First Instinct

by Suzie O'Connell

  “Classy, Trey,” she muttered and set her camera aside as she turned back to Michelle. “How are you doing with all this? I’m sure Nick being in jail can’t be easy on you.”

  Michelle shrugged. “I’m all right. He’s doing what he believes is right, so I guess I don’t have any choice but to accept that.”

  “I hope you don’t think any less of him because of this. He did do the right thing that night, and it wasn’t assault.”

  “So you said. No, I don’t think anything less of him, but….”

  Beth didn’t like the way she let her thought hang unfinished. But what? Irritation flared. It was one thing to be upset with Nick for spending too much time with Beth but something else entirely if Michelle chose to think he’d acted out of anything but chivalry that night. She’d been dating him for nearly five months, so presumably she knew him well enough to know that he’d never stoop to brawling.

  “You don’t believe what Trey is saying—that Nick started the fight because he was jealous I was with Trey—do you? Because that is an outright lie and a huge disservice to Nick if you believe it.”

  “I don’t believe it,” Michelle assured her. “I just don’t know that his heart is in our relationship anymore. I promise you that, if anything, I respect him even more for standing up for what he believes is right.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.”

  Michelle eyed her curiously, then seemed to push aside whatever questions she wanted to ask and said, “Anyhow, I’d better get going.”

  “Thank you for stopping by,” Beth said as politely as she could manage. “Have a good night.”

  “Yeah. You, too.”

  Beth watched her stride away, then quietly closed the door and pressed her forehead against it. What was wrong with her? Michelle had stopped by to offer support, and she’d reacted like a jealous twit. Setting her envy aside, she genuinely liked Michelle and had believed, before all this happened, that they had the potential to be great friends. But everything had changed, and Nick, who would’ve brought them together, now stood between them.

  “If I had any clue how to play the guitar, I could use the tension between the two of you for a string,” June remarked after Beth returned to the bed and sat down again.

  “I really like her, but at the same time… I hate her,” Beth said slowly. “And I know I shouldn’t.”

  “Want to tell me what’s going on?”

  Beth inhaled deeply and held it for several thudding beats of her heart before she let it out. She could try to claim she was jealous because Michelle was too tall, too pretty, too smart, and too confident, but June was too intelligent to fall for that, so she decided to be honest. “She has Nick.”

  “Ah.”

  Beth thought back to last week, when she’d watched Nick walk away and suddenly realized how incredibly attractive he was, and told June about it. “I never looked at him that way before, and now that I have, I can’t stop thinking about it. I know it’s stupid because Nick will never see me as anything but a friend, but I can’t help it.”

  “I’m not so sure it’s stupid. Do you remember when Rogers put the handcuffs on him today?”

  “I’ll never forget.”

  “You’d think he’d be wanting to reassure his girlfriend that everything would be all right, wouldn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “He didn’t hardly notice her standing there. He was too concerned about you. And who did he tell his brothers to watch out for? You. Not Michelle.”

  That didn’t surprise Beth. Of course he’d be concerned about her because, without him there to make sure Trey kept his distance, who knew what Trey would do?

  “There are other things, too,” June said. “Like the way he looks at you when you dance. You’re the center of his attention, and he doesn’t see anyone but you.”

  “I’m sure he looks at Michelle the same way.”

  “No, he doesn’t. Not anymore. I think he and Michelle may be on their way out. I think she likes you well enough as a person, but she’s definitely jealous of you. She was baiting you a little at lunch with that ‘it’s been a while’ comment.”

  “Yeah? How do you know that?”

  “She glanced at you when she said it, watching for your reaction. I don’t know if it was intentional, but she was testing you both. And I don’t think Nick gave her quite the response she’d hoped for because she looked a little disappointed, and when he said whatever he said to her in the lunch line, she had this look on her face like she knew she’d stepped out of line.”

  Beth started to say June was wrong, but she honestly didn’t know. She had looked away. Thinking back on that moment, however, it did seem like Michelle had acted with more brazen demand than suited what Beth knew of her. Was it possible that she wasn’t the only one sensing a change in her friendship with Nick? Did he feel it, too? When she’d asked last week if she was causing problems in his relationship with Michelle, he’d told her not to worry about it… but he hadn’t denied it. Whatever will be will be, he’d said. Even as something unnamable quickened her pulse, she found another reason to hate herself.

  Michelle made Nick happy, and Beth was screwing that up. Just like she was screwing up the rest of his life.

  That thought carried her through the rest of her evening with June.

  After they’d cleared the mess from their dinner, June stood at the door, watching Beth with a quizzical frown that made her feel like she was as easy to read as words on a page.

  “I get the feeling you’ve been through hell this last couple weeks,” June said softly. “So stop being so hard on yourself. You have enough to deal with without beating yourself up over things you can’t control. If you and Nick are meant to be together… it’ll happen.”

