A Family Affair

by Nancy Carson

  As she stood in the foyer with Posy clutching her hand, the memories of the wonderfully romantic and emotional hours they’d spent there together came flooding back. It had been more than three years and yet it could have been yesterday. Little had changed materially. There were still some photos of her displayed on the wall and, she noticed, some newer ones – of Daniel. She wallowed in the memories and the ambience for a little while before she rang the bell. This place had brought her such contentment during those precious hours she’d shared it with Tom; precious hours when she had never known such happiness. In those days she would have wagered any money that nothing could ever happen to cause them to part, so certain was she of their future together.

  The inner door opened and Tom appeared. His face lit up like a lamp.

  ‘Clover.’

  ‘Hello, Tom. I brought Posy to have her photo done,’ she explained superfluously. ‘Is it convenient?’

  ‘’Course it is,’ he answered warmly. ‘Come on through.’ He lifted the counter top that concealed the half-door that gave her access and she followed him into the studio. She looked around. It was exactly the same as she remembered. Everything was there that had been there before, including the bearskin rug. Images of them rolling around on it naked flashed into her mind and the blood coursed through her veins at the memory.

  ‘I’m glad you came at last,’ he said. ‘I’d given up hope of you coming at all.’

  ‘It was a question of finding the right moment, Tom,’ she fibbed. ‘I always intended to come. I always intended Posy should have her photo done, once you’d mentioned it.’

  Tom stooped down and took Posy’s hand. ‘You’re just like your mommy,’ he said gently. ‘Has anybody else told you that?’

  Posy smiled bashfully and looked to her mother for help.

  ‘One or two have said the same thing,’ Clover said. ‘Haven’t they, sweetheart?’

  The child nodded coyly.

  ‘I think you’re a very lucky girl to be so much like your mommy. Your mommy’s beautiful as well, isn’t she?’

  Posy smiled and nodded once more.

  ‘So we’re going to take a picture of you to show all your friends. And when you’re a lady you’ll be able to show it to all your men friends and say, “Look, this is me when I was just a little girl”.’ He let go of the girl’s hand and stood up. To Clover, he said: ‘She’s so pleasant, Clover. We’ll get some lovely photos.’

  ‘How’s Daniel? Is he all right?’

  ‘Oh, he’s fine. The apple of my eye.’

  She smiled. ‘I’m pleased. It’s good to know you’ve taken so well to fatherhood.’

  ‘Life has changed so much, Clover, but I wouldn’t be without him.’

  Clover sighed. It was going to be so difficult to tell him Ramona’s secret.

  ‘Well, let’s get cracking,’ Tom said. ‘I’ll just get some plates for my camera.’

  ‘That’s a different camera,’ Clover observed. ‘You’ve changed it.’

  ‘You noticed.’ He smiled with pleasure at her remembering. ‘I’ve had this one about two years. It’s more modern than the old one and it’s got a better lens with more shutter speeds.’ He put a plate in the camera. ‘How do you want her? Any ideas?’

  Clover shrugged. ‘How do little girls normally pose?’

  He asked Posy to sit on the piano stool with her hands resting on it at her sides. He asked her to smile and remain still. She obliged appealingly and he clicked the shutter. Next he asked her to stand beside a whatnot that supported the shiny-leafed aspidistra in its brass pot. Again, she delivered a shy smile on request.

  ‘One more,’ he said kindly.

  Posy pointed to the bearskin rug, its fur appealing to her. ‘On there,’ she said.

  Clover and Tom looked at each other and laughed.

  ‘Oh, you’re just like your mother,’ he could not resist saying.

  Clover giggled, blushed and said, ‘Tom, I really don’t know what you mean.’

  So Posy sat on the rug and made herself comfortable while Tom lowered his tripod and moved in closer.

  When he had taken the picture, he said: ‘Let me take a photo of both of you together.’

  ‘Oh, you don’t want me on a photo,’ Clover declared. ‘I’m not dressed up for it. And look at my hair.’

  ‘Your hair’s fine,’ he answered. ‘So is your dress. The thing about you, Clover, is you look ravishing in anything. Even when you’re untidy you look bloody marvellous.’

