Taking His Rage (Bad Boy Stepbrother Romance)

by Gwen Allen

  I take the bag downstairs and stow it in the trunk of my GTO. Now I just need to get in and drive, but after some quick phone calls and texts to let a few people know I won't be around, I don't end up driving straight out of town like I should. I can't. My hands turn the wheel and I'm heading toward the corner of Bly Street and Lucrest Avenue.

  So much for my clean getaway. I haven't seen Julie since that day when I kissed her on the front steps. I guess this is the only way I can be rid of her. Running from her isn't enough. I need to cut myself loose before I can get free. It won't be over until I tell her it's over.

  After her mom and my dad found out what we've been doing, Julie moved out of the house and moved back into the room above their café. This early in the morning, I know she'll be there. The café is closed of course, but I can see them in there cleaning and doing prep. One of the employees recognizes me and lets me in.

  When I find out Julie hasn't come down yet, I know to look for her upstairs. My legs feel heavy as I walk up the narrow staircase. I stop outside the door of her room, but I don't knock. I don't even breathe. She's up here, right behind this door. Once I knock, she'll open it and she can be in my arms the very next second.

  That's why I don't knock until I can suppress the urge to grab her and kiss her as soon as I set eyes on her. I can already see myself dragging her down to the floor, getting ready to fuck her, but that's not why I'm here. With that impulse under control, I knock louder than I need to. It's a reminder to myself to stay strong.

  "Who is it?" she calls out from inside. There's an edge to her voice. My obnoxious knock must have startled her and now she sounds kind of mad.

  "It's me, Vince."

  Everything goes quiet now. There is a long pause before I hear the lock click and see Julie as she opens the door. She looks tired, mad, and there are a million questions in her eyes.

  "What do you want?"

  That's only the first question I need to answer, but too many answers come into my head all on top of each other. I sidestep it for now and go inside her room though she hasn't invited me in.

  Looking around, I don't quite recognize it as the same place where I fucked her once upon a time. There is more stuff here, but it's not really the room. It's Julie who seems different, sadder, on her guard, holding herself back from me like she never did before. That's good. It should make this easier. But maybe nothing can make this easier.

  Instead of going straight for what I came to say, I tell her something that's been nagging at me. "I never meant to tell them about us. I got mad and lashed out." I say it without any note of apology, just lay out the facts to get it off my chest.

  "It was bound to happen," she says, her voice dark, her expression unreadable.

  I wonder if she means that the truth was bound to come out or that I was bound to lose my temper and use our relationship to strike out blindly. Either way, I want her to know that I didn't mean to hurt her. So why won't the words come out?

  "Is that why you came here?" she asks me and pins me with an accusing gaze.

  For a long moment I just stare into her hazel eyes. But I can't just keep doing that, so I say it. "No. I came to say goodbye."

  As soon as the words are out of my mouth, her eyes fill with tears, and she draws back from me like I just told her I was about to strike her. She hardly seems to be breathing. I watch her skin turn pale and her hands start to shake visibly until she clenches them into fists.

  "Fuck you, Vince," she breathes and gulps air for a second before digging her fingernails into the palms of her hands.

  Wanting to make her stop, I reach for her hands but she pulls away from me.

  "Get out!" she screams. "Get out!"

  That's good. It shouldn't be a nice, sweet goodbye full of apologies and regret. I'm hung over. I don't have it in me. Who was I kidding? It was never going to be a sweet goodbye.

  "Glad we agree. I'm so sick of this whole mess. I hope to hell I never lay eyes on you again." My insides clench and my chest feels like it's been slashed open, but I can't take back those words. That's just how it has to be. That's my goodbye to her. With those unfeeling words, I leave while pain claws at me like it wants to rend its way out of my body.

  The pain grows sharper with every step, but I can outrun it. All I need is distance. Once I put a couple of hundred miles between us, I'll be fine.

  I walk downstairs, get in my car and drive, go way over the speed limit, swerve through traffic, whatever it takes to get the hell away from her.

