn’t go down with my blow and instead tackles me at my knees and takes me down to the ground. We roll around, each trying to gain position over the other. He sends some blows to my stomach and I know I land a few myself.
Eventually, our co-workers pull us apart, yelling at us to get a grip. “He started it!” Ronnie yells like a fucking baby. He’s got a good black eye forming and I feel satisfaction at the sight. My lip is bleeding and I rip my body away from the person holding me. “Hey! No!” they yell trying to get me back into their control.
“I’m fine. I’m not going to swing at him again. Let me go.” Jack looks at me uncertainly, but listens and I grab a napkin from the counter, using it to blot my lip.
“What happened?” Jack asks.
“What the hell is going on in here?” Fred another fireman asks.
I ignore them all and look around the room for Tessa. When I don’t see her I shove past all of them and go to the parking lot looking for her car. It’s not here. She’s gone.
My entire shift, she’s all I can think about. I replay what occurred over and over again in my mind. I relive every single second we’ve spent together over the last few weeks and read into every comment, every gesture, every look. There’s nothing I can see that indicates this was coming. Clearly she was already starting to withdraw from me last night when I dropped her off.
I see her in Ronnie’s arms in my mind repeatedly, each time I clench my eyes closed and breathe deeply until the image passes. All the guys around me try to act casual but I can see some of them keeping an eye on me out of the corner of their eyes and others giving me a wide berth. Can’t say I blame them.
When my long ass shift is finally over, I can’t get home fast enough. After I make myself something to eat, I swallow it down without tasting it. I sit and stare at the small photograph I have of Tessa from that night we went to dinner. She’s got a large smile on her face, one hand tucked behind the large cowboy hat on her head and the other on her hip. I trace my finger over the image and with a deep breath decide that enough is enough. I want an explanation and I’m going to demand one. It may still be early yet, but I don’t care. I grab my keys and fly out the door. I recall her saying she had today off too, so I have my destination clearly in mind.
I make it to Tessa’s place in record time and barely keep myself from pounding on the door with a heavy fist. When the door swings open and Gina’s standing there, I’m thankful. If Tessa had looked through the peephole and seen me, I’m not sure she would have answered it.
I’m surprised though when Gina smiles at me, “Well, well, well. I’m glad to see that you’re the man I thought you were.”
“Excuse me?”
“Even after what she did to you, you’re still standing here.”
“She told you?”
“Yeah, she told me. She’s been crying ever since she got home.”
Looking at her in disbelief, I ask, “Crying? But she did this. I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t. And in my opinion, it’s time that you do. Wait here.”
She’s gone for a while. No doubt arguing with Tessa about showing her face. I use the time to pace and try to calm down as best I can. I’m angry. So angry. But more than that, I just want to know why the hell she did this. Why would she purposefully sabotage something good? It doesn’t make a lick of fucking sense.
Walking over to their gray couch, I sit down, but then immediately stand again, too wound up to stay seated. Pacing the room, I finally decide to go back to her room and get her myself. As I turn
around, I find her standing there. Her face is tear stained and her hair is thrown into a knot on the top of her head. She’s wearing pajamas and is looking anywhere but at me. Gina is standing behind her and has a look of agitated determination on her face.
“Why?” I ask finally drawing her gaze to my face, and I let everything that I’m feeling show - the anger, my confusion, sadness, disbelief, all of it. “Why would you do that to me? To us?”
She sighs and hesitates, “Ryder-”
“No! Don’t you dare give me some lame fucking excuse about me not meeting your needs. And I swear to god if you mumble something along the lines of it’s not you, it’s me, I will lose my fucking mind.”
“Tessa,” Gina says.
Tessa flies around and points at Gina, “No. Don’t.”
“No. You don’t!” Gina points right back at her. “I’m your best friend and I’m not going to let you ruin the best thing that’s happened to you in a long time because you not only underestimate Ryder, but because you let that man win again. No. Don’t you fucking dare.”
