Ricochet

by Jessica Wilde

  My throat tightened and my fingers curled into fists. I was doing everything wrong and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I couldn't pull myself out of the shit I had feared the most, the shit that would ruin the people I loved the most.

  "Everything is perfect and you didn't have to do any of this. I don't expect it. The only thing I expect is to be able to touch you when I want to without feeling you freeze up. I expect to be able to kiss you for as long as I can and feel you melt into me. I expect you to let me take care of you. Not the other way around." He kissed the tip of my nose and the corners of my mouth, sending a peaceful calm into my body that I only ever felt with Jack.

  "I don't want dinners at six o'clock on the dot, I don't care about how clean the apartment is and I have no intentions of eating while you run around the kitchen trying to make everything impossibly perfect. I'll put the bread in the oven while you drink that entire glass of wine. Sit down, eat this delicious dinner with me, and let me take care of you. Can you do that for me?"

  I finally opened my eyes and found his piercing gaze roaming my face with concern. He wanted to take care of me.

  "I can do that," I whispered.

  He kissed me long and hard before setting me in my chair and handing over the glass of wine with a wink. I watched him walk around the kitchen and put the bread in the oven, still feeling his hands on me and the peace he made me feel.

  And my stupid, manipulated mind wouldn't stop pulling me back into that pit.

  When would this be taken away, too?

  Chapter Twelve

  "I shot for the sky

  I'm stuck on the ground

  So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down"

  Jason Walker 'Down'

  A Bend and a Break

  I dragged my feet walking into Milestone a week later. My body refused to move the way I wanted it to, but that didn't stop me. I would just have to adapt.

  I had just finished a five mile run. One that I ran quickly without stopping. My lungs were still burning from the effort to push myself. If Jake knew what I was doing, he would have a conniption and my mom and dad would be on the next flight out to bring me back home. Jake wanted me to have peace of mind, but not at the expense of myself.

  And that's what I was doing.

  To prevent ruining everyone around me, everyone I loved, I had to. My mind cleared of panic when I pushed myself harder and the memories stayed hidden in the back corners of my mind. If I was too exhausted to think, I wouldn't remember.

  Jack had forced me to take a break over the weekend. When we met for lunch with his parents, though, it had been another motivation for me to keep going. When we weren't together and I wasn't working, I was running or working out with Amanda. I knew the progress I had made wouldn't match up against Roger when he found me again, but it was something. It was more than I had before and anything was better than what I had before.

  I refused to stop. I refused to let my determination wane and no one could possibly understand why. Amanda had tried to talk to me about it, but I couldn't put it into words. Not in a way she would understand.

  It wasn't just about the fight. It wasn't just about the skills I needed to protect myself. In my mind, it was the only way I could start healing. Knowing I wasn't the same woman he had controlled.

  I dropped my bag to the floor and fell to the bench. The headache I was fighting since that morning had only gotten worse and it was starting to play with my vision.

  "There she is," I heard from across the room.

  Jack was waiting for me like he always did, ready to do whatever I asked if he thought it would help me. I prepared myself for the argument that was about to happen. He would see the dark circles under my eyes, he would see the pain in my body, and he would refuse to let me keep going tonight.

  But I would do it myself if I had to.

  I stood gingerly and stretched my arms over my head. Jack was in front of me a moment later, but his usual smile was gone and in its place was a deep frown filled with worry. In the time it took to walk across the room, he had seen everything I didn't have the energy to hide.

  "How long have you been like this, Ari?"

  We had slept together over the weekend and all week but he had early morning sessions every day so he didn't see me trying to drag myself out of bed every morning. I spent my nights lying awake, trying not to remember, and my mornings forcing myself to leave the apartment so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts.

  "Been like what?" I asked casually and stretched up on my toes to kiss his cheek before turning toward the rest of the room.

  "Like you're about to fall over. Shit, baby, I should have seen this sooner."

  "I don't know what you're talking about, Jack. Let's get started, I have to meet Jake's new artist tonight and put his info on the website."

  "We aren't starting anything," he stated and grasped my hand, pulling me back toward him. "I'm taking you home, I'm feeding you, and I'm putting you to bed. But there is no way in hell I'm training you tonight."

  "Fine," I snapped. "I'll just do it myself, but I'm not leaving."

  Jack stood there rigidly, staring at me while I refused to look at him. I knew his mind was racing over the reasons I could possibly be doing this. I had told him only half truths when we started, but I had no doubt he would figure it out sooner or later.

  "You've been different this last week," he muttered. "I thought it was just you adjusting to us, but now I see that I was wrong. Wasn't I?"

  I shrugged and bent down to tighten my shoe laces, avoiding the conversation any way I could.

  "You need to talk to me, Ari. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

  "I didn't ask for your help with anything other than teaching me."

  "Then I'm done teaching you."

  "What?" I finally faced him, surprised at the finality in his words. "You're done?"

  "Yeah. I'm done. I'm not going to watch you push yourself past your limit anymore. I'm not going to watch you waste away in front of me," he informed me, the roughness in his voice getting to me more than his hands on my shoulders, gently shaking me to listen to him.

