One Perfect Pirouette

by Sherryl Clark

  The hall was darker than I expected, but at least the gym mats and chairs were still all stacked to one side. I changed into my ballet shoes, tied the ribbons and warmed up before fetching a chair to be my barre. It wasn’t easy doing the exercises without a mirror to check that my arms and legs were correct, but I’d spent a lot of time back home in front of the mirror until I was sure I could do it on my own. I’d even had photos on the wall next to me for comparison.

  The rhythm of the battement frappe soothed me and I focused completely, moving on to the leg movements that worked my hips and strengthened everything from tummy to toe. In the centre, it was so tempting to start pirouettes and jumps, but I stuck to my routine and felt my arms and legs stretch and ache.

  By the time I got to pirouettes, the hall was so dark I could hardly see the mats on the floor, so I stayed near the glass doors at the front. The warm-up was vital because, to be honest, I sucked at pirouettes. I could do one or two okay, but then something went wrong and my eyes would swing away and I’d get off balance. This was why I had to keep sneaking into the hall – I had to have the extra floor room to get them right. What if the audition involved pirouettes? Balance was so important.

  I had to work harder and harder, had to be able to pirouette all the way across the hall without overbalancing. Sweat soaked my T-shirt and I alternated the pirouettes with small jumps, but after half an hour, I still couldn’t do more than three without teetering and toppling. I stood in the centre, breathing hard, eyes closed, visualising a perfect sequence of pirouettes. Why couldn’t I do it? I wanted to scream. My eyes popped open. The hall was pitch dark. What was the time?

  Six o’clock! Mum and Dad would be searching the streets for me. I had to run. I caught my T-shirt on the window lock and heard a ripping noise as I dropped to the ground. With the window shut, I bolted from the school grounds, praying that maybe they were late home from work and hadn’t noticed I wasn’t there. By the time I reached our street, my chest burned and I was sucking in great gasping breaths. Please, let them be late home, please let them not notice me missing.

  It wasn’t going to happen. All the lights in our house were blazing and Dad stood on the front steps with a torch, about to come looking for me.

  ‘Where the hell have you been?’ he exploded when he caught sight of me.

  ‘I’m sorry, Dad, really, I was at school.’

  ‘Doing what? School finishes at three.’

  ‘I was dancing in the hall.’

  ‘Why didn’t the teacher let us know?’

  ‘Because … I was on my own, you know, like I used to be at the scout hall.’

  ‘Brynna –’ He took a deep breath and put the torch down on the railing. ‘This is not the country, for god’s sake. We don’t know this neighbourhood and it’s not the same as back home. It’s dangerous after dark, for anyone, let alone a kid your age.’

  ‘I know,’ I said, my voice small, my hands tucked under my arms. ‘I just needed to practise, and there’s nowhere else.’

  Mum rushed out the front door and grabbed me. ‘You’re safe!’ She hugged me, then shook me. ‘You had us worried sick.’

  ‘She was in the school hall, on her own,’ Dad said. I didn’t like his tone.

  ‘What for? Oh, for your ballet.’ She let go of me and sat on the front step, head bowed, one hand clutching her hair. ‘What a mess. What are we doing?’

  ‘I was only a little bit late!’ I cried. ‘Nothing happened!’

  ‘It’s your brother,’ Mum said. She looked up and there were tears in her eyes, tears that made my face go icy cold. ‘He got in a fight after school and the other kids gave him a hiding. He won’t go to the hospital.’

  ‘Is he okay?’ The ice crept down through my arms and legs and I shuddered. What was happening to my family?

  Dad’s mouth twisted and he looked like he didn’t know what to do with his hands. He ended up shoving them deep into his pockets. ‘He’s got cuts on his face and hands, and bruising.’

  Mum sighed, got to her feet and shooed us all back inside to the kitchen. Orrin sat there doing his homework with a cup of coffee. He glanced at me and raised his eyebrows, but I ignored him. I knew what was coming, and dread crawled over me.

  ‘It’s time for a family meeting,’ Mum said. ‘Get Tam out of his room, please, Orrin. I won’t take no for an answer.’

