For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1)

by Stephanie Alba

  I wanted to avoid the peephole because I didn’t want to confirm it wasn’t him, but then I thought it unsafe. When I looked I saw the next best thing standing outside my door and screamed as I opened it.

  “Surprise!” Anne yelled, throwing herself at me.

  “What are you doing here?” I shouted back. We were so loud my neighbor came out to look at us before we went into the apartment.

  Anne threw her bag on the floor and said, “Rhys flew me out to spend a few days with you.”

  “Shut up…did he really?” I asked, the words fumbling out clumsily.

  “Yes. He called me before you visited him and asked if I was interested in an all expenses paid trip to London…obviously I said hell yes.”

  “Obviously,” I laughed.

  “I have been dying to visit and he mentioned you’ve been down in the dumps. It was totally his idea.”

  “He is unreal,” I nodded, adoring that Rhys couldn’t be with me, but sent me my best friend in his place.

  “Why don’t you call him while I investigate your apartment? Sorry,” she paused and turned around. “Flat, I need to speak like the natives while I’m here.” She started walking around, speculating every surface area and turned quickly. “This is where you belong…I love it,” she mumbled. “Now stop staring at my lame ass and call him!”

  I laughed and went out into the hall, not expecting him to answer, but overjoyed that he did.

  “I can’t believe you did that for me.”

  “I’m not sure what you mean,” he played coy.

  “Stop it, you’re unbelievable.”

  “I’m glad you’re happy. If you want stay at my place…unfortunately I can’t talk now.”

  “Okay, just thank you so much. You’re spoiling me you know.”

  “That’s what men do for the women they love.”

  “Love you too.” And then we hung up.

  Anne was only able to stay for three nights, so we made plans for the rest of the weekend, opting to stay in that evening. It was so fun having her in my flat and knowing I was going to show her around the city I now called home. She seemed excited too, and begged me to take her to Rhys’ house at some point. It felt exploitive, but she claimed he had told her it was okay, and he had told me the same.

  We’d been sitting on the sofa watching Mean Girls when Anne said, “So I have a bit of a confession to make…”

  “What?” I said, noticing the way she paused and looked at me. She looked uncharacteristically awkward.

  “I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks,” she mumbled.

  “That’s great. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because it’s an odd situation…”

  “Oh god, are you someone’s mistress?”

  “Is that what you think of me?” She threw a pillow at me. “No, you fool! It’s just someone you know.”

  I was a little drunk after finishing a bottle of wine with her, so I processed her words slowly. “Who?”

  Anne stared at me with wide eyes, hoping I would figure it out and then shot out, “I’m seeing James!” before burying her face into a pillow in mortification.

  “Wait,” I leaned up. “Like Aaron’s best friend?” She nodded. “The guy you loathe, James? The one who gave me shit for being with Rhys, James?”

  Anne nodded again. “Yes! I do believe he’s all those people.”

  I leaned back and laughed so hard my stomach and jaw hurt. She wasn’t pleased with my giggling and threw another pillow at me. “Ellie, this isn’t funny!”

  “Yes. It. Is.” I said through laughter. “When did this happen?”

  “Well, I ran into him two months ago—”

  “Two months! I don’t understand how you of all people kept this from me.”

  “Well, shut up and I’ll tell you.” I sat back beside her on the sofa. “I saw him at the store after Thanksgiving and he looked good.” She raised her brows suggestively. “He’s been going to the gym a lot, and he said we should get dinner and bury the hatchet. I thought he was being fake, but then he called and persisted so I gave in. It’s been really nice…” She looked directly at me. “He’s kind of great. Are you mad I didn’t tell you?”

  “No, there’s things I don’t tell you right away.”

  “Like what?” she squinted her eyes.

  “Rhys and I had sex…the night of the awards.” I looked away because I knew she was reeling with emotions.

  “That was almost two months ago, too…” she whispered. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It was nice holding onto it for a bit. Sorry…”

  “That’s okay,” she laughed mischievously. “I slept with James too.”

