A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis: Good To The Last Death Book Three

by Peterman , Robyn

  “Correct! And do you recall who actually owned the house?”

  “Nope,” I replied with a shrug. “Is that important?”

  “Sure is, darlin’,” she said with a wink.

  My mouth fell open and I stared at the head in her lap. “Jimmy Joe Johnson? He was the owner of my house?”

  “Bingo,” Gram yelled, tossing Jimmy Joe’s head in the air, catching it and kissing the top of his head.

  “He died a long freaking time ago,” I said. “He stuck around forever.”

  Gram nodded. “For a real long time, he was terrified of leaving the house—cried like a baby and got lost every time he tried. That’s why I never ended up meeting up with him when I was the Death Counselor. My man had no balls.”

  The temptation to bring up Gideon’s junk was strong. However, the timing was way, way off. I stuck with the matter at hand. “So, he lived here with me and Steve the entire time?”

  “Darn tootin’. He just loves y’all and was ready to get counseled by you, but…”

  “But?” I pressed, still blown away by the story.

  “But then I kicked the bucket and he wasn’t in such a hurry to leave,” she explained.

  “Unreal,” Gideon said with a laugh. “The briefcase is in the crawlspace?”

  “Yep,” Gram said. “He showed it to me yesterday when we were cheerin’ up Birdie. Kind of dusty, but right where he left it.”

  Shit. Birdie… She needed me, and I hadn’t been there for her. Even with everything going on, I shouldn’t have left her hanging. No time like the present to fix that. I now had two excellent reasons to get filthy and check out my crawlspace.

  “I am really glad I didn’t knock my house down when Clarissa was here,” I muttered, standing up and extending my hand to Gideon to help him to his feet.

  “You were going to do that?” he asked, raising a brow.

  “Considered it,” I told him. “Thought it would be a good distraction to give me a head start in getting away from her.”

  “Why didn’t you?” he asked, brushing pieces of glass off of my pants.

  “It could have killed my dogs,” I replied.

  “You’re serious,” Gideon said flatly.

  “Totally.”

  “If I ever get another life, I’m coming back as one of your dogs,” he said with a laugh.

  “Crap,” I muttered. “Speaking of… they’re still outside.”

  Moving quickly to the front door, I let my furballs back in. Donna barked and wagged her tail. Karen simply chased hers. Life was a mess, but it still had lots of little silver linings.

  “Who’s coming to the crawlspace?” I asked.

  “Wouldn’t miss it,” Gideon said.

  Taking his hand in mine, we walked out of my trashed house and around to the crawlspace door.

  “The credit card check is over a decade old,” I said, unlatching the door. “Is it still good?”

  “Probably not,” Gideon said. “However, I don’t think it matters. Jimmy Joe will be at peace as long as it’s sent.”

  “I can do that,” I said. “But I didn’t put him back together. Can he move on without all his parts?”

  “Would it insult you if we worked as a team on this one?”

  “Explain, please,” I said.

  Gideon leaned on the side of the house and crossed his arms over his chest. “Clarissa broke another sacred law by destroying one of the dead.”

  “One of many,” I said.

  “True,” he agreed. “However, something like this falls into my territory. I can make the call of where to send a broken one who was unjustly harmed.”

  “And the call you would make for Jimmy Joe Johnson?” I asked.

  “The light. I call the light.”

  My smile was so wide it hurt my face. “I would be honored to work with you, Grim Reaper.”

  “The honor would be all mine, Death Counselor. You ready to find a very old credit card payment?”

  “Yes, I am, partner,” I replied with a giggle.

  “I like the way that sounds, partner.”

  “Me too,” I said, getting low and crawling in. “Me too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “You’re sure?” my father demanded in a voice so full of pain, I had to look away.

  “I’m sure,” I replied. “Clarissa doesn’t have my mother’s soul. She’s looking for it and thought I had it.”

  Rage and confusion contorted his face. “If she doesn’t have Alana’s soul, where the hell is it?”

  I said nothing. I didn’t have the answer.

