Fighting Fate

by Barbara Speak

  Chapter 25

  He was here. I couldn't believe my eyes. I knew I was drunk so there had to be something going on in my brain, conjuring up a fantasy before me of what I couldn't have. It had only been a few hours since I heard his voice and needed to escape it, yet he was standing in front of me, more pissed than I have ever seen him.

  "Are you drunk?"

  Well, that wasn't what I hoped he would say but then again, I knew he deserved to move on so why would any part of me want him to say something else?

  "Yep, what are you doing here?"

  "I just need to know if it's true and then I will be gone."

  I had walked past him and was in the process of opening the door when what he said hit me. My hands began to shake as I turned the knob and entered Zoey's apartment. She wouldn't have left the door unlocked so she had to be there.

  "Zoey?"

  I called out but he cut me off before I could do it again.

  "She's not here. I have been waiting in the hall for over a half hour."

  "What do you want, Mike?"

  I walked over to the couch and was about to sit down when I felt his hand take hold of my arm and spin me around.

  "Is it fucking true, Daisy? Don't play stupid with me either, you know what I am asking you."

  "I have no idea what you're talking about! So, if you want to play mind games, go back home."

  He looked like he was ready to either slap me or cry, neither had I ever seen before.

  "Did you fuck Reynolds or not?"

  "Do WHAT?"

  "YOU HEARD ME!"

  "DON'T SCREAM AT ME!"

  "ARE YOU SERIOUS? JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!"

  "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS!"

  "REALLY? BECAUSE KEITH HAD NO PROBLEM SENDING ME PICTURES OF YOU NAKED!"

  He may not have slapped me but it felt like it. Everything in me wanted to die in that moment.

  "Your lack of response says it all."

  He turned for the door. I wish I could tell you why I let out the one word I swore I would keep a secret forever, but the only thing I can say is rage took over. How could he possibly think that I wanted it to happen? I have always wanted it to be him, even now I wish it could have been.

  "HE RAPED ME YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!"

  He stopped dead in his tracks but never turned to face me.

  I ran and once I was close enough, I started beating on him like it was his fault. My hands were flying through the air, punching him over and over as I screamed at the top of my lungs, while he stood there until all my energy was spent.

  He turned to face me and I saw that he was expressionless. I waited, hoping for him to change. Even pity was better than nothing and when I didn't get as much as that, I flipped out.

  "GET OUT! GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK!"

  He didn't move.

  "GET OOOUUTTTTTT!"

  "What's going on in here?"

  Zoey barged through the door with Adon right behind her.

  "HE WON'T LEAVE!"

  "Marissa, calm down."

  "WHAT? NO! I WANT HIM GONE!"

  "You two need to talk."

  "ARE YOU INSANE? NO! I DON'T NEED TO TALK TO ANYONE!" I looked him straight in the eye. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"

  I stood up and ran past all of them when Adon grabbed my hand, pulled me to a stop and then turned back to Mike.

  "I mean no disrespect, man, but this is her place. She shouldn't have to go anywhere. I think you should leave like she asked."

  Mike looked from me to Adon and then back to me, before he walked past all of us and out of my life again.

  Once he was gone I went crashing to the floor, openly sobbing and screaming asking, “God, why?”

  Adon left and closed the door behind him while Zoey came to sit with me, wrapping me in her arms and rocking back and forth. She let me cry until there were no more tears to shed before she said, "I'm glad you're okay."

  Was she on drugs? How could she think I was anything near okay?

  "How can you say that?"

  "Because you're finally getting it all out. You haven't accepted any of this until now. It's like denying it was what let you cope, but you weren't. You were falling deeper and deeper into depression and I hated it."

  "I told him."

  She stopped rocking us and went still.

  "What did he say?"

  "He came here convinced I willingly had sex with..."

  "With that Keith guy? How did he even know anything about that?"

  "Because apparently, Keith is Keith Reynolds."

  "Reynolds. Reynolds. Why does that name... Shut up! The guy Mike is set to fight again?"

  I didn't need to answer her.

  "Holy shit!"

  What was there to say? She about summed it up. We sat there a little longer before she said, "Don’t hate me for asking but I still don't get it. How did Mike find out?"

  "He sent him pictures of me from that night."

  Zoey shot up from the floor.

  "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

  One look from me and she knew there was no joking around about this.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that literally. That's just so messed up!"

  "I wonder how many other people he has shown."

  "I doubt any. He wanted to rattle Mike and he did it the best way he could.

  “What did Mike say?"

  "Nothing."

  "Nothing? How could he have nothing to say?"

  "What is there to say? I told you, I'm not the girl he fell for."

  "Really? You seriously believe that?"

  "Yes, Zo, I do."

  "Then you don't know shit."

  "Excuse me?"

  "How can you even think that? Get up."

  "What?"

  "Get up!"

  I followed directions but had no idea what she had planned.

  "When you ran out of here before, I watched the rest of the video your friend sent. You need to see this."

