I Take It Back

by Liza James

  The pulling at my heart was evident. I felt myself wanting to believe him. God how I wanted to believe that he actually cared and didn’t want anything to do with her. But I couldn’t let myself be that girl, the one who constantly turned a blind eye to someone treating her like shit. I tried to stay strong, stick the resolve I had made the second I realized what was happening outside.

  “Well you’re doing a damn good job pushing me away now. So good for you, you got what you wanted.” I turned away, reaching for my door when I was quickly pulled back and Cade’s strong arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly up against him. His front pressed firmly to my back.

  He dipped his head down, bringing his lips grazing across my ear, his intoxicating warm breath slid across my neck.

  “I don’t want to push you away. Not anymore. I can’t stay away from you, Bambi. There’s something about you, it’s magnetic.” A tear slipped from my eye and fell down my cheek when his thumb came up and slowly brushed it away.

  The electric fire buzzed through me at his touch, and I closed my eyes, trying to focus my scattered mind. “I can’t keep doing this with you,” I whispered, not trusting my full voice to remain as strong as I needed it to be.

  “I know, Bambi. So, let’s stop doing this.” His hand came up and he pulled my hair back, sliding it across my shoulders and draping all of it on the opposite side. “This back and forth thing, okay? I’ll stop fighting it. I just want you.” A shiver pulsed through my core and my breathing became shallow.

  “Fighting what, Cade? Why are you fighting anything?”

  “I couldn’t live with myself if you ever got hurt because of me. And that’s already happened once, at the fight in the warehouse. Because I was drunk and you had to step in. Those bruises? I couldn’t stop seeing them every time I closed my eyes. I might as well have done that to you myself. I let Devon fucking hurt you.” His voice was hoarse, thick and low as it left his mouth.

  I turned to look him in the eyes and was met with a stare that was clouded over, his bright blue eyes had been replaced with deep, frustrated ones. I hated that he thought he truly was the cause of that incident. He hadn’t chosen to throw me to the ground, he would never have done that. I knew for a fact he would never hurt me like that, but couldn’t he see that how he acted now hurt me just as much?

  “That wasn’t your fault, Cade. When are you going to accept that? Sure, Devon may have hurt me physically, which was out of your control. But what you do to me? Making me feel like you care one moment, and then seeing you with someone else the next? That’s so much worse. It feels like ... like I’m ripping apart, investing my heart into something then having it torn out like it meant absolutely nothing to you. And if that’s how you feel then fine, I get it. Let’s quit this now, but don’t play games, Cade. I’m done with this.” The tears had come back full force and were spilling down my cheeks uncontrollably. I hated crying in front of him but my emotions had run away from me and there was no reigning them in now. I had raised my voice slightly and was worried someone in the hall would hear, but in this moment, I almost didn’t care anymore. This conversation needed to happen.

  “Fuck, Bambi. You’re killing me.” His fingers had grasped my chin, angling my face up so that our eyes met and our mouths were aligned.

  I’m killing him?

  “Believe me, it’s the other way around.” My voice was low, barely audible and my shoulders were trembling.

  Cade’s thumb slid across the outline of my lower lip, causing my mouth to undoubtedly part under his touch. He leaned forward and my body betrayed me, feeling that exact magnetic pull between us that he had mentioned earlier.

  “Em? Uh, are you okay?” Savannah’s voice ripped through the tension and brought me spiraling back down to earth. Cade let out a low growl, loud enough for only me to feel it vibrate between us.

  The suspense of what had almost happened rippled through me and dissipated in one thick wave of disappointment.

  It’s better this way, I told myself, closing my eyes and focusing my thoughts.

  I stepped backward, pulling out of Cade’s arms and turned to face Savannah.

  “Y-Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry, did I wake you? Here, let’s go inside.” Looking over my shoulder, I glanced back at Cade, who was visibly tense after the conversation we just had.

  “Goodnight, Cade.” I forced myself to refuse acknowledging the way that those words felt so final.

