by L. P. Maxa
I watched her throat work to swallow and felt even shitter about myself. Why had I dragged her out here? Why was I saying these things to her? Hadn’t I hurt her enough? She pulled her arms around her body even tighter. “I’m not sure that you did, Beau.”
“Everything I’ve ever done was because I loved you.” I wanted to move closer. I wanted to hold her until all her unshed tears dried up. But I’d lost that right, that privilege. “Leaving tore me apart. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing your face. I missed you and I missed home. I missed everything about our life together, Hales. Please know that.”
“I know that you think you did what was best for me. I know that leaving hurt you too.” She wiped at her eyes, her shoulders sagging. “But you had no idea what was right for me. You had no idea how I was feeling or what I was thinking…because you never bothered to ask.”
“You were so young and—”
“Old enough to have sex with though, right? Old enough to get pregnant. Old enough to lose a child, to watch life literally drain out of my body.” She nodded, her jaw clenched. “But apparently too young to be able to handle an adult conversation about our future.”
“That’s not what I meant. If you would just lis—”
“My ride is here.” I turned and followed her gaze. Cash was pulling to the side of the road in his Jeep. Of course she’d texted him. I’d made him her perpetual knight in shining armor, yet another thing that was my fucking fault.
“Hales.” My voice caught as I choked on my shame and her disapproval.
“Things won’t be weird around our parents. I promise I’ll keep my composure.” She turned toward the idling SUV then faced me again. “You’re off the hook, Beau. If you’ve been holding on to the fact that you hurt me, that I’m not okay, you can let it all go because I’m fine.” She walked away, opened the door, then hopped up into the passenger seat and didn’t look back as they drove away.
I got on my bike. My head hung, too heavy with sorrow to remain upright. I’d made the wrong choice in bringing her here, in trying to smooth things out between us. I wasn’t even one hundred percent sure why I’d done it. I hoped it was because I was trying to help, because I just wanted to make sure she was okay. But a big part of me, a part I was trying real hard to ignore, wasn’t so sure. My fingers still itched to touch her, my arms tried to reach for her without conscious thought.
I knew I still loved her. But wanting her with a brutality that tore through me?
I hadn’t been prepared for that.
***
“What the fuck, Beau?”
I sat up on the couch when I heard the front door slam shut. I’d been lying in comatose silence for the past hour staring at the ceiling, my brain blanked with regret. Crue walked toward me with an irate look on his pretty-boy face. “Can I help you?”
He stepped into the living room, waving his arms as he spoke. “You told Hales about Cash and I switching places? What the fuck? If I’d have known you were going to be a fucking narc I wouldn’t have—”
I held up my hand, stopping him. I was still the oldest boy, and that would always hold weight in this family. “I understand you’re angry, and I am sorry that I told Halen. I can assure that wasn’t my intention. It just sort of slipped out.”
“She lost her shit.”
I snorted. “I can imagine.”
“She screamed at me for five minutes straight, man.” He collapsed next to me on the sectional, clearly defeated. “But she said she wouldn’t tell the ‘rents, or anyone else, as long as we stopped.”
“She loves you guys and she doesn’t want to see either of you get hurt.”
He scoffed. “Cash is in no pain, I promise.”
“Hales knows that being a fuckboy isn’t really something Cash would relish. And she doesn’t want this ridiculous crap to cause a rift between you two.” I slapped his leg, hard. “She’s just looking out for you. Both of you.”
“Cash came home a little while ago, pissed as hell.” He turned to me, his face a mixture of fuck you and back off. “He said you kidnapped Halen and made her cry.”
I rolled my eyes. “I did not kidnap her. And I didn’t make her cry…on purpose.”
“You need to leave her alone, bro.”
I closed my eyes, more than annoyed that my younger cousins thought so little of me. And that I deserved their scorn. “Hales and I are none of your business. Didn’t we go over this last night at the tank?”
“Well, she’s my family. And you sure as fuck made her Cash’s business when you left. Didn’t we go over that last night at the tank?”
