Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  "I saw it when I was walking around yesterday," I said.

  Caleb stopped and stared at me appraisingly for a few seconds. "Why are you so against me walking you over there?" he asked. He could already tell I was different—I could tell that's what he was thinking.

  "I'm not against it," I said. "I just wasn't expecting to go anywhere tonight."

  I thought he would respond to my statement, but he didn't. He just stared at me with a curious half-smile. It was a look I'd seen before. My "boyfriends" used to look at me like that when they were trying to figure me out. I caught myself enjoying the attention, which made me look away from him uncomfortably.

  "I guess the choice has already been made for me," I said, standing up. "Just give me a minute to change," I said.

  She didn't mean for me to, but I saw Coleen shrug at Caleb out of the corner of my eye before I took off. I didn't care. I wasn't really expecting all the meet and greet. Now I was officially regretting talking in the first place.

  The older brother had already taken off by the time I got back downstairs, but Caleb was still sitting at the bar talking to my granddad and Coleen.

  "Oh, that looks nice," Coleen said. I could tell she was relieved which made me let out a tiny laugh. "Thanks," I said, only a little sarcastically.

  "We'll bring you first thing in the morning to get your phone," she said.

  "I'll see you in just a minute," I said, a little confused that she would feel the need to tell me plans for the next day when I'd be right back.

  "We're okay with you staying over there how ever long you want to, sweetheart. It's Friday night and we're glad to see you making new friends.

  How embarrassing. I looked at her like she was crazy for making a statement like that in front of Caleb. Plus, I didn't want the option to stay over there. I wanted her to say, "Be back in ten minutes," so I'd have an excuse to leave.

  "Tell Bonnie and Ben we said hello," she added, completely ignoring all my facial cues.

  "I'll be back in a few minutes," I said. I felt like I needed to say it one last time just so we were clear. I glanced at Caleb to find that he was smiling at me.

  "What?" I asked.

  "Nothing. I'm just smiling."

  "You people smile all the time," I said.

  My statement made Coleen let out a loud, nervous laugh. "She moved here from New York," she explained.

  "I heard," he said.

  I gave him a look of challenge. "What else did you hear?" I asked.

  "That you got taken away from wherever you were staying and the Mitchells were your next of kin."

  I was completely and utterly shocked by his honest answer, and I just stared at him for a few seconds. Earl and Coleen were quiet too—shaking in their boots while they waited to see what I'd do or say.

  "Did you know that Earl's my real granddad, but I'd never even met him before I moved here the other day?" I asked.

  "No," he said continuing to study me.

  "Did you know that I was abandoned by my dad and then abused by my aunt? She got arrested a few weeks ago, and I had the choice between living on the streets or—"

  "Maybe Caleb doesn't need to know all the ins and outs of everything sweetheart," Coleen said, cutting me short. I knew she was right. I knew I shouldn't say anymore. I wouldn't have even said that much if he hadn't started in with the questions.

  I glanced at Caleb to find that he was looking me over with an unreadable expression. "Everybody's got a story," he said as he stood up. It was as diplomatic as you could get, and I was glad to get out of having to say any more. "I'll make sure she gets back," he said, making eye contact with Earl.

  I wanted to say it was right next door and I could find my way back just fine, but I figured they thought I was disagreeable enough as it was. I just smiled and kept my mouth shut.

  Chapter 4

  "Do you talk about what happened with your aunt?" Caleb asked, as soon as the door shut behind us.

  I laughed and he gave me an offended look. "Not really," I said.

  "Why'd you bring it up then?" he asked.

  "You brought it up," I said. We were just standing there on the front porch, so I decided to start walking toward his house. The sooner we got there, the sooner I could leave. He fell into stride beside me and we walked down the steps and onto the sidewalk that led to the driveway. Neither of us spoke for a minute.

  "I've been sexually active since I was thirteen," I said. "I did it for money. That's what my aunt's arrest was about."

  He stopped walking in the middle of the driveway, but I just kept going without him. "Jovi," he said.

  I turned to glance at him, but didn't stop walking.

  "Jovi!" he yelled. I looked back to find that he was walking toward me with an impassive glare.

  "What?" I said, giving him a look that said he was being a little too intense.

  "Are you being serious right now, or are you just messing with me?"

  I stared right into his eyes. The sun was going down, and his dark eyes looked right through me. "I'm serious."

  "Do you just walk around telling people that?"

  "No." I hesitated. "But I figured I should just go ahead and own up to it since it's inevitable that everyone's gonna find out the truth sometime."

  "Why do people need to know?" he asked.

  "Are you suggesting I try to keep it a secret?" I said. I let out a little laugh. "I guess it's pretty messed up when the first person you tell recommends you not tell anyone else."

  "It is messed up, Jovi. Were you being serious?"

  "Yes, but it wasn't like that. It's not what your thinking. I wasn't a slave or anything. I didn't do anything I was uncomfortable with—" I broke off, thinking. "A few times I was a little uncomfortable, but mostly I was—"

  "Jovi, I can't even fathom that you're telling me the truth right now. I'm really sorry that's been your life, but I think you should just try to start over. I definitely don't think you should tell anybody."

