Lying in the dark, holding Mariah, surrounded by her scent, I was awed by her ability to conquer her worst fear. That she’d opened herself up to me, gone along and stayed with me until that one golden moment when her expression went from anxious to rapturous joy – I’d never forget it as long as I lived. The air around her shimmered, and her eyes became a shade of blue I couldn’t name. Like nothing I’d ever seen.
Listening to her soft breath and Olga’s purr, I was enveloped in a euphoric post-sex moment of peace so calm and tranquil, my soul had no room for guilt.
I fell asleep happier than I’d ever been in my long life.
And woke up with the worst guilt trip I could imagine. She was still next to me, so soft and trusting, her breath against my chest, her sweet beautiful face relaxed and a little smile on her lips. What did she dream? Something wonderful. And when she woke up, I’d kill that smile, murder the bond between us.
It had to be late in the morning because the light shining through the break in the drapes was intense, and a thousand birds were chirping. I could hear voices from downstairs, Hans banging pots and pans, Deacon intoning instructions for the Purgatories. No words, but voices. I heard Key, who sounded close to singing, he was so happy.
That’s when I remembered they would all know about the mark. No hiding what I’d done to Mariah last night.
I closed my eyes and wished for the four hundred billionth time that I could make this work, that I could do as Zee said and change to be the guy she needed.
How did a person change? Where would I even start?
I had no idea. All I knew was that she deserved someone who wasn’t me, one of my brothers who could make her happy. He’d replace my mark with his and I’d want to kill him, but I’d have to stand aside and let it happen and carry on. The past 125 years had sucked, but the rest of eternity promised to be Hell of my own making because I couldn’t let go of who I was.
You don’t really know who you are, do you? Zee’s words came back to me and I realized the truth to them. I’d remained a celibate, guilt-ridden control freak for so long, I couldn’t remember what it was like before Jane. I didn’t know what was important to me, what it meant to wake up and look forward to the day, how it would feel to accomplish a goal. My whole existence was takedown plans and guilt. I wasn’t a guy, a friend, a brother – I was a robot.
“Hey,” she whispered sleepily, sliding her leg between mine, tightening her arm around my middle, gently stroking my back.
That was all it took. I was hard and ready all over again.
I made love to her again, and this time, she wasn’t afraid at all. She smiled up at me and my heart raced and I forgot all about my plan to disclaim her.
In the afterglow, she mumbled against my shoulder, “I’m starving. I mean, I could eat ten eggs and a pound of bacon and a million waffles and—”
“I think we slept through breakfast. I hear Hans prepping for lunch.”
“Then I’ll eat cheeseburgers.”
“Hans will be insulted if we ask for cheeseburgers.”
“Doesn’t he ever cook boring food? I love cheeseburgers, and it’s not like I ever got to eat many.”
“I’ll get you some cheeseburgers.”
“And fries and a chocolate shake?”
I grinned. “Whatever you want.”
She buried her face in my neck and whispered, “All I really want is you.”
Now was the time to tell her. Now. Right now. This minute. Get out of bed, put your boxers on, and tell her. Before you take another breath.
I kissed her and whispered, “Stay here and I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”
I popped to my room, pulled on some jeans, a T-shirt I grabbed from a chair, and some stupid looking house slipper things with sheep shearling that Mercy had brought Thursday. Grabbing my coat, I fished out some money and shoved it into my pocket, then popped to Shake Shack in New York, the one at midtown, and ordered six cheeseburgers, three orders of fries, and two large chocolate shakes. It was Saturday, the restaurant packed with what seemed like a thousand kids, and my order took forever. While I stood around and waited, Eryx walked through the door. He smiled at me.
I didn’t smile back.
“Nice shoes.”
“I was in a hurry.”
“Was there a fire?” He was clearly offended by my footwear. He, of course, was dressed in GQ style, as always.
I hated him, loathed him, but had to admit, he had excellent taste in clothes. I wished I cared enough to be a sharp dressed man. “What do you want?”
“Checking on Mariah. Have you seen her today?”