  His hands moved to cup my face, the way he did when he was about to pour his heart out to me. "I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself and it's killing me to see you so worn out, so down. Tell me, sweetheart. Tell me why you feel the need to do this."

  He told me often how much he loved me. In fact, he told me every morning, every phone call, and every night he made love to me. He told me when we watched TV and when we ate. He told me when we were alone and when everyone was around us. It didn't matter when or where, he told me he loved me every chance he got. He said he was making up for all the years he hadn't and it never felt insincere. Not once. The more he told me, the more I was determined to fix things. To get myself to a place that I could give him someone perfect to send that love to instead of... me.

  This time was different. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to feel it.

  I wanted the numbness that my body had been feeling only minutes ago.

  Jack had other ideas.

  My feet were moving and he was pulling me out of the gym, leaving my bag behind. We were suddenly in his truck and he was speeding down the road toward my apartment.

  I had worked myself more than I thought because there was not one bit of strength left that I could use to argue my side. I was at his mercy because I had pushed too far.

  "I thought you had been sleeping. In the morning, you're always right where you were whenever I fell asleep. But you aren't sleeping, are you?" he asked, frustration lacing his words and showing on his handsome face.

  "No," I choked out.

  His fingers gripped tighter on the steering wheel until his knuckles were white and he shook his head. His anger wasn't directed at me, but at himself. He thought he had failed me.

  "It's not your fault, Jack. I've just been stressed."

  "About what?"

  "Everything."

&n
bsp; "About Roger? You think that fucker is going to get to you again?"

  "I never thought he couldn't," I bit out.

  "Fuck!" he yelled. "What is it going to take to get that mother fucker out of your head? What do I need to do, Ari? Please, tell me."

  I didn't know the answers because I didn't think there were any. No one could do a damn thing to get Roger out of my head. Not until he was no longer living to destroy me.

  The next few minutes were a blur of movement. Jack pulled up to the steps of my apartment and all but carried me up to my door. Once inside, he sat me on the couch and went to the kitchen to look for something to make me eat. When he came back with a granola bar and an apple, I held them in my lap and stared at the wall in front of me.

  It was a while before either of us spoke. Jack put his hand on my leg, letting me know he wasn't going anywhere until we hashed this out. Letting me know he still wanted me even when I made myself undesirable.

  "What did he do, Ari? Where did he take you that you can't even come up for a breath of air before sinking back down?"

  I felt that horrible stinging in my nose and the back of my eyes. The threat of tears was vicious and there was nothing that could stop them from spilling over.

  "I can't stop, Jack. Not until he's gone. He'll destroy everything."

  Jack pulled me into his side and settled us back into the cushions. "He can't destroy what he can't get his hands on, babe. Jake and I won't let him near you."

  "It's not that," I sobbed into his chest. "It's not that."

  "Then what is it, sweetheart?"

  I sniffed and squeezed my eyes shut, pushing out a few more tears to spill onto his shirt. "He knows about Jake," I finally said, the admission taking my breath away.

  "What about Jake?" he asked gently, his arms holding me tighter.

  "He knows what Jake did. What made you leave. He knows about Dillon Thatcher."

  Jack's entire body went rigid, his arms tightening to the point of pain, but I couldn't pay attention to it. It was the frigid feeling coming off of him that made me pull away and look at him. His face was hard, but his eyes were filled with fear.

  "He knows?" He swallowed. "You know?"

  I nodded my head and sat back, putting distance between us so I could tell him everything.

  "I know about it because I heard Jake talking to mom and dad a few days after you left. I was there when the cops arrested him and I was there when he came back. I heard conversations he had over the phone and I put two and two together. I don't care that he killed the guy. Thatcher was a horrible person, a rapist and a murderer. He didn't deserve to live."

  "Wait. You think Jake killed Thatcher?"

  "Well, yeah. He was arrested, but there wasn't enough evidence against him. I practically heard him confess it to my parents, Jack."

  He stayed silent, his jaw ticking and the fear in his eyes faded away into understanding. "That's why you stayed."

  "Yes. Roger said if I left him, he would send Jake to prison. He said he had eye witnesses and information that he dug up that would ensure Jake's arrest. I couldn't let him do that to my brother. It was the only thing that would keep me with him and he used it. It's only a matter of time before -"

  "It wasn't Jake."

  I turned to Jack and saw him drop his head into his hands, his shoulders rounding in defeat.

  "What?"

  He released a long breath and rubbed both of his hands down his face. "It wasn't Jake who killed Dillon Thatcher."

  "Then who..."

  Finally, all the little pieces clicked into place. The real reasons Jack had taken his family and left town, why Jake had forced him to, the broken conversations I had listened to so long ago.

  "Jake said that it would be harder for the police to prove him guilty if I left town. Jake was seen walking into that building. I wasn't. He said if I left and didn't give any indication that I was even there, the cops wouldn't have enough to pin it on either one of us and if they did, then we would each confess to doing it alone. Make them arrest us both and hopefully get off on a technicality."

  My mouth was hanging open in shock. Hearing the details was what I always wanted, but knowing they would lead to what I now know to be true... I almost told him to stop talking, to please never tell me the truth.