  My jaw dropped. “Already?”

  “Well, we’ve known each other for years, and I don’t know, it just works…”

  “No, I get it.” I paused and fiddled with my pillow’s tassels. “Some things are just natural and don’t require explanation.”

  “Like you and Rhys? I see how you look at him, he’s it isn’t he? He’s more your person than Aaron ever was…” she nudged me, “right?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered guiltily as I glanced at Aaron’s picture. “It’s weird saying it aloud.”

  Anne sensed my discomfort and said, “I know Aaron is part of your soul, babe, but he wasn’t your soul mate. He’s a love in your life, but I think Rhys is the love of your life. That man, he is so genuine, it’s like he’s always known you. I think Aaron loved you while he was here, but I think you had to have him and lose him in order to find Rhys.”

  I was quiet for a few minutes and worry washed over her face. “Do you hate me for saying that?”

  I shook my head as my eyes watered. “No, you’re just vocalizing things I’ve had in my head for weeks. I will always love him, and he was my best friend, but he wasn’t what Rhys has become for me.”

  Anne fumbled on the couch to grab me for an embrace. “You know,” she said holding me tightly. “It’s okay to feel that way, it just means you’re just seeing things clearer.”

  “I miss him so much, I don’t know if I can do this all the time.”

  “Well, wouldn’t it be worth it in the long run if he makes you this happy?”

  “I guess so, yeah.”

  After another beat in silence, Anne let me go and said, “So if you tell me about sex with Rhys, I’ll tell you all about James,” she winked.

  “No thanks,” I laughed. “That’s beyond weird.”

  ∞

  We spent the rest of the weekend touring sights like Buckingham Palace, Big Ben and Westminster Abbey. I also took her to my office on campus and to Rhys’ house because she said she wanted to see pieces of my new world. She loved his house and winked suggestively when she saw his big bed. After seeing the entire property, she suggested she could picture me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and I ignored her. Anne had insinuated marriage all weekend, as if Rhys was about to drop down on one knee and I was glad I hadn’t told her about the rings conversation. That would’ve only added fuel to her fire.

  What was odd was seeing evidence of her infatuation with James as she texted him constantly. When she told him I knew about them, he messaged me.

  James: Cat’s out of the bag…she drives me insane, but I can’t resist. ;)

  It made me laugh and when I showed her, she smiled so happily I swore she was already in love with him.

  Me: I’m happy you’re happy…take care of her or I’ll kill you.

  James: LOL, will do.

  I expected to feel sad when Anne left that Monday, but I’d had such an amazing reunion with her it left me recharged. We’d talked about life, love, and she brought me to an inner peace over Rhys and I. Time had passed quickly, and in only two weeks Rhys would be back. Bruce picked her up and it was nice seeing him after time apart as well. Anne hugged me when she left, saying, “You know you’re my idol, right?”

  She caught me off guard, but in her eyes I saw Anne respected me. She knew I had successf
ully dug myself out of a hole and allowed someone else into my heart to help me. In some different capacity, Anne loved Rhys as much as I did because she’d seen me at my worst and knew he’d brought me back to my best.

  “I love you, too,” I said.

  Unlike Anne and James, Rhys and I hadn’t talked all weekend except through a few texts. He was busy at work and wanted me to savor Anne, and I had managed by enjoying the distraction she brought. I craved the sound of his voice though, and after she left, I went to his place just to lay in his bed for a bit. Had Anne not been there, I would have spent the whole weekend buried in his sheets and thinking of him. Without realizing the level of my exhaustion, I fell asleep for an hour and awoke to seven missed calls from Anne. She still had an hour before her flight, so I called back.

  “Ellie, oh my god, where have you been?” she huffed out of breath.

  “I’m at Rhys’. Did your flight get canceled? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine… just…” she hesitated. “I have some bad news.”

  “What is it? You’re freaking me out.”

