Girl in the Song

by Chrissy Cymbala Toledo

  For weeks I kept mulling over the past seven or so years of my life . . . all of the wasted time, all the lost opportunities, especially the way I had hurt my family. My heart ached when I considered how I had shamed them and how I took advantage of their resources—knowing that when I was a young teen I could have talked to my mom but didn’t. A weight of regret bore down on me as I thought of my expulsion from Bible school and the incredible jobs I had forfeited. Most painful of all was recognizing the amount of time I had invested in a relationship that went nowhere.

  I began to see that although I was home and God had set me free, I still needed healing on the inside. My heart . . . it felt like it was full of thorns—thorns that my mistakes had put there.

  One Sunday morning at church, Mom gracefully walked across the platform when it was time for the choir to sing. I was sitting in the back of the sanctuary, wishing I could be incognito that day. As the intro to the song began, I knew it right away. The last time I’d heard the choir sing this song, I was in the congregation, concealing my pregnancy, my heart stone cold. Now the soloist walked up to the mic, closed her eyes, and sang:

  Smile, make ’em think you’re happy

  Lie and say that things are fine

  And hide that empty longing that you feel

  Don’t ever show it, just keep your heart concealed.

  She was singing about me—the unhappy life I had lived. As she sang, I broke down so hard that the woman next to me put her arm around me and began praying. The song continued:

  Why are the days so lonely?

  I wonder where, where can a heart go free

  And who will dry the tears that no one’s seen?

  There must be someone to share your silent dreams

  Caught like a leaf in the wind

  Lookin’ for a friend, where can you turn?

  Whisper the words of a prayer and you’ll find Him there

  Arms open wide, love in His eyes.

  Jesus, He’ll meet you where you are

  Jesus, He heals your secret scars

  All the love you’re longing for is Jesus

  The friend of a wounded heart.

  God’s sweet presence came over me in such a way that I felt as though I were the only one in that room. He was speaking directly to me as the song was being sung. I wept uncontrollably as I released every mistake I had ever made and every regret I carried.

  At that moment I could almost feel God taking my heart into His gentle hands, and He began to pull out every thorn—one by one.

  I love you Chrissy, He said. You belong to Me now. It’s over.

  The next morning, before leaving for work, I came up behind Mom while she was making breakfast and gave her a hug. “Mom, the choir really ministered to me yesterday. I meant to tell you that God used the song to touch me in a powerful way. I’d love to talk to you more about it later when I get home.”

  “Oh Chris, I’m so glad to hear that! And it’s so interesting that you would bring up the choir this morning because I wanted to talk to you about it. I was wondering . . . do you feel ready to join?”

  JOIN THE CHOIR?

  I don’t want to join the choir.

  “Really, Mom? Don’t you think it would be better if I just start focusing on the piano? I mean, I think I’m more of a musician than a singer anyway.”

  Despite my reluctance, for some reason Mom was insistent that it was a good idea. So the following Friday night I sat in the alto section—the newest member of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir.

  I was pretty uncomfortable being so visible in the choir loft, although I tried not to show it. As thankful as I was for being back at the church, my return drew enough attention, and I would have preferred to blend in for a while. But then I reminded myself that if I was going to follow my parents’ counsel, I had to trust that they saw something I didn’t see in all of this.

  The choir members each had an assigned choir leader, sort of like an overseer, when it came to things like attendance and tardiness. Mom appointed them to help manage such a large choir. The person assigned to me was strict to begin with, and seemed to be even harder on me. I made up my mind to be faithful to my commitment, though, and was learning to follow through on something for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t about to disappoint my mom, and as the weeks passed, I began to enjoy choir, truly in awe of how Mom did what she did. Watching from the inside now, I could see clearly God enabling and helping her.

  Life felt so narrow. I felt such a squeeze sometimes with working as a receptionist, being in the choir, and taking care of Susie. Yes, I was learning how to be responsible, but being responsible didn’t come naturally for me. And when I had free time, I made a conscious decision to limit my church friends to those who had a positive influence on me. I just couldn’t afford to be pulled back in any way.