  After a few muffled shouts, Tam joined us, his face surly and dark. He thumped down in his chair like he’d been asked to turn up for a lynching.

  Dad sat at the head of the table, Mum at the foot by the fridge, but as usual Mum was in charge of the meeting. Dad always listened and thought about stuff, and if he decided something, then that was it. Tam and Orrin never thought this was fair, especially if it went against them, but I’d never worried about it before. I had a horrible feeling that Dad’s decision was about to go against me.

  Tam slouched in his chair and his face made me feel sick. He had a big lump over one eye, a cut on his mouth that was swelling and purple and another cut on his hand. He’d cleaned off most of the blood and put bandaids on his hand, but they were soaked. He stared down at the table. I tried not to gawk at him, but it was hard – he didn’t look anything like the Tam I knew.

  ‘Right,’ said Mum, ‘we need to talk about a few things. Brynna, I want to know why you were so late.’

  I’d already told them! But clearly, Mum expected me to explain again. ‘I was in the hall at school, dancing. Doing exercises and pirouettes and jumps. I can’t do that stuff here. There’s no room and no wooden floor.’

  ‘Who said you could use the hall unsupervised?’

  This was what I was really in trouble for. Funny how I’d been so scared of the school finding out. ‘Nobody. I sneaked in through a toilet window.’

  ‘Geez, Brynna,’ Orrin said.

  Tam’s mouth twitched.

  ‘That was stupid,’ said Mum. ‘If anyone had caught you, you would’ve been expelled. Then what would we do?’

  ‘Go back home.’ There was a catch in Tam’s voice.

  Mum looked at him. ‘And what happened to you?’

  ‘Told you. Kids from school bashed me up.’

  ‘Why?’

  He snorted. ‘Do they need a reason?’

  ‘Yes. What did you do?’

  Tam leapt up like a rocket launching. ‘Why are you trying to make this my fault? This is where we live, for god’s sake! In a city where people knife each other every second day. They don’t need a reason.’

  ‘Dad’ll go to school with you tomorrow and make them do something about it.’

  ‘What for?’ Tam shouted. ‘Do you think it’ll make the slightest bit of difference? You go in there and complain and next time the knife’ll be in my guts – not across my hand.’

  ‘Don’t shout, please.’

  Tam’s face darkened and his eyes glittered. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. I’ve already fixed it.’

  I’d never heard Tam talk like this before. He’d always been a bit short-tempered, but now he was burning with rage. His hands were clenched as if he was ready to punch one of us. My stomach tightened into a giant knot and I held my breath.

  ‘I hope you’re not going to do something silly,’ Mum said. She sent Dad a pleading glance – the meeting was getting away from her. He frowned, but didn’t say anything; just waited to hear what Tam said.

  ‘I’m going back to Bendigo,’ Tam choked out, ‘back to my own school. I’ve already rung Uncle Tony and he said I can stay with them.’

  ‘But –’ Mum tried and Tam kept talking.

  ‘There’s no use you arguing about it, because that’s what I’m doing. I might not be old enough to leave school yet, but I know where I want to be. I’d rather die than stay here and go to that school again.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have asked Tony – you’re not his responsibility,’ Mum said.

  ‘Well, you weren’t going to! You were going to let me rot – all so Miss Ballet Star here could follo
w her dream.’ Tam sneered at me. ‘No one else in this family is allowed to have a dream, from what I can see. So I’ll work my own out.’

  I was speechless, but at last Dad said something. ‘What is your dream, Tam?’

  ‘To stay alive’d be nice,’ he said. ‘But I want to be a blacksmith, like Old Teddy Allen. He said if I finished school, he’d take me on as an apprentice.’

  ‘Did he?’ Dad raised his eyebrows. ‘When did he say that?’

  ‘Before we came down to this stupid place. I would’ve told you, but it’s pretty obvious no one gives a stuff about what I might want.’

  ‘What about you, Orrin?’ Dad said. ‘What’s your dream?’

  ‘Professional football player.’ Orrin nodded. ‘I’m happy down here because I reckon I’ll get a better chance at trying out for the Juniors. I’m going over to the Bulldogs camp next week to talk to someone.’