  She walked over to the DVD player and turned it on.

  Mike's face was on the TV talking directly to the camera.

  "So, if you haven't already turned this off after seeing my face I guess that means I can count on you hearing me out."

  He rubbed his hand over his head a couple times before he continued. I could tell he was nervous. The way his forehead creased when he was uncomfortable, it brought back so much.

  "I don't know why I left that day. Why I would walk away from you.

  “I have never fallen for a girl like I fell for you, you already know that though. I didn't have to try not to look at other women because none of them are you, but you know that too.

  “The idea that you would believe that I ever could, pissed me off so bad but that's not a good enough excuse.

  “I know I have to work harder now to prove you can trust me. I will do whatever it takes for you."

  He scrubbed his eyes and then continued.

  "You looked me in the eye and said you don't love me anymore. How do I get that back? I can't make you love me even though I want it more than anything else in this world.

  “I want you to look at me like you always have. Let me hold you at night and kiss you in the morning when the sun wakes you up. Let me say the words I was too scared to say to you before and let me see your face when you hear them.

  “I want you to love me again, Daisy, because I will never stop. I couldn't if I tried. You own me."

  I saw a tear begin to fall from his left eye before the screen went black.

  "Do you still think he doesn't want you?"

  I wiped my own tears away, never taking my eyes off of the TV. when I said, "That changes nothing."

  "What? THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!"

  This time I spun to look her in the face when I responded. "I'm tainted, broken. He knows it too. You didn't see the way he looked at me. Whatever we had is gone. It's over."

  "Did you not just watch what I did? He loves you, Marissa, he's not going to let tha
t go because of something neither of you had any control over."

  "Even if he can't, I already have."

  "Why? Because you feel he deserves better? There isn't better than you, don't you know that anymore?"

  "You need to let this idea of a happily ever after stay in the fairy tale, Zo."

  "God! Whatever! You'll realize someday that you can't fight fate. Things always end up the way they are meant to. That man is your forever whether you accept that now or not."

  ***

  Hours passed and I couldn't stop thinking about that video. Zoey left to go out with her friends, trying to get me to come yet again but I wasn't in a place to meet new people. All I wanted was to move forward and yet I kept myself trapped in this apartment staring out the window.

  All the people on the street looked like they didn't have a care in the world. Each one was different. Some walked with a purpose; others were laughing while talking to a friend or on the phone.

  I was watching a little girl holding her mom's hand pointing from window to window, when something caught my eye. A man was crossing the street but something about the way he walked forced me to pull my attention from the little girl.

  "There's no way!"

  I knew that walk, that body, every detail from head to toe. As if I could ever forget it.

  I walked away from the window, out our door, out into the hallway and waited at the elevator.

  When the door opened it took my breath away.

  "What are you doing here?"

  He walked off the elevator and came to stand in front of me.

  "I came to fix this before my little brother ends up in prison."

  "We can't be fixed, Tony, just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

  "He already did when he let you go."

  "I let him go. There are reasons you don't understand but I promise you I wouldn't have unless it was a valid one."

  "Do you know where he is?"

  "Me? No. He left here hours ago."

  "Well I do. He's at a bar, shit-faced, trying to control his rage. Whatever you told him has him worse off than I have ever seen him before.

  “Now, I'm not going to ask you to tell me because that's between you two but he called me here for a reason. I have always been the only one to be able to talk sense into him but this time I don't know if I can help. He's out of his mind, Marissa, and I think you are all the hope there is left."

  "I can't."

  "I'm not giving you a choice. This is my brother we are talking about."

  The last thing in the world I ever wanted to do was go to him. Even after seeing him spill his guts I had no hope that we would ever get past what happened. Especially once I knew all of this stemmed from the rivalry between the two. I loved him more than life itself but I couldn't let him suffer the burden.

  It was mine to bear.

  "Tony, please just go get him out of New York and as far away from me as you can."

  He watched me. I shifted back and forth on my feet hating that he was eyeing me up and down looking for my decision to change.

  "I can't do that and I won't. Please go get some shoes on, you’re coming with me."

  "Tony, what part of I can't don't you get?"

  "Listen, kiddo, I don't like any part of what is going on either. I have a wife and two kids at home myself, but I won't sit back and watch my little brother ruin his life. Now, if you don’t want to put on shoes, I will carry you there if I have to."

  He left me no choice. I had to go face the man who had and always will own my heart and try to keep him from doing the one thing I couldn't manage to stop. Self-destruct.

  "Fine, let me change and I'll be right out."

  When I was ready to go, let me tell you that is no metaphor for me to be willing, he walked straight to the elevator. Cold fear took over me as I stared at the doors in front of me.

  "Are you okay? You're shaking."

  "I'm just going to take the stairs. I'll meet you at the bottom."

  I started to walk toward the stairwell door when Tony hurried to stop me from opening the door.

  "You can't run from your fears, Marissa, you have to face them head on to ever get past them."

  "I haven't been in one in almost two months."