“This doesn’t concern you!” Tessa yells at Gina.
“Yes it bloody well does! We’re best friends and that means something to me. Enough is enough. You deserve so much better than what you think, Tessa. Talk. To. Him.”
“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?”
Tessa turns to me and it’s as if all the oxygen leaves her body and she deflates. I’ve never seen this strong, sexy, funny, sassy woman look so beaten down before. It’s alarming and I find myself taking a step toward her wanting to ease whatever it is that’s wrong. She holds out her hand and her face registers alarm, “Don’t. Don’t come near me.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to touch me.”
“I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s not you. I’m not good enough for you, Ryder.”
“Why are you saying this?”
“Because it’s true!” she yells suddenly. “Things can never be normal, don’t you understand? I can never be normal; I don’t deserve it. I’m tainted. I’m disgusting. I’m unclean. A fucking disgrace!” she screams and she puts her hands up to the side of her head and grips her hair. I look at Gina helplessly not knowing what to say, not understanding what is happening, not knowing what to do. Gina has tears in her eyes and her hands are gripped into fists at her sides as if it takes effort for her not to go to Tessa too.
Looking back to Tessa I shake my head in confusion, “Why are you saying this?”
Her panicked, watery eyes meet mine. “You deserve better than me, Ryder. I’ve fallen in love with you and it’s wrong. You should run, far and fast. You don’t even…”
Her words only add more confusion, “But, if you love me, then why?”
“My own father molested me over and over and over again as a child. And I’m so pathetic… so disgusting… I’ve done nothing about it. He ruined me. Is this what you want? Is that what you want to see every time you touch me? I don’t deserve a man like you.”
With that, she walks to the door and holds it open, waiting for my exit.
Ryder walks to the door and I look away, not able to face his reaction to the bomb I just dropped. The disgust, shame, and horror are enough; I can’t deal with this revelation up close and personal. I’ve had all I can take for one day. Choosing to use Ronnie, as a way to push Ryder away wasn’t an easy decision. But, I knew I needed to hurt him in order to make an impact, to leave no doubt that he would not want to be with me. Now that he knows the truth about me, the nasty excuse for a human being I am, he won’t want anything to do with me. The idea that he’s touched me, had his hands and mouth on me and his life involved with mine, well, I expect he will do just as I sad - run as fast and as far as he can. After the look on his face at the fire station, I figured my deceit was on target and he would feel utter revulsion. I did not expect him to come here, to confront me; I had no plan for this. So, I just spilled it – let it out. Ruined it forever.
As he passes me, I hold myself rigid. My teeth are grinding so hard, I’m amazed they aren’t disintegrating in my mouth, but I’ll do anything to stifle the sob that’s trying to bubble up in my throat. I don’t deserve tears. I don’t deserve to feel bad for myself over this. I deserve every single ounce of pain that comes my way over what I’ve done. I’ve always known that I would pay for my sins. I do not deserve to be happy, to try to create happiness to allow myself that feeling. All of this is my fault. Just as I contributed to these acts as a child, I now bring this on myself by foolishly believing I could be happy and whole and assume the happy life…even for a while. Everyone knows that people like me do not fall in love or find such contentment. That would be a miracle and far, far more than I deserve.
When the apartment door closes, a quiet click, it may as well have been a slam for the impact it makes in my heart. My body physically jumps. A sob manages to escape and I straighten and tighten my knees, refusing to let them buckle and bring me to the floor. In time, these feelings will fade and I will go back to the meaningless life I was living. I’m sure the happiness and contentment I allowed to creep in occasionally will wilt until it is reduced to nothing but remote memories. The best I can hope for is that someday when I allow the memories to fill my mind, I can look back on them fondly. And with little pain.
“Tessa?” Gina says my name. Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, I look up at her and find she’s not looking at me. She’s looking beyond me.
Spinning around, I gasp when I find that Ryder is still here. He never left. He closed the door, but he did not leave like I assumed. He’s facing the door, his arm in front of him, palm flat on the door, head down. He looks like he’s taking several deep breaths in and out, composing himself. When he turns around and looks at me, I’m shocked to find his eyes glassy with emotion.