  Chapter 23

  ~

  Julie

  I'm standing in the middle of my room above the café as the door is closing. Vince's footsteps on the stairs grow more distant then fade into silence while I stare at the door without blinking. In shocked paralysis, I wait and refuse to believe that Vince came here only to erase me from his life.

  Too many things swirled through my mind when I first heard his voice from the other side of that door. I could hardly think, but I didn't fail to notice that he looked pale and drawn. That's why I was filled with a sense of dread as I waited for him to tell me why he came.

  But there was a painful, little twinge of hope in my heart too. Fragile and based on nothing, it died inside me as Vince said he came to say goodbye. Blind anger took its place for a while as I screamed at him to go. That's all gone now as I stand here as lifeless as a stone.

  All my mixed up feelings have drained away. I feel numb as I wait motionless though I don't know for what. Maybe I'm waiting to wake up, so I can shake off the bad dream I just had. Then I can start this day over again with no knock on the door, with no cruel goodbye.

  Noise from downstairs in the café gets me moving. People are working, getting on with their day. That's what I need to be doing. I have to look down at myself to make sure I'm dressed and that I have shoes on.

  When I look in the mirror to check my hair and face, I'm startled to see that I look like I always do, maybe a little tired. I can't see any sign of the raw, open wound in my heart, no sign of the scream that's bubbling up inside me. The agony isn't written on my face. It's buried. It's invisible.

  That's good. I won't have to explain myself as I walk downstairs and get to work. But that's only on the surface. When I try helping out even with the simplest tasks, I'm worse than useless. Tamara puts her foot down and sends me back upstairs to rest.

  "Even you aren't this clumsy and spacey. I think you're coming down with something," she says.

  I go, but I can't climb those stairs and go back up to my room. Up there, I would only hear Vince's voice as he tells me over and over again that he never wants to see me. He really did hate me. Does hate me.

  I'm just a stupid fool and now the pain is killing me. And I have nowhere to go. I don't want to be alone in that room. I can't go to my mom even if I wanted to. She and Curtis are away. Maybe that's for the best. Mom doesn't need to deal with my turmoil or to see me cry.

  Feeling so unstable, I don't know if I trust myself to get in my car and drive anywhere. I'm shaky and numb, and when I was trying to work, my hands wouldn't do what I wanted. God knows what would happen if I got behind the wheel.

  For myself, I wouldn't care if I smashed straight into a light pole, but I have a little life to worry about. I can't think about Vince's baby too much or I'll unravel completely, but I can't put it in danger. It's small and helpless and has only me to depend on.

  "Let's go for a walk," I say to my nameless kid. "You should know that I'm going to be sad for a while, really sad. But not forever. I hope not forever."

  As I walk out of the café, I think of the baby as a bright, little light I can cling to. It's not fair to use the baby as my lifeline and draw strength from it. The baby needs me, not the other way around.

  "I'll try to be a good mom to you. And I'll work to make you proud of me. We'll be happy. Just the two of us." The promises feel empty, but they point the way for me.

  I'm trapped in a suffocating darkness right now. My promises to the
baby are like a tiny hand holding mine, leading me to a brighter future. I just wish it didn't seem so far away as I walk the streets alone, turning away when I see a couple, the man with his arm around the woman while she shows him something on her phone.

  I try not to think back to what it felt like to be in Vince's strong arms, especially in his rare, kind moments. Even after not seeing him for weeks, I thought I would somehow end up in his arms again, like that was where I belonged so it was inevitable. I really am a fool.

  After walking aimlessly for a while, I realize that I don't know what time it is. My phone is back in my room. I might be late for class, but I find that I don't care. If it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't care if I stepped in front of a bus. The thought makes me go cold with fear.

  Am I really that far gone? Damn. I just have to keep going, walk back to the café, go to school, do the work, keep moving, get away from these horrible feelings before they eat me alive. Blinking back tears, I head back. I see the world through a haze of tears and my vision is swimming from holding my breath as I try not to sob out loud.

