For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1)

by Stephanie Alba

  I reread the letter a few times until I couldn’t see the words clearly through my tears. Rushing to the computer, I downloaded the song and played it loudly to hear as I continued changing. On my warm up toward Hyde Park I texted Rhys even though I knew his phone was off.

  Me: Thanks for the note. It was perfect. Please call me when you arrive safely. Love you.

  I ran 4 miles, ate dinner, showered, and read. I missed his company, his smile, the touch or squeeze of his hand, and especially his voice beside me in bed. The clock in my room had me so crazy I ended up unplugging it and eventually I grew too exhausted to stay awake. After sleeping next to Rhys for weeks, I doubted I would actually fall asleep alone, but it came over me like slow drizzling rain that soaked your clothes, and I dreamt of days at the park with Rhys.

  Without my alarm, I awoke confused and alone to light breaking through my windows. When I checked my phone I saw that I had an hour to get to work and missed texts from Rhys. Unfortunately, I had to rush getting ready and read them on my commute.

  Rhys: Just landed, I’ll call as soon as I can. Love you too.

  Rhys: I will try to call you tomorrow, haven’t stopped, but I’m hoping you’re asleep.

  Rhys: Glad the note made you happy. I took a picture of you when you turned around and I’m looking at it now…I’ll probably look at it quite a bit.

  Me: Late for work, can’t wait to hear from you. XO

  I kept my phone in my pocket during my morning course, something I never did, but I didn’t want to miss his call. And yet I did. Having no idea that service in my classroom was limited, I came out to find a voicemail.

  “Hey, I know you were sleeping and didn’t want to wake you. I’m safe and already settled into the apartment. I miss you and can’t wait to hear your voice. I’ll call again when I know you’re home. Love you.”

  The next two days followed that pattern. I continued missing Rhys’ calls because of the time difference, or because I was running or sleeping. In his messages he claimed he would rather call than text me and I did the same, becoming overwhelmed by his voice that I wasn’t hearing in real time. He said that he missed me, that he physically wanted to be around me, but that not hearing my voice had made him realize how attached we had become.

  I finished my first week of classes by staying busy, running four times that week, causing my shins to ache and my lungs to burn against the cold London air. In those first days I had only cried myself to sleep once, and while it wasn’t my proudest moment, at least it had only been one time. I was so bored in my flat without much to grade and my tiny apartment felt too big for only me. I’d even gone to Daunt books twice, and had dinner at John’s house because he had caught me staring at my phone in my office and insisted. If anything, it taught me I needed more friends to surround myself with because having just him wasn’t practical.

  I made plans to go to Hampton Court with Sadie. I hadn’t seen her in weeks and I was obsessed with the Tudors, but mostly in need of distraction. I’d done better than I imagined though and that Friday I messaged Rhys to say that no matter what time it was to please call me. He’d been hesitant, knowing it would be late, but I insisted since I didn’t have to work the next day.

  Even though I wasn’t sleeping perfectly, I dozed off and woke to the ringer scaring the crap out of me at its loudest setting.

  “Hello?”

  “Darling, did I wake you?” he whispered.

  God, I missed his voice. I missed the way it felt like a kiss on my forehead whenever he called me darling.

  “Yes, but I’m glad you did. I miss hearing you.”

  “I miss you too. The week’s flying by…but I’m still counting the seconds because they feel slow.”

  “I know. I stare at clocks all day.” I tried hiding my third yawn, worried he would insist I go back to sleep.

  “You sound exhausted, are you sleeping?”

  “More than I expected, but it takes me a long while to get there, and then I wake up throughout the night. I’m also getting sick and got my period two days ago, so I’m pretty much knocked on my ass. How’s the filming?”

  “Aw, Ellie. Sorry I’m not there to care for you…”

  “It’s okay. Tell me about work, I just want to talk to you.”

  Rhys told me about the cast and crew, and how they’d gone out to dinner as a big family. He explained he wasn’t being as social and I was glad to hear I wasn’t the only one feeling incomplete without the other. I smiled quietly and listened to his breathing.

