by L. P. Maxa
Home was Halen.
“You think you’ll be able to get enough over the next few days to pull together half a show?”
“I know I can.”
And my favorite muse was going to help me do it, whether she knew it or not.
***
The adult part of me said I should grab my camera and just take some images of the compound. The old tree house, the sunlight streaming through the oaks—easy stuff to create the setting. But the jealous dude in me, the one who couldn’t seem to leave Halen alone, said I should head to the ball fields. So that’s what I did.
Practice was over by the time I got there. Crue was chasing Avory around the bases, not being discrete at all. Cash was parked on the bleachers sitting with Halen and that fucker Benson who was wearing his practice uniform with a cowboy hat. I was instantly annoyed. Just what I needed—some sweet Southern rancher wooing my girl. Yeah, my girl.
“Hey, cuz, what are you doing here?” Cash’s tone was light, but his expression said what the actual fuck?
I held up my camera. “Aunt Lexi and I decided to add some new images to the show. I wanted to get shots of life at home.”
Cash raised one eyebrow. “This isn’t home. This is a high school ball field.”
“Yeah. Well.” I had nothing to say. And all I wanted to do was climb the steps and knock Benson off the back of his seat. So instead I ignored Cash, opened the gate and headed onto the green field. I took some shots of Crue and Avory. Shots I could never use because the ‘rents would cotton on to the fact that they were together.
There was a Riffraff Records sponsor’s board along the back fence. I shot that too. In reality, Cash was right, there was nothing here that spoke to my life at home. Nothing other than Halen and my insane need to win her over. I turned and looked at her through my lens, watching as she laughed at something Cash said. I snapped a continuous loop of shots of her.
“You trying to piss Hales off? Or win her back?” Crue walked past me, carrying Avory over his shoulder, smacking her butt lightly.
“Neither.” I followed them, taking some candid shots of Avory giggling. “Just getting some work in while the light is good.” I wanted to roll my eyes at myself. Middle of the day? Sun high in the sky? Actually, not great light. But luckily Crue didn’t know that.
When we got back to the bleachers, Halen avoided meeting my eyes and Cash got to his feet. “We’re going to go grab some lunch.”
“Great. I’m starving.” I smiled at him and he glared at me. He had every right to be pissed. I was being an asshole. I was crowding Halen. I was going against what she wanted and what she thought she needed. I was pushing her as well as the guy I’d asked to protect her. And the worst part was, I literally couldn’t stop. Holding her last night, seeing her break? It’d done something to me. More than anything I’d imagined in all the time I’d been away, her tears on my chest hurt my soul. I had to fix this.
“Hey Motley Crue, why don’t you and Avory take my bike and I’ll take your truck.”
“Hell yeah.” Crue practically skipped past me, tossing me his truck keys on the way.
“Hales, why don’t you ride with Benson?” Cash was speaking to Halen, but looking directly at me. Murder in his eyes.
Benson threw his arm around Halen, like they’d know each other for years, not hours. “Come on, sugar. We better follow Crue, make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid on that bike.” Halen let him lead her toward his giant, jacked-up, self-driving, clearly-overcompensating-for-something truck. There was nothing I could do to stop her. Calling out, begging her to ride with me? Not cool. Beating the shit out of Cash and Crue’s friend? Asshole move.
So here I was, driving toward one of the two restaurants in the small town outside of Austin where we lived. The same restaurant I’d taken Halen on more than one date.
“What the hell are you doing, Beau?”
I took a deep breath, a calming breath, so I didn’t go postal on my cousin. “I’m going to lunch with my family. And Benson.”
“Why are you following her? Why are you messing with her? What are you after? Fuck, man.” Cash threw his hands in the air. “I don’t get you. You bail and ask me to protect her. Then the moment you come home, you want her back? Can’t you see what you being here is doing to her? Can’t you see that it’s killing her to have to look at you, to hear your voice?”
