Going Solo (New Song)

by Barrett, Brenda

  Carson said wryly, "That Christmas sucked. I think I cried like a baby that year."

  "You did?" Alice looked at him, appalled. "I made you miserable. I was always whining, and I cried at the drop of a hat. At least you should have been happy that I wasn't around."

  "I'll never be happy when you are not around. I missed you so badly," Carson said clenching his hand, "that I practically started sleeping here. I worked some mad hours too. That day when you left, I saw a lavender negligee in a storefront. It was light and pretty. I pictured you in it and I bought it. I was coming home to give it to you. I wanted you to wear it for me."

  "Oh no," Alice whispered. "Sorry."

  Carson nodded. "I know. We both had to grow but now you are here."

  "I am leaving in a week," Alice said softly. "Seven days."

  Carson did not say anything.

  "Say something." Alice prodded him.

  Carson shrugged. "I never want to hold you back or interfere with what you think is right for you. If you and I, us, our marriage is not right for you, then I won't be in your way."

  Alice closed her eyes and then opened them again. He touched her hair and then ran his fingers across her cheek. "You realize that next January you'll be thirty years old?"

  "Yes," Alice said. "I know I am getting older."

  He smiled. "I met you when you were ten, a wide-eyed girl with a solemn expression who always stuck out like a sore thumb in our grungy, ugly neighborhood. My girl forever." He raised her hand and kissed her knuckles one by one. "Time is not waiting on us, Alice. I can't wait ten more years for you."

  He released her hand, "I am going to get Mia. She should be filthy by now. I think she was helping to re-spray a car."

  Alice nodded at his retreating back.

  *****

  Alice looked through the car window at the beautiful morning before her. She had woken up hoping that it would be an absolutely foul day or that she would have a sudden and terrible bout of flu and she wouldn't have to go to church with Carson and Mia. However here she was—hale and hearty. The day was mocking her with its clear, blue, cloudless skies and gentle breeze—perfect beach day or church day. Church would be packed, and to top it all off, it was Communion Day.

  Alice only realized that after Mia came out in her white dress, shoes and ribbons. Women wore white for communion service at Cedar Hill Church. She had put on red. Maybe she was subconsciously being the scarlet woman.

  Carson kept glancing at her and patting her leg reassuringly, but she was not buying it. There was no reassurance here. She was walking into the lion's den.

  When Carson parked in the parking lot, which seemed to have been extended, she glanced at the church—its cut stone exterior and its colorful glass windows. The big red oval door was opened wide. Alice extended her gaze to the church hall and the pastors’ offices, the place of her defilement and then swung her eyes back to the church.

  Carson was sitting silently in the car beside her. "I don't want you to be late for Sabbath school, Mia," he said, looking back at Mia.

  Mia opened the door and got out of the car. "See you later," she said to Alice happily.

  Alice nodded mutely and watched as she walked rapidly toward the back of the church, where the children’s division was.

  "Cedar Hill Church," Alice said softly. "The church with the red door."

  "Lovely place," Carson said, "with lovely people. You won't feel uncomfortable here."

  "How can you say that?" Alice asked, "I hate this place, and these people are so judgmental."

  "You hated what happened to you at this place by a very sick man," Carson said, holding her hands. "He is no longer here. The people here know that you were away for ten years. They will have questions because naturally we are curious people. You don't have to answer them."

  Alice sighed and reluctantly got out of the car with Carson.

  When they headed up the walkway, Carson had his hand in the small of her back; it gave her some assurance. An usher greeted them at the door. On hearing that she was Carson's wife, he actually hugged her warmly.

  Not bad so far. She thought. When they stood at the entrance of the church, Alice was expecting a sea of condemning eyes, but all she got were polite nods and smiles when they passed by.

