Samurai Zombie Hunter

by Cristian YoungMiller

  Not finding what he was looking for in Van’s eyes, Kofi faced the darkness and fell to his knees. He couldn’t control himself as he blubbered over what he had just done. The experience had been very different from pushing the driver out of the window years ago. When he had done that it was in desperate defense of his friend; what he had just done felt a lot more like murder. He had murdered another human being tonight and all of his tears were the result.

  Van looked around and felt an uneasy feeling come over him. The only light now came from the street lamps that lit the bridges above. Those lights created bright pools, but everywhere else was darkness from which he was sure they were being watched.

  “Pull it together Kofi. I think we need to get out of here.”

  Kofi looked up from the ground and noticed how dark everything had become. Fear began to overtake his sadness.

  “Come on,” Van said, turning toward the car.

  Van and Kofi gripped their swords tightly as they progressed to a jog. Ahead of them was a bright pool of light but behind that pool was nothing but darkness. As the guys approached the darkness they heard a sound loud and grotesque enough to make them stop. A thing came out of the darkness. It was a zombie, but one unlike either man had ever seen.

  On the streets or on their assignments they had only seen zombies that still resembled humans: walking upright and with some semblance of rationality and calculation. What stood before them now was bent and broken with flesh peeling off of it. This new thing dripped clear ooze from open wounds all over its mangled flesh. And worst of all, no level of reason seemed to still exist in this zombie’s eyes.

  Fighting the chill that ran down his spine, Van knew that this was one of the walking dead. This creature was driven more by impulse than conscious thought and for all practical purposes this creature was already dead.

  Van steadied himself as, from behind the zombie, another and then another of the undead appeared. Soon the riverbed was flooded with lumbering creatures and Van could only think of one thing to do: fight.

  He lifted his sword and ran toward the first one. With a powerful strike its body fell apart, clearing the way for another. Van struck again and the replacement’s head rolled off; but again the creature was replaced by another.

  Van backed away and allowed the full magnitude of the situation to become visible. Apparently this wasn’t the Los Angeles River, this was actually Shit Creek. And as far as either man could tell, neither one had a paddle.

  “Attack!” Van yelled back at Kofi. With his sword held high, Van lunged forward. He moved just as he had practiced so many times before. It was as if Van were trapped in a bubble where with each movement and turn a body part flew off. These zombies were slow and Van was fast, so as zombies fell, their dismembered corpses stacked up.

  Van wasn’t the only one swinging though. Kofi, in his panic, killed a few zombies on his own. And when his efforts were paired with Van’s the two men were like a vicious lawnmower that cleared a way through the creatures toward a spot near the incline.

  “Get up the wall, I’ll protect you,” Van yelled back to Kofi.

  Without a word, Kofi headed up the incline reaching his hands forward to balance himself. Still stationary at the bottom of the incline, Van found it difficult to stay ahead of all of the approaching death. Van found that as soon as he dissected one, another one replaced it and got a little closer. And once he had killed that one, the replacement zombie stepped onto its fallen comrade and reached even closer.

  With no room to swing, Van tilted his sword and struck upwards, removing the hands of the zombie in front of him just as another zombie grabbed at his leg. It was like being swarmed by ants: they were all over Van, touching and pulling. And the only thing Van could do in response was turn around and climb.

  The zombies below had a hard time making it up the incline. In fact, the only thing they could do was push down the zombie in front of them and climb on top of it.

  Van and Kofi were almost to their car by the time the zombie pile was high enough for one to escape. By the time the first of them had dragged their lame bodies into the light of the street, Kofi had already spun the car around and headed toward the highway.

  As the car drove away, Van looked back. There wasn’t just one zombie limping through the darkness anymore - there were dozens. It was like L.A.’s skin had been breached and it bled zombies. The zombie epidemic was worse than anyone had imagined.

  “I need a drink,” Kofi said, breaking the silence.

  “I need a lot more than that,” Van said in agreement. Then, after glancing down at his samurai attire, “But first I need to change.”

  Van and Kofi entered Fenga, one of the few Downtown L.A. clubs of note. All eyes in the club turned to them.

  Neither Van nor Kofi were as enamored of their celebrity this time around. They no longer saw what they did as a game. They’d become the centerpiece in a struggle between humanity and the undead and were celebrities as a result. They were folk heroes with less folk and more zombie blood, and this insight made their celebrity less fun.

  Walking through the crowd of people who hadn’t just killed other living beings, Kofi felt something he had never felt before: a true loss of inhibition. In the L.A. River he had seen the future of the world. And with humanity’s destiny weighing so heavily on his shoulders, he didn’t even feel his self-consciousness.

  Kofi surveyed the crowd and spotted a woman with long dark hair, D-cup boobs and a low cut dress that showed them off.

  “That one’s mine,” Kofi said without waiting for permission.

