Louisiana Hotshot
Page 29
Eddie was feeling so expansive, he said to her, “Ya got a boyfriend? Always room for one more.”
To which Angie replied, “I thought you thought I was a dyke.”
Damned if Eddie didn’t blush. “Goddammit. Bring yours then, Ms. Wallis.”
“Audrey already asked him. Along with his daughter, my mother, Cassandra, her father and his girlfriend, Shaneel, and her mama. Is that too many black folks for you?”
He looked at her seriously. “No. No, Ms. Wallis. That’s about the right amount— just so long as Miz Clara doesn’t bring a boyfriend.”
Miz Clara had brought him greens and chicken twice a week during his recovery, and he claimed to have fallen in love with her.
Talba, meanwhile, had met Darryl’s daughter, Raisa, twice, and found her as difficult as advertised. Yet it was Darryl’s weekend to have her, and it wasn’t a good time to mess with her schedule. So Raisa was coming.
The air was thick with citronella when Talba got there. Tables were all over the backyard, covered with newspaper, and two great cauldrons of crawfish, potatoes, and corn bubbled away. There were also tubs packed with beer and soft drinks for the children, of whom, Talba was relieved to see, there were quite a few. What did I expect! she thought. These people are Italian.
To her immense relief, Shaneel and Cassandra took a shine to Raisa, who, even Talba agreed, was an exquisite child.
Though her mother was black, some ancestor hadn’t been. The girl had taupe-colored skin and shiny hair that billowed behind her in a golden cloud. Talba had never seen anything like it on any child, black or white, and it was probably going to turn dark in a year or two; but right now, it was ethereal.
Because she looked so much like an angel, you could almost forget that at any given moment she might throw a tantrum.
With luck, she’d grow out of it. And with more luck, she’d remain angelic at least another few minutes.
Talba had a poem to perform— the one she’d promised Eileen Fisher so long before. Between the consumption of crustaceans and the playing of blues, she took the floor.
“For all y’all who don’t know me, I am the Baroness de Pontalba, also known as Eddie Valentino’s humble assistant. While I do write and perform poetry on a regular basis, I’ve never exactly written a poem in this form before. But because of the kind of person we all know Eddie is, I put in a lot of special effort to come up with something ethnically appropriate. Ya’ll ready?”
Tony, who’d been carefully coached, led the cheering.
“It’s kind of a new thing for me, now. Okay, here goes.”
Tony, who’d borrowed a drum to accompany her, tapped out a rap.
Mistah Eddie Valentino he a one of a kind
He a crime-fightin’private eye that ev’rybody know
He talk like a thug, but he ain’t your average Joe
He look like a thug, but he really know his wine—
He’d act like a thug if his family weren’t so fine.
Got some moves when he clash with Mistah Dangerous Foe
Gettin’ old, but got his ducks pretty much in a row
You a thug, you a gangsta, make you cry and make you whine
But ain’t none of that stuff what makes the dude unique—
Got backpacks hangin’ down the front of his mug
Now you could carry the mail in them pouches on his face,
’Cause the baldface truth is the man is a freak,
He got sleepin’ bags for squirrels, they big enough to hug
‘Cause the baldface truth is the detective’s a case!
When she was finished, and had received her share of foot-stompin’ appreciation, she bowed in her usual regal fashion: “The Baroness myself thanks you.”
She was leaving the stage in triumph, when Tony, next on the program, took the mike and fed her the straight lines she’d requested: “Not so fast, Baroness. Come on back up here.”
When she had obeyed, he said, “I don’t quite understand your logic here. I know you wanted to honor my father and all, but just how exactly is a rap ethnically appropriate to a man whose last name ends with a vowel?”
“Baby, that wasn’t no rap.”
“Come on, Baroness. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…”
“Well, then, it’s a wop poem.”
“If that’s a wop poem, you and I were listening to some different quacking.”
“No, we heard the same quacking. My interpretation threw you off a little, that’s all.”
“What do you mean, your interpretation? I think I know a rap when I hear one.”
“Well, Tony, honey, I just said your daddy a fourteen-line poem in iambic pentameter with one octet and one sestet, and a rhyme scheme of ABBA in the octet and CDE in the sestet.” She turned full face to the audience. “You know what you call that, Mr. Eddie Valentino? That is a very ethnically appropriate Petrarchan sonnet. Known familiarly as an Italian sonnet.” She bowed again, but before the expected applause could get started, Eddie slipped in and got the last word.