  Needing a refuge, I rush to my room. Falling into bed, I bury my face in my pillow so my crying won't be heard. I think about how I might suffocate like this and that would be fine. No. I can't think like that. I can't let the baby feel these terrible, dark urges to kill the pain tearing me apart.

  "I know I'm making a bad start as a mom, but no one is sad forever. Right? I won't let you have a sad mom like your dad did," I say to reassure the baby and myself, but that reminder of Vince doesn't help me stay calm. I tried to reach him and I couldn't. His pain ran too deep. In the end, I was nothing to him but a temporary distraction.

  Why did I let myself love him?

  Somehow I manage to get myself to my classes, but at the end of the day I hardly remember what I did, what classes I went to. I do remember sitting on the library steps where Deirdre found me. Without meaning to, I told her that I got dumped by a non-boyfriend, and she got mad at Vince on my behalf. And I didn't even tell her that I was pregnant. I wasn't planning to tell her anything at all. The words just spilled out, like someone else said them.

  I sleepwalked through a few hours at work too. Tamara didn't send me away to rest up, so I must have done Ok.

  Now I'm sitting on the edge of my bed. My whole day seems meaningless and empty. I don't know what's the point of just going through the motions, but I don't know what else to do.

  At this hour, I should be going to bed but I'm afraid. Now that I'm alone in the dark, I feel like despair will swallow me. I barely got through the day by following my routine, putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know how to get through a whole night thinking about Vince leaving me, not loving me, despising me.

  When I finally get too tired to just sit there, I get into bed. Hoping to fall asleep, I close my eyes and try to let go of everything. It's no good. My chest is tight. The tightness is spreading, rising up to my throat like it will choke me. I need to escape this pain that's strangling me in my bed, but there's no escape for me. Sleep just won't come.

  This is nothing like the restless, sleepless nights of before when I couldn't stop dreaming about Vince even when I was awake. Back then my body was too alive, too wound up to let me sleep. Now I feel dead inside. I don't toss and turn. I don't have the will to move. I feel deathly cold and utterly alone as I lie awake and stare at the ceiling.

  Tears roll from the corners of my eyes while Vince's voice rings in my ears, telling me he's done with me. It's like some part of me can't believe that he's really gone, that he doesn't want me until the truth is beaten into my stupid heart over and over again.

  The first rays of morning sunshine find me awake. But I still lie there like nothing has changed because inside me it's still dark. This room seems so gloomy to me, but I know it's not the room.

  Sunshine is streaming into my bedroom, but I don't want to get up maybe not ever. Feeling so hopeless, the only thing that keeps me going is this little life inside me. But I hate to think how unwelcome this baby will be when he or she comes into this world.

  I feel so wretched. I can hardly raise my head off the pillow. Forcing myself to get up, I leave my room and the café as quickly as I can so I don't have to face anyone. I'm taking the late shift today, and I'm supposed to spend the morning studying.

  Knowing I won't get a thing done if I stay cooped up in my room, I go to the library. Nothing over there is likely to remind me of Vince. Once I'm sitting at a table in the library, I do get some studying done though there are long stretches when I just stare off into space, forgetting where I am and what I'm supposed to be doing.

  It's close to the time when I should be finishing up so I can get to the cafe on time. Lack of sleep is catching up with me, and I rub my eyes. I blink a few times and notice Charlene with her short blond hair, her bright eyes and confident smile as she talks to two other girls.

  I wish I was her. I wish I was anyone but myself. I don't want to be in my own skin, but I can't escape it. I can't even escape the flashes of Vince touching me, his lips soft, his teeth sharp, his eyes fierce as they sink into mine. Everything that should be fleeting is carved into me, indelible.

  Vince isn't even here, but he won't let me go. He couldn't wait to get away from me and now he's haunting me. How am I ever supposed to forget him when I can't stop reliving every moment I spent with him? My heart and my body won't let me forget him, and every touch, every whisper is seared into my soul.