  Kofi led Van over to the girl who stood with her girlfriends near the bar. Kofi watched as the girl looked over her shoulder at him and blushed. He then noted her empty drink and flirtatious look away.

  Standing in front of the tall girl, he tilted his head up and whispered into her ear.

  “Do you know who I am?”

  The woman looked back and smiled. “I know who you are.”

  Kofi couldn’t be bothered to smile back. “Come with me, I’ll buy you a drink.”

  The woman was taken off guard by Kofi’s aggressive nature, but she complied because she liked it.

  Van followed Kofi to the bar. Kofi pushed his way through those in front of him and yelled to the bartender. “Rum and Coke and whatever she’s having.”

  The bartender looked at the woman who held up her glass, nodded, and made the drinks.

  Van pushed his way next to Kofi at the bar. When he did, Kofi’s woman saw Van and smiled.

  “Don’t look at him, look at me,” Kofi said without hesitation.

  “And why should I do that?” the woman asked playfully.

  “Because I’m the one with my hand up your skirt.”

  Van, hearing Kofi’s declaration, looked over. Kofi’s little sausages were indeed clutched between the woman’s legs and the smile on her face made clear that she liked it.

  Van turned back to the bar to give them their privacy. Staring at the bottles of liquor in front of him, he felt something soft brush his hand. Looking over, he found that an attractive woman had made herself available to him. Locking eyes with her, he spoke.

  “Do you know who I am?” he asked.

  The cute girl blushed. “Yeah.”

  Without another word, he walked away and looked for someone else.

  A few feet away, another girl was standing with a friend. Both were 22-year-old, cute party girls. Van approached the nearest one and yelled down to her. “Do you know who I am?”

  The closest girl turned to face him but it was the other who answered. “We both do.”

  Van again turned and walked away. The next person that Van spotted was a more conservative - but still cute – girl who approached the bar. He pushed through the crowd to her. “Do you know who I am?” Van asked.

  The girl looked up at Van and then back at the bar. “No. Am I supposed to?”

  “No, you’re not. Can I buy you a drink?” Van asked with relief.


  “Only if you buy my girlfriends drinks as well.” The girl pointed back at the girls sitting on the couch next to the dance floor. “I’m pretty sure they don’t know who you are either, if that helps.”

  Van smiled. “I would love to buy them drinks if you stay and talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry, I was taught never to talk to strangers,” the woman retorted.

  “I’m Van.”

  “I know who you are now. Does that mean you won’t buy our drinks?”

  “You know who I am?” Van asked disappointedly.

  “Yes, you’re Van. Were you not here just now when you said it? Hmm, I must have mistaken you for someone else.”

  “What?” Van said, a little confused by what was going on.

  “Oh, but you’re not too quick, though. Ok, I know who you are. You’re Van and, sadly, you’re not too quick.”

  “I’m quick,” Van said defensively. “I’m quick in other ways.”

  “Oh,” the woman said feigning surprise. She leaned over and whispered to him, “I don’t know if you should be bragging about that.”

  Van was taken back. He had never before met anyone who had unbalanced him so quickly after meeting them.

  The girl pushed through to the bar where four drinks were waiting for her. “So, now I’m confused. Who’s paying for this again?”

  Van snapped out of his trance. “Me. I’m paying for it.” Van retrieved a credit card and handed it to the bartender. “So I guess that means that you’re gonna stay and talk to me?”

  “I guess, as long as you promise not to make it quick.”

  “I won’t make it quick. I promise.”

  “Then I will take these drinks to my girls and I will be right back.”

  “I’ll help you,” Van volunteered.

  “No, I got it. But you get points for offering. Get enough points and you win a prize.”

  “Really?” Van said dumbly.

  The girl looked at Van waiting for more. When nothing came she filled in, “I guess I did ask you not to be quick. I’ll give you a few charity points for following instructions but that’s the only charity I’m gonna give you. You’ll have to earn the rest.” The girl looked back with a charming smile and a sassy head flip as she went to her friends on the couch.

  Van was hooked. With her gone, he turned around to get the attention of the bartender. The girl might not have known who Van was, but the bartender certainly did. Van ordered an Elmo and it came right away.

  Sipping on his drink, Van checked in on Kofi. The look on his friend’s face and that of the big-breasted woman made Van think that Kofi’s sausage finger was now fully inserted into her in-slot. Kofi looked happy.

  Van then spun around to see his girl coming back to him. She looked Van dead in the eye as she walked.

  “My friends say that you look like you’re bad news. They made me promise that if you were bad news I had to immediately leave you and come back to them. So tell me Mr. Van, the quick-yet-not-quick man that I do not know, are you bad news?”

  Van stopped and thought about the question. A voice in his head screamed that he was bad news. How could he not be bad news? He was a zombie that made his living hunting other zombies. He was, unfortunately, a terrible lover. And he had once stolen a girl’s childhood teddy bear to get her back for something petty like not going down on him fast enough. Van was the definition of bad news.

