I Take It Back

by Liza James

  “Wow. He’s never told anyone, and I mean anyone, about his past. But I’m glad he told you. It just reaffirms to me that everything between you both was definitely not a lie. He would never have shared that with you if he didn’t care about you.” I stayed silent, hoping he would continue explaining anything that would give light to why Cade was acting like this.

  “It’s true, Cade would get into horrible fights with his dad. More often than not he’d show up to school with a black eye, or a swollen lip. He always lied to his teachers and to everyone around us, though. He would make up some stories about how he ran into a door jam, or he got into it with a neighbor kid. The school actually started an investigation on his family, but when you’re as rich as his family is? Money does a lot of talking.”

  “Are you kidding me? How is that even possible?” Savannah’s voice was hoarse and shaky when she finally spoke.

  “It’s terrible how often child abuse and domestic violence go unnoticed or ignored. Besides, his dad learned to hide it after the investigation started and ended. His parents knew how that would look to the other families in their community, knew the humiliation that would come with that kind of newsflash. However, they also wanted the perfect family, the perfect son and daughter, the perfect home. So, they made sure Cade was forced into being as perfect as possible. The worst part though was with his mom. She never stepped in to stop his dad, never voiced her concerns. I think that’s what hurt Cade the most. His dad at least showed emotion, he cared enough to be angry. His mom, though? She was like a blank slate. Not caring one way or the other. When he was beaten by his dad, he was abandoned by his mom.”

  With every word that left Logan’s mouth, my heart splintered apart a little more. Suddenly all the anger I had been feeling from last night completely dissipated and left me feeling an entirely new sense of sadness for Cade. What had been done to him by his own family was horrific and something that should have never happened. I couldn’t even imagine having parents like that, parents who didn’t care at all.

  While my mind traveled back to when I had finally shared with Cade how I had lost my parents, I realized we had both experienced something so life transforming when were younger. While we had both led completely different lives and struggled through different hardships, we also both lost our parents. His parents were technically still alive, but it didn’t matter. They were as gone and disconnected as mine were after they passed. The difference though?

  His were still coming back to haunt him.

  Chapter 49

  The next week slowly crept by. Individual days began blurring into vague periods of classes, food, showcase rehearsals and back through again. At first, I waited for some sort of text message or a call from Cade explaining why he’d said what he did. I never received either though, and even Logan stopped hearing from him when he’d reach out.

  Jake and I perfected our pieces for the showcase and began meeting nightly to do at least one run-through as we neared the performance. The entire school was hyping up for Christmas break and the upcoming festivities. Several of the sororities and fraternities were having New Year’s parties or charity events, so everyone was staying busy keeping to themselves.

  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t scan crowded rooms for Cade whenever I was walking in between classes across campus. But the few times I saw him, he was headed the opposite way so quickly that I could only assume he was avoiding me. Every time I picked up my phone with the intent to call him, I couldn’t go through with it. After everything he said and how deliberately he was ignoring me, I knew deep down that it was a waste of time.

  I also didn’t see much of Tyler around campus anymore. When I did see him, he was always with that short brunette, Emily, who was consuming his current infatuation. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders at that revelation. They looked happy together and, while I was glad I didn’t have to worry about his attention on me, I did hope that she was genuinely safe in that relationship.

  A light dusting of snow had begun to fall as I quickly hurried through the bitter cold and back toward my dorm room. It was already five PM when I finished my Economics study session and I knew I still needed to pack for our trip home tomorrow. Jake was still coming back with us, spending Christmas with myself, Savannah and our family. We were only spending one night, however, and coming back the day after so that we could finalize rehearsals before the showcase. The performance was set for the first week of January.

  Wrapping my scarf snuggly around my neck, I reached down and pulled my coat even tighter around myself. The wind wasn’t usually an issue here, but today the breeze was just strong enough to have my teeth chattering as I walked.

  I rounded the corner of the café when I stopped suddenly and took a quick step back, shielding my view with the edge of the building. Leaning around, I looked again at who I thought I had mistaken for someone else.

  But I hadn’t.

  I was, in fact, seeing Cade stepping away from Emily as she reached out and grabbed his elbow, pulling him back toward her. She was desperate, her face and mouth moving in a way that felt like she was saying something important or begging for something from him. But his body language was completely closed off. His shoulders were hunched forward, his face contorting with lines of frustration and anger.

  He shook her hand free of his arm and continued stepping backward when he glanced up just in time to meet my eyes as I watched. I wanted to step forward, to show myself and say all of the million different things running through my head. I was angry and at a loss. I felt betrayed and confused, but most of all I was hurt. I still relived those few sentences he’d said every night as I tried to fall asleep. But he didn’t even flinch at the sight of me, no emotion reading on his face whatsoever. No matter how much I still hadn’t gotten over him, he had seemingly let go and moved on over the short span of a week.

  He turned on his heel and headed away from the both of us. I continued to watch as she wrapped her arounds around herself, rubbing up and down to create a friction of warmth. As the snow flurried around her shoulders, she turned her head and looked back at me, almost as if she knew I had been there the entire time. The smallest smile came across her face but didn’t reach her dark eyes. She wriggled her fingers in a little wave just as she looked away and followed in the direction of Cade.