  ‘Are you?’ Dad’s eyebrows were about to jump right off his head, but I couldn’t even raise a smile. What Tam had said sat in my stomach.

  ‘I don’t want our family to be split up,’ said Mum.

  ‘That’s too bad, because I’m going to Uncle Tony’s, no matter what you say.’ Tam charged out of the room and the front door slammed.

  Mum tried to stand up, but Dad waved her down. ‘He won’t go far – not after today.’ He sighed. ‘He’s right, Jen. He could’ve been badly injured. If this has happened after only two days at that school, he’s better out of it.’

  ‘But we can’t afford to pay Tony his board and keep.’

  ‘We won’t have to,’ Dad said. ‘Tam can earn his own way by working for Tony after school and on weekends. It’ll keep him out of trouble as well. I’ll ring him and sort it out.’

  ‘Well, I don’t like it,’ Mum said. ‘It’s not right.’

  ‘Maybe not for us, but for Tam … he’s not stupid, you know. He’s thought it through, at least, and knows where he’s going.’ Dad shook his head. ‘Blacksmithing, eh?’

  ‘So is that it?’ Orrin stood up. ‘I’m going for a run.’ He left and it was just me at the table. I picked at the pattern on the cloth, wishing I could slink down and hide under my chair.

  ‘Now, Brynna, we need to talk about the hall,’ said Mum.

  I opened my mouth, wanting to explain, wanting to tell her I was sorry. Instead, tears flooded my eyes and rolled down my face; before I knew it, I was sobbing, my hands over my mouth. Dad shook his head and escaped, leaving Mum to deal with me. She came around to my chair, knelt down and hugged me gently.

  ‘It’s not the end of the world, you know. But you have to promise you won’t do it again. It’s trespassing and the school won’t like it.’

  I shook my head. I couldn’t speak.

  The hall was nothing; it was Tam.

  ‘Here, stop that crying,’ she said softly and, when I couldn’t, she made me a cup of hot Milo and sat next to me. ‘Drink some of this.’

  I managed a couple of swallows, which helped a bit and the sobs wound down into hiccuppy breaths. Finally, I whispered, ‘Tam hates me. Everyone hates me for making you all move down here.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ Mum said, but she didn’t sound convincing.

  ‘It is. I wish we’d never come. I’ll find a class in Bendigo and you and Dad can go back to Nan’s place and Orrin can –’

  ‘I don’t think Orrin wants to go home, do you?’ Mum smoothed my hair back off my face. ‘Brynnie, I’ve seen you dance. You have an incredible talent. If Mrs Calzotti hadn’t said so, I still would’ve seen it in you. Dad and I truly believe we have to give you every possible chance to be a dancer. But there’s one stumbling block.’

  ‘Tam?’

  ‘No, Tam will make his own way now. I wish I’d seen it sooner, what he needed, but we can deal with it. The stumbling block is you.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘A dancer’s life is impossibly hard. Whatever you’re feeling right now is nothing compared to the way it’ll be later on. Getting into the Ballet School is only the first of many hurdles.’

  ‘I know that.’ I knew she was trying to help, but this was all stuff I’d heard from her before.

  ‘You have to totally believe in yourself, in what you want, what your dream is. You have to pursue that dream, no matter what.’ She bit her lip. ‘I thought coming down here would strengthen your resolve.’

  ‘Why do you think I sneaked into the school hall? I really wanted to practise properly. That audition’s only a few weeks away.’

  ‘I know. And we’re doing all we can to get you there, but – you seem to want to be in this special class so everyone’ll think you’re worth it. But you’re the one who needs to feel that worth. That’s the bit we can’t do for you. Nobody can.’

  ‘You think I don’t believe in myself?’ Why she was saying all this? Again! Something did stir inside me, though.

  ‘So far, yes.’ She sighed. ‘But things will get harder, you know – not easier. There’ll always be people who are jealous, or who’ll try and make you do what they want. You might even find one or two who’ll do anything to stop you.’