  “Excuse me for a moment,” he said tersely then walked out the front door of my house and slammed it behind him.

  I looked over at the others in confusion.

  “Did he just leave?”

  “Hell no,” Candy said, moving quickly to the window. “He just needs to let off a little steam. That was some big fucking news.”

  “Understatement,” Tim said.

  Charlie, Heather, Tim, and Gideon joined Candy at the bay window.

  Luckily, Steve and Gram were keeping the ghosts entertained upstairs in my bedroom. They were all restless and upset since Clarissa’s terrorizing visit, with the exception of Birdie, who was in seriously bad shape and resting on my newly restored couch thanks to a little magic from Candy. I could see through most of my dead buddy now and she was unable to fly. She’d weighed practically nothing in my arms when I’d carried her out of the crawlspace and back into the house. And I almost cried with joy when she’d called me a hooker and weakly flipped me off.

  I put an afghan over her before I joined the others at the window.

  “Everyone be ready to duck,” Gideon warned.

  “Are you serious?” I asked, peering out at the pissed-off Archangel in my yard.

  “Very,” Gideon said.

  Michael glowed such a brilliant gold, it was hard to look directly at him. He lit up the yard like a blazing sun in the middle of the night. Raising his hands in the air then jerking them down violently, he created an explosion that caused the house to shudder on its foundation. His roar of agony and fury would live in my mind forever.

  My instinct was to go to him, but the rules for my father and myself had not been decided. Would I even be welcome? The thought broke a piece of my heart.

  “Follow your instincts, Daisy,” Gideon whispered in my ear.

  I glanced up at him.

  “You’re thinking very loudly,” he said, giving me a gentle push.

  “I’m going to have to figure out how to stop doing that,” I muttered as I opened the front door and looked out at the father who’d loved my mother with his entire being.

  Michael turned as if he felt my eyes on him and stared right back. His body still glowed but it wasn’t as blinding, or maybe I was getting used to it. I had no idea what to say. Words seemed insufficient. I decided against them.

  Walking down the front porch steps, I approached him. My father looked at me, his expression questioning. Keeping my gaze pinned to his, I slowly extended my hand. His beautiful eyes widened and he glanced down at my hand. I simply nodded and kept it extended.

  He approached me warily, as if I would yank my hand back as he came closer. I had no intention of doing that. My gesture was from my heart. It was real and it felt right.

  He took my hand. The feeling of his hand in mine was one I’d longed for my whole life. It had taken forty years to get here and a tremendous amount of shitty stuff to happen, but we’d arrived. Hopefully.

  “I destroyed your yard,” my father finally said, still staring at our joined hands. “Sorry about that.”

  I laughed. His statement was unexpected, but somehow perfect. “No biggie, I knocked down a huge tree not too long ago with my fist,” I told him.

  His smile lit his face and my breath caught in my throat. “Like father, like daughter,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry, Daisy.”

  I wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for the yard or for being absent
my life. My guess was both.

  “I’m sorry too,” I said. “Come back inside.”

  “As you wish,” he said, squeezing my hand.

  The emotions rioting through me were thrilling and freeing. It filled me with something I’d been missing—something that had been stolen from me.

  And it gave me yet another reason to hate Clarissa.

  As we reentered the house, everything inside me felt new and shiny. However, I wasn’t ready to scream with joy and call John Travolta dad. We had a long road ahead. And while I would no longer think of him as Darth Vader, John Travolta had a nice ring to it.

  “Do you think the authorities will show up?” Heather asked, still looking out of the window at the massive crater in my yard.

  “Oh crap,” I said. “We’re pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but that was a big explosion.”

  Tim pulled a police scanner from his pocket and checked it. “Nope. All clear.”

  Tim had many strange things in his plethora of pockets…

  “Back to business,” Gideon said.

  “I agree,” Heather said, turning away from the window. “Clarissa said she would kill everyone who means anything to you?”

