Fighting Fate

by Barbara Speak

  I don't know why but something forced me to pull my cell out and look at it. By far the worst mistake I could have made at the moment. It was ten-thirty in the morning and I had seventeen missed calls. The last text that came in appeared on my home screen and was from Mike.

  Mike: WE NEED TO TALK

  I threw it against the wall and watched it shatter into pieces as it fell to the street. I had nothing to say to him ever again.

  The attempt to stand had me gripping onto the brick, feeling the skin tear on my fingers but that was no match to the pain that ripped through me between my legs. It felt as if a sword was being forced inside of me.

  I pushed off the wall and walked in a haze toward the commotion of the street with no plan intact. I had no idea where I was or what I was going to do but I couldn't bear staying in the very spot I was left.

  As I rounded the corner I slammed into a body and felt strong arms wrap around me to help me catch my balance. Nothing has ever felt so wrong in my life.

  "LET ME GO! DON'T TOUCH ME! LET ME GO!"

  He didn't listen.

  "Ma’am are you... Holy shit! Somebody help!"

  He had taken one look at me and that was all it took. Why he wanted to scream and make even more people stare will be something I never understand.

  I thrashed and hit, anything to break free from his hold and I finally won out. When I felt the slightest release I took advantage of it and ran as fast as I could, barreling through the madness of people all gawking at me.

  I saw the front entrance of the Grand and prayed I could get past it without seeing him. I almost contemplated turning around when I heard, "Marissa?"

  I stopped dead in my tracks, paralyzed by the voice that spoke.

  "Oh my God! Oh my God, it is you!"

  Gabriel stood before me as my hands immediately wrapped around myself protecting me the only way I could from his touch.

  I couldn't look at him. The thought of the way his eyes would form shape had me wishing for death.

  "I'm not going to touch you, sweetheart. It's okay. I'm here and we are going to get you some help."

  I never looked up when I said, "Get me out of here."

  I started walking again. I couldn't take the chance that Keith would be walking out of the hotel at any time. I started to shake again and picked up my pace.

  Gabriel caught up to me and said, "We need to get you to the hospital. My car's just over here, can I hold you or would you rather me not?"

  "Please, I just want to leave."

  "Follow me."

  He walked slightly ahead of me, leading me to the parking garage attached to the side of the hotel. His car was waiting for him with a valet holding his keys in the air for him to take. Gabriel opened the passenger door for me, letting me get in before he walked around to get in himself.

  My arms stayed across my chest and my head hung low as I refused to look in the side mirror at myself. The car started and we pulled out onto the street before he said a word. I welcomed the silence but it didn't last.

  "What happened, Marissa? Please talk to me."

  I said nothing and he didn't push, for a while.

  "I don't even know where I am supposed to go! Everything in me wants to take you to the hospital, the cops, I know that's not what you want but FUCK! Who did this?"

  "Train station."

  His head snapped in my direction.

  "What?"

  "Take me to the train station."

  "Why? Where are you going? I can't just drop you off there. You have to get help. The fucking guy who did this deserves to die, Marissa! Let me help you, please, I'm begging you."

  His hand naturally fell to rub my leg and I reacted by throwing my body against the car door.

  "I'm sorry, so so sorry, honey. I wasn't thinking."

  I knew he wanted to help me but there was nothing that I could do to go back in time. To make different choices and be the person that I once was again.

  He slammed his hand against the steering wheel four times and then threw his body back against his seat.

  "I don't know what to do!"

  HE didn't know what to do? Nothing in me felt pity for him like I should. He had a life to go back to; mine was over.

  "Just take me to the God DAMN train station!"

  Thirty-five minutes later we were pulling into the station. I didn't wait for him to even come to a complete stop before my door was open and I was climbing out. I heard the engine cut off and then his door close. I didn't need him to stay. If anything I wanted him to leave me alone and not try to say goodbye. If I had to thank him, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself together any longer. "Marissa, wait! Where are you going to go? Will you please just tell me at least that? I can’t just leave you here!"

  I stopped walking and waited for him to catch up to me. Looking him in the eye for the first time I said, "I need you to let me go, Gabriel. I'm not yours to take care of." I didn't give him the chance to respond. I simply put my hand up to stop him and then I walked away.

  He didn't come after me which was the first thing I was grateful for. Walking up to the ticket booth I reached for my wallet to pull out my credit card and grabbed Mike's room key instead. I stood there looking at it when I was interrupted by the clerk.

  "Ma’am"

  When I brought my head up, I heard her gasp before she spoke again.

  "Where are you trying to get to?"

  "I... um... can I get to New York from here?"

  I hadn't known until that second but Zoey was all that I needed.

  "You sure can."

  She went back to typing into the computer and then pulled a piece of paper out of the printing machine. Sliding it across to me she sat forward, pressing herself against the counter to get as close as she could before she said, "This one's on me."

  I was shocked to say the least. Why would she do that? I appreciated the offer but couldn't except it.