“Ciao, grazie,” he said. And then, expansive as a talk show host: “Arrivederci, alligator.” Talba never was sure whether the resulting applause was for her or for him.
THE END
Acknowledgments
So much goes into a book and so many people contribute! Some are sources of information, some sources of inspiration, and some are sources for the sources. In the course of writing this one, Chris Wiltz, Betsy Petersen, Marigny Pecot, Prieur and Mathilde Leary, AJ. Valenti, Linda Buczek, Chuck Hustmyre, Andy J. Forest, Ken White, Sonya Hardy, Roger at Spytek 2000, and Pat Brady generously provided counsel and shared their expertise. I’m hugely grateful to them all, as well as to my agents, Charlotte Sheedy and Vicky Bijur; and to Win Blevins, the kind of editor they don’t make any more. Finally, my most special thanks of all go to Lee Pryor, untier of plot knots, tireless location-finder, and the kind of husband they don’t make anymore.
WE GUARANTEE OUR BOOKS…
AND WE LISTEN TO OUR READERS
We’ll give you your money back if you find as many as five errors in this book. (That’s five verified errors—punctuation or spelling that leaves no room for judgment calls or alternatives.)
If you find more than five, we’ll give you a dollar for every one you catch up to twenty.
More than that and we reproof and remake the book. Email julie@booksbnimble.com and it shall be done!
The next Talba Wallis mystery is LOUISIANA BIGSHOT; find out about it at www.booksbnimble.com or www.juliesmithauthor.com/
The Talba Wallis Series
LOUISIANA HOTSHOT
LOUISIANA BIGSHOT
LOUISIANA LAMENT
P.I. ON A HOT TIN ROOF
“Unusual subject matter, set off by an appealing but streetwise heroine makes this a strongly recommended choice for most mystery collections.”
— The Library Journal
“Julie Smith has created many wonderful characters, and private investigator Talba Wallis is the most complex and fascinating of them all. A lively supporting cast, a vibrant portrait of New Orleans, and a plot that’s sure to baffle make Louisiana Bigshot a standout. If you haven’t read Smith before, this is the time to start. If you’re a fan, you’re in for yet another treat.”
— Marcia Muller, bestselling author of Dead Midnight
Also by Julie Smith:
The Skip Langdon Series
NEW ORLEANS MOURNING
THE AXEMAN’S JAZZ
JAZZ FUNERAL
DEATH BEFORE FACEBOOK
(formerly NEW ORLEANS BEAT)
HOUSE OF BLUES
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
CRESCENT CITY CONNECTION
(formerly CRESCENT CITY KILL)
82 DESIRE
MEAN WOMAN BLUES
The Rebecca Schwartz Series
DEATH TURNS A TRICK
THE SOURDOUGH WARS
TOURIST TRAP
DEAD IN THE WATER
OTHER PEOPLE’S SKELETONS
The Paul Mcdonald Series
TRUE-LIFE ADVENTURE
HUCKLEBERRY FIEND
As Well As
WRITING YOUR WAY: THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL TRACK
NEW ORLEANS NOIR (ed.)
And don’t miss ALWAYS OTHELLO, a Skip Langdon story, as well as the brand new short story, PRIVATE CHICK, which asks the question, “Is this country ready for a drag queen detective?” More info at www.booksBnimble.com.
If you enjoyed this book, would you consider reviewing it on your favorite website? The author would be most grateful!
And let us keep you up-to-date on all our forthcoming mysteries. Sign up for our mailing list at www.booksbnimble.com
About the Author
Julie Smith is a New Orleans writer and former reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle and the New Orleans Times-Picayune. NEW ORLEANS MOURNING, her first novel featuring New Orleans cop Skip Langdon, won the Edgar Allan Poe Award for Best Novel, and she has since published eight more highly acclaimed books in the series, plus spun off a second New Orleans series featuring PI and poet Talba Wallis.
She is also the author of the Rebecca Schwartz series and the Paul Mcdonald series, plus the YA novels CURSEBUSTERS! and EXPOSED. In addition to her novels, she’s written numerous essays and short stories and is the editor of NEW ORLEANS NOIR.