  I laughed again. "There's no way my past won't follow me," I said. "If I got my heart set on a clean slate I would just be disappointed. People in the world just can't keep secrets. It's a fact. At least three people in this town know my whole story—Earl, Coleen, and my therapist—actually, four because now there's you. My dad and aunt know where I am and there's a chance they'll look for me at some point. There's just no way I can completely get away from my past, so I might as well just embrace it."

  I started walking again.

  "The path's this way," he said. I looked back at him and he pointed in the opposite direction of where I was headed.

  "I thought I saw it over here," I said, gesturing in the direction I was going.

  "That one takes longer," he said.

  I gave him a skeptical look, but followed him anyway.

  "I honestly don't think the Mitchells will tell anyone something they think would hurt you," he said.

  "Well, I guess it's too late to really worry about it since I've already told you."

  "I won't tell anyone."

  I laughed.

  "What?" he asked.

  "There's no such thing as not telling anyone. Everybody tells someone. Your someone is probably that girlfriend of yours, and once she knows, the whole school will know. It's okay," I said. "I wouldn't have told you if I had any expectations of keeping it a secret."

  He stopped on the path and pulled at my arm until I stopped and turned to look at him. "I won't tell another soul, Jovi, I promise. And I really don't think the Mitchells will either—especially since it's their kids who did all that messed up shit to you in the first place."

  I smiled at the sound of the profanity coming out of that wholesome mouth of his. His expression was sincere as he stared at me.

  "Okay, so maybe I won't go around announcing my sins to everyone, but you should know that I won't blame you when you accidently tell your girlfriend or your mom." I paused before continuing. "I'm surprised you even still want me to come to your house to
meet your sister. You should probably tell her about it just so she'll be cautious when hanging out with me."

  "Stop telling me what to do."

  I laughed. "What'd you say?"

  "You heard me," he said. "You don't know me well enough to assume I have to run off and share every piece of information I have."

  We walked in silence for a few strides. "I'm just saying, there are now at least four people besides me in town who know what happened, and I don't have my heart set on being able to pretend like I'm some perfect little virgin for the rest of my life."

  "No one's asking you to pretend," he said.

  We walked in silence for a minute.

  "It really pisses me off that you went through that," he finally said. I had no idea what he was thinking that whole time, and his statement surprised me. I just looked at him. "Did you say you were thirteen when you first started doing that?"

  "Yes."

  Caleb's stride lengthened and he clinched his fists. I glanced at him to see that his jaw was set.

  "What's wrong with you?" I asked.

  He stopped walking and turned to look at me, letting his eyes roam over my face. His expression was serious, but I really had no idea what he was thinking.

  "I am so pissed at your dad and aunt right now that I want to get in my truck and go find them," he said. "Are they the Mitchell's kids? Did they give birth to the people who did that to you?" He pointed at Earl and Coleen's house as if he was about to march over there and find the information he needed to start the manhunt.

  "They're twins. They are Earl's kids but not Coleen's. Coleen is his second wife. He married her after my grandma left him."

  "What happened to your grandma?"

  "She died when I was little. Then my mom died too. My dad stayed around as long as he could but then left me with my aunt. She's the one you want to murder right now, but honestly, it's not as bad as you think. Like I said, I wasn't a slave or anything."

  "Stop taking up for her. You should have never had the option to sleep with someone for money at thirteen. Did she make you sleep with guys and then take part of the money like a pimp?"

  I gave him an offended look. "I mean, she took some off the top for rent and food and stuff, but it wasn't like that."

  "You keep saying it wasn't like that. What was it like? I don't think you were having tea parties like most thirteen-year-olds."

  "Oh please, don't act like it's a big deal for teenagers to have sex. You're a hypocrite if you give me a hard time. Don't act like you're not sleeping with that girlfriend of yours."

  "I'm not," he said.

  I laughed and started walking again as I swatted a mosquito from my arm. It was dark now and we were in a field between the two families houses. The path that we were on took us around the back of his family's property and we were much further from the house than we would have been if we would have used the other path.

  "I'm not sleeping with Rose."

  "That's bullshit and you know it. Your mom said you and her have been together a long time. Don't act like you don't tap that."

  "Did you just say tap that? Who are you, 50 Cent?"

  I laughed again. "I'm just saying… don't act like I'm the only one who's having sex."

  "I'm seriously not having sex with her."

  I stopped walking and cocked my head at him. "You don't expect me to believe you’re a virgin, do you?"

  "You don't have to believe it, but I am."

  I couldn't help but let another laugh escape. I looked him over from head to toe. He was bigger than most of the guys I went to school with in New York and carried himself like a man.

  "Don't worry, I'm not a saint. It's not by choice," he said. "Rose wants to wait."

  "Why don't you just cheat on her? You know, get a little something on the side?"

  "Because I don't cheat."

  "See, you are a saint."

  "No I’m not. I give her a hard time constantly about not wanting to do it. I push her to do the absolute max she's comfortable with."

  "You make her give you cap?"

  He laughed. "Cap? You're seriously gangsta. Do you listen to rap music or something?"