  She thanked June and bid her goodnight, then flopped on her bed and stared at the high white ceiling, unable to shake the feeling that she was ruining Nick’s life. It was all too easy to imagine him stretched out on the bunk in a bare jail cell, staring at the ceiling much like she was, and wondering what tomorrow and the coming days and weeks would bring. He didn’t belong in that place. She wondered if he was cursing her for not speaking up about the rape, and couldn’t hold it against him if he was. She certainly blamed herself but doubted that he did because he was a better friend than she was. Not only had he saved her from Trey and taken care of her in the hours and days that followed, he had entirely rearranged his life and jeopardized his relationship with Michelle so he could do it. And how had she repaid that kindness and loyalty? With a jail cell.

  Ten

  If there had ever been a time when he’d been this glad to turn his taillights to Devyn, Nick couldn’t recall it. He watched the town shrink in his rearview mirror as he headed up Badger Pass toward home and felt some of the tension and bitterness slip away. He’d lain awake most of the night, catching only a few moments of restless sleep, too anxious to relax enough to sleep even if the drunk singer hadn’t slipped from his slurred serenading into the loudest, most obnoxious chorus of snorts and snores Nick had ever heard.

  On a somewhat better note, his resolve to keep his mouth shut about the rape had held through the arraignment, and the judge had actually seemed impressed when the topic of a self-defense dismissal had been broached and he’d stated simply, I accept the consequences. Hal had given him a bit of good news when he revealed that the bartender Lacey’s story painted him in a pretty good light and made Trey out to be both the aggressor and a bully. It was unlikely to sway a jury’s verdict, but at least the judge might go easier on him if he knew Nick was not, by nature, aggressive.

  He’d stopped by the campus to pick up assignments from his professors and to talk briefly with Dean Harris, who had confirmed the details of his disciplinary probation. Nick was grateful that he’d be able to keep working toward finishing his degree and even more so for the dean’s support, and he said so.

  “Innocent until proven guilty,” Rob had said. “I’m erring on the side of caution here for
all parties involved, including you.”

  Rob seemed to understand the nature of his predicament when so few others seemed to, and it meant a lot to Nick that the dean wanted to help even if there wasn’t much he could do. He didn’t know how his parents had reacted to the news of his arrest. He’d spoken with his father yesterday afternoon only long enough to ask him to call Hal, and he wondered if they were angry. Without knowing why he’d “assaulted” Trey, it must look like he’d thrown away everything they’d taught him about restraint and disgraced the Hammond name in the process, which gave them every right to be disgusted with him. He certainly wasn’t the first Hammond to be arrested—his uncle James had been arrested twice for being drunk and disorderly—but he was the first to be charged with a crime involving injury to someone else.

  It was frustrating that he couldn’t be open with them, but he’d promised Beth he wouldn’t tell, and so he wouldn’t.

  The sight of the Northstar Valley as it came into view when he rounded the southernmost flanks of the Northstar Mountains was nothing short of beautiful. The pastures and hayfields were still green, watered by the creeks and streams that flowed down from the mountains, and the rain that had moved through the area the day before yesterday had left behind an early autumn crispness and cleared the haze out of the air, leaving everything stunningly sharp. Right at that moment, he understood all too well Beth’s constant battle against the desire to quit school and wrap the peace and beauty of Northstar around her.

  As soon as he turned onto Billings Creek Road and passed by the post office and Aelissm’s grandparents’ place, he glanced toward the main house of his family’s ranch. And stared. There were close to a dozen cars parked in front of the large, two-story house. He certainly hadn’t expected a welcome home party, but that’s exactly what appeared to be going on. He parked his truck between Beth’s and Michelle’s cars and took note of who else was here. Beth’s parents and grandparents, which probably meant her brother was here as well, both of his brothers—who should be at football practice right now—were here, as was Hal.

  He’d barely parked his truck and shut it down when his father stepped out the front door. Nick slowly climbed out of his truck, unsettled by his father’s even expression. He breathed a sigh of relief when John hugged him tightly.

  “Welcome home,” his father said. “Hal told us your trial isn’t until the end of October—almost two months away. Why so late?”

  “I think he’s hoping either Beth or I will change our minds and explain why the whole case should be thrown out.” Gesturing to the gathering of vehicles, he asked before his father could press him further, “And just what is all this for?”

  “To welcome you home.”

  “Dad, I spent one night in jail. That’s hardly call for celebration any way you look at it.”

  “No, but we’ve been talking about it a lot, your mother and I… and Aaron and Henry, and we know you wouldn’t have fought with Trey without a damned good reason. We know our son.”

  “You’ve talked to Aaron and Henry about all this? What have they said?”

  John nodded. “That Trey has been harassing Beth, calling her a slut and a whore, and that he tried to goad you into another fight last week. Whatever it is you’re doing, it’s the right thing to do, and we’re proud of you for taking a stand.”

  Impulsively, Nick hugged his father again. “Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.” When he stood back, he added, “I was afraid you were disappointed in me. First Hammond to be arrested for assault.”

  “I’ll admit that I never would have thought you’d be the son to get arrested, but there’s no disgrace in protecting a friend.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “Come on inside. Dinner’s almost on the table because we expected you home earlier.”