  Weeks had gone by, and one evening when I was home alone with Susie and feeling a little sorry for myself, the phone rang.

  “Hey Chris, it’s Al. How are you?”

  Cradling the receiver between my ear and my shoulder, I continued to prepare Susie’s dinner as we talked. “I’m good, Al. How are things with you?”

  Since I had been back, my good friend Al and I hadn’t had much of a chance to catch up. I was glad to hear from him. We hadn’t really talked since the day I had gone to his apartment.

  “Everything’s great. Hey, we haven’t hung out in a while, and I was wondering if you’d like to take a ride with Jimmy and me to Rhode Island next Saturday.”

  “Wow, what for?”

  “Well, I’ve been praying about going to Bible college, and when I talked to your dad, he told me that there was a school in Barrington, Rhode Island, called Zion Bible Institute that I should check out.”

  “Sure, let me see if my mom can babysit. I’d love to come with you guys.”

  Driving along I-95 through parts of the beautiful New England landscape with Al and Jimmy was a lot of fun. We laughed quite a bit and acted pretty silly, but it was cool to hear them talk about what God was doing in both of their lives. Along the way, we stopped to grab lunch and ate in the car; it felt good to get away from the city, even if it was just for a day.

  When we arrived at the school entrance, we found lush green foliage blanketing the grounds that lined the winding driveway leading onto campus. A building resembling a castle stood out as a centerpiece—it was majestic; I hadn’t anticipated the campus being so beautiful. Someone from the admissions office took the guys and me on a tour through the different buildings, while I half listened to all the questions Al asked about the school and how it operated.

  We stopped outside one of the dormitories, where our guide began telling us some of the history of the school.

  “Excuse me,” I interrupted. “Do you accept students with children?”

  She gave me a puzzled look. “No, we don’t.”

  Why did I ask her that? I was embarrassed that I’d asked the question out of the blue, and dismissed the idea immediately. Bible college was a bad memory, and the thought of leaving home didn’t sit well with me, anyway. On our way out, Al stopped by the admissions office to pick up the paperwork for enrollment before we headed back to New York.

  The next day was Sunday and I went about my usual routine: getting the baby and myself ready for church, singing in the choir for two of our three services, and preparing that night for work the next day. There was nothing that hinted this was going to be an unusual week . . . and then Wednesday came.

  Sitting at my desk, I watched a slow stream of people moving around the reception area. The phone lines had died down to intermittent calls throughout the hour, so I decided to start filing the papers that had piled up in my in-box.

  Halfway through the stack I felt kind of weird, almost as if I were in a dream. As I moved steadily through the pile, my heart started beating faster. All of a sudden, it was like God was nudging me and saying, “Chrissy, you’re leaving.” I felt it again, but this time the nudge was stronger: �
��Chrissy, you’re going to Zion Bible Institute.”

  Confused, I thought that this was the strangest idea going through my mind. How is that possible? I couldn’t be there even if I wanted to because the tour guide said they don’t accommodate children on campus.

  Once again the strong impression came. “And I am sending you there.” My eyes shot up to the clock that hung on the wall in front of me: 12:20. Barely containing my excitement, I put my purse on the desk, eagerly waiting for my lunch break to begin in ten minutes. Then, racing home, I burst through the door, looking for both my parents.

  “Dad!” I called down to his office. “Could you come up here for a minute?” Mom was sitting in the kitchen tending to the baby. They both sat down, obviously anxious about what I was going to say.

  “This may sound crazy, but while I was at my desk this morning . . . it was as if God spoke to my heart.”

  Their eyes widened—they weren’t used to hearing me talk this way.

  “I had such a strong sense that God was saying I’d be going to the Bible college I visited last Saturday with Al and Jimmy . . . you know, Zion Bible Institute?”