  Heather had been mortified that leaving her car here had led to me being unprotected—hence a visit from Clarissa. I’d told her ad nauseam that it was my fault, not hers, but she wasn’t having any of it. With the way she’d been trailing me since she arrived, I was worried she wasn’t going to leave my side for the rest of my life.

  “Yes,” I replied with a shudder. “I think it would be an excellent plan to get Jennifer, June and Missy out of here for a while.”

  “I agree,” Gideon said.

  “As do I,” my father added.

  “I’m sending them away immediately,” Charlie said, running his hands over his balding head. “Nothing will happen to June or the other women on my watch.”

  “Won’t they be safer here with us to protect them?” Tim inquired as he swept the glass up off the floor in my living room.

  “I’ll take them somewhere and watch over them,” Candy said. “I need a vacation anyways. I’ll get those gals out of town and show them a great time.” She clapped her hands and restored the blown-up staircase. “And I’ll kill the shit out of anyone who tries to harm them. I’ve been itching for a fight lately. Annihilating someone would seriously work for me.”

  “That sounds a little iffy to me,” I said. Candy could barely get through the luncheon with my friends without sticking her foot in her mouth and pulling it out of her butt. I couldn’t imagine a vacation with the foursome.

  “Nah, it’s a great plan,” Candy said. “I’m excellent at bumping off shit. Plus, I can share a room with the gals. Tim would have to be in a separate room, leaving them open to danger.”

  “When did I get volunteered to go?” Tim asked, perplexed.

  “You didn’t,” Candy said. “I was just making a fucking point.”

  “Candy Vargo, you have a mouth like a sailor, but I have to agree that you could protect them gals,” Gram said, zipping into the room and fluttering around Birdie with concern. “I just don’t want to hear you were picking your teeth in public when y’all get back.”

  My head jerked to Gram and I watched her closely. If she’d heard us talking about my mother, she could go zombie on me again. Fortunately, she wasn’t behaving robotically. I expelled a sigh of relief that she hadn’t overheard anything. I was ready to veer the conversation away from talk of my mother with Gram in the room. Hurting her was not on the agenda. Ever.

  “What if I have food in my teeth?” Candy asked, trying to win back the rights to her disgusting bad habit.

  “Then you carry a dang toothbrush in your purse and excuse yourself to find a bathroom,” Gram told her.

  “Oh my God,” Candy groaned. “I have to carry a purse?”

  I laughed and shook my head. Gram was going to be the death of the old Candy Vargo and the creator of the newer, more refined version. How was that for karma?

  Gram was surprisingly fine about Jimmy Joe Johnson moving on. We never did find all of him, but Gideon had used some strong magic that rocked the house. Literally. The golden glow had come for Jimmy Joe, and he’d been restored to his former self even though his ghostly body had been in pieces. He’d promised to wait for Gram up in Heaven and then cried as expected. He’d thanked me in advance for sending off his very tardy credit card payment, and also for taking such loving care of his house. Steve had been delighted with the story and told Jimmy Joe he’d meet up with him in the future.

  The thought of Steve leaving didn’t tear at me as much as it had when he’d first come back. We’d worked out so many of our issues and both of us were happy and at peace. I would never stop loving him and would always miss him. But when he was ready to move on into the light, I would let him go.

  “We should get the women out of town immediately,” my father said, plugging in the vacuum and turning it on.

  “Absolutely,” Gideon agreed as he picked up the torn paintings and photographs, repairing them with a snap of his fingers.

  It wasn’t strange at all to see Gideon help with the cleanup. It was natural and right. However, watching John Travolta vacuum was all kinds of weird. I almost told him he didn’t have to help, but figured it would be insulting because everyone else was pitching in. He and I were making new rules. If he wanted to fit in, I was all for letting him.

  “Heather,” Charlie said, scrubbing his hand over his face and wincing. “I need to ask a favor. I will owe you one in return.”

  “An unethical favor?” Heather asked, clearly reading his intent by his facial expression.

  Charlie took a deep breath then nodded. “Yes. I want you to plant the idea for a vacation in June, Jennifer and Missy’s minds.”