He had me there. “Fair enough.”
“You want to come to a party at the lake tonight?” Crue scrubbed his hands down his face, apparently trying to wipe his anger away in the process. “Hales is supposed to go, but twenty bucks says she’ll talk Cash into taking her home after an hour or two. You can meet up with us later.”
Saturday night handouts from my younger cousin; was this really my life right now? I’d never partied much in high school. Everyone assumed I was some mysterious bad-boy loner. But that wasn’t ever the case. I’d just always preferred the company of my older sister and Halen, and neither of them had been in grades close to mine. “No, man, you guys go. Have fun and call me if you need a ride.” He got up and I called out after him, “Make good choices.” I smiled to myself. Make good choices was what our Aunt Mikah always said. Hell, she’d tattooed it on her arm in college to remind herself.
Maybe I should’ve followed suit when I was in high school.
Chapter Eleven
Halen
“I can’t believe I agreed to come to this party with you guys.” I stepped around a pile of discarded red Solo cups overflowing from a giant black trash can. “I feel like such a loser.” And I really fudging did. I was nineteen, at a high school lake party. I hadn’t been to one of these since I was sixteen. But like my sister said, I’d have felt like even more of a loser moping around the house trying not to think about Beau.
Crue handed me a cup then turned back to the keg to fill one for himself. “Get wasted—you’ll care less.”
“Lovely life lesson there, Motley Crue.” He shrugged and walked back over to his tailgate, hopping up beside Avory and skimming his finger along her thigh. It was discrete and unless you were studying them, you wouldn’t have caught it. I remembered stolen touches like that; moments when I had to have contact no matter who was watching. I downed the ice-cold beer in a few swallows and then handed my cup to whichever baseball all-star was standing at the keg. “Another. Please.”
“Yes ma’am.”
Ma’am said in that sweet southern drawl made me feel like smiling, and when my cup was handed back, I downed that one too. Maybe there was something to Crue’s stupid philosophy after all. I’d had a shitty couple of days. Old wounds had resurfaced and then been ripped back open. I’d cried so much I was pretty sure I was officially out of tears. And the torture would be continuing for the next three fudging days. Yeah. I deserved to have a few drinks.
When I held my beer cup out for another refill, the kid holding the tap chuckled. “Sugar, if you want to get wasted, there are better ways then consuming five hundred calories’ worth of beer in under two minutes.”
I wrinkled my nose. “I’m not really in the habit of counting my calories, but thanks for the tip.” Was a high school boy calling me fat? I looked down at my army green skinny jeans and loose white tank. Yep, still thin.
“That’s not what I meant.” He smiled, letting his eyes trail up and down my body appreciatively. “But if you’re going for drunk, you’ll end up full or puking before you drink enough beer to really get you there.” The guy was tall, almost lanky, with sandy blond hair and pretty brown eyes. He was wearing a black baseball shirt and tight jeans. It looked like he’d left practice and then hopped on a tractor and bailed some hay.
Well, when in Rome. I crossed my arms over my chest. “W
hat’d you have in mind, all-star?”
***
“Vodka?” Crue threw his hands in the air. “You gave her vodka? Look at her. She weighs a buck ten, maybe.”
My new friend, the one who’d been making my drinks, shrugged. “She was downing cups of beer like she was on a damn bender. How was I supposed to know she couldn’t handle a few vodka drinks?” Benson. I think his name was Benson. “She’s like, what, twenty-three?”
I let my mouth fall open in a dramatic outrage. “I am nineteen, thank you very much.” I was sitting in the bed of Crue’s truck and I was wasted. I knew this to be true because when I tried to walk the ground kept tripping me. It was rude like that. “And I’m right here, so stop talking about me like I’m not.” I nodded, pretty sure I’d gotten all that out sans slurs.
“What am I going to do with you?” Crue sounded like an angry parent, which made me start to giggle. It took me awhile to calm down after that.
“Just get Cash over here. He’ll take me home.” Poor Cash. Talk about being a parent. That guy was like the protective big brother I’d never had. If anyone would take care of little ol’ drunk me, it was him.