  “What are you thinking? You’re awfully quiet.”

  “That I feel the same without you. What time is it there?”

  “6:00 p.m.”

  “Wow, so you still have the whole night ahead.”

  “I do, but I’m off tonight and tomorrow…so I’d like nothing more than to stay on the phone for a few hours if that’s all right.”

  “I’d like that,” I choked up.

  Rhys told me about his temporary apartment that faced the ocean and explained the film. He described costumes and the plot of his new Jack the Ripper thriller, and mentioned he had met his co-star Joan Lettson. It was hard hearing him say how nice she was when I also knew she was nice to look at. My tone was jealous when I offered, “She’s very beautiful.”

  Picking up on it, Rhys said, “You have nothing to worry about.”

  There was a moment of awkwardness and I regretted my attitude. I think what bothered me most was that she got to look at him and touch him, and I didn’t. It may have been pretend, but still it wasn’t practical for me even if she was engaged and had just delivered a baby. Rhys insisted that I tell him about my courses and how my first week had been. He told me all the places he wanted to take me, and I said, “I’d like some time in the apartment, too.”

  I missed his body on me, his scent all over me, and he groaned seductively, proving he had too. “Trust me, there will be.”

  We both laughed and that was the best part of the call. Hearing his voice was comforting, but the sound of his laughter sent tingles all over my skin and made me love him more. Rhys stayed on the phone with me until I grew quiet, and after I fell asleep he hung up. It helped because it felt like he was there and when I woke up he had texted me.

  Rhys: Go stay at my place, it’ll help. I Love you.

  That afternoon I went over and found the first note taped to the inside of the door.

  Hi, love,

  I’m glad you’re here. I know I’m missing, but knowing you’re there makes me feel like I’m home too. I also know you’re safe in my bed and I can almost picture myself in it. Enjoy the house, and please keep coming back while I’m away. Here’s a picture I took of us while you slept, you looked so lovely I couldn’t help it. And of course, here’s another song…Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

  Love, Rhys.

  I looked over the picture and adored how he had snuggled up next to me, pressing his lips to my sleepy face and took the shot. After locking the door and heading upstairs, I listened to the song in his bed. Mistakenly, I assumed it would be easier at his place, but his smell surrounded me, playing tricks on my mind that he was close by. The bed felt emptier, void of his breaths and weight against the mattress. It was such a minuscule notion to love the way the bed dipped when he shifted, but it was the first thing I noticed after Aaron died, and the same with Rhys gone. The bed was simply too lonely.

  Rhys was able to call me later that night. I had been in and out of sleep for hours and finally became annoyed around 1:00 a.m., opting to read instead. An hour into my book he called, and if I closed my eyes I could picture him beside me.

  “I love the picture,” I said.

  “It’s my phone background.”

  “Is it really?”

  “Yeah,” he paused. “What are you reading?”

  “Amy Pohler’s book. I was hoping it would make me laugh.”

  “What page are you on?”

  “One hundred and fifteen, why?”

  “I’m downl
oading it. I’ll read to you till you doze off.”

  “Really?” I moaned through my constricted throat.

  “Yes, love. I’m doing my best to take care of you from here.”

  “Rhys…”

  “Hmm,” he hummed.

  “I love you.”

  We face-timed so I could see him, and the stubble on his cheeks tempted me to touch him, to be near him, but that was better than nothing. After a week alone it was quite perfect.

  ∞

  Sadie and I went to Hampton Court and it was great catching up with her. I still missed Rhys every second, and even if he’d been busy filming in London, I would have been happy. Knowing how far he was and being a whole day behind me was what hurt. We didn’t talk for the rest of the weekend except for some texts and that sucked, but he did send pictures from the set and tried keeping me involved.

  Monday and Tuesday passed slowly, and although I was busy with work, it wasn’t enough. I went running every day, and out for dinner each night too, anything to avoid tortuously picturing him beside me in my flat. On Wednesday I went home to change for my run and found an envelope under my door. My name was on it, in his handwriting and for seconds I allowed myself to believe he was hiding in my apartment. I tore it open excitedly and found a note and two tickets.