  ‘No, I don’t,’ she said, feigning embarrassment, but delighted at his comment.

  ‘Remember when you used to come in to the Jolly Collier from the foundry and hide so as I shouldn’t see you?’ She nodded and laughed. ‘You looked beautiful even then. Leastwise, seeing you like that never put me off.’

  ‘Oh, you’re a fancy talker and no two ways, Tom Doubleday.’

  ‘But it’s true. So sit on the chaise-longue and have Posy on your lap.’

  She did as he asked with pleasure and he readjusted his camera after refuelling it with another plate.

  From beneath the black cover at the rear of the camera he said: ‘Ready? Smile, keep very still and watch the birdie.’ He clicked the shutter and removed the plate.

  ‘Thank you, Tom…’

  ‘My pleasure…’

  He looked into her eyes, a look she could not hold lest he see right into her mind and read her thoughts which, by this time, were not entirely proper for a married woman. But the look she saw in his eyes during that brief glance hinted that he was still interested in her.

  ‘It’s so good to see you again, Clover,’ he said softly. ‘I’m so glad you could come. Ever since I saw you on Coronation day I’ve thought of little else.’

  ‘Me, too,’ she admitted with a sigh. ‘For all the good it’ll do.’

  ‘So what’s wrong between you and Ned? You gave me the distinct impression that you weren’t happy.’

  ‘I’m not happy.’

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  She shook her head. ‘Not now. Not in front of madam. She picks up conversations like stones and drops them out at the most embarrassing times.’

  ‘Some other time, maybe.’

  ‘Yes, maybe some other time…When will the photos be ready?’

  ‘Oh, tomorrow, with any luck.’

  ‘Do you still open Saturday mornings?’

  He nodded. ‘Till one.’

  ‘I’ll come sometime between twelve and one, shall I? I daresay I’ll have to go to the town for some shopping.’

  He smiled optimistically. ‘I’ll look forward to it.’

  On the way home, Clover said to Posy: ‘We won’t tell daddy we’ve had our photos taken. We’ll let it be a surprise, eh?’

  Posy nodded. It was a solemn promise.

  Chapter 27

  Clover was filled with anticipation and apprehension as she approached the front door of Tom’s studio on Saturday. The assembled butterflies in her stomach, she was sure, were dancing a military two-step. It was a quarter past twelve and she had been to the town, as she often did on a Saturday but, significantly this time, she had not called for Florrie Brisco to accompany her. She entered the foyer and, after smoothing out her skirt and nervously tucking in an errant strand of hair, she rang the bell.

  Tom answered at once and smiled amicably, making all her nervousness disappear. ‘Ah, it’s you. Good. Come on through.’

  ‘Have the photos turned out all right?’

  He held the counter top open for her. ‘Brilliant,’ he enthused. ‘She’s so photogenic, your daughter.’

  Clover smiled. ‘I can’t wait to see them.’

  Inside the studio Tom took the pictures from his work table and handed them to her. She stood close to him at the table, her thighs pressed against its edge, and he watched as she flipped through the pictures, quickly at first, then more studiously. He was enchanted still by the girlish set of her head as she looked down, by her exquisite nose that
, from the outset, he had adored and unwittingly made her self-conscious of.

  ‘Oh, look at her here,’ Clover said delightedly. ‘She’s such a cheeky little madam sometimes. Look at her expression…And this one…’

  ‘It’s a good one of you, as well,’ he commented.

  She lingered over it for few seconds, her eyes dwelling on Posy, not herself. ‘It’s been ages since I last had my photo taken. You should know. You took it.’ He was in his shirtsleeves and his arm was touching hers. The agreeable warmth that emanated from it was simultaneously enervating and unsettling.

  ‘How much do I owe you, Tom?’

  ‘Oh, nothing. The photos are on me. It was a pleasure to do them. It was such a pleasure to see the prints for the first time.’

  ‘If you’re sure. But I’d rather pay for them.’

  ‘No. My treat, Clover. I owe you that much and more.’

  Their eyes met. ‘You owe me nothing. In fact, I owe you.’

  ‘Oh? So how do you work that out?’