  “Yes, that’s a great school,” Dad said.

  “Well, I’m just so confused because I know I can’t be a student there with Susie, but what I experienced today was so real.”

  Dad’s eyes met Mom’s, and then he looked at me. “It could be that God is doing something here. It just so happens that I know the president, Ben Crandall, and his wife, Jeanne. Dr. Crandall married your mom and me. But not only that, Chrissy—he was the one who dedicated you to God when you were a baby. I have his number; let’s call him right now.”

  As my dad walked to the wall phone in the kitchen and started dialing, I sat at the table with Mom, too nervous to even think about eating lunch. Dad stepped into another room with the phone, and I could barely make out what he was saying. The longer the conversation went on, the more I braced myself for this whole thing to be just a figment of my imagination.

  When he finally came back into the kitchen, he was still holding the phone, one hand covering the receiver. “Chrissy, Dr. Crandall and his wife want to talk to you.” I reached out and took the receiver apprehensively as Dad handed it to me.

  “Hello? Yes ma’am . . . yes . . . oh, wow . . . okay . . . y-yes sir, I will call you then. Thank you. God bless you, too. Good-bye.”

  “Dad! Did Dr. Crandall tell you?”

  “Yes, Chrissy. He did,” he said, smiling.

  “Mom, you won’t believe this. They want me to come for the fall semester. I’m not going there as a student—they want me to come on staff to direct the school choir!”

  Dad reached for Mom’s arm, just as excited as I was. “Jeanne had been praying for God to send someone to lead the choir, and when I called, she felt sure that Chrissy was the one. She got on the phone and began to praise God out loud for answering her prayers.”

  As everything began to sink in, the rush of emotions turned into hurried words that spilled out of my mouth. “But Mom, lead a choir? I’ve never led anything in my life! Dad, do they know that I had a baby? I mean—” My mind was racing, riddled with so many questions that circled back to one: How could this be happening?

  “Chrissy, first . . . yes. They do know you have a baby. And second . . . they didn’t ask if you knew how to lead a choir.” He looked deeply into my eyes, his voice catching. “Mom and I have always known that God’s hand is on your life, and only He could have done this.”

  When I returned to the office, I picked up where I had left off with the filing, although it was difficult to concentrate on my work for the rest of the afternoon. I was still stunned by what had happened over lunch.

  This has to be a mistake. I’ve been back for only a few months. How can this be? But they wouldn’t have asked me unless they meant it! An excitement swelled in me that was different from anything I’d ever known. I had just spoken to people who were strangers to me and they were choosing me to do something that important—unbelievable! This wasn’t a favor to my parents. It was too big a job to be offered as a favor.

  I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face as I answered the incoming calls. God’s eyes really are on me, I thought. The fact that He would put it on their hearts to consider me to be a leader at the school after all that I had done was amazing. The past few weeks had been difficult as I tried to navigate this road out of my past. At times I felt almost as if I couldn’t breathe, but now this single event and this sense of God’s loving attention on me filled my heart with a hope that ran in so many directions that I couldn’t understand it all.

  The next three weeks passed quickly, and I gave my notice at work so I could concentrate on preparations to move to Rhode Island. As the time drew near, I had nervous butterflies. But it wasn’t the same nervousness I had lived with for all the years when it seemed like I was constantly sneaking, worrying, and obsessing. Yes, I was stepping into the unknown, but it was a place where God was calling me and where I knew He would help me.

  Finally, it was my last Friday at home before Susie and I left. As I packed some final boxes, I realized that tonight would also be my last choir practice. I am really going to miss this. Being part of the group had been an honor, but more than that I loved watching Mom in action, sharing her gift of music. It was so effortless, and yet as she led us, I could plainly see her complete dependence on God and her sensitivity to Him.

  “See you later tonight, Mom,” I said, carrying a half-filled box down the stairs.

  “Okay, Chris.” She stopped at the hallway mirror to put on some lipstick before heading out the door. “Since it’s your last night with us, I’m going to have the choir pray for you.”