“I’m just trying to mend what I broke.” That was the simplest answer I could give him. “I’m not trying to win her back, and I’m certainly not trying to hurt her.”
“You didn’t just break her, Beau. You shattered her.” He hung his head. “The best thing for Halen would be for you to stay away, to give her space and then leave the second the memorial is over.”
“You’re right.” I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white. “But that’s not going to happen.”
“Fuck, Beau, come—”
“Halen and I were best friends before we were anything else. We were inseparable, even before our first kiss. She means more to me than I could ever even try to put into words.” I pulled into a parking spot and watched as Benson helped her out of his truck. “We’re family. And this won’t be the last time that we’re all together. You want her to react this way every holiday? Every graduation? Every wedding? Every time I come home to see my parents?”
“No.”
“Then let me try and fix things between us. Please.” He deserved the please, he really did. After all, he’d taken are of Halen like I’d asked him to from the moment I’d left to the moment we were sitting here, arguing in his brother’s truck.
“If you make things worse, if you hurt—”
“I won’t. I promise you, the last thing I want to do is hurt Halen.” I glanced over in time to see him give me a slight nod of approval.
I knew he didn’t like it, but I also knew he wouldn’t go back on his word.
Cash was the best of us.
Chapter Fifteen
Halen
I liked Benson, but I didn’t want to date him. And sitting next to him at lunch, his arm slung around the back of my chair, felt a lot like leading him on. Which was making me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way I’d been hurt. I never wanted to be the cause of someone’s heartache. I should have never gone out to the ball field, should have never agreed to give him my number. I was acting out in survival mode, trying to do anything and everything I could to stay away from Beau.
Beau. The gorgeous guy sitting across the table who I could feel watching me. I’d always been able to tell when his eyes were on me; the heat they put off was palpable. So, I put a smile on my face and acted like a normal nineteen-year-old girl at lunch with a group of friends. I laughed when it was appropriate, I shot playful insults toward Cash and Crue, and I answered Benson when he talked to me.
“Hales, what are your plans tonight?” Crue was looking at me, a mischievous smile on his face.
“Well, uh, I have class tomorrow, so I’ll probably just spend the night reading.” I wasn’t lying. I did have class tomorrow, all day actually.
“We’re all headed to the movies. We thought maybe you and Benson would want to join us.” Avory was silently begging me to say yes. She knew that going out like that on a school night wouldn’t be something my parents readily agreed to. But if I went, they’d just be so damn happy that I was out of the house that they wouldn’t protest.
“Yeah. Crue has a date and some other guys from the team are coming too.” Cash was trying to sell me on it also, probably because he didn’t want me anywhere near Beau.
“Crue has a date?” Beau cocked his head to the side, studying Cash. “Really?”
Avory giggled nervously. “Yeah, Crue has a date. He always has a date.” I wasn’t sure she knew that we knew what the twins had been up to. I’d chewed Crue’s ass up one side and down the other yesterday when I’d found out about what he was asking his brother to do. Obviously, it hadn’t done any goo
d.
Crue sent Beau a pointed stare, letting his eyes flicker to Benson. With the way Crue and Avory had been acting at the baseball fields, I thought maybe Benson was in on the whole thing. But Crue was all but pleading with Beau to keep his mouth shut. Beau just rolled his eyes. “Whatever, man.”
“I, uh, I really do have some homework. And I have to be up pretty early for class.” I smiled kindly at Benson, trying to take the sting out of turning down an opportunity to spend more time with him. “Rain check?”
He nodded and used his thumb to rub my shoulder. “Of course.”
“How ‘bout you, Beau? You want to come to the movies?” Cash was smiling at Beau like they were BFFs, not like they were currently on opposite sides of a war zone. I loved my cousin. I loved what he was doing. He couldn’t stay home to keep me company; he had to go to the movies and slut it up in his twin’s place. But he was still trying to save me the possible heartache of seeing Beau, without one of my human buffers.
“Nope.” Beau just smiled right back.
