Too Good to Be True: The Colossal Book of Urban Legends
Page 39
“Lights Out!”
Two typical examples of a bogus warning that circulated widely across the United States in literally thousands of copies from the summer of 1993 until about the end of that year. The interoffice memo, presumably based on a police report, moved from “Sue” on to “Debbie,” who added a handwritten Post-it note explaining that she got it from her husband, who got it at his place of employment, on to “Kelley,” who added a note—“This reeks of urban legend to me!”—and sent it on to me. The faxed warning mentions four major U.S. cities in the header. No such gang initiation—either planned or actually carried out—could be found by any of the numerous journalists and law-enforcement officials who tried to investigate the warnings. “Blood Weekend” in September 1993 came and went without anyone being killed for flashing headlights. There is no “Grady Harn” in the Sacramento Police Department. The “Lights Out!” warning created intense fear and outrage among American motorists because the “courtesy flash” to warn other drivers that their headlights are off is a well-established custom that is regarded as a good turn, not a threat. Feeding into the scare were both the known increase in gang violence and publicity about a growing number of “road rage” incidents. I discuss this bogus warning in detail in my book The Truth Never Stands in the Way of a Good Story.
“The Good Times Virus”
DANGEROUS COMPUTER VIRUS 10:19 AM 5/3/95
PLEASE READ THE WARNING BELOW IF YOU USE THE INTERNET:
We were just been warned of a new computer virus that is being sent across the InterNet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “Good Times” DO NOT READ THE MESSAGE - DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY!!!
Someone is sending e-mail under this title nation-wide. If you get anything like this, do not download the file! It has a virus that rewrites your hard drive, obliterating anything on it. What makes this virus so terrifying, according to the FCC, is that no program needs to be exchanged for a new computer to be infected. It can spread through the existing e-mail systems of the InterNet. One a computer is infected, one of several things can happen. If the computer contains a hard drive, that will most likely be destroyed. If the program is not stopped, the computer’s processor will be placed in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the processor if left running that way too long.
There is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the “Good Times” virus. It always travels to new computers the same way in a text e-mail with the subject line reading simply “Good Times”. Avoiding infection is easy once the file has been received - not reading it!
The act of loading the file into the mail server’s ASCII buffer causes the “Good Times” mainline program to initialize and execute. The program is highly intelligent - it will send copies of itself to everyone whose e-mail address is contained in a received-mail file or a sent-mail file, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash the computer it is running on.
Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 11:06:57 -0400 (EDT)
To: jan.brunvand@m.cc.utah.edu, [and dozens of other addressees]
Subject: Fwd: Deadly canadian virus
Forwarded message:
NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-wife your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend (husband/wife) behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
The first example was an E-mail message printed out with the headers removed and found taped to a bulletin board in the Lake Washington School District in Kirkland/Redmond, Washington; Ross E. McCullough of Redmond sent it to me. The second example is a parody of “Good Times” that came to me via E-mail forwarded by a fellow folklorist. Parodies are a vital part of modern folklore, and other such computer virus parodies describe the “Bobbit Virus” (removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it, but that part will never work again), the “Ted Turner Virus” (colorizes your monochrome monitor), and the “Adam and Eve Virus” (takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple), among many others. The New York Times, in an article by Peter H. Lewis published on February 27, 1996, described the “Good Times” warning as “sufficiently dweeby to impress even experienced computer users.” Lewis asserted that “the warning itself is infinitely loopy. And for the nth time, the Good Times Virus does not exist. It is a fraud, a cyburban legend.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. The “Computer Incident Advisory Capability” program of the U.S. Department of Energy has a Web site debunking this and several other virus warnings. See http://ciac.llnlgov/ciac/CIACHoaxes. The site is maintained by the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory at the University of California, Berkeley.
“The Kidney Heist”
Dr. Brunvand,
I thought I’d send this along to you. I haven’t heard this one before, but I am sure you have.