  “Well, I was buying some snacks, and I got distracted by celebrity magazines, you know I love them…”

  Every word she said was far too slow so I aggressively said, “Spit it out, Anne!”

  “It’s Rhys,” she whispered. “There’s a picture of him on at least five of them… with another woman.”

  “Anne, that’s not funny,” I said, sitting up in his bed.

  “I’m not joking, babe. It’s obviously him. He’s got his hand on her back, her ass, he’s kissing her in some,” she paused and then added, “It doesn’t look good.”

  Bile rose in my throat and the moment moved in slow motion. Panic bred within me, multiplying into all these unspoken questions. I stood in place, raised my hand to my forehead and rubbed it to clear my thoughts. It suddenly felt too warm to be wearing his jacket; it felt tight even though it was huge on me. It had to be a mistake. I kept telling myself it had to be a misunderstanding.

  “Ellie, are you there?” Anne said, reminding me that I was on the phone even though I was still holding it.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled.

  “Do you want me to cancel my flight? I can try to get a few more days off of work.”

  “No, it’s fine.” I paused. “You’re sure it’s him? Those magazines lie all the time.”

  “Ellie, you don’t know how badly I wish it wasn’t him.”

  “Fuck, I have to go.”

  “Are you okay?” she shouted.

  “Go home. I’ll call you later.”

  I rushed out of his house and practically ran to the nearest newsstand, having to see it for myself. The shelves confirmed what Anne told me, and spread across various covers was Rhys with some woman all over him. I still couldn’t believe it no matter how long I stared at them, no matter how many I purchased and took home to read in private. I laid them across the floor of my flat, scouring each article for details that would clue me in on how it happened.

  As I obsessed over each image, I managed to cry, and scream, and throw the magazines across my apartment only to pick them back up and stare at them in tears. I also drank half a bottle of wine to try to calm myself, but it only fueled my emotions. Staring at the photos didn’t help either, because the longer I looked at his hand around her waist or his gleeful expression as he kissed her concealed face, the deeper the pit in my stomach became.

  While I had been morosely missing him, Rhys had cheated on me and I felt the edges of my world slowly crumbling. I felt myself being pulled back into the grave I’d dug for myself. I felt alone again.

  Anne called when she landed, but I didn’t answer, instead texting her that I needed time. She respected it, but texted back asking if I needed her to kill him for me.

  Me: I haven’t talked to him yet. Don’t kill him.

  The truth was I wanted to kill him. I wanted to call him and demand an explanation, but I wasn’t brave enough. I couldn’t comprehend how he could beg me for my heart months before, only to throw it in my face. It seemed so out of character for Rhys to cheat, yet I had always assumed it would happen; I’d always half-trusted him, supposing that life would hurt me again in the end.

  He had seemed so brokenhearted during my visit, so incomplete without me, yet those photos didn’t give that impression at all. I assumed he’d been acting around me, that I’d been played a fool, because clearly we weren’t on the same page. I just couldn’t figure out why he had tricked me, when all I had done was love him.

  I fell asleep in my own bed, sobbing before I dozed off, but I awoke in the middle of the night to his face on my phone and Magic by Coldplay playing loudly. I silenced it, and then deliberately pushed ignore so he would know I wasn’t sleeping. Even though I was angry, I couldn’t help looking at his gorgeous eyes on my screen in a picture I had taken of him laying in bed beside me. He looked so beautiful, and it only made me hate myself for falling in love with him. I both hated him and missed him, and when his face stopped blinking on my screen, I turned my phone off and set my alarm on the bedside clock.

  I forced myself to go to work, though every step there and back had me uneasy to the verge of nausea. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, people who probably weren’t even looking at me made me feel uncomfortable. All I could think was they all know; they know I was idiotic enough to love him. Making eye contact with my students was dreadful, but thankfully none of them questioned me on it. It was still difficult to teach knowing that some of the girls probably knew and were most likely happy about it.