  "Then it's time. I will be right here with you. Nothing can hurt you."

  Again he didn't give me a choice. Grabbing my hand, he led me over to the doors as we waited for the elevator to reach our floor.

  "You've gotten awful bossy since the last time I saw you."

  Tony laughed and then said, "If you kids could do this on your own I wouldn't need to be here."

  The doors opened before I could respond. My feet planted themselves into the cheap hall carpet and wouldn't move, locking me in place.

  "I'm here for you, just let go."

  "I can't."

  "Quit saying that! You can do anything you set your mind to. What happened to the bull-headed girl I have always known?"

  "She's gone."

  "That's bullshit and you know it."

  He picked me up and practically threw us into the elevator before the doors closed again, trapping me in the confined space.

  "Can I put you down now or do I need to hold you the whole time."

  "I think you're going to have to hold me."

  He put me down and then looked at me. "It's time you stand on your own two feet."

  The floor vibrated beneath me. Ironically, it almost soothed my nerves. It was never really being in one that terrified me, I began to realize.

  "See! You're going to be just fine."

  "If only it were just an elevator ride to conquer."

  "It's one step at a time. You've taken your first, let the rest come."

  The doors opened and we walked off into the lobby area.

  "Now, let's go get my brother."

  ***

  Tony and I walked a good three blocks before we came up to a bar with music wired to be heard in the streets. Several tables were outside, full of people enjoying the windy, cool night air. It felt like a storm could be moving in, making me wonder if Zoey and her friends were going to be inside. Especially when I realized it was live music coming from the speakers. I had no idea where Zoey would be. Maybe just the fact that the bar was close, I was throwing in a little hope that I would have someone there to have my back.

  Whoever the girl was that was singing, she was fantastic.

  As Tony grabbed the handle to open the door, I looked back at one of the tables and saw Adon. He smiled and I couldn't help but smile in return at the familiar face. At least I found some confidence before I headed inside to be crushed.

  "You ready."

  Tony called back my attention as he held the door open for me to pass through.

  It didn't take long to find who we were coming for. The pressure in the room seemed to change as the pull we have between us directed me straight toward his waiting eyes.

  I stopped walking, trying my best to fight the magnetic force drawing me to him.

  "You need to do this, Marissa. He needs you."

  That one word, NEED; I hate it. It's one of those words that make you feel like all choice in the matter is gone.

  "I'm here, aren't I?"

  I watched Tony as he walked away, leaving me in the middle of a crowded bar to go stand next to his brother.

  He rested his hand on Mike's shoulder and then leaned down to say something but never got Mike's attention. That was all on me.

  I heard the song “One and Only” by Adele start and thought, is God doing this on purpose?

  I slowly walked toward him, hoping with everything in me that this would go smoothly. That I could do whatever was needed and then Tony could take him as far away from me as possible. Having him here only made me want what wasn't mine to have anymore.

  I was a foot from him when I heard his voice crack as he slurred, "I'm so sorry, Daisy."

  I couldn’t look away. He had me with those eyes and I wasn't sure I could ev
er look elsewhere.

  "I just wanted to keep you safe and I couldn't even do that."

  "It wasn't your job to protect me. Shit happens, Mike. You need to give yourself a break on this. What happened to me wasn't your fault."

  His hand came from his side, slowly moved toward my face, and brushed my hair away from my disfigured left eye and tucked it behind my ear.

  "You're more beautiful now than the day you left me."

  A tear slowly trickled down my cheek as he used him thumb to wipe it away. All the veins in his neck bulged out as he said, "I'm going to kill him for what he took from me."

  "You can't. What's done is done. You need to just move on and except that things happen that are out of our control."

  "Like you have?"

  That stung.

  "I'm trying my best."

  "No, you're not. You quit school, haven't talked to any of your friends, hell, you hide out in Zoey's apartment. You left me! You call that moving on from it?"

  "You don't get to judge me! You have no idea what I've been through. The only thing that you've lost in all this is your girlfriend. I lost myself! Who I am!"

  "You think that's all on you? You're not just my girlfriend, Daisy, you're my whole fucking world! You're my reason to breathe. I don't want a life without you in it."

  "I'm not the same girl you fell for Mike. You need to accept that."

  "Do you think I only want you when things are good? Do you think I could ever really walk away from this? There is no walking away from this. I am yours. Forever. Always."

  I wanted to jump in his arms and let the fairy tale play out, but that wasn't reality. I still loved him with every part of my heart, but sometimes love just isn't enough.

  I broke eye contact and looked over at Tony.

  "This is pointless."

  I stepped out of Mike's reach, watching his hand fall toward the floor and then turned and walked out of the bar.

  "What was I even thinking agreeing to come here in the first place?"

  "Daisy!"

  I was already two store fronts away when I heard him and stopped walking. Through the speakers I could hear the girl sing “Arms” by Christina Perri as a raindrop hit my nose. I stood there, focusing on the words of the song, as they talked about how she can't make him hurt if he's not with her.