  "Thank you but I can pay for this."

  "I think you have paid enough."

  She placed the ticket in my hand and then turned her back to me, cutting my refusal off before it began.

  I stood there staring at the lifeline I was holding that a complete stranger was willing to provide. My faith in humanity was slightly restored.

  Raising it in the air I simply said, "Thank you" and then walked away.

  I looked down at the ticket and realized my train didn't leave until nine o'clock p.m. It was a little before noon giving me nine more hours to sit there and think, the last thing I wanted to do. Instead I chose to find the farthest back corner, lay across several seats and went to sleep.

  Several hours later, I woke. Having avoided the bathroom and seeing myself as long as I possibly could, I no longer had a choice in the matter. My bladder was ready to burst when I entered. It was empty thank the Lord above, allowing me to take my time. After going pee I walked over to the door and locked it, returned to the sink and turned it on. I loaded my hand with soap, grabbed the rough paper towels and began scrubbing my body relentlessly. Every crevice was cleaned to the point my coloring was bright red. I still didn't feel like he was off of me. I continued to grab more towels and scrub until I was screaming at the top of my lungs from the pain.

  A pounding on the door pulled me from what had become my mission.

  "Are you okay in there?"

  The handle wiggled back and forth and I knew I had to open the door. I pulled my clothes up and glanced in the mirror without thinking, taking in for the first time what he had done to me. There was no passing it over. My face looked like he used it for a punching bag. Where I had thought he had only hit me once I now knew differently.

  "BAM BAM" The handle jiggled again. "Are you okay or should I call the police? Please answer me?"

  I walked over and unlocked the door, opening it up to the woman who gave me the ticket. She burst through the door without giving me a chance, looking around for something.

  "Is he in here?"

  Opening up
each stall door by kicking it I interrupted her. "I was cleaning myself off."

  She turned to me and her face fell.

  "Do you need more time? I can put an out of order sign on the door. You take as much time as you need."

  "I'm done. Thank you."

  There was no washing away what had happened.

  Boarding the train, I was asked if I needed help with my bags; I had none.

  All I owned anymore were the clothes I had on my back and the little money I had saved up in my account. Everything else was gone.

  Sitting in the seat next to the window, I pressed my head against the cold glass and hoped a miracle would happen. Something, anything to get me back to the day before. So many things could have been done differently but nothing was in my control. The train began to move and I willed my thoughts to stop.

  Chapter 23

  Sixteen hours later I was in New York City and pulling up to Zoey's apartment. To say that the time went by fast would be the worst lie I've told. I counted every hour as it passed, bringing me closer to this moment. I didn't want to explain to Zoey what happened but I had no one else to go to other than my parents who would force me to turn him in. It's not that I didn't want the son-of-a-bitch to burn in hell, but reliving it over and over again would be living in my own version of hell. Especially when the media got ahold of it.

  "You going to get out or just stare at the place?"

  Snapping out of my thoughts I realized I couldn't stay in the cab forever. I handed the driver his money, opened the door and stepped out.

  Looking around, I imagined what life would be like if I had just retested for the score I needed to be accepted here in the first place. Had I never met Mike, I would have had no reason to settle for Illinois and this would be my home.

  All of a sudden I regretted coming here. This could have been my life but it wasn't. I turned around, ready to jump back in the cab just as it drove away.

  "Shit!"

  I looked up at the building again and forced one foot to follow the other as I walked to the entrance and opened the door. Her place was on the sixteenth floor but I chose to take the steps instead. Just looking at the elevator made me want to vomit.

  I was sure Chris would want to kill me for taking those stairs but seeing him was never going to happen again so I let that thought go too.

  By the time I reached Zoey's door I was ready to fall into her arms and never let go. I knocked on the door and started shifting my weight from side to side on the balls of my feet, more anxious than ever to see her.

  After several knocks I accepted that she wasn't there. Monday afternoon at four was when she was usually calling me from home which left me with no idea where she could be and without a phone, I had no way to contact her.

  I sat down against the wall and closed my eyes, wishing again that life didn't have to be so hard on me. What did I do to deserve this?

  I heard the rattle of a door knob, causing me to look up as a man walked out of his apartment across the hall. I brought my legs to my chest again and started to shake. The last time this happened I lost everything.

  "What the hell!"

  He immediately shot across the space between us and was crouched down next to me before I could blink.

  "Are you okay? Who did this to you?"

  He wasn't really asking me. He already had his phone in hand and was dialing something when I grabbed it.

  "Don't."

  He looked down at the phone again and then up at me.

  "Why wouldn't you want help?"

  "I came to see Zoey. Do you know where I can find her?"

  "She left about a half hour ago for coffee. Let me at least call her for you. What was your name?"

  "Marissa."

  He didn't say anything else before he was taking the phone back, dialing another number, this one I knew by heart and then put the phone up to his ear.

  "Zoey, how close are you?"

  "Because there is a girl named Marissa here...

  "Hello?

  "Hello?”