  Chapter 32

  I awoke the next morning feeling sluggish and utterly exhausted from the last twenty-four hours. This whiplash of emotions had been tugging so violently at everything in me that I had to force back the immediate urge to throw something against the wall. I was sick of this, the constant pull and push. The secret hookups and the harsh rejections. Savannah had been hounding me once we walked back into our room as to what had happened, and I was too tired to hide it from her, so I spilled. I shared every detail, our hookup, what happened after, the confusion and then what I saw outside on the patio with Cade and that girl.

  Savannah had filled any awkward silence with countless strings of expletives, cursing out men all together, then women all together, until it finally just dwindled down to Cade and whoever the blondie was outside.

  I cried last night, finally giving into the emotional exhaustion that plagued me. I didn’t think I had any tears left in me for today. And for that I was thankful. I didn’t want to waste any more time or tears over him.

  I slept in rather late, waking up around twelve PM. Savannah had already been up and out of the room for a while when I heard her quietly open the door and slip back inside.

  I rolled toward her side of the room, strewn with clothes she hadn’t put away or outfits she had decided not to wear, and squinted at the sunlight that was beaming in.

  “Rise and shine, buttercup,” she said as she flopped herself back on the bed and twisted her head to look over at me.

  “Ugh,” I groaned, raking a hand through my hair and pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

  “I swear you’d think you were hungover if anyone didn’t know you.”

  “I feel hungover. Horribly horribly hungover.” My head was throbbing against my hands, feeling my pulse thrashing inside of my skull.

  Savannah stood up and walked into our bathroom, returning with a small plastic cup of water and two Advil tablets.

  “You know the drill.” She was right, I did. This was all too familiar of a scenario that we had been in countless times before. Back in the day, right after the accident.

  “This is some serious déjà vu.” I sat up, popping the pills in my mouth and dry swallowing, but chasing them down with the entire cup of water.

  “Hardy har har,” she said sarcastically before sitting down on the edge of my bed and twirling pieces of her hair around her fingers.

  “Are you still coming to the party tonight?” Hesitancy lingered in her voice. I could tell she considered not even asking me.

  “Yes, I am. I’m not letting whatever this thing is with Cade ruin my fun here this weekend, remember? We’re supposed to be living it up as you would so classily say.” I rolled my eyes as a small, light-hearted chuckle vibrated through my chest and god it felt so good. I needed to keep on this path, this light-hearted, no-overthinking, path. At least until we were back in our dorm at Grandview.

  I stood up, moving toward the window of our room that overlooked the ski slopes and the wide forested expanse outside.

  “It dumped snow last night. That’s at least eight inches, I bet everyone is loving the slopes today.”

  It hadn’t snowed this much when I came to bed last night. It had to have all fallen after Cade and I made our awkward departure after that incredibly tense conversation.

  His words rang through my mind, sending me back to relive those devastating moments when I had caught him with that other girl, her shirt pulled off her body, exposing her perfect perky breasts, tiny waist and porn star-style bra.

  Okay, m
aybe I was making up those details. But it had to have been something along those lines.

  Pulling my attention back to Savannah, I turned to face her. “Yeah, that’s crazy how much it snowed. You think we’ll be able to leave in the morning still, right?” The sudden fear that we may be stuck here another night shot through me. There was no way I could handle staying in this resort for a few more nights knowing Cade was here doing God knows what to God knows who.

  “Oh, hell no, we’ll be fine. My Focus may be tiny, but it’s a beast, Em. Don’t you worry.” A small smug grin pulled up at her lips as she patted my shoulder and turned away from the window, laughing quietly to herself.

  The rest of the day was a blur. I avoided Cade at all costs, and Savannah was entirely supportive of that initiative. We snuck downstairs for breakfast, meeting Jake and filling our plates with pancakes, bagels, bacon and sausage. But when Cade and Logan entered the room, Savannah gave Logan an apologetic look before grabbing my arm and pulling me back upstairs, Jake trailing along on my other side.