Alarms began to sound in my head and the tiny army was shouting, Danger! “Of course I’ve seen her. Why?”
He peered at me curiously for a while. “You don’t know, do you?”
The army was ready to shoot arrows, chuck spears, swing broadswords. “Know what?”
He grinned. “She’s wily, Phoenix. Has a poker face to beat the best of them. You should pay more attention, and never underestimate her. I’m not surprised, really. She’s Jordan’s sister, after all.”
“And you would know what she’s like, how?”
“I got to know her ever so slightly last night, when she came for a visit.”
Aware of a tableful of children right behind me, I lowered my voice. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
He lost his smile and came closer. “Enjoy her company while you can. She’ll be with me as soon as Jordan is mine.”
“You’re a fool.” No way was he going to get a rise out of me. Not now. Not today. I’d go home and ask her what she’d done yesterday, if one of my brothers had taken her off the mountain. I was already angry about that – I couldn’t waste energy on Eryx.
“I suppose we’re all fools at one time or another. For instance, you never comprehended how important Jane’s sister was to her, not until it was too late. I wonder if you’ll make the same mistake with Mariah?”
“She’ll be Mephisto, but not mine.”
“Unlike her, you’re so bloody transparent, I know exactly what’s going through your mind right now. You’re wondering how I could have taken her and no one was ever aware. No alarm was sounded, no rescue party came after her. Poor Mariah, it’s as if she’s doomed to be invisible, always on the fringe, the forgotten one. She’s not flashy, is she? Quiet and calm, beautiful in an understated way, but underneath it all is brilliance and rage I’d respect if I were you. She’s unafraid of anything.”
My mind was reeling. How had he taken her? From where? Who was she with?
“As usual, you’ll focus on things that don’t matter at all. You’ll want to exact revenge on whomever wasn’t careful with your little chippy, instead of learning more about her. I made her immortal, Phoenix.”
I was speechless. Why? What did he think to gain by making her immortal? Because Eryx never did anything that wouldn’t somehow be of benefit to himself. How had he done it? Did she suffer? My hands clenched and I had to hold myself back from attacking him. He’d frightened her. He killed her.
But she came back. For him. My confusion ramped up to severe anxiety. Everything was getting away from me.
“I see that shocks you, but will you ask her what happened? Will she tell you she visited Hell on Earth? No, not unless you ask, but you won’t. You’ll spend time trying to figure out how this could have happened, who’s to blame, and all the while, she’ll be there, waiting for someone to notice her, to pay her the attention she deserves. She’ll get tired of waiting and come to me, to Jordan. There’s nothing in the universe more precious to her than her blood, her sister.”
For Jordan. He’d made her immortal so she could stay with Jordan. His obsession had taken him so far off of his usual path, he was unrecognizable, like a monster in the forest who steps into sunlight and is revealed to be nothing but a humble woodsman. For the first time since he’d jumped, I felt almost sorry for Eryx. He’d bought into the delusion that he could have Jordan, and
he wanted her enough to abandon his quest. It was surely temporary. Once he realized he would never have her, he’d return to his old self with a vengeance.
“She gave up a lot for Jordan, didn’t she?”
“How would you know?”
“I have people in Bucharest, investigating. She’s had a terrible life, but she’s resilient and strong. And she’d do it all again for her sister. A little like Jane and Georgiana.”
“You lied to Jane.”
“And because she loved Georgiana with such a pure heart, she risked believing me. I intended to take her home, Phoenix, where she’d marry a like-minded do-gooder aristocrat and live to be an old lady.”
“You can rewrite history all you like, but it doesn’t change reality.”
He came still closer. “She loved you. I don’t know why, but she did. When she realized what she’d done, she was hysterical because it meant she could never be with you. I killed her because she wouldn’t have married the aristocrat and moved on. She’d lost Georgiana, Anabo, and you. She went a little mad, Phoenix. As much as I enjoyed your misery, that wasn’t my primary reason for taking her life. It was mercy.”