  ‘How can they stop me getting into the Ballet School? You just said it was up to me, to believe in myself, no matter what.’

  ‘Yes, but –’ Her face was drawn, her eyes dark, and she massaged her leg absent-mindedly.

  ‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’

  She pressed her lips together, shook her head slightly. ‘Have you met any nice girls at school yet?’

  I stretched my leg out, curved my foot into an arch and avoided her gaze. ‘I guess. One girl in my class goes to Ms Ellergren’s.’ Now was the time to tell her about Jade and the netball problem, but somehow I couldn’t. It was as if Tam had created enough drama for one day and I could tell Mum was still feeling hurt and upset about him. So I lied. ‘Some of the other girls are friendly, too.’

  A smile spread across Mum’s face. ‘Good. That cheers me up a lot. Let’s get dinner started, shall we?’

  She levered herself up and went to the fridge; I sat and stared through the doorway at the shapes moving on the TV screen, my mind a million kilometres away.

  Mum had been going to tell me something, I was sure of it, but what? Was it about money? About Tam? I shivered, wrapped my arms around myself and edged closer to the heater. Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to ask right now. I had to concentrate on ballet and on proving that all this upheaval was worth it. I couldn’t let the family down, I couldn’t. But Mum was right. It wasn’t really about them, even though I felt so guilty sometimes. It had to be my own fight, my own dedication, one hundred per cent. And I was going to make it into the ballet school if it killed me.

  But it came back to the same problem – where was I going to practise? If I sneaked into the hall again and got caught, I’d be in major trouble. I’d have to go for a walk and check out the neighbourhood. Then I remembered Tam getting bashed. Maybe Dad was right. I couldn’t go out walking whenever I felt like it. But who did Tam fight with? Why? Was I in danger? I followed her to the kitchen.

  ‘Mum, what really happened to Tam? Why would those boys attack him for nothing?’

  The way she was stirring the mince was going to make a hole in the pot. ‘Tam won’t say what happened – he wants to blame everyone else. I think he provoked them, at least a bit. He’s angry with us and he paid out on someone else.’

  ‘He attacked them?’

  ‘No, I didn’t say that. But he didn’t walk away when he could have. Let’s leave it, shall we? No use going over it again. We can’t change it. Tam will be going back to Tony’s and that’ll make him happy.’

  I set the table for dinner, then headed for my tiny room out the back to unpack my school stuff. My mind buzzed with everything that had happened and I kept seeing Tam’s sullen face with the bruises and cuts. Well, he’d got what he wanted, so maybe it was a small price to pay.

  I hoped Orrin made it into his footy team and became a big star – then he’
d be happy for sure. As for me, I kept hearing Mum’s words about needing to believe in myself.

  I wished it was something real, like a gold charm, that I could hold onto and feel in my hand, but I knew it wasn’t. Despite what Mum said, I was going to try out for that class and give it my total best. Maybe tomorrow I could find another dance space, along with a few flying pigs!

  chapter 7

  At school the next morning, Lucy and Jade pounced on me just inside the gates. ‘Training after school tonight' Jade said. ‘You gonna be there?’

  I pulled my backpack off and pretended to adjust a strap, while my brain scrambled to find an answer. I’d pushed aside the netball team again, what with the fuss over Tam and getting into trouble myself.

  ‘I forgot to ask Mum' I said. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘You’re kidding.’ Jade scowled as she bounced the ball a couple of times. ‘What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘Nothing. It was just that we –’ No way was I telling them about our family problems.

  Jade turned her back on me and walked away. Lucy shrugged. ‘She reckons you think you’re too good for her team,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t think that. Why’s everyone getting in a snit about this?’

  ‘We’re not in a snit!’ And she marched off to join Jade.

  So in two days I’d gone from having at least one friend to being frozen out. No wonder Tam lost his temper. Was everyone round here like this? Josie never treated me like I had a disease.

  After silent reading, we had maths and I tried hard to concentrate, but my brain churned round and round, worrying about Jade and Lucy and then zooming in again on the problem of where I could practise. I’d shoved my ballet shoes into my school bag – just in case – and it was as if they were sending me signals. We want to get out and dance.