  There was an awkward silence. Clover was suddenly aware that this could be a critical moment in her life, in his life, too. She could either politely thank him for his kindness, say her goodbyes, and draw a line under the saga of Tom Doubleday and herself for ever. Or she could stay and explain what she meant, become emotional and be sure to end up in his arms. The latter seemed entirely preferable.

  ‘Because I’ve been a fool, Tom,’ she responded with a deep sigh. ‘I look back over the last three years or so and I can see just how big a fool I’ve been. I loved you with all my heart and I let you go, out of stupid pride and pig-headedness, when all the time I was aching for you…’ A tear trembled on her long eyelashes and Tom watched, encouraged, as it trickled down her cheek. He wanted to lick it off, to taste the sweet, salty liquid that had emerged from inside her emotional as well as her physical self. ‘I drove you into Ramona’s arms as sure as I’m standing here. As sure as night follows day.’

  ‘Well…That’s an interesting analogy, Clover.’ he answered softly. ‘After we split up, you and me, it was like a dark, moonless night following a bright sunny day. A night so dark I couldn’t see where I was going or what I was doing.’

  ‘Even with Ramona to keep you company?’

  ‘Even with Ramona to keep me company, God rest her soul. All I ever wanted was you back in my arms. We were engaged to be married, for Christ’s sake. What went wrong?’

  She wiped the wayward tear from her cheek. ‘You know what went wrong. Madness seized you. For some reason I’ll never understand, you thought I was having an affair with Elijah Tandy when nothing could have been further from the truth. I wasn’t, Tom. I swear to God…But you know I wasn’t.’

  ‘It was Ramona that told me you were in the first place.’

  ‘Ramona?’ She rolled her eyes in resignation. ‘Like the time she told you I was courting Ned Brisco, when I wasn’t?’

  ‘She said she’d seen you and Elijah in the yard at the Jolly Collier one night with your arms around each other.’

  ‘Me? And Elijah? God, what an imagination she’d got.’ And then a thought struck her. She remembered something. ‘Wait a bit…There was a time when Elijah helped me to lay the fire in the boiler in the brewhouse ready for Zillah’s wash the next day. When we came out I tripped…Elijah caught me in his arms…and we laughed. I thought nothing more of it. But surely Ramona could never have interpreted that as evidence of an affair, even if that’s what she’d witnessed.’

  Tom shrugged. ‘Perhaps that’s exactly what she did see, and how she interpreted it.’

  ‘But it’s inconceivable, Tom. In any case, Elijah was…Well, he was courting Dorcas. He married her, if you recall.’

  ‘I know. And I also know I was completely wrong in taking Ramona’s word as gospel. Even if she believed it, it was no reason for me to. Deep down, I knew well enough I could trust you.’

  ‘But then you took those scandalous photos of Ramona. What was I to think when I found out?’

  Tom sighed. ‘I was at fault again, I admit it.’ He threw his hands up as an admission of his error. ‘When Ramona asked me to do them I should have refused. I should have foreseen that if they came to light it would reflect badly on both of us and cause ructions between you and me. I still can’t believe I was so naïve. Can you ever forgive me, Clover?’

  ‘Oh, I already have. I can’t nurture a grudge. I have to let go of it or it makes me too miserable. I forgave Ramona as well. The question is, can you forgive me?’

  ‘There’s nothing to forgive.’

  They fell silent again for a few seconds, reflecting on what each had said to the other.

  ‘Ramona thought you didn’t love her,’ Clover said experimentally, trying to elicit confirmation. ‘She told me you wanted to give her up to get back with me – just before she told you she was pregnant.’

  ‘She told you? When?’

  ‘Just before she died. Didn’t you know that? Didn’t you know Jake fetched me to see her?’

  ‘No. I didn’t know. I’m flabbergasted.’

  ‘I think there were some things she wanted to get off her chest. She wanted us to make up and be friends again before she passed on.’

  ‘What else did she tell you?’

  There was a second’s hesitation in her response. ‘Oh, nothing very much. Things just between her and me. They wouldn’t interest you.’ It had been an ideal opportunity to fulfil Ramona’s wish that she tell him about Daniel, but she could not do it. She just could not bring herself to. ‘So just think,’ she went on, ‘if Ramona had never lied about Elijah Tandy and me, you and I might be married to each other now…’ Tears welled up in her eyes again.

