Rhys noticed my hesitation. “I don’t mean to pressure you, or put you on the spot. It’s simply been on my mind since I left.”
“No, I understand, I’ve considered it as well.” I cleared my throat and sat up in bed, using the covers as a shield. “It’s difficult, obviously,” I rolled my eyes. “But it’s worth it to be with you now. I think we’d have to take it on a case by case basis.”
“So if it was too long, you wouldn’t want me anymore?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I think I’d have to find another way of coping, I don’t know.”
“Sometimes I leave London for months, how would that make you feel?”
“Honestly?” I squinted my eyes and he nodded as he sat up. “I don’t know if I could go months without seeing you. I guess I’d have to come visit often, but that would prove difficult with work.”
“Would you ever stop working if I provided for you?”
My eyes almost popped out of my head because that was an incredibly loaded question. I couldn’t help but think he was implying marriage or a serious commitment, and I was offended that he had suggested quitting my job. I knew it was every girl’s dream to marry a celebrity and never work again, but it wasn’t my dream. “Rhys, I rather enjoy my job,” I said plainly.
“I know, but if it would keep us apart, maybe you could teach online, or take a sabbatical? Darling, I don’t mean for you to stop working forever. I respect your career, and you; it’s how we met. I just don’t think I could deal with months apart either. Lots of celebrities do that, but that’s not what I want for us. I’m simply trying to see where you stand on this.”
“Truthfully, I stand by your side. I want this, completely, good and bad, near or far, but I don’t want to quit my job. At least not right now. I’m young, and I’ve worked diligently to get where I am. It’s a part of who I am.”
“I agree, but perhaps an alternative for times when I’m away?”
“Maybe. We’ll have to see when we get there,” I shrugged.
“Does that mean you’re okay getting there…continuing toward a future?” His mouth tilted up hopefully, praying that I’d offer him the answer he wanted.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “As long as you let me be my own person while being your person. I want to be yours, but I don’t want to be just Rhys Edwards’ girlfriend.”
“Of course, I don’t want that for you either.” He lay back down and tugged me over to his side, embracing me from behind. “I was worried about us these last few weeks…”
“I think it’s normal to worry, that’s how you know we matter to one another.”
“You matter a great deal to me, you know?”
“I’ve never doubted that since the day we met. You’ve never given me reason to, Rhys.”
“I never will.”
∞
I woke up to a note on his pillow.
Happy Valentine’s Day, love. Driver’s coming at 10. Enjoy the spa. I’ll be home by 5. Love you…heard this song the other day and it reminded me of us. I Would Do Anything For You - Foster the People
I played it repeatedly with all the others and enjoyed my day. The massage helped the stress to roll off my shoulders, but I couldn’t fully relax as I recalled our conversation the night before. I considered all of Rhys’ implications: that I quit my job, that we would someday get married, that he really wanted me around, forever. It was a lot to think about and I remembered how both Anne and my mother had assumed marriage was on his mind. When questioning if I wanted to be with Rhys, I knew undoubtedly the answer was yes. But when I considered marriage, and another ring on my finger, it filled me with an irrational fear similar to how I felt about sharing a bed.
I felt that by conclusively committing, even though in a sense I already had, it would curse me and lead me to the same fate. I doubted Rhys would die in my bed, that would be absurd, but I worried that I would end up heartbroken in some way. And this time it would be much worse, because while I had a history with Aaron and loved him wholly, I never felt truly understood by him. I only realized it after he’d gone and I had someone else pick up the pieces with me.
I never felt as though I couldn’t live without Aaron, not until I had to actually do it. But with Rhys, I constantly feared losing him and living without him. Maybe that was my answer. Perhaps Rhys was who I was meant to be with the whole time, because he understood me as if we breathed the same air, as if our hearts beat in unison and our minds worked best when united with the other’s.
Rhys wasn’t just my better half. He made me discover my own better self. I had never wanted to be strong for someone else, or challenged myself to that extent, but with him, I had. I just wasn’t sure if it would continue should he keep leaving me behind. Was it something I’d get used to or would I be periodically miserable for the rest of our lives? Part of the reason I felt strong was because I knew he was there to support me at every turn.
The second I got back, I closed all his blinds and napped in my underwear, only to be woken an hour later when I felt movement in the bed. I sat up ungracefully to hear Rhys shushing me as he crawled in wearing only boxer briefs. As if hearing my unspoken question, he said, “It’s 4:00 p.m., I got out early. Can I join you for your nap?”
“Yes,” I mumbled, curling my back to his front as he slipped his hand around my waist. Rhys was always a gentleman, even after all that time and our intimacy, but I could feel his arousal against my body and his hand was rubbing close to the skin beneath my breasts. He didn’t touch them, respecting that I was half asleep, though I wished he would.
“Shouldn’t we get ready for dinner?” I asked.
“I called and changed it to 8:00 p.m. so we could rest,” he whispered close enough to my ear that I felt his lips on it. “I know you’re still tired despite that you’re trying to hide it. This way you can catch up with me next to you.”