Best.
Barry Karr
CSICOP/Skeptical Inquirer
<< Subj: Re: Kidney theft cartel legend
Date: 97-03-31 10:12:57 EST
From: madigan.
To: SkeptI.
I encountered this posting on a mailing service that goes out to about 1500 people. (I posted Alan Hale’s plea on that same service) Do you have anything I can use to respond to this popular legend?
Subject: This will Blow Your Mind, or Kidney! A big thanks, I think, to Michelle for bringing this to our attention. I heard this kind of story from Dr’s when I worked at St. Lukes and didn’t know what to make of it. Kidneys ARE expensive. So why not steal them like thieves steal possessions? The whole thing is quite do-able. -L
Dear Friends,
Although I’m skeptical of this story, let it not be said that I didn’t try to protect your organs…
I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting business travelers. This ring is well organized, well funded, has very skilled personnel, and is currently in most major cities and recently very active in New Orleans. The crime begins when a business traveler goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bath tub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 911. A phone is on a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveler calls 911 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveler is instructed by the 911 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a tube protruding from their lower back. The business traveler finds the tube and answers, “Yes.” The 911 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveler’s kid
neys have been harvested. This is not a scam or out of a science fiction novel, it is real.
Slug Signorino
It is documented and confirmed. If you travel or someone close to you travels, please be careful.
Regards,
Jerry Mayfield
Austin Ops Engineering Manager
Telephone: 512-433-6855
Subject: Body Part Criminal
Author: LES U.
Date: 1/2/97 11:06 AM
Just when you thought it was safe in the airports…. Hard to believe, but I got this from a reliable source at Corporate.
For any of you doing any traveling, beware.
From: Patty R. on 12/16/96 10:33 AM
Yes, this does happen. My sister-in-law works with a lady that this happened to her son’s neighbor who lives in Houston. The only “good” thing to this whole story is the fact that the people doing this horrible crime are very in tune to what complications can happen afterwards because of the details precautions they take the time to set up before leaving the room.
The word from my sister-in-law is that the hospital in Las Vegas (yes, Vegas) prior to transferring him back to Houston stated that these people know exactly what they are doing. The incision, etc. was exact and clean. They use sterile equipment etc. and the hospital stated that other than the fact that the victim loses a kidney there has not been any reports of other complications due to non-sterile, etc. tactics that were used.
From: Kathy W.
Sadly, this is very true. My husband is a Houston Firefighter/EMT and they have received alerts regarding this crime ring. It is to be taken very seriously. The daughter of a friend of a fellow firefighter had this happen to her. Skilled doctor’s are performing these crimes! (which, btw, have been highly noted in the Las Vegas area)
The following is a warning to business travelers provided by America West Airlines.
Dear friends
I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting business travelers. This ring is well organized, well funded, has very skilled personnel, and is currently in most major cities and recently very active in New Orleans and Las Vegas. The crime begins when a business traveler goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler remembers, until they wake up in a hotel room bathtub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 911. A phone is on a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveler calls 911 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveler is instructed by the 911 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if their is a tube protruding from their lower back. The business traveler finds the tube and answer, “yes.” The 911 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveler’s kidneys have been harvested. This is not a scam or out of a science fiction novel, it is real. It is documented and confirmable. If you travel or someone close to you travels, please be careful.
Additionally, the Military and Firefighters has received alerts regarding this bazaar crime. It is to be taken very seriously.
“Hold your kidneys” takes on a whole new meaning.