  He turned the phone off and then said, "She must be on her way back."

  "Thank you."

  "Can I just sit with you until she gets here?"

  "There's no need."

  "I would have to disagree with that completely."

  We sat in quiet for a few seconds before he said, "I'm Adon, by the way."

  What should I say, it's nice to meet you? The last thing I wanted to do was carry on a conversation.

  The hall started to get smaller and smaller as my anxiety took hold of me. My breathing became shallow making me want to run as far away from him and this situation as I could.

  Saved by the elevator, Zoey came crashing down the hall.

  "Where have you been and..."

  She got one look at me and stopped. We stared at each other for a few seconds before a single tear fell down her face.

  She never said anything else. Her hands went straight into her purse as she shuffled around for her keys. Once she found the one she was looking for, she tried like hell to push it into the keyhole but her hands were shaking too badly to accomplish it.

  "Let me get that for you."

  Adon took the key from her and opened the door without a problem. Zoey waited for me to walk in before she turned, thanked him and then slammed the door in his face.

  I walked over to her couch, sat down and in seconds I was in her arms, the very place I needed to be for what felt like years.

  We both cried, not saying a word. My body shook as I let out all that I had held in. Hers did the same. I guess with me always being the strong one between the two of us, this was enough to break her too.

  Eventually, she pulled back and placed both her hands on my face.

  "Tell me he didn't do this to you?"

  "He didn't."

  "Thank God! Whoever did will get killed once Mike finds out about this."

  My body went stiff. He could never know.

  "You do know they are all looking for you? Why haven't you been answering your phone? How did you get here and when did you get the shit beat out of you?"

  "I can't talk about it."

  "You have to. I have been worried sick as well as everyone else. Bryan called me yesterday morning wondering if I had heard from you."

  "You can't tell them I'm here, please!"

  "Who are you hiding from, Mar, no one is going to come here?"

  "He cheated on me."

  "He WHAT?"

  "I saw him. He was passed out naked in bed and the girl he was with answered the fucking door."

  "So, did she hit you?"

  "No. That came later."

  "Who hit you?"

  "I don't want to talk about it."

  "All right, I'm not going to force you. Do you want to take a shower?"

  "That is the best idea ever."

  "Go ahead, I will order a pizza and we can just camp out here tonight."

  "Thank you."

  "You don't have to thank me. I love you. I'm just glad you're safe."

  She got up and went to the kitchen while I walked back into the hall and grabbed a towel before heading to the bathroom. Once the door was closed I looked in the mirror again.

  "I will never feel safe again."

  The shower couldn't be hot enough or long enough. My skin was on fire and I still scrubbed harder. Taking off my blood stained underwear only solidified the fact I was no longer a virgin and I took that fact out on my body.

  When the water ran cold I tortured myself until I couldn't take it any longer.

  As I turned off the water I could have sworn I heard Zoey talking to someone. That made things even more awkward since I had nothing to change into. Looking down at the floor I stared at my clothes but refused to put them back on. The only thing I wanted to do with those clothes was watch them burn to dust.

  "She got the shit kicked out of her, Bryan!"

  "What do you expect her to do, jump on a plane and come to California?
>
  "No, I have no idea how she got here, I already told you all this!

  "Listen, leave her alone and let me be what she needs. She came to me for a reason.

  "I told her I wouldn't tell anyone she was here! The only reason I am breaking that promise is because you're like family and you deserve to know she's okay. Don't tell anyone else!"

  I couldn't blame her for saying something, even if all I wanted was to hide from the world. I waited for her to hang up with my brother before I came out of the bathroom, not wanting her to know I heard and feel guilty.

  "Hey, can I borrow something to wear?"

  Her head snapped toward me and the phone in her hand went behind her back.

  "Sure. Let me show you where and you can help yourself."

  I followed her to her bedroom and sat down on the bed as she pointed out everything from underwear to her favorite dresses.

  "I think I got it."

  "Okay. Well, are you hungry yet? I could order the pizza now."

  My stomach growled at the idea of food.

  "That works for me."

  She just smiled and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

  I grabbed some underwear and pajamas, put them on and climbed in her bed pulling the covers over my head.

  I felt bad not calling Blythe and letting her know I was here but what reason could I give her? If I told her about Mike she would expect me to get over it like she did with Hudson. No one would understand without me telling them the truth and to be honest with you, I didn't want to face it myself.

  I closed my eyes and fell asleep before I even realized I was tired.

  ***

  "GET OUT!"

  "Don't do this, please. I don't know what's going on but I have been out of my fucking mind worrying about her."

  "You have only been worrying about yourself, you flaming durf!"

  "What the hell does that even mean? You have no idea who I am or what she means to me! Let me see her, I know she's here!"

  "I said GET OUT!"

  I looked at the clock and it was five-thirty in the morning. My body shot up as my feet swung to hit the floor. Was he really here?

  Walking around the corner, he came in to view before anything else. I was so angry with myself for the pull my body instantly felt for him.