Crue groaned. “He can’t. He isn’t here right now.”
“So call him.”
“He’s, uh, he’s busy.”
Hmmm. Confused here. I felt like Crue’s words should have pissed me off, but I was having a really hard time remembering why. Come on, Halen, try to remember why you’re pissed at Crue… Something that has to do with Cash. Cash. Crue. Cash Crue. I closed my eyes, concentrating really hard. I gasped suddenly, making everyone around me jump. “I thought you said that you would stop asking Cash to—”
Crue put his hand over my mouth, his eyes pleading with me. I looked to the right, my little sister’s expression mirroring her boyfriend’s. Screw them. I was too drunk to play along, too drunk to put up with their puppy love bullshit. Crue must have seen my defiance because he kept his hand over my mouth and picked me up then tossed me into the cab of his truck.
He climbed in next to me, shutting the door and hitting the lock button. “Hales.”
“Don’t ‘Hales’ me, Romeo.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “You’re the one who told me to get drunk. You’ll care less. Well. Mission accomplished. I don’t fudging care at all.” I raised my eyebrows. “And that includes outing the stupid switch-hitter thing you got going.”
His forehead wrinkled. “I think you mean designated hitter. Switch hitter would be more like if I was banging Avory and Benson. Which, I’m not.”
Oh. “You’re right, I meant designated hitter.” I reached over and tried to open my door, but he quickly hit the lock button again. “Will you stop being such a damn killjoy? You wanted me to have fun, and I’m having fun. For once, nothing matters, and it’s fucking amazing.” I threw my arms wide and into the air, my hands knocking the roof of the truck.
“Did you just say fuck? That’s it. I’m calling someone to come get you. I can’t leave. I’m everyone’s ride. Cash isn’t back yet, and you’re sloshed.” He pulled out his phone, holding his hand over my mouth when I opened it to get pissed about Cash all over again.
“Who are you texting?” My question was mumbled against his palm. “It better not be Beau.”
He snorted. “I need to get you home, not provide you with a punching bag.” His comment pissed me off so I bit his palm, hard. “What the fuck, Hales?”
“Punching bag? So two days in and you’re team Cole?” I, Halen Grace Conner, was the injured party and the one Crue should be supporting. Not stupid Beau Weston Cole.
“Right now I’m team ‘get Halen home and into bed without causing a scene.’”
I rolled down the window and hung my head out, looking around to the tailgate. “Hey!” When all heads turned toward me I smiled. “Anyone seen my all-star? He’s about yay tall.” I held my hand up above my head.
Benson hopped down and came sauntering over to my window, a smirk on his handsome baby face. “Yes, ma’am?”
I gestured him closer with a crook of my finger. His smirk grew. I put my mouth next to his ear, and whispered thank you as I took the cup out of his hands. Then I drained it and with a sidearm throw tossed the empty into the tailgate. Score.
Chapter Twelve
Beau
Halen was going to kill me. So were Crue and Cash for that matter, but Landry hadn’t left me with another choice. She’d called me into her room after she’d received a text saying that Halen was wasted and needed to be picked up. Oddly, Landry’s room had smelled like vomit and Lysol. I’d closed the door as quickly as I’d opened it, promising her I’d take care of it.
Now here I was, in my mom’s practical yet expensive SUV, rolling up to a high school kegger. I parked and got out, immediately spotting Crue’s four-door white truck. I kept my head down, and my hands in my pockets. At the end of the day, my family was famous, and any one of us were social media gold.
“What the fuck, Beau? I texted Landry.” For the second time today, Crue looked like he wanted to punch me.
“She’s sick.” I glanced around the party. “Where’s Hales?” I wanted to load her in the car, get her home, and then get gone. With any luck, she wouldn’t even remember me coming to pick her up. If she did, that would just set us back in the making-amends department. She’d be pissed I’d seen her wasted—pissed and embarrassed.
Crue jerked his head toward the cab of his truck. “She’s in there.”