“Ryder?” I ask in disbelief.
He stares at me, his gaze unwavering. “Tell me,” he whispers and the look of sadness on his face makes an ache form in my heart. I hate that I’ve caused him to feel this way – that something that happened years ago, not only still affects me today, but can still hurt the people around me too. When will it ever stop? “Tell me what happened to you,” he says again.
Holding his stare for a moment, I nod once, then look back at Gina. She spent the last couple hours lecturing me out of one side of her mouth and trying her best to soothe me out of the other. When I told her what I did to Ryder at the fire station she was so angry. She even threatened to march down there and tell him the truth. It’s been a long time since she’s been that mad at me over something. She believes that I should give him a chance. To unburden myself with the whole story and place it in his hands to do what he will. She said that at the end of the day at least I will know that I tried to do something different, to change my life and maybe even its trajectory. That for once I chose to fight against what happened to me instead of giving in to it. Before I could even consider the ramifications of such a decision, Ryder showed up here.
Whether or not I would have taken her advice I’m not sure. I suppose it doesn’t really matter now, because here we are.
Gina nods at me encouragingly and then turns and walks down the hall to her bedroom. No doubt she’ll be listening at the door. I know her.
Turning back to Ryder, I ask, “Do you want to sit down?” Stupid question that I’m not really sure where it came from but I’m nervous.
“Honestly, I don’t think I can. Unless it makes you feel better?”
I shrug, “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“Okay,” he says and then stares at me. Watching. Waiting.
“I’m really not sure that I know where to begin,” I confess. “I’ve only ever told a few people and it’s been a while.” I’m rambling now. Feelings of nervousness make my stomach upset and I place my hand there trying to calm it. “The earliest memory I have is when I was five years old.”
&n
bsp; “Jesus,” Ryder murmurs and walks over to the couch and sits after all. I remain standing, needing the distance. Needing the space to move around if I want to.
“My dad started coming to my room late at night. He’d wake me up and tell me to be quiet, that we didn’t want to wake mommy up because we were going to play a secret game just for daddy’s and daughter’s.” I swallow heavily, stomach acid burning my throat at my words. Images play out in my mind and I do my best to push them away but I’m sure that will be impossible tonight. “He would ask me the medical term for parts of the body. ‘Where is my humerus?’ he would ask me. ‘Where is my tibia?’” I stop and take a few breaths before continuing. “It always lead to ‘Where is your vagina and then where is my penis?’ At first he would just ask me to point or rub up against me and later he would make me touch.”
Ryder mumbles something under his breath that I’m sure must be a curse word but I’m not sure as it wasn’t very clear.
“When he wanted the games to be more extensive, if I would only try to point at the place in question, he would grab my hand and press it to our body parts, usually ending with his penis. He would say I had to count to twenty or fifty and leave it there until he said I could remove it. Or he would make me rub it a certain number of times. At the end of each night, he would tell me how smart I was, and how much he cared for me and give me a piece of candy. Reward me like I was a fucking mouse or dog.”
“As I grew older, the same games were not enough for him anymore. I started to resist, to put up a fight, tell him no and even threatened to tell my mother or a teacher. I remember one time when I was seven, he put his hand up my shirt and pinched my nipples. I wasn’t even developing yet. He pinched hard enough that it hurt and I cried out and told him I was going to tell. That I was sure that my teacher wouldn’t like to find out that my daddy was hurting me.” I laugh without humor recalling my second grade self. Crooked bangs and teeth to match, I thought I was so smart that time. That surely he would finally stop because I was brave enough to make a threat. “He told me he was only trying to make me strong and to deal with the harshness of life. He would threaten to take me out of school and would let me know his seriousness by telling me the plan he had to home school me and that I would never see my friends or go to any activity ever again. And it worked. I believed him. How pathetic is that?”
Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel Page 18
