For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1)

by Stephanie Alba

  ∞

  My heart lifted as I got dressed and rushed to meet Anne. Upon seeing me approach the station, she hugged me before she smacked my arm and shouted, “Eight months! That’s too long, Ellie.”

  “I know,” I shrugged. “I’m sorry, but I’m here now.” I smacked her back, and this was our relationship defined in a moment. We had been friends since fifth grade and still acted like ridiculous adolescents together. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. That ease and familiarity with her was what allowed us to pick up exactly where we’d left off. She put her hand through my arm and pulled me along. “Let’s go. I already bought your ticket.”

  We took the train into the city, and as we sat tightly in the orange seats, we caught up on my plans for my visit. I told her about breakfast, and how I was going to see Aaron’s parents and hopefully visit with James. She frowned dramatically and I put my hand in the air to stop her before she began.

  “Don’t start,” I said.

  “You know how I feel about that one,” she rolled her eyes. Anne looked good, still as youthful as she did in high school, dressed fashionably in a maxi and a fedora that covered her blond bob. She used to help me dress up for dates with Aaron and it’s because of her I developed my own fashion sense.

  “He doesn’t like me like that and he was Aaron’s best friend. He would never do that to Aaron.”

  “Calm down,” she said grabbing my flailing hands as I spoke. “I’m pretty sure he liked you before Aaron asked you out. He missed the opportunity, but he’s always held a torch for you.” I scoffed, to which she changed the subject. “You look good… like pre-depression Ellie.”

  “Thanks.” Anne always attached compliments with an insult. She claimed it kept things real.

  “What’s up?” she inquired.

  “What do you mean?” I looked out the window to avoid her invasive stare.

  “Well, you came home, you look good. You’re avoiding my eyes…spill.”

  I’d always had a terrible poker face and Anne knew when I tried keeping secrets in the past. I had considered telling Anne for a while, having hesitated only because I wasn’t sure what to call my situation with Rhys. Was it just a silly crush or was it more? It didn’t seem like a crush, and though we were only friends, there was something between us that was so existent it was practically tangible.

  Anne read my expression. “You can tell me now, or I can drive you crazy all day. Choice is yours.”

  I gave in, telling her everything; how we met, how I opened up because it was right. I explained that Rhys saw past my emotional issues and made me feel like my old self. She couldn’t believe I had told him my secret, a stranger of all people.

  “It came out easily. He’s the first person besides John that I’ve told in London. It was natural…I’ve never felt so acknowledged since Aaron.”

  “And now you’ve got it bad, haven’t you?” she grinned slyly.

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I do.”

  “But? There’s always a but with you.”

  “I’m not sure what to do or what I even want. It’s as though I’m being pulled in every direction. I also don’t know how he feels about me.”

  “Sounds like he’s hot for you, too. He’s constantly buying you lunch, wants to see you, was bummed you came home. I’m pretty sure he likes you back, fool.” She nudged my shoulder with hers and raised her brows. “Not to mention he’s gorgeous and very wealthy. Oh my god, do you realize you could be Rhys Edwards’ girlfriend?”

  “You know I don’t care about that. I don’t know if I would even do anything about it. Part of me wants to be happy with someone, but then it’s like I’m leaving Aaron behind.”

  Her eyes watered a bit. “Well, from what you’ve said it seems he’s understanding of your situation. Aaron wouldn’t want you to be alone forever, especially since you’re young and beautiful. You won’t look this good forever. Soon you’ll be an old hag, with Shakespeare as your book boyfriend.”

  I laughed even though she was right. “Don’t let this chance pass you by, Ellie.” I nodded.

  “Are you talking to him while you’re here?”

  “Tonight. I missed the opportunity last night.”

  “Well,” she said as the train stopped in the city, “be open to being happy. I’m proud of you though. The fact you’re even considering this is huge. It’s what Aaron would want.” She paused, pulled me up with our joined hands and squeezed. “Now let’s go shop.” And like that the conversation was over.