  “That would be great. I’d love that.”

  It was 9 p.m. and choir practice was wrapping up for the night. From my seat in the third row of the alto section, I looked at the other singers, cherishing this moment with them. So much joy and laughter rippled through the room, the typical response after an intense practice and learning an entire song.

  Mom was off to the side, giving the band some last instructions for Sunday, then she walked back to her podium. She leaned on it and smiled, then began talking in her personable, relaxed way.

  “Choir, as you all know, Chrissy has been singing with us for the last few months. Actually, Chrissy, would you come down here and stand next to me?” Mom’s voice wavered slightly. I got up from my seat and joined her up front.

  “Tonight, choir, I’m going to ask that you would join me in praying for her. God has opened a door for Chrissy. A wonderful Bible school in Rhode Island has asked her to come on staff and direct their choir.” She paused for a moment.

  “When Chrissy was away from the Lord, I was in a season of real discouragement, but God gave me a song.”

  As I looked at the side of Mom’s face, I could see tears welling up in her eyes.

  “That song carried me through the turmoil we were experiencing with Chrissy gone. God encouraged me with the words He gave me—‘When my strength was all gone, when my heart had no song, . . . even then God was faithful to me.’ God did a miracle in Chrissy’s life and once again proved Himself to be so faithful.”

  A wave of applause started and spread across the choir.

  “And now, Chrissy will be leaving us. Even before she was born, God had a plan for her life, and we believe that nothing can stop His plan!”

  As the applause turned into worship, I stood there, reminded of how much I loved my world and these people—a church family who was truly authentic in their love for me and their passion for God.

  “So Chrissy has never led a choir before, but we know that God has gifted and deposited things in her that she’s not even aware of yet. Let’s pray right now.”

  A stream of ladies came down from the choir loft. As the group encircled me and prayed, I was really touched by their confidence in me. Peeking through the tight huddle of faces, I noticed Lorna in the crowd, her face glistening from tear
s of joy.

  Sending up cries to heaven, Mom began to pray. “Give her the courage to lead, Jesus. Give her a heart overflowing with worship. Let Your name always be lifted up through her life, Lord. We pray that You’ll strengthen her for the days ahead. Please protect our Chrissy and little Susie. And we will all rejoice when we hear about Your faithfulness once again.”

  It was a gorgeous August day in Barrington, Rhode Island, the afternoon I drove onto Zion Bible Institute’s campus for the very first time as a staff member. The sprawling grounds were perfectly manicured, and flowers in full bloom were clinging to the last days of summer. I parked, stepped out of the car, and did a 360, taking in everything slowly, then got Susie out of her car seat. As I held her in my arms, I said, “Look at the beautiful place where God has brought us. This is our new home!”

  I walked to the main entrance, carrying my precious daughter. Pulling the heavy doors open, we entered and immediately heard, “Chrissy? Welcome!” It was President Crandall and his wife, Jeanne, awaiting our arrival! Welcoming their embrace, I was amazed that they had come to meet us. They were as warm and gracious in person as they had been on the phone.

  Over the next few weeks, my life took a turn that I would never have imagined. As I went around campus with Susie, attended the faculty orientations, and got things ready for the fall semester, no one looked at me as a person who was unworthy to be there; I was given honor and respect. I was overwhelmed by the love and faith that everyone had in me. The staff didn’t merely take care of my needs—they lavished me with everything they could to make me comfortable, treating me as if they had just picked an all-star instead of a rookie. My office was located on the second floor of the “castle,” one of the nicest offices on campus and with a lovely view.

  Our apartment was not just any apartment, but a beautifully renovated one with brand-new everything. I loved how sun-drenched and cheerful it was, a happy haven for my little girl and me. One of the first things that Susie did when we walked in was to roll around on the fresh new carpet, giggling with delight. Everyone on campus was nuts about her and did more than I could ask to assist me.