Barry Karr, executive director and public relations director of CSICOP—the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal—electronically forwarded me this query about “The Kidney Heist.” I referred him to my discussion of the background of the story, going back to 1991, in The Baby Train. The second version of the warning was circulated by travel agents as a cautionary message for business travelers. Earlier forms of this bogus warning were ridiculous enough, ignoring the necessity for tissue matches and organ registration for transplants, as well as the near-impossibility of recruiting any well-paid surgeons to perform such clandestine operations. The recent versions of the warning, usually set in Las Vegas or New Orleans, follow an even less likely scenario: how would the kidney thieves get all that ice down the hall into the bathtub without being noticed, and how could the victim live with both kidneys removed? Will Christopher Baer’s 1998 novel Kiss Me, Judas opens with a scene drawn straight from the ice-in-the-bathtub version of “The Kidney Heist.” A review in Library Journal (September 15, 1998) described the book as “dark, graphic, and twisted,” cautioning that it is “not for the faint of heart.” One wonders how effective the scene would be for readers who have already heard the urban legend or have seen it featured in the 1998 slasher film Urban Legend. For an excellent survey of the international tradition of such stories see Véronique Campion-Vincent, “Organ Theft Narratives,” Western Folklore, vol. 56 (winter 1997), pp. 1–37.
“The Welded Contacts”
CONTACT LENSES
We would appreciate your calling the following hazard to the attention of all of your people immediately.
Two recent incidents have uncovered a previously unknown phenomenon of serious gravity.
At Dequeane Electric a worker threw an electrical switch into closed position which produced a shortlived sparking.
An employee at UPS flipped open the colored lense of his welding goggles to better position the welding rod. He inadvertantly struck the metal to be welded, producing an arc.
BOTH MEN WERE WEARING CONTACT LENSES. On returning home from work, they removed the contacts AND THE CORNEA OF THE EYE WAS REMOVED along with the lenses.
Result: PERMANENT BLINDESS!
The electric arc generates microwaves that instantly dry up the fluid between the eye and the lense, causing the cornea to be bonded to the lense. This trauma is painless and the operator never knows an injury has occurred until removing the contacts.
As this phenomenon was unknown, no Federal or State safety and health agency has regulations on this matter, but they are pursuing the investigation zealously and will respond according to findings.
In the meantime, until such regulations are established or until this matter can be brought before your safety committee, it is suggested that no contact lenses be worn by anyone who is potentially subject to an electrical sparking situation.
DANGER!!!!
-SHOULD BE POSTED EVERYWHERE-
The warning sheet, date-stamped April 8, 1983, was sent to me in 1985 by Mark Lutton of Malden, Massachusetts, who found it on a bulletin board of the company he was working for then. Nobody was able to identify where the notice came from, and the rest of the stamp is not legible, since the sheet has evidently been photocopied several times. Similar notices have been widely reported in the United States and Great Britain as recently as 1990. A 1983 Policy Statement from the American Academy of Ophthalmology, entitled “The Effects of Exposure to Electric Arc Welding on Contact Lens Wearers,” traced the rumors back to 1967 and discounted the possibility of such an accident. Officials of Pittsburgh’s Dusquesne Electric Company and of United Parcel Service, both named (although sometimes misspelled) in these warnings, cannot identify any such case. In the January 1987 issue of Welding Journal, editor Jeffrey D. Weber wrote that the welded-cornea story was “pseudo-science” and concluded, “The story is not true, it never happened and it never could.” A Maryland physician asked about “The Welded Contacts” had the best response I’ve seen to questions about the possibility of such a horrible accident; he told a writer for the Baltimore Sun, “It is a physical impossibility to dry up the fluid in your eyes. You’d have to stick your head in a blast furnace to do that. Removing your cornea would be like pulling off your ear.”
“The Procter & Gamble Trademark”
Company Involved: PROCTOR & GAMBLE COMPANY Source of Information: Phil Donahue TV SHOW
The President of Proctor & Gamble Company recently appeared on the Phil Donahue TV Show. The subject of which he spoke, was his company’s support of the Church of Satan.
He stated that a large portion of Proctor & Gamble’s profit goes to the
Church of Satan, also known as the Devil’s Church.
When asked by Mr. Donahue if he felt that stating this on television would hurt his business, the president replied-“There are not enough Christians in the U.S. to make a difference.”