  Shaking off the goose bumps that had popped up all over my skin, I hurried off to my dorm. I stepped inside the warm, heated air of the building and removed my scarf and jacket as I made my way to the door where Savannah and Jake would be waiting for me.

  Just as I suspected, Jake was seated on the couch, flipping through the channels on our small television while Savannah sat on the floor and finished painting her toenails a bright, fire engine red.

  “Em, get over here and tell me what you think of this color. Originally, I thought it was perfect for the Christmas theme and would match whichever sparkly dress I wear for the New Year’s party. But now that it’s on? I’m feeling like it screams ‘Wam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am.’” Savannah sighed and held up one hand, twisting it back and forth as she inspected the color.

  “Wait, you’re still going to the New Year’s party?” I laid my coat and scarf across our kitchen counter before walking over to join Jake on the couch. Glancing over at her nails, I did have to agree that they were a little loud, even for Sav.

  “Of course we are. Don’t think for one second that we’re bailing just because Cade decided to be an asshole. Show up, show him what he screwed up, get drunk. Check, check aaaaand check.” She flicked a clear coat of polish on each fingernail to the rhythms of her checks.

  “Hell yeah. Plus, I already got my tux like six weeks ago. I’m not wasting that beauty. We’ve got plenty of fish in the sea, sweetheart.” Jake paused the channel on the newest episode of Keeping Up with The Kardashians.

  “Yes! I haven’t seen this episode yet.” Sav cozied up on the couch on the other side of Jake, blowing on her hands in intervals.

  “No wa
y. I’m not going. The last thing I want to do is see Cade, let alone be in a position where I actually have to talk with him. You all go and have fun. I’ll DD your drunk asses home.”

  “Fuck no—”

  “Not happening—”

  Both of them argued at the same time, sharply turning their heads towards me.

  “You’re telling me you’d rather sit at home by yourself and wait for us to call you for a pick up, probably eating Cheetos and crying over a binge marathon of A Star Is Born for the millionth time? Or would you rather dress the hell up, look better than you ever have before, show up to where you know Cade’s going to be, and blow his damn mind? You’ll probably have fifty guys hitting on you in front of Cade, remember? How is this not a win-win-win sitch?”

  “Seriously, I second every single thing Savannah just said. You’re going. No choice. Sorry, not sorry.” Jake and Sav turned back to the television before even waiting for any kind of response from me. They weren’t going to take it. I was going and that was final.

  Dropping my head back against the couch and staring up at the ceiling, I tried to imagine just how winning I was going to be feeling the night of the party.

  But I couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine any scenario where this was going to be a good idea.

  Chapter 50

  Christmas flew by in a frenzy. Logan ended up meeting us there as well, making Ruth and Dan’s day even better by spending more time with Savannah’s boyfriend. Ruth vaguely asked about Cade, trying to be sensitive to a topic that we were all intentionally trying to avoid. Everyone spouted off more vague answers and that basically shut down any further talk about him.

  After we spent a full day stuffing our faces with the absolute best holiday food, we called it a night and got our bags ready to head back to campus the next morning. The entire drive back was spent either rehearsing showcase lines, talking about the new season of Making a Murderer and how Kathleen Zellner is the ultimate badass, or belting out our favorite songs from Burlesque.

  Realizing the prime opportunity they had to force me shopping, Jake and Sav conspired to stop at the mall on the way home. As they literally pulled me from the vehicle, I laughed a bit at their efforts.

  “You both are clinically insane. You know that, right? You have to know that.” I stumbled a bit as they yanked me toward the mall doors but caught myself before completely face planting in public, thank God.

  “Eh, that’s debatable. I’ve talked to plenty of clinically insane people this last semester and I’d say we’re definitely on the lower end of the spectrum.” The three of us all burst out laughing together, remembering Savannah’s time spent at the prison for her classes.

  “Okay okay. Come on, ladies. Let’s go find you both the hottest dresses for that damn party.” The three of us linked arms on either side of Jake and headed inside the huge building.

  We quickly browsed through three boutiques, finding several cute dresses but nothing that shouted perfection. At the fourth shop, Nordstrom, Savannah finally had her ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ moment when she spotted a bodycon, above the knee, full-on sparkle, black dress. To say she looked killer in it would be an understatement. Thankfully, she had told Logan he wasn’t allowed to come shopping with us so that he could be surprised on the night of the party with what she wore.

  “Damn, my nails look fierce with this dress. Seriously, that was an awesome color pick, right?” Sav continued, turning back and forth in front of the mirror, placing her hands at different levels on her body to create different poses.

  Laughing, Jake and I both agreed that the nails and dress complimented each other perfectly.

  After leaving Nordstrom and, just when I felt like I was never going to find my ideal dress, we decided to peek inside a small boutique on the way out.

  At first glance, I didn’t feel like anything really called out to me. Everything was beautiful, but nothing was either fancy enough for the party or in the size I needed.

  “Wait, check this one out, Em. This is like a magical unicorn.”