***
When my window opened eight hours later, I wasn’t surprised. But I was irritated as all get out. “Go away, Beau.” I knew he’d use the time to his advantage. I’d thought about locking my window, but I figured I’d run the risk that he’d just go to the front door and my parents would let him in. At least this way, I could kick him out and they wouldn’t think I was acting strange.
“Just give me five minutes.” He was standing in my room, his dark jeans resting perfectly against his black retro Chucks, and his grey t-shirt looked soft. Like a shirt I would have stolen two years ago and made my favorite nightgown. His hair was messy, and his eyes were pleading.
“Three minutes.” I went back to reading the book on my desk. I couldn’t keep staring at him; he was too handsome. It hurt too much.
“Three minutes,” he agreed. I watched out the corner of my eye as he took a couple steps toward me. “But you’ve got to look at me, Hales. Please.”
I didn’t want to look at him. Looking at him tended to make me weak or pissed off, and I wasn’t confident that pissed off would win right now. But I knew he wouldn’t go away until I did. “Time starts now.”
He nodded. “I’m not trying to hurt you, or trying to get you back. I know that I messed up too big to ever hope for that. But, you’re my best friend, Halen, and—”
“I was your best friend. Now I’m just some girl you left crying in her bedroom.” I scoffed. “Not the last, I’m sure.”
He held up his hand, stopping me from saying anything else. “That’s not fair. I’ve already told you that there hasn’t been anyone else. And you said I had three minutes; time starts over if you keep interrupting me.”
I let out an exasperated sigh but waved my hand so that he would continue.
“We are going to be around each other for the rest of our lives. Graduations, weddings, births, deaths. All of it will bring us back into the same space. You can’t keep treating me like I’m some sort of monster, like I’m a stranger. We’ve been close our whole lives and you acting like you can’t stand to be around me is going to make people suspicious. Our parents will start to ask questions. They’ll find out everything that happened between us. And I know that’s the last thing that you want.”
He took another step closer and I barely resisted the urge to move to the other side of the room. He was dangerous; his touch was too familiar, his embrace too tempting. Last night had taught me that I was still weak when it came to him. “All I’m suggesting is that we try to get our friendship back. Try to let go of the hurt and the anger and the resentment.”
He was right, which sucked. Our families would always be close, and spending the rest of my life crying at the sight of him was going to eventually take its toll. Hell, it already had. I was emotionally exhausted and he was still going to be here for a few more days. “Okay, I agree. We need to try to be friends again, or civil at the very least.”
He let out a breath, like he’d been holding it in waiting for my reaction. “Will you come somewhere with me?”
“Really? Don’t you think that’s pushing it a bit?” I’d literally just agreed to try to stop scowling every time he walked into a room. Going on a moonlit walk seemed like too big a leap.
“Please, Hales.” He held his hand out to me. “I need your help with something. And that’s what friends do, right? Help each other?”
“I wouldn’t know. My best friend left me when I was—”
“Hales.”
The way he said my name, like he was just as tired as I was. Just as broken. It went straight to my hardened heart and thawed it just a smidge. I’d agreed to try. I wouldn’t go back on my word. I wasn’t him. I put my hand in his and let him pull me to my feet. “Where are we going?” He climbed out the window, and then helped me down. I pushed his hands away as soon as I touched the ground.
“I took this picture in New Orleans, it was of this homeless man and his dog leaning against a really famous cathedral.” We were walking side by side toward the strip of woods to the left of my house. “I wanted to get an image to oppose it.” He whistled and I heard the unmistakable sound of dog tags jingling.
Our families had always had dogs running around, and for all of us, the bigger the better. My parents were currently between dogs, still healing from losing our last one. But my Aunt B and Uncle Jacks currently had a giant Great Dane mix named Crest. Their dogs always had names that started with C.
I knelt down and scratched the big grey dog behind his ears. “Hey Crest, sweet boy.” I kissed his muzzle and then stood, wiping my hands on my yoga pants. “What do Crest and I have to do with homeless men in New Orleans?”