  Lunch had gone similarly, as well as dinner, except this time I told Savannah to go spend some time with Logan. The two had been practically eye fucking each other all day, and I needed a break from them as much as they needed a break with each other.

  Cade had attempted talking to me a couple of different times, but thankfully Savannah and Jake played the best wingmen and found any and every way to cut it short and shoo me out of the room.

  Nine PM quickly rolled around and everyone in the resort was bustling, getting ready for the big party that was taking place downstairs and outside on the patio. A few kegs had been brought in for the event, stationed at neutral locations on the floor level and outside. The elegance that had graced the banquet downstairs just last night was replaced with the familiar, stale smell of cheap beer and loud, chaotic noises of blasting music and rowdy college teenagers.

  Savannah and I were just finishing up getting ready when Jake waltzed into our room, without a knock or a care as to whether we were dressed yet or not.

  “Jake! We could have been naked, dude!” Savannah shouted from the bathroom.

  We weren’t naked, but the point still stood.

  “You really think I care if you two girls were naked? Not my cup of tea, sweet cheeks.” Jake sat back on the bed, scanning over the potential outfits we had laid out earlier.

  He had a point, too.

  Savannah rolled her eyes and I laughed as we finished our makeup and hair before emerging out of the bathroom.

  Sav had straightened her long, black hair and let it hang freely, just above her hips in one beautiful waterfall. Her red lips were both incredibly bold, and incredibly her. I always loved how confident she was.

  My hair was a little shorter, resting just below my shoulders in relaxed, beachy waves. I had done my makeup far more lightly, going for a natural, smokier look.

  Jake quickly picked our outfits, throwing Savannah a pair of high-waisted, dark jeans and a cropped, long-sleeved, black turtle neck. It sounds like a rather modest outfit choice, but the way those clothes clung to her every curve made Jake and I both look at her and say shit.

  “I am getting laid tonight. That’s for damn sure,” she said as turned back and forth in the full-length mirror of our room.

  “Hell yeah you are.” Jake and I both agreed and then he threw the clothes he wanted me to wear in my direction.

  Heading toward the bathroom, I hadn’t even glanced at what he had chosen for me. I pulled out what I thought was a deep, burgundy top, and realized it was actually a skin-tight body suit.

  This had to be Savannah’s.

  “Uh, Jake ... you grabbed from the wrong pile! Mine was—”

  “Oh, no I didn’t. I grabbed exactly what you need to wear tonight. So, hurry up and put it on, we have a party to get to.” Of course he knew. I sighed as I heard Savannah laughing outside the bathroom door.

  “Hurry up. I want to see!”

  Pulled the body suit over my head and slid my arms into the tight, long sleeves. I pulled it down and connected the clasps before looking up. A startled look settled on my face when I realized how actually good it really looked. The top was cut into a deep V, lined with a thin band of lace that highlighted the strappy lines of the black bralette I had chosen. Surprisingly, they worked really well together, and I found myself reveling in the slight confidence I had gained with such a simple top.

  When I went to slide on the fitted, black skinny jeans, I was pleasantly surprised to see they, too, were higher-waisted and held me tight in all the right places.

  Throwing on a pair of black leather ankle boots, I walked outside the bathroom and was greeted with excited whistles and hoots from my two best friends. A genuine smile spread across my face as I thought about what tonight may hold, once again being torn in half by the girl in me who wanted to see Cade, to watch him see me. And the other girl, the logical girl in me that was constantly telling me to let go and move on.

  That was the girl I should listen to.

  But damn it, that girl usually lost.

  Chapter 33

  We made our way downstairs and were immediately forced to start shouting if we wanted to communicate with each other at all. Instead, we determined that speaking through body language and gestures was actually far more successful. Jake took his hands and placed them in each of mine and Savannah’s while he pushed his way through the crowd, pulling us behind him until we reached a clearer area of the room.

  We were standing near the large, open windows that led to the patio when we decided to step outside and grab a few beers. The tall, lamp-like heaters did a perfect job of keeping the patio nice and warm, even when we were surrounded by feet of snow.