  Heather stared at Charlie for a long moment then pressed the bridge of her nose. “Fine. Where are they going and when?”

  “Italy,” Gideon suggested. “I have a villa in Tuscany. It’s private and safe. The staff there is discreet and Immortal. I will advise them Karma is coming along with three human guests.”

  “I wanna go to Tuscany,” Gram griped.

  “So do I,” I said with a laugh.

  “Done,” Gideon said. “I shall take you and Gram to Tuscany soon.”

  “Hot damn,” Gram squealed. “Can we fly on your back? I’d love to see them shiny wings in action.”

  “Umm… no,” I said, shaking my head. “Kind of a long flight to bareback it.”

  “I’d have to agree,” Gideon said with a chuckle as he walked around the house and continued to repair the damage Clarissa had caused.

  Watching them was fascinating. “I don’t know why most of you guys are lawyers. You could make a fortune in construction.”

  “Because we don’t use magic as lawyers,” my father explained. “Law is good for the mind.”

  “Correct,” Charlie added. “I was a lawyer last century. I quite enjoy the hospital work this century.” He turned his attention back to Heather. “As to where to send the women? I like Gideon’s idea of Italy. June has always wanted to visit. As to when? Tonight. There’s an international flight leaving from Atlanta at midnight.”

  “Kind of quick considering they haven’t packed yet,” Heather pointed out. “It’s nine now and we’re over an hour away from Atlanta. If I drive well over the speed limit, they’ll still probably miss the plane.”

  “Not an issue,” Candy said. “Plant the idea. We’ll transport them to Atlanta.”

  “If you’re going to transport them, I’d suggest transporting them straight to the villa in Tuscany,” John Travolta said.

  “Is that safe?” I questioned.

  “Much safer than flying,” Tim assured me. “Plus, the risk of having your rectum sucked out on an airplane vacuum toilet is greatly minimalized.”

  That shut everyone up for a few minutes.

  Heather took my hand and led me to my newly repaired armchair. “Dais
y, I understand all of this sounds unusual and possibly awful to you, but Clarissa doesn’t make threats idly. Normally, we don’t get humans involved in our shitshows.”

  “This time we do,” Charlie said as his eyes turned silver and his fingertips sparked. “June is my happiness. Nothing can happen to her.”

  Heather put her hand on Charlie’s back to calm him. “Nothing will happen to her. And nothing will happen to Missy or Jennifer. Candy, move your ass. We’re leaving.”

  “Wait. What about clothes?” I asked then rolled my eyes. This kind of talk was becoming far too common for me. I simply shook my head and plowed forward. I’d joined the crazy club and I may as well participate. Plus, I didn’t want my friends to have only one outfit the entire time. Jennifer would crap her pants. “They can’t travel without necessities.”

  “Everything they need will be waiting for them in Tuscany,” Charlie said.

  “Holy hell on a Sunday,” Gram said with an appreciative whistle. “You ancient freaks know how to travel in style.”

  “Gram,” I chastised her. “That’s rude.”

  “But accurate,” Gideon said with a laugh. “Daisy, you don’t have to worry. The girls will have a safe and wonderful time. My staff will make sure they’re entertained as well as protected. Like Heather said, this isn’t our norm, but the circumstances are anything but normal.”

  “I’m ready,” Candy announced.

  “Gimme your toothpicks, girlie,” Gram demanded, holding out her hand.

  “I don’t have any,” Candy lied, avoiding eye contact.

  “Candy Vargo, you’re talkin’ with your tongue out of your dang shoe,” Gram snapped. “You think I’m so dumb I could throw myself on the ground and miss?”

  “I didn’t understand any of that,” Candy said, scratching her head.

  “I did,” Tim announced with pride. “She said you’re a liar and that she’s not stupid. I’d suggest you give up your toothpicks immediately.”

  “All of you suck,” Candy grumbled as she pulled about thirty toothpicks out of her pocket and handed them to Gram.

  Of course, they went right through Gram’s ghostly hand, but Tim was quick with the broom. He swept them up and sprinted out of the room.