  It was a relief to tell Anne about Rhys. The thoughts had begun to weigh me down and I was in a whirlpool trying to grab both Rhys and Aaron, missing both of their grasps only to be pulled deeper and deeper. But with Anne knowing, I had someone I could talk to, someone that understood why this was so amazing and yet so complicated.

  Our first stop was The Strand, an amazing bookstore and my favorite place in the city. I came across an exquisite copy of Hamlet that I bought as a congratulatory gift for Rhys’ performance. Anne gave me shit, claiming I was in really deep, but I told her it was just a nice gesture. She was right of course; I was drowning in thoughts and flashbacks of him since I’d left London. We continued shopping through the city, stopping by other favorite places and after a long day we took the train back home.

  ∞

  I napped after our warm day in the city and then had dinner with my parents. Once I returned to my room, I relaxed in bed and looked through a magazine I’d bought at The Strand. My phone chimed next to me.

  Rhys: Hey, are you available?

  Me: Yeah, I’m just hanging out in my room.

  He didn’t text me back; instead his name appeared on my phone for a video chat. I actually squealed quietly to myself knowing I was about to see him. It meant our relationship was changing. It would be our first phone call, and there was an intimate nature to hearing him on the phone that made things much more personal. It kept ringing and I was running out of time to answer, so in panic I swiped and accidentally dropped my phone. All he could see was my ceiling fan whirring in circles, but as I hung over the edge of my bed I could see his face and the corners of my mouth rose. I realized how much I actually missed looking at him. I thought I’d missed him, but seeing his smile in real time, did me in.

  “Ellie, you there?”

  “Yeah,” I called from afar. “Hang on, I dropped my phone.” I reached over and picked it up, keeping the camera away from me until I was situated on the bed in a non-frumpy position. I faced the phone towards me and his smile grew even further in a way I hadn’t known was possible. “Hi.”

  “Hello,” he said, his tone playful. “You’re not busy?”

  “No, it’s good we talk now, that way you can go to bed earlier.”

  “Or,” he tilted his head delightfully. “I can speak to you for longer.”

  My mouth curved into an uncontrollable smile. It was wild and clumsy, and though I’m sure I looked ridiculous, I couldn’t have cared less. I knew I was blushing as his eyes swept over my face and took me in. I didn’t mind, I’d really missed his watchful gaze over the last few days and was anxious to see it in person.

  “You look like you caught the sun today. How was the city?” He was referring to my pink cheeks and the slight red tint I earned from lack of sunscreen.

  “It was hot,” I smiled. “But great to spend time with Anne. We talked a lot.”

  “About?”

  I fibbed a little, not ready to admit we talked about him all day. “Work, families, my friend James, um…she’s thinking of adopting a dog.”

  “Work? Did you tell her about me and the play?” He was shyly smirking, and it was cute that he wanted to know if I had talked about him.

  “I did tell her about the play, but not you.”

  “Really?” His smile dropped slowly as joy escaped his face.

  “Of course I mentioned you,” I laughed. “I told her we’ve been working together and she’s very jealous.”

  “Is that all?” he asked, p
retending to be offended, but clearly enjoying our playful teasing.

  “No, I told her we’ve become friends, and that we enjoy our time together.”

  Then he truly grinned, leaning back into his chair. He folded his arms across his chest and said, “I do enjoy time with you, very much.”

  His admission was a hushed whisper that made my cheeks hot and my neck flush. I could feel the red blotches scattering across my skin. Ideas of Rhys sharing similar feelings was all I could hope for, but hearing it as truth staggered my heartbeats into skipping palpitations. I started playing with my ponytail subconsciously and looked away to shield my eyes for a moment. I forgot how nerve-wracking it was to talk to your crush on the phone, and video made it so much worse because he could see all my cringe-worthy reactions.

  Rhys lifted his eyebrows at my reaction, but continued leaning back and proceeded telling me about his day. We caught up on the show and how Michael was brilliant, but driving everyone insane. And then he asked me my plans for the rest of the week. It was odd how perfectly he fit on my tiny screen, into our casual conversation, when millions watched him on big screens and never knew him.