  Ellie,

  Here’s something for you and Lena to enjoy while I’m gone. Please be careful, but have fun!

  Love, Rhys.

  “Holy shit,” I said to myself.

  Rhys had bought front row seats to Artic Monkeys for that weekend. He wasn’t a fan, but knew we loved them and rightly assumed I’d look forward to it all week. I texted him an instant after.

  Me: Thank you for the distraction. I’m so excited!

  After I changed, I called Lena, who was apparently in on it and said she and Bruce would pick me up on Saturday. Rhys called later that night but only for a few minutes to hear how happy he had made me before rushing back on set.

  I hadn’t heard from him before the concert. He had only called once, which I missed, and he sent occasional texts. I’d barely messaged him because I didn’t want to seem clingy since the relationship was feeling one-sided. I appreciated his gift, but what I really wanted was to hear from him and know he was thinking of me.

  Friday I texted him a few times in my excitement that we’d made it through our second week. I also messaged about the upcoming concert only to realize I had sent five texts in less than an hour. So I sent one more.

  Me: Sorry about all those texts.

  Rhys: I’m not, you’ve hardly sent since I left.

  Me: I know you’re busy.

  Rhys: Never too busy for you.

  Me: You seem pretty busy lately.

  Rhys: I haven’t forgotten you if that’s what you’re implying.

  Me: I know. I guess I thought we’d be able to talk more.

  Rhys: I did too. I’m thinking of you nonstop. You know that right?

  Me: Yeah, I’m doing the same.

  Rhys: Have a great time at the show and call me Sunday, I’m off. We can talk about your visit next weekend…look how fast time is passing.

  Me: Not fast enough, Mr. Edwards.

  ∞

  Lena had told me to dress up, so I went all out. I wore leather skinny pants, and a long, shiny, silver tunic, topped with my leather moto jacket. I pulled my hair back in a high pony and even did my makeup dramatically. It felt nice to get dressed up, but I missed the way Rhys’ face changed whenever he saw me, so I sent him a picture to stay in touch.

  Me: No one here to compliment me.

  I didn’t expect an answer, but it came through immediately.

  Rhys: OMG, I don’t think you’ll be lacking in compliments tonight. I wouldn’t let you leave the house, and not because I don’t want others to see you…that outfit just wouldn’t stay on for long.

  Me: Wow, where’s my gentleman gone?

  Rhys: Sorry, I’m not sorry…keep in mind it’s been two weeks.

  I wished he was there to manhandle and kiss me. After having sex nonstop for a month, the last fourteen days were unbearable.

  Lena came upstairs when she arrived and after hugging me as if we were old friends, she dumped her large purse on my counter and pulled out a small bottle of tequila and some limes, and asked for my salt.

  “Mary Poppins, do you always have these items in your purse?”

  She tilted her head back and laughed. “I do not,” she winked. “But tonight is special. I want you to have fun. My brother called and said it’s been tough for both of you, so that’s why we are going to get drunk and watch Alex Turner seduce us with his voice all night.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “I do need this.”

  “Good. By the way, you look fucking hot!”

  I downed a shot and said, “Your brother agrees.”

  “Here,” she said, handing me another full glass. “Two more…”

  And as she took her third shot she said, “Bottoms up!”

  ∞

  I don’t remember much after that. I remembered talking in the car about how much I missed Rhys, and how Lena comforted me and revealed that she’d never heard him so homesick. I recalled getting to the concert and being in awe of the seats he’d got us, only to drink more as the band started playing. And the last image I have is of Lena and I dancing like fools as they sang Are You Mine?

  I knew we had a good time, and vaguely remember Bruce dropping me off before taking Lena home. He walked me to my door and everything. But that was it. The next morning, I awoke in my same outfit, still wearing pounds of makeup and my filthy shoes touching the bed. I also stunk of cigarette smoke from everyone around us, but I didn’t care because I had fun. It felt good to have fun again; at least I thought so until I sat up and my room started spinning. It was so nauseating that I ran to the bathroom and hovered over the toilet for a bit.