  She breathed a sigh of relief when she sat down beside Carson in the middle of a pew beside Ian and Ruby. Inside of the church looked the same. There were fresh cut flower bouquets at the top of the podium that added a splash of color to the white decor. The service was surprisingly soothing. She had expected to be thinking about the past, seeing old curious faces and being the center of censorious attention.

  The main prayer was heartfelt and it had shades of the Serenity Prayer: Help us Lord to accept the things that we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and your wisdom to know the difference. Help us not to continue living in the past but to reconcile with those who have hurt us so that we can move forward with You in peace.

  It was such a good prayer that Alice was reluctant to get off her knees. She had felt it. She needed the serenity. She had come to Jamaica to find it, and here at this place, the unexpected was happening. She felt herself letting go.

  Dinner at the James' was actually fun. They were very warm and they all went out of their way to make Alice feel welcome. Apparently, they had also invited the other band members. They were all there, except for Logan and Melody, who had gone to a different church.

  Somehow, having the band members there made Alice feel even more at home. The adults went to the back porch after eating. Mia and her friend, Sancia, were watching a children's program on television.

  "It was lovely having you at church today, Alice," Bobby said, "I hope Cedar Hill will be your church home."

  "I er..." Alice looked at Carson first and then swallowed, "I am leaving in four days."

  "So when will you be back?" Ian asked. He was looking out at the view but he snapped his head around quickly.

  "I don't know," she said faintly.

  All of them were looking at her now, except Carson. He had heard it all before and she figured he was resigned to her leaving.

  "Why did you leave in the first place?" Jayce asked. Alice knew that he would be the one to ask the question that was on the forefront of all their minds.

  She sighed. Maybe she owed them some sort of explanation. They had stepped in and each in their own way had helped Carson with Mia. They were a very tight-knit group. Carson had not breathed a word to them about what happened to her after all these years. She was sure that it was a burden for him to keep it from his friends.

  "I was raped…" she said simply, "by Pastor Keen when I worked for him in the church office. Mia was the result. I never got the chance to really deal with the rape, much less having a baby for my rapist, so I left. I resented Mia and I couldn't turn on the motherly feelings of love everybody expected me to have."

  You could hear a pin drop when she said it.

  Ruby had her hand over heart. Her mouth was wide open and Alice knew she had no idea that it was.

  Jayce was the first one to speak. "You mean Mia is not Carson's..."

  "She is," Carson said, a warning tone in his voice.

  Bobby was so agitated that he had gotten up. "Pastor Keen? Our Pastor Keen?"

  Tears were in Ruby's eyes. "I am so sorry, Alice. I take back every bad thing I have ever thought or said about you."

  Alice chuckled. "Thank you, I guess."

  "Now, I understand," Aaron said in relief. "I just didn't get why you even considered suicide that time when you were pregnant."

  They all had a lot to digest. Everyone was silent for a while.

  "Are you ever going to tell Mia?" Jayce asked after a while.

  "Not until she is an adult," Carson said sternly, "and neither should any of you."

  "You don't need to tell us that." Aaron looked pained. "What do you take us for, insensitive dimwits?"

  "That's exactly why he didn't tell us," Ian
said grumpily. "He didn't trust us."

  "It was Alice's story to tell." Carson shrugged.

  Ian was about to argue but he was silenced by a fierce look from Ruby.

  They left soon after that. When Alice was about to get into the car, she got hugs from everybody including a teary Ruby who clung to her. "I wish you wouldn't go."

  "You mean stay here at Pastor Bob's place?" Alice asked, deliberately misunderstanding Ruby.

  Ruby chuckled. "I mean stay here with us, in Jamaica. I would love if we were friends."

  Alice squeezed Ruby's hands. She didn't have anything to say. Besides, Mia was looking at them from the back seat.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Thursday came with the stealth of a thief. Alice had barely slept a wink the night before. She was thinking about leaving. Carson had not made it any easier on her because he had not slept either. He had tossed and turned and was generally restless. At times, he clutched her so hard that she knew she had bruises to show for it but she did not have the heart to wrestle herself from his tight grip.