  "I listen to everything. I love music, period."

  He smiled like he didn't quite know what to make of me. "No, she doesn't give me cap."

  "I can't believe you're seriously with a girl who won't have sex with you. It's just crazy that someone who looks like you isn't having sex with his girlfriend."

  "What do you mean looks like me?"

  I gestured in his general direction. "You know, you look all hot and manly. I just never expected to hear you say you and your little girlfriend were Puritans."

  "We're not Puritans. She just doesn't want to do it till we get married. It's not that big of a deal."

  "Do other people at this high school do that? If so, it's no wonder you didn't want me to tell people. I'd probably get burned at the stake." I looked toward his house. "This is not the short path," I said.

  "I know, I just took this one so you could see the barn."

  "I really don't care about seeing the barn," I said, "especially now that it's dark."

  "You need to meet Cucumber."

  "What's Cucumber?"

  "She's a horse—one of our mares. I think you two will like each other."

  "I don't really like horses," I said. "I've seen cops riding them before, but I've never even touched one."

  "I don't really like horses either. They're more my dad and brother's thing. I don't ride much. But I do come out here and talk to Cucumber every once in while. She's a good girl, and we're already here, so I'm gonna introduce you." By that time, we'd made our way into the barn. It wasn't at all what I expected. He flipped a switch turning on the overhead lights. It was clean and organized and the animals had their own individual stalls that lined the main hallway.

  "How many horses do you have?"

  "We have four right now, but sometimes as many as six." He stopped in front of Cucumber's stall and made a clicking sound with his mouth. A massive black head came over the gate, startling me. I gasped and held a hand to my chest, which made him laugh.

  "She's really big," I said.

  "She's a draft horse," he said. "And I'm pretty sure she understands me when I talk to her."

  "Is that your nice way of saying I need a friend?"

  "No, I'm going to introduce you to my sister for that. I just figured you'd like to meet Cucumber."

  "I do like her," I said in a cooing tone as I stroked her gigantic face. I was looking at the horse but I could see Caleb smiling from the corner of my eye.

  "I told you she was cool," he said.

  I looked at him. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

  "Why should I act any other way?"

  "I wouldn't blame you if you think I'm a freak after everything I told you. I'm perfectly aware that the things I've done make me a big whore."

  He flinched. "Don't say that."

  "What, whore? It's the truth. I can't run from my past."

  "You can start over."

  "No I can't. There are just some things you can't get back. I'm smart enough to know that my past will affect my future. There's just no way of getting past some things."

  He was quiet for a second.

  "It doesn't have to be like that," he said finally.

  I gave him a smile. He was trying to be nice and I knew I shouldn't argue with him. "You shouldn't waste your time worrying about it," I said. "Just let my therapist worry about how to fix me."

  "You're not broken."

  I narrowed my eyes and gave him a wry smile. "Oh I'm so broken I don't even know which way is up," I said. "I make Humpy Dumpty look fixed."

  "Why can't you just start fresh?" he asked.

  "Why can't you just drop it?" I asked. I looked at Cucumber for some support. "Can you help me here, girl?" I asked, stroking her big cheek. She shook her head. She wasn't answering my question; she just happened to shake her head right when I
asked it. Caleb and I looked at each other and both busted out laughing.

  "See?" he said. "She sees it my way."

  "I thought I saw you two come in here," we heard a voice say. We both turned to the barn door and saw his mom walking toward us with a big smile. "I thought you might bring her back here to meet Cucumber." She looked at me. "Caleb doesn't ride much, but he loves Cucumber." She smiled and looked back at her son. "I told Dad I would come check on Buster," she said.

  "What's wrong with him?"

  "He had a little spot on his leg that got infected, but Dr. Brody came out today and got him all fixed up." She went to the stall across from Cucumber and peered over the gate to check on Buster. Caleb went to stand beside her, but I just stayed there with Cucumber. "Esther and Rose are on their way," she told him.

  I buried my face into Cucumber's neck so that Bonnie and Caleb couldn't see me roll my eyes. Rose, the perfect little virgin girlfriend, was just about the last person in the world I felt like meeting right then.

  Chapter 5

  Bonnie went back to the house after checking on the sick horse, leaving Caleb and I in the barn by ourselves. I'd been standing next to Cucumber the whole time. She had her head over the gate and seemed content to just stand there and let me pet her. I'd never been in a barn before, and the thing that surprised me the most was that it didn't smell as bad as I thought. I always assumed that barns were just big outhouses for animals, but I'd been in alleys that smelled far worse. I could smell hay and leather, but not much else until Caleb walked back over to where I was standing.

  He came closer to me than he ever had, and I caught a whiff of him. For a second, my gut clinched with that familiar excitement I felt when I was attracted to a guy, but I quickly snapped out of it. He reached over me to give Cucumber a few slaps to the neck, and I had no choice but to notice him. He towered over me, and was taller than most of the guys I'd been with, even though he was one of the youngest. One time, one of my regular boyfriends bought his nephew a night with me for his eighteenth birthday, but that was the youngest guy I'd ever been with.