“Who is in there with her?” I tilted my head to the side. “Is that Cash? Does he need a ride too?”
“No, that’s my friend Benson.” Crue shrugged like it was no big deal. “Hales seems to like him and she wouldn’t stay in there alone.” I looked back up just in time to see Hales lean into whoever the fuck Benson was.
I shoved past my cousin. “She’s drunk, asshole. She doesn’t know what she likes right now.” I opened the door and instantly threw Halen over my shoulder before she had time to protest. When the guy she’d been—let’s hope talking to—started to gripe, I slammed the door in his face.
“What the fuck? Beau?” Halen went from shocked to fighting mad in two-point-five seconds.
“Is that the response I’m going to get from everyone in this damn family when I show up now?” I shot Crue one final go to hell look and then headed back to my mom’s car. Halen fought me the whole walk over, kicking and pounding on my back. But she was drunk; her reaction time was slow and her fight sloppy.
I put her in the passenger seat, buckling her safely in. She looked beautiful, she really did. Her hair was hanging down her back and was wild from the wind that had come off the water. Her cheeks were pink from the alcohol in her system. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to touch her. Having her right here, looking edible and not being able to do anything about it put me in an even fouler mood. “You’re welcome for the ride by the way.” Apparently I was going to take my irritation out on her. “I remember my first beer too.”
“Vodka, jackass.” Halen leaned her head against the window but didn’t say anything else. She was silent for so long I assumed she’d fallen asleep, so it startled me when she spoke again. “I was having fun. For the first time, in a very long time, I was having fun.”
“You’re wasted.”
“I stopped caring.” She crossed her arms over her chest, a position she stayed in a lot around me. “Nothing mattered for a few hours, and it felt amazing.” She rolled her head to the left, meeting my gaze when I glanced over at her. “It felt fucking amazing, Beau.”
I did that to her, that’s what her eyes said. That’s what she was really telling me. I broke her and I had no clue how to fix her. All the I’m sorries in the world wouldn’t make it better, and my touch wouldn’t soothe any aches.
I felt hopeless and lost.
Shit.
All the lights were out at Halen’s house when we pulled into their driveway. Marley and Avory were still at that party, and, apparently our parents were all still down at
the pool house. Halen had passed out a few minutes ago so I had to unbuckle her then scoop her into my arms.
I carried her through the front door, down the hall to the left, and into her room. Memories assaulted me while her scent surrounded me. She had the same bed, but different covers. A lot of the pictures of us were still up on her walls, on her dresser. I laid her down and picked up a frame from her nightstand. It was a picture of us at her seventeenth birthday party. She was laughing and I had my arm around her neck, my mouth close to her ear. I’ll give you your real present tonight after everyone else is asleep, Sweets. Landry had taken that one with my camera.
“I couldn’t throw them all out. My parents would have noticed.”
I put the frame down and met Halen’s gaze in the dark room. Now probably wasn’t the time to have a heart to heart. But I knew I couldn’t leave her without saying something to try to thaw her hatred toward me.
“Leaving was hard. But I know that being here, having to act like nothing happened was harder.”
And that was the sum total of it. We were both broken, both sad and hurting. The only difference was, I went away. I drank and sulked and slept for days on end. But she didn’t get that luxury. She’d had to listen to people talk about me, listen to them say my name and smile through it like she still adored me. “You had to lie about us when we were together, and then you had to lie about us when we were apart. That wasn’t fair. And I’m sorry.”
Another useless I’m sorry.
Tears started to drip down her beautiful face and she rolled away from me, trying to hide them. “Go away, Beau.”
I went to the door, but instead of walking out, I took a deep breath and threw the lock in place. I’d left her here to deal with the fallout of me leaving, the fallout out of our breakup, of losing our baby.
This whole time I’d been gone, I’d convinced myself I had done what was best for her, that I was being selfless and hurting myself so she could heal. But I was home now and refused to let her suffer alone anymore. I kicked off my shoes and got in bed, pulling her body flush to mine.