“If I didn’t want to punch you in the face, I’d laugh. The last time you felt mercy was the night you killed our mother.”
“You’re probably right.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now. She’s dead and you’ve moved on, haven’t you? It’s a bit of a repeat, except the stakes are a lot higher. You didn’t love Jane, but you’re deep in it with Mariah, aren’t you? I can smell her on you, brother.”
He turned to walk back to the door, and said over his shoulder, just before he pushed outside, “She’s not like Jane at all.” He looked back at me. “But you know that better than anyone, don’t you?”
Then he was gone.
Waiting became torture. I almost left without my order, so anxious to get home and ask Mariah what happened. I remembered how exhausted she was last night. Newly made immortals usually slept an enormous lot just after they were brought back. They were ravenously hungry until their metabolism evened out, typically a week or two. I’d taken her at her word about being tired, and passed off her enormous hunger to Mephisto. Once an Anabo began the change, she was far hungrier than usual.
But not like an immortal.
How had it happened? Was she afraid? I wanted to be with her when she crossed, and not only was I not, neither was anyone else. Just Eryx. Of all people. Had he been cruel to her? Why hadn’t she told me? After I had picked her up from the chair and carried her to bed and laid down beside her, she woke up and kissed me. She let me make love to her and never said a word about what happened to her.
Somewhere between a kid running into me as he barreled toward a table and an elderly man asking where to find the ketchup, the obvious truth hit me like a sledgehammer. Her immortality meant my mark was permanent.
I should have been upset. I should have railed at fate and my own stupidity and selfishness. I should have been buried in an avalanche of guilt, not only for her, but for Zee. Had he been serious last night, or was his decision to go for her a result of freaking out because he’d just found Euri? It no longer mattered, did it? Mariah was mine. All mine. Forever. At a minimum, I should have worried about her, and her future happiness.
Instead, I wanted to stand on a table and announce to everybody at Shake Shack that I was the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet. I wanted to throw my arms up in the air and shout, “Fuckin’ A!”
Finally, the burgers were ready. I claimed the bags, walked outside to the crowded sidewalk and disappeared, popping back to her room. She sat in the middle of the bed, cross-legged, still naked, pointing a remote at the TV that now hung on the wall beside the fireplace, flipping channels. “Zee must have brought it yesterday, while I was gone. Do you know how awesome this is? I can understand everything they say. Look, this lady is talking about Jordan’s dad.” She frowned. “But she’s being a real nasty hag about him.” The channel changed. “Oh, cartoons!” Finally, she looked at me, her gaze moving to my feet. “Nice shoes.”
“I was kind of in a hurry.” I couldn’t believe it, but a lump formed in my throat. She knew. Last night, she knew what it meant to have sex with me and she did it anyway. In her own quiet unassuming way, she accepted me as I was. Overcome, I set the bags on the small desk.
She moved over and patted the bed next to her. “Let’s be heathens and eat right here.”
I pulled off my T-shirt and spread it on the bed like a picnic blanket, then emptied the bags in the middle. Ditching the shoes, I took a seat beside her and we watched Bugs Bunny while we ate.
“These are delicious,” she said, halfway through her second burger. “Where’d you go?”
“Shake Shack in New York.”
“Let’s go to New York. I want to see the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building, and all the museums. I know we can transport there, but could we maybe fly? I’ve never been on an airplane before. Oh, and can we go to the opera? I’ve always wanted to see an opera.”
“We’ll go wherever you like. Guess who I ran into at Shake Shack?”
“Eryx?”
I jerked my head around. “How did you know?”
She shrugged and reached for her third burger. “You look weird, like you’re afraid and excited and maybe you’d like to cry. When you left, you were very chill, and since I seriously doubt anything at a burger box place would make you want to cry, I assume the person you ran into was Eryx, who’s been stalking all of you lately, and he told you what he did to me.”
“When were you going to tell me?”
“As soon as I finished these cheeseburgers.” She waved her hand toward the TV. “Let’s see the end of Bugs Bunny and I’ll tell you all about it.”