  Opting to go home after class instead of my office, I emailed John explaining what had transpired and knew he would understand. If anyone knew how hard this was for me, it would be him. In some spark of curiosity and bravery, I turned on my phone when I got home and saw I had voicemails from James, each of my parents, Anne, John, and three from Rhys. I listened to all but his, texting them in appreciation for their concern, but that I wasn’t ready to talk yet. They recognized my need for silence and left me alone.

  But after an hour of feeling the weight of my phone on the coffee table, temptation got the better of me and I ended up mistakenly listening to his messages. They were all from the night before.

  “Darling, I think you hit ignore in your sleep. I just got home and miss you, but only two more weeks. I’ll call again in a few hours.”

  “Hey, your phone’s going straight to voicemail which concerns me. Last time you were sick, hope you and Anne took it easy.”

  “Ellie, I’ve called a few times but nothing’s going through. Please call me. I’m off today so I’ll be able to answer. Love you.”

  He was acting as if he had no idea, as if I was an idiot that didn’t know he’d been with another woman. The only explanation was that he didn’t know he’d been caught on camera. I grew angry at his messages, and they filled me with melancholy because I still loved and missed him, even after the pictures were ingrained in my mind. In a moment of weakness, I texted him and then turned my phone off again.

  Me: I really need you to leave me alone from this point forward.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  “Doubt thou that the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love. - Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2

  In the days that followed, I found myself staring at Aaron’s picture nonstop. He would never have cheated on me; he hated cheaters. Once during high school, James had only flirted with a girl while dating another and Aaron shoved him into a lake in front of everyone at the party. We had only been together for three months, and I remember being shocked by his brash actions. On the way home Aaron explained that he never understood how someone could cheat, that if you didn’t want to be with a person, then you should break up with them first. Obviously it would still hurt, but at least you were respecting them enough to be honest.

  I recalled that conversation frequently that week and wondered if my heart would hurt less had Rhys given me a heads-up. Pr
obably not, it likely would have resembled the feeling that someone was gripping it too tightly and yanking it from my chest. I was numb, and so humiliated when I thought about it all. I had foolishly paraded him around at Thanksgiving, treating him like family, and he had done the same with me at Christmas, tempting me with a future and love that was clearly false. I had trusted someone that lied and played pretend for a living, and I was paying for it.

  By Thursday afternoon John had finally caught me after class. He had been trying to reach me but I’d stealthily escaped to my apartment each day. He forced me to go over his house for dinner where he and Veronica tried comforting me. They respected that I didn’t want to talk about it, and offered me lots of wine since I didn’t have work the next day. Only when John walked me home did he ask, “Have you talked to him at all?”

  “No, there’s nothing to say,” I said with tears in my eyes.

  “You know I see you as a daughter, so I’m going to give you advice this once and then leave it alone.” He paused and gripped my arm. “Don’t you at least want to hear his side of the story? I’ve seen and known many young men in my courses and career, and I’ve never known any as genuine as him. I’ve also failed to see you as alive as you’ve been with him. I think you owe it to yourselves to hear him out at the very least.”

  “He’s left me tons of messages on my phone.”

  “Why don’t you start by listening to them?”

  ∞

  I didn’t turn my phone on until the next morning. I wanted to hear the messages with a clear head and the wine had exhausted me. Because I’d cried so much over the last few days, I had been sleeping surprisingly well. But every night both Aaron and Rhys haunted me in dreams I couldn’t escape. That Friday morning I went for a run, feeling the bitter cold-like pinpricks across my skin and within my lungs, but it still felt better than my reality. Only after I showered and ate breakfast did I finally listen to his messages on speakerphone. The second his voice filled the emptiness of my apartment, my tears returned.

  The first one showed his confusion. “Ellie, what’s going on? Why don’t you want to talk to me?”

  Then the second one a few hours later, “Love, I just spoke to Noah. He told me what’s on the news. Please don’t believe it, I’m hoping you trust me more than that…that you know I wouldn’t.”