  ‘If…’ He uttered a sardonic little laugh. ‘It’s a big word, if …But how I wish, Clover.’ He closed his eyes and looked up. ‘How I wish we’d married…’

  ‘How I wish it as well…’

  ‘God, what a mess!’ He shook his head slowly as if in disbelief of everything that had transpired. ‘I still love you, you know, Clover…As much as ever I did.’

  She thought her legs were going to give way under her. She clutched the edge of the table tight to hold herself steady. ‘Oh, Tom! I think you shouldn’t have told me that.’

  ‘On the contrary, I think I should. I want you to know. I’d fully intended telling you today. And you’re not happy with Ned. You’ve admitted as much.’

  ‘But I’m married to him…’

  During this discussion they’d been standing side by side at the table. Now he turned towards her, took her hand and she swung round slowly to face him, to face the inevitable. They looked into each other’s eyes. Already there was no way back, there was no exit from what was happening. Each knew that they could not help themselves, that their love was too potent to avoid. She fell into his arms submissively and a flood of tears soaked the front of his shirt. He held her tight while she felt an unspeakable sadness that they had missed each other through the meddling of other people. Oh, they would embark on an affair and try to make up their lost years together. Not only did they owe it to each other, they could hardly escape it. But if only they could have been wed…

  The two lovers held each other silently for a while. More words seemed strangely superfluous. Tears began to flow from Tom’s eyes too and he sniffed to try and stop his nose running. He closed his eyes, trying vainly to stem the tears, trying to imagine that everything that had passed had been a malicious dream and they were married after all. He wanted to alter the past by power of will, so that their respective children were by each other and only this – this ardent, ardent desire – was the true reality. He felt in his pocket and withdrew a handkerchief. As he wiped his eyes Clover looked up at him, her own eyes red and watery.

  ‘What a pair of fools,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Promise me you’ll always love me.’

  ‘I don’t need to promise,’ she replied, trying to laugh at how they must appear. ‘It’s a fact of life. I’ll always love you.
I always have. I can’t help it.’ She sniffed and tried to laugh again. ‘God! Look at your shirt.’ She let go of him and stepped back. ‘Let me dry my tears and wipe my nose. There’s a handkerchief in my bag.’ She reached down to where she had placed it on the floor, found the handkerchief and wiped her eyes and blew her nose. ‘Well…here we are again,’ she said, and heaved a residual sob. ‘Back where we started.’

  ‘We’ll have to work out how we can meet.’

  ‘I know…’ She went back to his arms. ‘But we both have kids to work around this time. Maybe I could come here sometimes – like we used to.’

  ‘Yes…And if you can get out at night you could come to my house. Daniel would be fast asleep in bed.’

  ‘I’ve already thought of that,’ she said. ‘But I don’t know if I want to—’

  ‘You mean because it was Ramona’s home.’

  ‘And Ramona’s bed…I want to lie with you again, Tom. But not in Ramona’s bed. Not the bed she died in.’

  ‘I understand.’ He squeezed her tight. ‘I’ll move. I’ll find another house.’ His face lit up into a smile, creasing his eyes that were still moist with tears. ‘You can help choose the furnishings and all that.’

  She laughed more easily now. ‘I hope to God I’ll make a better job of it than the one I already had a hand in.’

  ‘We can pretend we’re married after all. You’ll be called a scarlet woman…Calling on a man, a known widower, at his house, unchaperoned.’

  ‘I’ve been called worse. But I can stand it. My skin’s thick after what we’ve been through.’

  ‘Kiss me, Clover.’

  ‘I thought you’d never suggest it.’

  Clover hid the photographs. There was no point in showing them to Ned because he would know she’d seen Tom. Naturally, he would fear the worst and God knows what he might do. He was not a violent man but he was extremely jealous, and jealousy could prompt him to be devious and possibly cruel in other ways. There was no sense in inviting trouble. Now, more than anything, she wanted her freedom. She needed to be free to come and go as she pleased within the constraints that having a young dependent daughter imposed upon her.