  “I’m seeing James tomorrow and then Aaron’s parents the day after. The week will be over before I know it and then I get to see the show, which I can’t wait for.”

  He ignored my comment about the play. “Who’s James? You haven’t told me about him.”

  “He was Aaron’s best friend, and I guess one of mine, too. He was such a rock for me after Aaron died. I didn’t really keep in touch with many friends, but he and Anne forced me to keep myself afloat. I owe them a lot.”

  “Hmm,” he hummed. “That’s what friends are for.” He seemed a little jealous, or curious, I wasn’t sure.

  I tested the waters. “Anne thinks James likes me as more than a friend. She’s always claimed that he missed the boat when Aaron asked me out first. I don’t agree.”

  His face adopted a sullen look as his lips tightened into a straight line. Rhys tried hiding it, but it was clear as day, and while I had never found jealousy attractive, I liked that he could be possessive of me.

  “What makes you think Anne is wrong about him?”

  “Well, I don’t think he would do that to Aaron. I don’t think he’s attracted to me, he saw me at my absolute worst.”

  Rhys ran his fingers through his hair roughly and muttered something to himself. “You really don’t understand men. If he likes you, he’ll find a way to make it happen despite Aaron. In fact, he could miss Aaron but see the turn of events as a sign that you’re meant for him. You’re very beautiful, Ellie, inside and out; it wouldn’t be a shock to know a man is attracted to you despite seeing you at what you claim is your worst.”

  My entire focus was on how he’d just called me beautiful. It echoed in my head and my heart was racing. Somehow I managed to say, “I wasn’t beautiful at my worst, trust me.”

  He shook his head. “You’re always beautiful, even after you’re soaked in sweat from your run.”

  Friends don’t say things like that, and a visible flush came into my cheeks. His words rendered me speechless as I thought about the day he found me in the park. I was filthy after running almost five miles, but apparently he didn’t notice. He did detect my reaction to his blunt comment, though, and nervously scratched his jaw. A dark cloud entered his eyes and I wasn’t certain if it was filled with regret from his words or because I was seeing James for dinner this week.

  “What?” he said, nervously questioning my silence.

  “Nothing,” I shook my head.

  “Have I offended you?”

  “No, I’m just not used to hearing stuff like that, you know that.”

  “Does it bother you?” He pursed his lips.

  “No. It’s new, but nice.” Actually, his words left me uneasy, but in the best way.

  “Good to know,” he smiled cockily, his jaw protruding a little. “You know, I drove by your flat today and it was odd not stopping by.”

  “Aw, it’s funny. I miss London more than I ever have.”

  “It’s become home…”

  “ Yeah, I guess it has.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Rhys and I spoke for almost an hour. I fell asleep easily after, high on thoughts of him and I dreamed nonstop throughout the night. I woke up heated, and passed out only to fall back into the same dream. It started in my flat and then Rhys knocked on my door, except he let himself in with his key and brought in groceries for us. Aaron’s picture was still on my desk and Rhys and I were laughing and happy in the moment. Then, very suddenly, I was in my childhood room sitting with Aaron on the bed. We were still in high school, laughing and listening to our favorite bands as we cuddled.

  My door was open and from downstairs I could hear my name being called. When I went to see who it was, instead of seeing my parents’ hallway, I walked out into the cemetery at my current age. I knew I was close, so I walked straight to Aaron’s grave. Rhys was standing there staring at the inscription, only looking up at me when I approached.

  He didn’t say anything, but to his side I could see a translucent version Aaron. Rhys reached his hand to lead me away and when I took it, he began pulling me slowly, only to have Aaron reach out his hand too. I ended up being pulled by both of them, but Rhys couldn’t understand since he didn’t see Aaron, and then Aaron let me go and whispered, “Tell him,” and I woke up.

  I was covered in sweat, feeling lonely, sad and most of all confused. I had nightmares that still made me uncomfortable, but nothing like that. And the last part was so vivid, but I didn’t understand what Aaron meant when he said to tell him. I thought about how Aaron appeared ghost-like and feared it was because I’d been making him a ghost, slowly pushing him behind the newer memories of Rhys. I almost fell off the bed when my door burst open and my mother came in.