  I didn’t throw up, but I swore my brain was playing pinball against my skull. I couldn’t think straight, and the simultaneous drying and watering of my throat told me that I was going to be sick soon. Hoping a shower would help, I jumped in and thanked every deity that I didn’t have to work for two days.

  I managed to wash off all the filth ingrained in my skin and forced myself to eat some bread. Water was another story, as I could barely drink three ounces. I lay back down sometime after, and I didn’t remember falling asleep again, but I did and slept deeply even without him. My entire day was spent in bed, turning over and falling asleep repeatedly, praying that I would stop feeling the side effects of the alcohol still in my system. I felt so ill I didn’t even consider that I hadn’t heard from Rhys. I didn’t even think to check my phone.

  As the sun was setting I remembered and scrambled to find it in my purse filled with cocktail napkins. My phone was dead, which explained why I hadn’t heard from Rhys or Lena, and then I wondered what I might have missed. I plugged it in and as it booted up, I was relieved there were no messages. No news was good news, right? But then as service connected, voicemails and texts popped up concurrently.

  The majority of them were from Rhys, with one from Lena. I came to the conclusion that I was in trouble, and saw his last voicemail was only two hours before. I pictured him worrying at work when he needed to focus and be in character and became angry with myself. Pressing play, I listened to them all on speaker phone.

  “Hey love. I’m on a break and wanted to see how the concert was going. Thinking of you and I’m trying to call when I can. Love you.”

  That one was at the concert; he didn’t know anything then.

  “Love, it’s a little after 2:00 a.m. there. I know you said you’d call Sunday, but Lena isn’t answering either…just want to be sure you’re okay.”

  “Ellie, I’m starting to worry. I know you’re not a heavy sleeper, so the phone should wake you.”

  “Well, now I know you’ve turned off your phone or it’s dead. I don’t know if I’ve done something or if you’re safe. I know you think I’ve
been too busy for you lately, but I swear I’m calling every chance I get. I hope you’re all right. I can’t focus till I know…I’m going to send Bruce soon if you don’t call back.”

  After the last one, I read text messages with similar sentiments and then read Lena’s.

  Lena: Hope you’re feeling better than I am…Rhys isn’t happy. He’s panicking because I told him we drank heavily and now he thinks you have alcohol poisoning. Call him ASAP and then call me.

  I opted to text him because I knew he was on set.

  Me: Hey, sooo sorry. I’ve been sleeping off the worst hangover ever and my phone died. I’m ready to talk when you have a chance. Love you.

  My phone felt lifeless for too long, but rang loudly five minutes later.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice shaky from nerves.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, I just drank too much. Your sister sure knows how to party.”

  “How drunk were you? Do you know how worried I’ve been?”

  Rhys wasn’t shouting, but there was palpable anger in his tone and I could picture him annunciating his words through his straight teeth. It took me a moment to respond as he reprimanded me, and the more questions he threw the angrier I became.

  “Rhys, I just needed a night out. I got carried away and already feel like shit. I’m still throwing up, feel terrible because I missed your calls and worried you. Don’t make me feel worse,” I shouted, hurting my throat in the process.

  “I don’t think you quite understand how concerned I’ve been. I was just about to call Noah to pop by because Bruce was with family today. But Noah is out of town, and then I almost called John. You need to take care of yourself while I’m gone, I can’t do it from here.”

  His comment boiled my blood, and I wasn’t sure where my anger came from, but it poured from my mouth. I think I was frustrated that he was right, but also by the implication that I was a child who couldn’t care for myself. Worse, I registered that even though I was mad, I wanted him there to take care of me.

  “Rhys, I’ve taken care of myself perfectly before you came along, I think I’ll manage for seven weeks without your rude chastising. How dare you make me feel like your project? I love you, and I know you care for me, but I’m not yours to fix!”