  And low and behold, Jake was right. As he pulled the floor length, silk, burgundy dress from the rack, my heart did a double flip in my chest and had me reaching for it in an instant.

  “Oh God, this is stunning,” I heard myself murmur as I slid my fingers across the fabric.

  “Emma. Go try it on right now. Like right this second! It’s going to be perfect!” Savannah’s voice rose five notches in excitement, and I couldn’t help but feel that response along with her.

  After asking a clerk for a dressing room, I quickly went inside and undressed. I stepped into the dress from the top, pulling the cool, smooth fabric over my body and zipping it on the side. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for some view that was going to be disappointing. As gorgeous as this dress was on the rack, I didn’t think it would translate that well on my body.

  But I was so incredibly wrong. Scanning over myself in the mirror, the neck line came to the perfect deep plunge in the center of my chest. The thinner straps across my shoulders dropped in the back to give a full, open view, and while it fit snuggly around my waist and held my chest in place perfectly, it flowed out and draped in elegant, refined lengths and pooled around my feet on the floor.

  “Hurry up in there! We’re dying to see how amazing you look!” I heard Savannah shout from behind. I turned and walked out of the dressing room, catching the shocked faces on both Savannah and Jake as soon as they saw me.

  “Hell. Yes.”

  “Dead. I’m dead. I have died and am now seeing the gorgeous angel of sexiest woman to ever walk the planet. And I’m gay. So that’s really saying something.”

  A huge smile spread across my face as my cheeks flushed bright red.

  “You think? I actually kind of love it.” I turned in the mirror, letting the dress sway back and forth when I noticed the slit that came up almost to the very top of my thigh.

  “Damn. Cade’s going to blow a load when he sees you. And that’s literally the best situation we could possibly ask for.” Savannah was jumping up and down in front of me, clapping her hands and flashing a grin only a very best friend could offer.

  “Alright, alright. Let’s do the damn thing.”

  Famous last words, right?

  Chapter 51

  The night of the party came way quicker than I anticipated. But that’s usually how these things work, isn’t it? The moments you’re anxiously awaiting, almost dreading, seem to come the quickest. Savannah and I both had our hair and make-up professionally done, choosing to take the entire day to pamper ourselves in anticipation for the evening. Logan and Jake were both meeting us at the dorm at seven tonight so that we could grab dinner and be to the party by 8:30. We had all decided to go as a group, but in reality, Jake was my volunteered date for the event.

  As the evening approached and we began getting dressed in our rooms, I felt the tiniest inkling of excitement for tonight. But only the tiniest. Even though there were parts—very important parts—of the evening I wasn’t looking forward to, I was actually looking forward to getting dressed up and having a much-needed night out with friends, drinks and dare I say fun?

  Tonight, my dark hair was pulled off to one side in a big, loose, fishtail braid that fell down below my chest. It was the perfect mix of keeping my hair down, but still exposing the open back of my dress. Savannah’s hair was tied up in countless different twists on top of her head that let a few little pieces weave and curl down around her face in a perfect frame.

  The guys arrived right on time, showing up in their respective tux’s. Logan’s was a traditional black and white but sported a bright red bowtie, matching Sav’s dress and nails to a T. Jake’s—obviously designer—suit was perfectly tailored to fit his body and also showcased a bowtie that matched my dress’s burgundy color exactly.

  The four of us headed out to dinner in Logan’s jeep, taking our time and avoiding any conversation about Cade or the possibility of seeing him tonight. We were completely enjoying ou
rselves, reveling in the company of good friends and delicious food. It was in these moments that I found my thoughts drifting off to places of my parents. I thought of what they would think about me now, how I was doing with college and life in general. Would they be proud of me? God, if only I could talk to my mom about everything that had happened over the last few years. I tried to imagine what advice she would have for me, but that was almost the hardest part. How did I actually know what she would say? I was so young when they were killed in the accident. We fought so often before they were gone that I couldn’t even remember all of the important things she had told me before she died.

  What would they think about my acting? Would they be proud? Or would they want me to find a more stable, secure job in another field? I’d like to think that they would be happy with whatever I chose as long as I was happy. In fact, I know ultimately they would be. But it still killed me inside when I dwelled on the fact that I would never know for sure. I’d never know their exact words of wisdom or encouragement.

  “Em, did you hear me?” Savannah was leaning into my shoulder, talking quietly into my ear.

  “What? I’m sorry, I spaced out,” I said, shaking my head and picking up my napkin to dab my mouth without smudging my lipstick.

  “Are you ready to go? To the party, I mean?”

  At that moment I realized Logan and Jake were both watching me intently, awaiting my response in a careful, compassionate way.

  “Yes, of course we can go. I’m ready you guys, don’t worry.” I laid my napkin back down and stood up just as the waitress came by and dropped off all of our checks. The boys paid quickly and we were out the door and back on the road to the Theta Chi House.

  As we pulled up, I was impressed to see the house had a valet service in use tonight. The man shook Logan’s hand as we all stepped out and took his keys, passing him a small note of paper so he could retrieve his jeep at the end of the night.