  She got up and sat on the balcony outside the room. The sun had not risen yet. Her flight was at ten, so she had five hours before she had to say goodbye to Mia and Carson.

  Was she up to it though? She put her feet on the balcony railing and wriggled her toes. She needed a pedicure. That would be the first thing that she would do when she got off the plane. She would go to Sonia's and get a pedicure and then she would pick up Candy from Marsha's and reacquaint herself with her cat.

  After that, she would go to Joss' Cafe around the corner from where she lived and buy some scones. He had the best-melt-in-your-mouth butter scones. She would then visit the shop, even though it would be night, and stand in the store and savor the satisfaction of knowing that she had built it into a viable venture with her own sweat and tears.

  And then what?

  Then life would go on as it had before—lonely and meaningless. Each day would feel as if she was walking in molasses because her heart was here in Jamaica.

  She got up from her chair and almost walked into Carson. He had been standing behind her but she had not noticed.

  He did not say a word to her. He just picked her up effortlessly and carried her to bed. They made love slowly with a hint of desperation that had them both crying when it was over.

  "What time is your flight?" Carson asked hoarsely.

  "Ten." Alice responded. She had her head buried in his neck and she could scarcely breathe but she did not want to move. She wished she could stay there forever.

  "I have something for you." Carson got up and took out a square shaped box. It was wrapped in burgundy with a little bow on the top. Alice took it from him and was about to open it.

  "No," Carson said huskily, "only open it when you decide to come back home permanently." He kissed her softly. "Don't wait for ten more years, Alice."

  He headed for the shower and closed the bathroom door. He wanted to be alone. She was still holding the box with a far away look on her face when he came out of the shower.

  He was solemn. He glanced at the clock. "You'll miss your flight."

  She looked at the clock. It was seven. She had to check in at nine and she had not packed yet.

  She had expected Carson to beg her to stay, not suggest that she would miss her flight. Why did he not ask her to stay so that she could list the reasons she had to go and maybe convince him and herself?

  He left the room and she slowly pulled her bag from the closet, stopping to put on one of his robes. It smelled like him and she hugged it to her while she stood and looked at her bag.

  When she heard a tentative knock on her door, she murmured, "Come in." She knew it was Mia. These past four days they had spent a lot of time together and Mia had not once mentioned the fact that she was going away.

  She turned around slowly and there was Mia, looking from her to the bag. Her eyes were wide in her face as if she was forcing herself not to blink.

  "Oh, Mia," Alice said softly, "Mia I have to go."

  Mia ran and hugged her so tightly that Alice was forced to hug her back. It was the first time she was hugging her. She felt her slight body. She was heaving. Big gulping sobs were coming form her.

  Alice held her for a long time, only moving when Mia stepped away, her eyes red and swollen. "If you stay, I swear I'll be good." Her lips were trembling.

  Alice felt a crack in the hard casing that surrounded her heart where Mia was concerned.

  "Oh Mia..." Alice did not want to have to deal with this. She pulled her suitcase to the bed and started packing. "I have to leave. I promise this time I'll call you often, okay."

  Mia started crying again and Alice felt like the lowest of the low. She did not want to feel anything for her, this girl, her daughter but who could withstand the pain of a little girl who was looking on her with such pleading?

  Carson came to the rescue once more. He came into the room, took one look at Mia and lifted her up. "Come on, Muffin. Daddy is here."

  When they left, Alice sank to the floor at the side of the bed with her clothes strewn all around her.

  *****

  Carson barely made it to the airport in time for Alice to check in. Everyone was solemn. It was as if it were a funeral, and it probably was in a sense. Carson feared it was the end of their marriage. This month proved to him that he loved Alice but he could not live in limbo, waiting on her forever.

  He was happy that Mia got to meet and to know her. Yet, he could see how devastated she was now that Alice was leaving. He hoped that Alice did as she said and called because not doing so would be cruel to Mia.