There was such an element of surreal comedy to it, what could I do but go along with her? I ate my food and watched cartoons and continued reveling in absolute unequivocal glee.
When Bugs was done and I’d taken all the trash to the bathroom and tossed it, I went back to her bed, stripped off my jeans and laid down, pulling her with me. I kissed her and her mouth was cold and chocolaty. She reached between us, wrapped her hand around me, and mumbled against my lips, “Insatiable.”
Our third time, and it was nothing like the first two. I was bemused. To me, sex was always sex. Different face, different girl, different language – but the mechanics were always the same and my objective never wavered.
With Mariah, it was like it had been in the very beginning, when we first joined humanity in the real world, when we figured out how to attract females into dark places. Every touch, every caress, every look, every kiss felt new and different. It took all my self-control not to be too aggressive, too over-the-top. She was small and delicate, still hesitant and unsure of herself, of me.
In the middle of things, I slipped. My self-control took a walk.
“Phoenix, what are you doing?”
Carrying her to the chair by the fire, I said, “Remember when I told you to imagine you’re Danielle and I’m Rupert?”
“I remember, but—”
“This is me not being Rupert. He was a nice guy. Mr. Gentleman. I’m not nice, Mariah.” I sat and turned her so she had to straddle my thighs. Watching her eyes widen in surprise as I maneuvered her body to slide down onto me, I was gratified.
“Oh,” she whispered. “Oh.”
Her scent was heady, as if I stood in a field of heather. Her eyes were closer to midnight blue. I slipped my hands into her hair and cradled her head while I pulled her close for a deep, hot kiss. “Move for me,” I whispered. I was insane with need for her. “Make it happen for you, Mariah.”
She began slowly, shyly, but it wasn’t long before she forgot to be self-conscious. She loved the control, reveled in her ability to set the rhythm. I have no idea how I lasted as long as I did. Watching her was tantalizing and so erotic, the sway of her perfect breasts, the rise and fall of her breath as it increased, the tightening of her m
uscles around me – I was scarcely a nanosecond behind her climax. Her head went back and she cried out, her body quivering. As I completed, I snatched her close to hold her tight against me. I never wanted to let her go. I would never let her go. She was mine, and I was overcome with protectiveness and aching affection for her.
We stayed like that for a while before I gathered her up and carried her back to the bed. She snuggled beneath the covers, her eyes drifting closed.
I laid down next to her. “Now would be a good time to tell me.”
She burrowed deeper under the covers. “Mm, yeah, but let’s take a nap first.”
If I let her go back to sleep, it’d be hours before she’d wake up. I moved on the bed to lean against the headboard, and pulled her along with me, propping her against the pillows, pulling the covers up to her waist. “I promise you can sleep all you want, just as soon as you tell me.”
She pulled the covers up farther, covering her breasts, but not before I noticed her birthmark. She was almost entirely changed to that unique blend of Anabo and Mephisto that would allow her to take out the lost souls, and still have the capacity to love me.
Probably a very bad idea to think about that at the moment. We were friends, and now we were friends with benefits. Could I love her? I didn’t know, mostly because I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant to love someone. I loved my brothers, and I loved Sasha. I didn’t doubt I’d someday love Jordan. I loved Mathilda and Deacon and Hans – all the Purgatories meant something to me. And the Luminas.
But to love a woman selflessly and completely? How did that happen? And how could she ever love me if I didn’t love her? Eryx was right. Jane had loved me, but I realized now it was more like the love I felt for Sasha. Close and warm, but not intimate. When we became intimate, it was a disaster. She’d cried and sobbed and wanted her sister. I’d felt like an ass, and there’d been so much blood, I was totally freaked out. In retrospect, it hadn’t been that much, but I’d expected a little spot. Instead . . . what I didn’t know about females was pretty much everything. I said I was sorry at least fifty times, until she told me to stop, to just leave her alone for a while so she could pull herself together. That’s when I left, and I knew I wasn’t going back.
Only You (The Mephisto Covenant Series) Page 29