I hummed in agreement. “But then I’ll have to wake up and leave. It’s fine, I’ll sleep on the plane and in London.”
I turned to face him and he wrapped his arms back around me, pulling me so close that our legs tangled and our chests pressed against each other. “So we don’t have to rush to dinner?” I asked.
“Nope,” he said, planting a short kiss on my mouth.
“Good.”
I kissed him back, placing one hand on his chest and the other around his back to stroke his muscles ardently. My hand traced his torso slowly making its way to the faint stubble on his chin and cheeks, rubbing it as I continued massaging his lips with mine.
Everything was moving slowly, delicately, as we savored each second of our time together. In the shower and bed the day before, we were graceless and rushed, desperate with our prolonged need for one another. But then there was no rush. We got it out of our systems and it was as it always was with him, a loving adulation of one another. Rhys pulled his mouth apart and whispered against my lips, “I didn’t wake you for this…I believe this makes me look bad.”
“Don’t. You shouldn’t ever feel bad about this.”
“No, I certainly don’t about this, ever…just that you were resting.”
He cleared back a laugh and I shushed him benevolently, rejoining our mouths. Grabbing one of his hands, I lowered it to my waist directing him to slip off my underwear, and I lowered his. Within moments, Rhys was above me, cradling my back and touching every part of me with his entire surface. He kissed my mouth, and bit my lip, continuing to nibble at my jaw and neck, tracing kisses down my chest and waist. He pushed inside me and we became lost in one another quickly, despite our slow efforts to relish each other. He brought me to an emotional climax and his escaped his mouth in a groaned breath. He shuddered against me and then became so still I could feel his heart exploding in his chest. In the air was the silent promise to keep being together. We lay there quietly, out of breath and tangled in our limbs. I could feel his breath kiss my neck as he spooned me from behind, holding me tighter than he ever had.
“Are you okay?”
I asked, because he’d never been so quiet after.
“Yes, love. I’m just so taken with you, I wonder if you fully understand,” he paused for a second. “I know you think I’m this remarkable man for loving and accepting all of you, the Aaron part too…but I’m not. I’m selfish in that capacity, despite what you may choose to believe. I’ve told you before that I have always felt a little lonely since I made it big…and I think that sentiment helped me comprehend the loneliness you felt after losing him. While my lack of companionship is nowhere near your traumatic experience, I understand the sensation of being misunderstood, of feeling alone and wanting to shut others out. It’s a different world than the one you’ve experienced it in, but that is why I understand you. That is why I love all of you and don’t want to lose you.”
Rhys nudged my cheek with his and continued, “I’ve never quite invested belief in soul mates or fate, but I have to admit I now see some truth behind the notion. I know your soul and mine are made with the same pieces, and it just took us some time and life to find one another.” He stopped to take a deep breath, causing his abdominals to shift against my back before he gripped me again. “That’s why I suggested you take time off, not because I don’t respect you or your vocation, I do very much…I simply don’t want to be apart after thirty-two years of looking for you.”
It took me a few moments to collect myself and wipe the tears off my cheeks. I thought I understood him. I always assumed he was a rare breed of a man that could love me despite my issues, and he was. But he was also human. He wasn’t perfect and that made me love him all the more. In my silence he probably thought me offended, but Rhys was patient and gave me time as always. I turned to face him, placed my hand on his chest and felt how rapidly his heart was beating as I kissed him, setting his mind at ease. I pulled back enough to take him in; I saw him for who he was, an imperfect man who was perfect for me.
“We’re going to get through this,” I offered. “We’re going to be strong for each other and then we’ll figure the rest out. I understand you as you understand me, and I love you just the same.”
Rhys took another deep breath, pushing the weight he’d placed there out and away, and in his embrace, we drifted off to sleep together.
∞
Since it was my last night in Los Angeles, it was tempting to stay in for the night. I had another day with him, but my flight left around dinnertime. Because I knew he had made special plans for us, I pushed for us to go out since there was no point staying in when I could do that alone. I just wanted to be around him, it didn’t matter where. Rhys took me to dinner at the Cicada Club, a 1930’s themed dance hall with dining tables around the dance floor. It was so unique and we dressed up in vintage clothes; he looked dapper having worn suspenders.
After being seated, a band took their places on the stage and introduced a young lady who sang throughout the evening. The food was good, but what was amazing was how he danced with me all night. Rhys couldn’t dance to contemporary music to save his life, but when it came to jazz he was fantastic, as if he was born in the wrong time period. Some people approached Rhys saying they were fans, others asked for pictures and he politely obliged a few before blissfully dancing with me again.
On our way home Rhys opted to take me for a walk on the beach, and at first we walked along a small shopping mall that faced the ocean. We weren’t going to buy anything, and would probably be spotted, but it was nice walking around like two average people on a date. We window shopped at Gap, and passed a pub, but then we passed a jewelry store that Rhys approached. I didn’t avoid it because it would have looked weird, but I was uptight looking with him, especially after his implication the night before.