  He carried Alice's bag to the check-in point. He and Mia stood like wooden people, watching as she checked in and then turned around to tell them goodbye. It did not help that her face was betraying her suffering. What mattered was that she was leaving. They watched her as she dragged her bags away and turned around and gave them one last little wave that did nothing to sooth their disappointment that she was leaving with only the promise to call. A telephone would never fill the gap of actually having her near.

  Mia hugged Carson, pressing her face in his shirt, and he hugged her around her shoulders. Why were they so sad, anyway? Alice was only with them for a month. It was always just the two of them. They did not always have Alice.

  Just one month and it actually felt as if they had always had her in their lives. It would have been better if she had not come back. The first time she left, Mia was just a baby and Carson had a pressing job that took up most of his time and energy. This time, he had more time on his hands. Now she had left him with memories that seemed impossible to shrug off and forget. He wished he could just wake up tomorrow and forget that she had come back in their lives.

  "Want us to go work on a classic car?" he asked Mia, trying to inject some enthusiasm in his voice.

  Mia shook her head. "I think I want to stay home today."

  He considered her response. Mia had never refused to help him work on a car no matter how down she was. This type of depression was new and alarming.

  "Okay," he said slowly. "No garage for either of us today. Whatever happens today, we stick together."

  Chapter Twenty

  It took Alice four days holed up in her apartment before she even called Marsha.

  "I thought you delayed your flight," Marsha said to her friend, incredulously. "Should I carry over your cat?"

  It took her five days before she visited Joss' Cafe. Somehow, the scones did not taste as good as she remembered. By day six, she was sitting in Megan's office. Megan had stepped out for a while. The air condition was broken and when Megan walked into the office, she removed her glasses and looked at Alice, her pale blue eyes filled with surprise.

  "You look terrible!" was the first thing she said. "What happened?"

  After Alice told Megan of her trip, she ended with, "I miss them. I miss Carson and believe it or not, I miss Mia."

  "So what are you doing here? You should be
back in Jamaica 'mon'," Megan said trying to imitate the Jamaican accent.

  "I am not sure I'll be a good mother or friend or whatever to Mia." Alice bit her lip. "I don't want her to grow up screwed up."

  "Alice Bell," Megan said sternly, "I am not speaking as your psychotherapist right now. This session is completely pro bono because what I am about to tell you is going to be very brief. I have been seeing you for five years now. I know your pain. I know what you went through. I know and I empathize and I know this...You are ready. I sent you to Jamaica because I knew you were ready. Do not let fear cripple you now. You are afraid to love Mia, afraid to be her mother, afraid to fail. You are afraid of so many things...let it go, honey. Let the fear go."

  She grabbed Alice by the hand and looked at her squarely. She was a little shorter than her, so Alice could look down on top of her neatly coifed red hair, which was peppered with gray. "Carson still loves you after all these years?" Megan asked.

  Alice nodded.

  "You lived with him for close to two weeks, shared his bed, sang with him at an event, reconnected with your old friends, had conversations with your mother and sister? Girl, what are you doing in this office?"

  Megan led her to the door slowly. "Alice, I have grown to love you, and you were a stranger to me until I met you five years ago. So too, you will grow to love Mia. Allow yourself to do so. It's as simple as that."

  She opened the door.

  "That slime ball who raped you is getting his just desserts, tied to a wheelchair and helpless. Nine years you said? That's not bad prison time and maybe he'll get more. You have to forgive him and move on. That's the final link in your puzzle."

  It will take time, but one day, maybe at Mia's wedding, you'll find that you can't remember the bitterness of her conception. You'll just be happy that she is here. I wish you all the best my dear," Megan said, her eyes twinkling. "Send me a post card now and then from Jamaica, will you? Oh, you can name one of your new babies Megan; it would be a great honor." She closed the door in Alice's face.