  "We were stupid and thought we were invincible," he stated and shook his head.

  "So, it worked?"

  "Fuck! Not if it means that you had to suffer to protect us!" he shouted, standing from the couch and pacing the room. "Why would you do that, Ari?"

  I swallowed the emotion clogging my throat. "I would do anything for my brother, for you."

  A loud crack sounded in the room and I looked up in time to see Jack pull his hand out of the wall. "Dammit! Why?"

  More tears came rushing out and I couldn't get a hold on how much everything had suddenly changed.

  "What are you telling me, Jack? Just say it!"

  He took a deep breath and shook out his hand. He came back to the couch and knelt in front of me, taking my trembling hands into his and kissing my fingers. He was scaring me.

  "Dillon was a fucking prick. Power hungry and brutal without a conscience. There was another rival in town because there was always another rival in town," he shook his head and kissed my knuckles. "But these guys had a cop on their side. Dillon wanted Jake and me to take him out and if we weren't careful enough, take the heat for it. Neither one of us had needed to kill anyone. It was run on intimidation and who you knew in a power position. It was violent, but Jake and I avoided that as much as possible like we avoided the drugs and the women. Well, I avoided the women, Jake not so much. Because of that, Dillon targeted us. Jake had slept with one of Dillon's women. God only knows how many the piece of shit had, so Jake had no idea until after. We refused to do what he told us.

  "When he freaked out, we took it upon ourselves to find out more about the guy. He hadn't been running the group for very long, but no one dared stand up to him. That's when we found out he had raped and murdered three women and somehow got out of the charges on a technicality."

  He sat back on his heels, still tangling his fingers through mine, but refusing to look at me. He took a shaky breath and leaned forward to kiss my fingers once more. That's when I knew. It wasn't just me that would do anything for him.

  "He found you, baby. He saw you and he knew exactly what it would take to convince us. Jake and I had come to your birthday and he followed us and saw you there, saw us with you. He knew right away how I felt about you, knew that Jake would die protecting you."

  His hands were shaking and I pulled him closer, trying to bring some kind of comfort to him while he spilled the secrets that had been tearing him apart for years. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my lap while I held onto him.

  "It was later that day when we got back. He threatened you. Said he would get to you if we didn't do what he said. The things he said, Ari... I lost it. Jake lost it. I was standing the closest and got to him first. We fought until he pulled a gun out. Jake went for him and I got a hold of it."

  He looked up at me, his eyes red with unshed tears and his breathing choppy. "I'm the one who killed him. I did it to protect you."

  I closed my eyes, feeling my stomach roll after hearing the truth.

  "Jake told me to leave town with my family in case there was any fall back. He didn't want me going to prison and he convinced me by using you. He knew how much it would hurt you to see that. Needless to say, no one gave a shit about Thatcher, but it was better that I wasn't around unless they tried to charge Jake. He wanted to deal with the fall out even though I begged him not to. I was ready to deal with the consequences and I wasn't going to let you lose your brother. But everything worked out in the end. There wasn't sufficient evidence to prove Jake did it and there were enough people gunning for the guy that they couldn't just zero in on one suspect. So they closed the investigation. The cop that Thatcher had a hard on for made it possible with a li
ttle pushing, but it was done."

  "Done," I repeated, a blank stare on my face.

  "Except you got hurt anyway," Jack whispered into my lap.

  "Why didn't you come back for me?" I asked, tears falling down onto his face as he looked up at me. I had always wondered why they never came back, never even really contacted me.

  Jack's brow furrowed in concern and he cupped my face and wiped away the trail of tears. "I did."

  "When?" I gasped.

  "I was too late. You were already with Roger and hated me. I thought you were happy."

  I closed my eyes and remembered that day. Seeing Jack briefly before I went out with my friends. It was the night everything changed with Roger.

  "You came for my birthday?"

  He nodded. "I planned on apologizing and begging you to let me be with you. I was done avoiding it. I had promised Jake that I would wait until you were eighteen, but then all the shit happened and time just got pushed back. I was done waiting."

  "Oh my God," I breathed, the tears uncontrollable and my entire body shaking.

  Jack sat up and pulled me into his arms, letting me cry against his chest. Letting me get out all the years of wondering, all the years of bitterness, all the secrets and lies.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" I sobbed.

  "Not knowing the truth was safer and I couldn't handle seeing the disappointment on your face. The last person I wanted to disappoint was you. I couldn't handle knowing your light would go out. I had to protect you every way I could."

  "It went out anyway. I filled myself with so much bitterness when I saw Jake go through that alone. I thought you were a coward."

  "I was."

  "No. You never were. You never could be. You saved me. I have no doubt that man would have gotten to me. I was clueless back then."

  "I wouldn't have let that happen. Neither would Jake. Getting rid of him was the only way and I'll never regret it." He kissed the top of my head and combed his fingers through my hair like he always did, trying to give me some kind of comfort. "The only thing I regret is not going back for you sooner and letting you walk out that door on your birthday. If I would have just had the balls to say something, you wouldn't -"