One display was filled with Tag Heuer and Movado watches, another with necklaces and exquisite pendants, but the final one, the one Rhys stopped in front of, was engagement rings. My heart was pounding in my temples, and I had been holding his hand tighter than I should, so I loosened my grip. He noticed and smiled flirtatiously looking down at me.
“So, which of these is your style? I’m curious if I’d pick the right one.”
I leaned in front of him so he couldn’t see my face and he nudged me, taunting me to choose. “I don’t know…which would you pick?”
“You’re evading my question.”
“No, I know which I’d pick, but I don’t want your choice affected by that.”
“Well,” he pursed his lips and eyed the rings. “I’ve seen Aaron’s ring, and it was stunning…very modern and elegant… I don’t know why but that wouldn’t be the route I’d choose. At least not for this Ellie,” he squeezed my bicep.
His answer intrigued me and it didn’t escape me that Rhys was aware I was a different person than I’d ever been. I adored that he noticed, again proving he knew me better than anyone.
“So which would it be?” I asked, and he hummed to himself as he glanced from each ring to the next, leaning in closely and then farther away, studying them. Then, decidedly he pointed at the glass.
“I think I would choose that one,” he said proudly, looking at them and then at me. Rhys pointed at a rose-gold band covered in tiny pave diamonds that held a large pear-shaped diamond. It was outrageously large, but gorgeous and edged in tiny diamonds as well. The ring was stunning, different from anything I’d ever seen, and I actually loved it.
He was watching closely and smiled proudly. “Did I choose correctly?”
“Why that one?”
Rhys furrowed his brows in contemplation. Within seconds he explained, “I like the shape because it’s traditional, common among older generations, but it’s also a got a uniquely modern take. That rings reminds me of you the most…there’s parts of you from your past, but you also have changed for your future. I think whatever you wear needs to be different, like you.”
“That’s a great answer,” I smiled bashfully.
“Answer my question, do you approve of my choice?”
“I approve of any choice you make for us.”
Tilting his head playfully, “That’s not really an answer.”
I pulled his hand to continue walking, “But it’s the truth.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
My last hours with Rhys were bittersweet. We’d gone home that night and lay in bed awake for hours, talking and making love till we passed out, only to wake up and start again. Rhys had to be on set by 1:00 p.m. and my flight was at 4:00 p.m., so I went with him to meet the cast and see the studio, and then a driver escorted me to the airport. I refused him taking me, worried that I’d have a breakdown there if I had to walk away from him at the gate. He didn’t like it, but understood that I needed to do it my way.
My visit with him left me feeling lighter and more confident in us, but it had left Rhys in an opposite state. He texted me in between my flights, saying that he missed me in the apartment, that the counter looked empty without my makeup and the bed felt too big without me in it. I told him not to text me details, to just tell me he missed me, because as I boarded my second flight I gradually fell apart. Rhys’ optimism had slowly withered away since he left London and I admit it worried me, but we only had a little over three weeks left, and I was confident the worst was over.
By the time I arrived in London, an entire day had passed and after picking up food and showering, I texted Rhys to let him know I was safe before passing out. Wednesday morning I returned to my classes extremely jet lagged but pushed through it. My students said they had missed me, and that helped, though I wasn’t excited about the papers I had to grade. On my way home from work Rhys called me, and even though I had held him just a day before, I already wanted him around me again.
“Hey!” I said, thrilled to hear his voice.
“Hi, love. I don’t have long to talk, I’m on set…but I wanted to ask you will you be home tomorrow night?”
“Yeah, why?” He didn’t answer right away and in a moment of lunacy I considered he was coming home. “Oh my god, will you be here this weekend? Ple
ase say yes!”
“No, darling, not yet. But…I do have a very special package being delivered for you.”
“I’d prefer your package…” I joked, trying to mask my disappointment.
“Don’t be cheeky, now! Trust me, you’ll love what I’m sending your way.”
“All right,” I said, disheartened it wasn’t him.
That night I was exceedingly lonely, so I tried calling Anne, only to get her voicemail. I called my mother after and told her about my trip and how miserable I was. Then I graded papers in bed to wake up the next morning with reports all over the sheets. Three more weeks, I told myself.
∞
Thursday passed unhurriedly since I’d been obsessing over what Rhys could be sending. Each day that passed was another without his taste and smell or his touch. After work I rushed home, but there was nothing at my door, not even a note. I texted him hoping for an explanation.
Me: I’m home, but there’s nothing here.
He didn’t answer me for over an hour and since I was stuck waiting it felt like forever.
Rhys: Be patient. ;)
I was tempted to send him a piece of my mind about patience, because I was trapped and bored and I had barely heard from him since returning. It became isolating and though I knew he was working, the distance still killed me. Part of me still hoped I would find him outside my door at some point in the night, but I knew he wouldn’t lie about coming.
In an effort to pass time, I started making dinner and was cutting onions when I heard a loud bang on the door. I almost cut my finger and shouted, “Just a second,” hoping they wouldn’t leave with the package thinking I wasn’t home. But then they banged again, louder. “I’m coming!”
For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) Page 33