“Well. The show is all about juxtaposition. So I wanted to capture you and Crest, leaning against a tree.” He pointed to the large oak a few yards in front of me.
In return, I pointed at the messy bun on the top of my head. “I’m hardly picture ready, Beau.”
“You always look picture ready, Sweets.”
I gritted my teeth. “Don’t. Call. Me. Sweets.”
“You have to get used to it again. Our parents will expect it. I haven’t called you anything else since we were kids.”
“Yeah, well. People grow up and childish nicknames fall by the wayside.” I put my hands on my hips. “And if you want my help, my friendship, you’ll just nod your head in agreement and get on with it.”
His smile was tight, but he nodded. “Just sit down against the tree and then kind of let Crest lay in your lap.”
Doing what he asked was easy. Crest thought he was the size of a teacup Yorkie and never had any problems climbing into people’s laps. I laughed and hugged his thick neck. I could hear the shutter clicking on Beau’s camera, a sound that had once been so familiar to me. I did what I knew he’d want me to do. I didn’t look at him; I kept my attention on the dog in my lap. I petted him and talked to him. Then I got silent and leaned against the tree, looking toward the moon.
Chapter Sixteen
Beau
She looked so fucking beautiful sitting there in the moonlight. I longed to be next to her, to kiss her lips and hold her hand. And I knew it was something that I would crave for the rest of my life. Being around Halen was the best form of torture. I knew she wasn’t mine. I knew that she’d never be mine again. But fuck if I wouldn’t dream about it every second of every day. “That’s perfect, Hales.” I took a few more shots then let my camera hang. “Thank you.”
I stepped closer and reached a hand out, surprised when she actually let me help her to her feet. “No problem.” She folded her arms across her chest. “You need anything else?”
I wracked my brain trying to find something else to do, some other way to keep her out here with me. But I was already pushing my luck. This was a marathon, not a sprint. “I think I’m good for tonight.” I cleared my throat, almost afraid of my next words. “I was going to head to your mom’s studio tomorrow, go through some of my other pictures and try to com
e up with ideas to oppose them. Would you, uh, maybe want to help? You’ve always had a really great eye.”
I could see in her gaze that she started to say no. It was the first word that popped into her head when it came to me. But then she softened a little and shrugged. “I have class until four.”
“After that then? You could just meet me at the studio?” I was pleading, even I could hear it.
“Uh, yeah, sure.” She nodded but then stepped away, headed in the direction of her house.
“Wait, let me walk you home.”
She let out a soft laugh. “I can see my window from here, Beau. I think I can make it on my own.”
“I know. I just, uh—”
“Baby steps. Okay?” She met my gaze in the darkness. She looked scared, and almost injured.
“Good night, Hales.” I watched as she walked away, climbing into her window a few seconds later. She sent me a small wave as she pulled her curtains closed. Like a stalker, I stayed there, watching her shadow get ready for bed. Eventually she turned off the light and I went back to my house, Crest obediently by my side.
***
“Hey, Uncle Smith, what’s up?” I opened the front door wide, silently inviting him in. “My dad isn’t here; he had something to handle up at the office this morning.” It was early and I hadn’t even had my coffee yet. I’d spent more than half the night lying awake in bed, trying to figure out how I was going to get back into Halen’s good graces.
He smiled and headed straight for the kitchen, pulling a handful of cookies out of the cactus-shaped jar on the counter. “Yeah, I know. I came to talk to you.” He held up his hand. “And for the cookies.” Aunt Dilly was a health-food nut; she rarely had sweets around the house.
I was close with my Uncle Smith—I always had been. He was my bio father’s cousin and had grown up on the bayou. His father was the monster Jared had left me with when he went to prison. Smith and I talked a lot when I was little, when I’d first come to live at the compound. He’d helped me feel like less of a victim and more of a survivor. He never pitied me, never batted an eye when I’d tell him the awful things I remembered about life before they’d rescued me. “What’s going on?”