  Jake passed Sav and I both red solo cups filled with beer, and I looked over to see her intensely scanning the crowd, no doubt looking for Logan.

  “Do you see him?” I shouted over the loud voices and rock music playing overhead. I tried my best to sound genuinely enthusiastic for the possibility of finding Logan and most likely running into Cade. Once again, I had two different angels on either shoulder, one whispering all of the sexy, filthy things Cade had said to me before, and the other reminding me of his constant hot and cold nature.

  “No, not yet. But I’m sure he’s here. He didn’t say if Cade was with him though.” She eyed me warily, trying to gauge my reaction. I moved to take a sip of my beer but I ended up chugging the entire cup in that single moment and motioned to Jake for another one.

  “Slow down, party animal,” he said, letting out a heavy laugh as he handed me another.

  I remembered my thoughts from last night, thinking about why people drank away their problems. I also remembered how oddly enticing it sounded. Maybe that was what tonight would be good for, getting wasted and forgetting about all of my stupid problems.

  “Get it girlfriend, you’ve had a rough week,” Savannah said, throwing her arm around my shoulder and giving it a tight squeeze. She threw her head back, downing her beer and immediately went for her second. I looked over, a smile inching across my face as the two of us burst into laughter.

  Yep, it was going to be a wild night.

  We stayed on the patio for almost an hour when Logan finally found us, and Savannah greeted him with an excited, bounding hug, jumping up and wrapping her legs around his waist. She smacked a big, sloppy kiss on his cheek as he laughed and set her back down on the ground.

  “Drinking much, are we?” he joked, but there was no judgement in his voice.

  “You could say that, captain obvious.” I giggled, holding up my fourth beer and cheering with Savannah’s, spilling our drinks all over the ground.

  Someone walked by with thin tubes full of a clear liquor. Sav and I both stopped him and eagerly took one each as I struggled to remember how many shots I had already taken. I think this was our third?

  “Tequila makes her clothes come off!” Sav was singing and dancing on the patio, grabbing Logan’s arms and wrapping them
around her waist as she snuggled up against him. I could not stop laughing for the life of me and it honestly felt ... amazing.

  For once I was forgetting all about the disordered life I’d been living for the last twenty-four hours and was having actual fun. Cade would spark in my mind every now and then. I noticed how I hadn’t seen him yet tonight, and mindlessly wondered why that was ... worrying for a split second that maybe he was with someone else. But thankfully with each passing shot or beer, he was fading farther and farther into the back of mind.

  After standing outside for an hour or so, the four of us moved our way back inside the warm building. Instantly, Savannah grabbed mine and Logan’s hands and pulled us out to the dance floor. I quickly reached behind me and pulled Jake along with us, and we all let loose with every other drunk college student. I was truly relishing in the feeling that every care was suddenly not that important. I was buzzed—drunk, really—and the dizzying wave that washed over me wasn’t something that I disliked for once. I didn’t mind feeling out of control, in fact, that’s what I wanted most of all. To let go of the control I was constantly grasping at and letting slip through my fingers.

  Through the blissful, drunken haze I was in, I felt the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up as an invisible, ominous feeling slowly crept its way up my spine. I physically shook my shoulders, closing my eyes and trying to shake the feeling from my tensed back, but it wouldn’t budge. Opening my eyes, I scanned the crowd, looking behind me to see if someone had come up and I hadn’t realized it. We were all dancing in a crowded area, so I was bound to be pressed up against people I didn’t know, but this felt different. I briefly stopped dancing, willing myself to focus my eyes at my surroundings.

  In that moment I caught a face from across the room, staring straight forward through the crowd of intoxicated dancers and meeting my gaze directly. My hands had been up over my head, tangling in my hair as I danced freely to the music. But the second I realized Tyler had been watching me, I brought my hands down and immediately made my way back through the crowd, as far away from him as I could get. My heart started racing and I was stumbling as I tried to push through the heavy bodies surrounding me.