  “Mom! What the heck?”

  “No!” she huffed out. “That’s what I should be saying, you were screaming!”

  “I was?” I asked, sitting up in the bed. “Sorry…I was dreaming.”

  My mother looked at me sympathetically. “It’s okay, hun.” She slowly approached me and pushed some hair off my forehead. Then she sat at the foot of my bed. “You still have them?”

  I nodded. “But this one was different. It’s a long story.”

  “I have nothing to do today…so stop shutting me out.”

  “I’m not, it’s just complicated.”

  She further situated herself on the edge of my bed, passively hinting that she wasn’t leaving. This was typical of her. Her approach was to camp out until I spoke, and I would always give in. I explained that I had developed feelings for Rhys, feelings that seemed reciprocated, but that I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. She listened intently when I recapped my dream, and then I told her how amazing Rhys had been in accepting Aaron, in accepting me. That he listened and didn’t judge, that he wasn’t uncomfortable when I compared them or spoke of the past. I explained that Rhys was a perfect gentleman and friend.

  “On top of that he’s rich and gorgeous…”

  “God, it’s scary how similar you and Anne are.” I rolled my eyes. “But you’re not getting the point. I don’t know what to do. It’s as though I’m being pulled from my past into a future that may not be realistic. I don’t want to forget Aaron, but I haven’t felt this way since being with him. I didn’t plan on this when I moved, yet I can’t seem to escape the idea that this was meant to happen. I think he wanted this for me, remember he told me to move on… I can’t stop replaying that night in my mind.”

  She grabbed my feet under the covers and squeezed them with love in her eyes. Sighing, she began, “Baby, there’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. We aren’t meant to be alone. That boy loved you since day one, even though your scrawny father tried intimidating him with a baseball bat. It was so ridiculous, remember?” she laughed. “Yet he still kept coming back, loving and respecting you like I couldn’t imagine. I can’t tell you
why you had to lose Aaron…I’ve questioned it hundreds of times, but what I can say is Aaron would want you to continue living. I think you know this already, your brain’s trying to tell you when you sleep.”

  “I’m terrified I’ll break Max and Julie’s hearts.”

  “Are you going to tell them?”

  “I wasn’t going to, but if anything happens with Rhys, which it probably won’t, I know people could find out and I don’t want it to seem as if I hid it. I don’t want them to think I’m forgetting their son.”

  “They would never think that of you. Trust me, they know how much you loved Aaron. When are you seeing them?”

  “Tuesday for lunch.”

  “See how you feel; tell them, don’t tell them, but do what’s right for you.”

  I nodded, and she stood up and walked to my doorway. Pausing for a moment, she leaned against the frame and turned back. “I’m glad you’re hopeful again. I prayed you would be, but I’ll admit there was a time when I couldn’t see the light for you again. You lost yourself with him, but it seems you’re finding yourself again, and that’s a great thing. Even if nothing comes from this relationship-wise, Rhys has already done a lot for you.”

  “Thanks, mom.”

  She smiled slightly and said, “Come down for breakfast when you’re ready.”

  ∞

  The day flew by. I went for a run and napped again, still recovering from the long semester. I also went shopping with my mom and told her some stories of Rhys and I. She laughed at the typical things I did around him, saying she could picture me doing it. Rhys had texted me midday and I was so glad my mother was in a fitting room when I got it, because I smiled like an idiot.

  Rhys: It was so lovely talking to you. Nice to see you after a few days.

  I didn’t answer him because she came out of the room as I re-read it for the tenth time, and I also wasn’t sure how to respond. I wanted to say the same things back, wanted to tell him how adorable it was to see him get jealous, hoping that I was interpreting it correctly. But I left it alone till later.

  After shopping, my dad grilled for us and Anne and we drank and relaxed in the yard, enjoying the long summer day. It was wonderful, fueling my awareness that I really needed a trip home with the people that loved me. Once the night settled, I went upstairs filled with liquid courage. Rhys hadn’t texted me again, but I was determined to answer him.