  As I'm fighting the demons of my own making, Charlene comes up to me, and I hardly notice her until she says hi. She gives me a sympathetic smile. "You look like you're barely hanging on. You sick, tired or both?" she asks.

  "Oh, I'm Ok," I say blandly and attempt a smile.

  Though Charlene doesn't know me all that well, my pathetic attempt at a smile doesn't quite convince her. "Did something go wrong with your guy?" Her guess is a little too good.

  "You could say that, but he was never my guy. I just didn't get that through my head until it was too late," I tell her.

  "Is he with someone else?" she asks tentatively.

  "Who knows? He left town," I say in a tight whisper and try not to think about how far Vince must have gotten by now. Not that it matters. He was always out of my reach even when he was as close to me as any human being has ever been, even when we were conceiving this child inside me.

  Seeing how down I am, Charlene tries to cheer me up. "It's his loss. There are a lot of great guys out there," she says.

  I want to tell her that there is only one Vince. I'll never want anyone the way I wanted him, with my whole heart. But I'll have to get over him one of these days and start looking at other guys. The way I feel now, I'm sure I'll never be able to do it. I'm in no rush anyway. I have the baby to think of. And the way I am right now, I can hardly get through the day much less think about the future.

  "When you're ready, I know one or two cute guys I can introduce you to," Charlene says.

  She sounds so upbeat, like there is some sunny future out there for me. With my heart mangled beyond recognition, I can't imagine ever being ready. I'm on the edge of despair at every second, barely hanging on. "Sorry. I don't think I can talk about this any more," I tell her. "Sorry."

  "No. I'm sorry. I can be kind of pushy," she says with an apologetic smile.

  "Don't worry about it. I'm just taking it hard. My friend Deirdre told me pretty much the same thing you did, only louder. She was all, 'Forget that asshole. He doesn't deserve you.' And she claimed she could find me ten better guys in half a minute," I say to Charlene. I don't want to make her feel bad for trying to make me feel better.

  "And I thought I was pushy," she says. "I need to up my game."

  "Deirdre is fierce." Thinking back to how fired up she got makes me smile. "Her fighting spirit puts me to shame. She was always telling me not to be such a pushover. I should have listened," I say as I gather up my things, ready to go. I have my shift at the café soon, so it's not li
ke I'm just trying to escape the conversation.

  As I head to work, I tell myself to just keep doing what I need to do, just keep pushing forward. If I could survive losing my dad, this should be nothing. I did have my mom to lean on then. Now I'm not sure how she'll react when I tell her what's going on with me. Once she's back from her little getaway with Curtis, I'll talk to her and hope for the best.

  Until then I'm going to keep busy and try not to think about everything that's gone wrong, especially not about Vince. I can't say that I was happy when Vince was here anyway. There were too many ups and downs. I had moments of such intense joy and ecstasy, but there was misery too, mostly when Vince wasn't there to torment me with his body, with the mean things he said and with his beautiful, cold, blue eyes.

  But even when he was terrible to me, I could have never imagined that the worst thing he could do to me was leave me.

  Chapter 24

  ~

  Vince

  The GTO is eating up the miles and I only stop to refill the gas tank and drink something caffeinated. When night falls, I just keep driving. I don't stop to sleep or even to rest, and I still can't seem to get far enough away. I don't know why the hell not? It feels like I'm dragging my heart behind me, letting it get beat up and bloody on the road. Why won't it just die so the pain can go with it?

  I left a girl because I was done with her. She served her purpose. She calmed me, made me feel a little less insane for a while. In the end, I ended up wrecking the peace she tried so hard to preserve, but the damage could have been worse, especially with Maryanne being pregnant. I might not like the idea of that baby, but I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to it.

  I've driven half the night. I should be able to keep going, but I'm getting distracted. Seeing the time and the stars filling the sky, I think how I never took a dip in the pool with Julie at midnight. I never took her bikini off underwater or fucked her right there in the pool making waves splash all around us.