  “Sorry. I stopped by the college to get my assignments and to talk to Rob Harris. I’m semi-suspended—on a disciplinary probation, he called it—but I think he’s doing everything he can to help me out. I’ll be able to continue my coursework unless I’m found guilty of the assault. If I am… that’ll be the end of it.”

  “Trey should be the one suspended, not you.”

  Nick jerked his head back in surprise. How did his father know…?

  “Yeah, I said it. You wouldn’t have said you should have hit him harder than you did unless he did something terrible to deserve it,” John remarked. Abruptly, he added, “Beth seems to be doing a lot better than she was the last time we saw her. Worried about you, of course, but otherwise much better.”

  Nick breathed a little easier after hearing that.

  They’d arrived at the front door, and their conversation ended when Nick stepped inside and was greeted by his family and friends like some sort of war hero coming home after months away. He knew they meant well, and part of him was glad to see them all, but mostly it made him uncomfortable, especially when the quizzing began.

  Henry started in immediately with jokes about jail life as he and Nick and Aaron helped set the table for dinner.

  “Henry, please. I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Boring. And I got to listen to a drunk who thought the rest of us needed to hear his rendition of every country song he knew most of the words to.”

  “What songs?”

  “What part of ‘I really don’t want to talk about it’ did you not understand?” Nick snapped. “I am tired and hungry, and yes, pretty damned irritable.”

  Nick’s mood didn’t improve with food because the conversation at the table, unsurprisingly, centered on his arrest and the reason for it. The general consensus was that Trey was an ass who deserved whatever Nick had given him and more, and it wasn’t long before the tension returned, tightening the muscles of his shoulders, upper back, and neck until they ached. He didn’t have two seconds to see how Beth had held up last night or to even give his girlfriend a hug and couldn’t enjoy the amazing meal his mother and Beth’s had prepared.

  After dinner, while Tracie and Natalie and Livia cleaned up, Beth’s grandfather, Old Matt, asked Nick again what Trey had done to his granddaughter, and Nick replied rather more shortly than he intended, “Why don’t you ask her? She’s the one he hurt. I just cleaned up the mess.”

  He apologized a moment later for his irritability and excused himself to seek out Michelle. Motioning to the back door, he headed back outside, inhaling deeply as soon as he stepped out into the back yard. Michelle was half a step behind him, and he kissed her gently, letting his lips linger against hers because he was pretty sure this would be their last kiss.

  “Are you surprised to see me here?” she asked.

  “A little, yes.”

  “Well, you did invite me up here for the weekend.”

  “That’s not why I’m surprised. I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me after yesterday.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I completely ignored you.”

  “I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

  He took her hand and led her around to the picnic table beside the house and sat on the west-facing bench with his back against the tabletop. He took a few moments to explore her long-fingered, graceful hand, tracing the lines of it with his fingertips to memorize every detail before threading his fingers through hers one last time.

  “You were right, Michelle. What happened that night either changed the way I feel about Beth or simply revealed how I’ve always felt. I don’t know if it will last or even how deep it runs, but I need to make sure she can come back from this. After that… I don’t know what will happen.”

  She stared across the hayfield beside the house at the western ridges and said nothing. He sighed.

  “You are an incredible woman, Michelle, and I do love you and admire you,” he said. “So I’ll leave the decision with you as to whether you want to stay with me while I try to figure this out. If you’d rather end it here, I’ll understand.”

&n
bsp; “I think….” She cleared her throat, and a glance at her face showed that she was wrestling with the decision. Then she sighed and offered him a sad smile. “I think it’s best that we break it off here. I don’t think you’ll feel any less for Beth once she doesn’t need you so much… if there ever comes a time when she won’t. I do want to keep you as a friend, though, Nick, if it won’t be too awkward for you.”

  “It might be for a little while, but I’ll find a way to make it work.” He wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry you wasted so much time on me.”

  “It wasn’t wasted, Nick.” She smiled. “Now I know exactly what I want in a man, and hopefully I’ll be lucky enough someday to find one like you who isn’t already taken.”

  She kissed his cheek, squeezed his hand, and turned to head back inside, but he caught her hand and pulled her back to him. There was pain in her eyes and an unspoken plea to be released, and he sensed how difficult this was for her. It was no easier for him because he did love her. But he couldn’t let her go before he was absolutely certain she was making the right decision. Not for him but for her.

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked softly.

  “It’s not a matter of wanting this or not wanting it, Nick, but I know it’s the right thing to do… for all of us.” She sighed. “I had a lot of time to think last night, like I’m sure you did, and I’ve realized that it’s a matter of what is. I want you, Nick, and it’ll probably be a while before I don’t, but Beth…. She wants you and she needs you, and you can try to deny it, but you want her and need her, too. You two are like the mountains you so love… patient and lasting. I don’t see that changing.”

  This time when she turned away, he didn’t try to stop her. He stayed outside for a few minutes more and allowed himself to accept that his relationship with her was now over, then followed her in. Those lingering at the table were still talking about his arrest, and he quietly and unobtrusively made his way into the kitchen where he found Beth talking quietly with his mother.