  “No, I’m not bad news,” he assured.

  “Good, then, I’ll stay.”

  “So what’s your name?” Van asked the tall, fair-skinned woman with the thick eyebrows.

  “Lilly. But if it helps, you can call me L-pain. It’ll help you to remember me better.”

  “I think I can remember Lilly.”

  “Are you sure, because isn’t L-pain one of your people’s traditional names?” the woman asked unapologetically.

  “My people?” Van asked, aware of his dark complexion and a little offended.

  “Yeah, your people. I’m sorry, I might be mistaken. Are you not half douche?” the woman said with a devilish smile.

  “Wow, did you just call me a douche?” Van said stunned.

  “No, I would never say that. Half douche. It’s the shirt. The light’s shining off of it and blinding me a little. But don’t worry – I speak douche, so we’re cool.”

  Van looked down at his shirt. It was his incandescent light olive shirt. It was one of his favorites. He didn’t know what to say.

  “Do you want your drink back?” L-pain asked.

  “You’re rough,” Van managed.

  “Something tells me that you can take it. You look like the type that likes it rough. It’s the shirt again. But hey, I’m sure the boys really appreciate the shine.”

  “Whoa! I think I made a mistake buying you a drink,” Van said, not knowing how else to respond.

  “Did you? I guess it’s better finding out now instead of when we were both naked in bed. I might have ended up hurting you with my rough play,” Lilly offered, trying to reel Van back in.

  Again taken off balance by Lilly’s word play, Van said what he was thinking. “I’ve decided that you’re beautiful but you’re mean.”

  “Beautiful, eh?”

  “You’re not the most beautiful one in here but, maybe if you weren’t so mean, you might be.”

  “Did I hurt your feelings?” Lilly asked, in a slightly more sympathetic tone.

  “Yes you did.” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m told I can be a little hard on guys. I promise that I will be a little nicer.”

  Telling Lilly that she had hurt his feelings was the most vulnerable he had made himself in years. The fact that she hadn’t used the information to emotionally crush him was surprising.

  “So now that you’re not being mean, do you have nothing to say?” Van quipped without thinking.

  “Oh, look who’s being mean now,” Lilly replied, slightly hurt.

  “That’s mean? I’m just wondering if you have a softer side.”

  “Yeah I have a softer side. Like all great sweets it’s under the hard shell. I think it makes it even better when you get to it.”

  “I hope it’s not too deep down. My life expectancy isn’t that long.”

  “Well it will take longer than a night.”

  “I will have to see you again then,” Van said flirtatiously.

  “Perhaps.” She looked confidently into his eyes. “So tell me, mysterious stranger who everyone knows but me, why is your life expectancy so short?”

  Van looked away wishing that he hadn’t said it. “Humans only live to 70, right?”

  Lilly read him instantly. “So are you not gonna tell me? Is that how you’re gonna be?”

  He knew that she had seen through him. And although she was still smiling, something in him knew that he was on the edge of losing her. Van didn’t know anything about this girl except that he didn’t want to lose her. “No. It’s just that if I tell you what I do, I think that you’re gonna like me more and I’m gonna like you less.”

  Lilly was not sure if this response was crafted to make her more interested. “Now I have to know. And I promise not to like you more because of it.”

  “I don’t think you can make that promise.”

  “I’m pretty good at keeping promises.”

  “Ok, but don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you.”

  “Got it,” Lilly said, taking a sip at her drink.

  “I’m a samurai.”

  “You’re a samurai?”

  “Yeah, I’m a samurai who hunts zombies,” Van said waiting for the gushing to start.

  Lilly looked at Van. Her expression didn’t change. “See, promise kept. In fact I like you less.”

  Van was unprepared for her response.

  “You lied to me Van.”

  “How so?” Van asked, his voice nearly trembling.

  “You said that you weren’t bad news. You are bad news. And now
I have to keep another promise I made and walk away.”

  “No, you don’t have to do that,” Van said with a little desperation in his voice.

  “I can’t be selective about the promises I keep Van. If I keep one of them, I have to keep them all,” Lilly said with a forced smile.

  Lilly turned to walk away. “Wait.” His response was instant and, luckily, it stopped her. “You’re right. I am bad news Lilly. I’m sorry for lying to you. But if you ever talk to me again, I promise that will be the last lie.”

  Although she didn’t show it, she liked his declaration of honesty. In fact, it worked. She wanted to see him again. “Don’t tell me all of your secrets. A girl likes a guy with a little mystery to him.” She turned around and walked away.

  Van watched her leave. When she was a few steps from her friends, she looked back. Their eyes met. After that she never looked back again.

  Van had never experienced an exchange like he had with Lilly. He didn’t even have the words to express what he felt because of it. All he knew was that he was uncontrollably drawn to her and he wanted to talk to her again as quickly as possible. But when it was clear that Lilly was done with him for the night he looked around for Kofi.