Mia saw Kristen’s remorse and as much as she tried to ignore it, it got to her. And it made her believe the woman she’d called “whore” on many occasions.
Her husband didn’t have sex with Kristen. What the hell did that even mean now? Did it make a difference? Because he did go with her. He did make out and get naked with her. Before she could carry on with that train of thought, Kristen continued.
“Ethan is one of the best guys out there. I care for him. I want him happy. That’s why I came—to try and fix this wrong. He deserves the happy he wants—and that’s you. Even when he and I were together, I knew it was you.”
He was the happy she wanted too.
Mia felt the tears burn behind her eyes and her nose, but she took a deep breath and fought against them. She could not cry in front of Kristen even though what she said was a gift to Mia. Even though it was probably so hard for the other woman to admit. Mia would shed her tears later. Alone.
“Thank you, Kristen, for coming here and telling me that. I didn’t think when we’d meet that things could be as civil as they are. I pictured myself stuffing your blonde hair down your throat. Not this. Definitely not this. Thanking you instead of cursing you,” Mia said, shaking her head in disbelief and letting out an ironic laugh. This woman she’d hated for so long had just given her part of her life back. Mia and Ethan still needed to talk. This news didn’t solve their issues—mainly their shitty ass communication and what it did to them. What led them to this point of Ethan going with Kristen at all was still there. And it needed to be discussed.
The itinerary for their Skype date just had a major change. The clothing optional activities would have to wait. What they had to say could not. Not anymore.
Mia
Sitting on her bed, Mia clicked on Ethan’s name and waited for him to answer. She was early but she couldn’t wait any longer to talk to him, despite the fact that she had no idea how to broach this topic.
His face complete with his sinfully sexy grin covered her screen. “Hi. You’re early.”
“Yeah …” she said, still unsure of what to say.
“And you still have clothes on.”
“Yeah, well, you naked distracts me.”
“I distract you?”
“Yes!” she exclaimed, trying to suppress a giggle. “You naked equals me letting you in my pants.”
He appeared to think it over, his eyes shooting over to the left as he often did while deep in thought. “I can see how that could be distracting. But I’m glad you’re still letting me in your pants.”
“I like sex with you, Ethan Christopher,” she said truthfully, gazing at the mischievous grin on his face and had to laugh.
“So … I’m assuming your disregard of the clothing optional edict means you want to talk … am I right?”
And she saw it on his face—his preparation to be let down, yet again. He thought she wasn’t going to actually talk. He had wanted to on many occasions, and she’d shut him out time and again. She had to stop that cycle if she wanted this marriage to survive. Starting right now.
“Yeah … if you want to …”
“Really?” he exclaimed, his eyes wide in surprise.
“Yeah,” she said, taking a deep breath. She felt so anxious about this talk, panic rioting inside of her chest. She knew why it had to happen, but her body was still fighting it. She took another deep breath followed by a couple more just for good measure.
Ethan must have noticed her anxiety because he started talking her down. He knew what she went through at times, knew how to calm her down. “It’s okay, Mia. This is just me and you. There’s no need for nerves. I love you, and regardless of what is said, I will still love you. So talk to me.”
“I don’t even know how to begin.” And she didn’t, but she did know that talk of Kristen would wait until after this was done.
“There are no rules, suga. Well, just one—be honest. Can we do that?”
She nodded and decided to just get to the heart of the matter. So with a loud exhale of breath, she asked what had been eating at her for months. “For some time, I felt there was something more—something you weren’t saying. I tried to get you to tell me that night when I slapped you and at my birthday party. I want to know. Because I think that is the answer to my question. How did we get here? How did it get to you with Kristen, Ethan? Before I left we were good, we were working through our issues.”
The words tumbled out of her mouth and she watched his face change from support to resolve as they crashed into him. He would fight. She just hoped it was for them.
“No … we weren’t. We were just having sex. You weren’t talking to me. I still didn’t know what was going on with you. I still didn’t have you. You weren’t there. You were never there. When you should have had a break, you found something to fill it. But it was never me. It was never your family,” he said, before pausing in thought for a moment, collecting them before he spoke. “You’ve been different the past couple years. You’ve been closed off to me. Still all smiles, but there was a part gone, a place you would not let me access. Kind of like your storage room. I tried so hard to crack that code, but no success. It’s like you thought that telling me about your past was it. No more need to talk to me, to tell me what was going on now. Yeah, you told me day-to-day stuff, but not what was bothering you. Nothing emotional. You would not let me in. It was like you didn’t want me.”
Her husband thought she didn’t want him when all she wanted was him—to make him happy, to give him those babies.
“Then there were those few times I saw you with Todd … that damn party you guys threw before the start of this past tour. I saw you with Todd and it started coming together for me. Yes, wrong. Totally wrong. God, do I realize that. But it made sense to me then. Perfect sense. You shared so much with him. You two had so much chemistry together. I fought with myself. Told myself you wouldn’t do that to me. Then that Skype call,” he started then let out a big puff of air. “I didn’t know what to think but putting together what I had seen before and that—all I could keep picturing was you and him together in that hotel room. Kissing him, fucking him. It drove me crazy. I kept thinking why was I not enough for you?”
He swallowed hard then looked up at her, his composure wavering a little. “So, that was my state of mind that night. And I’m not blaming you. I made the choice to do what I did. That is on me. I could have walked away, made a different choice. God, I wish I had made another choice. Then this wouldn’t be happening. You would be with me, in my arms, our family together.”
She listened to him tell her his reasons. She didn’t focus on Todd or the alleged affair. No, she focused on “You were never there, you have been different, you’ve been closed off to me.” She knew it to be true. Luke had said the same thing. And it all started after her miscarriage. The feelings of failing him and their dreams together. After trying for another year with no success, she had tucked that dream of five kids away, deep in her mind, locked away because the pain of her failure hurt too damn much. She couldn’t handle another month of trying with no results. Then after a bit she was away. Just as he said. And finally, the ache for another child went away too.
She looked at him and saw his pain as well as his love for her, the relief mingled with pain. He was glad to tell her, but at the same time, he knew what he’d said would hurt and it did. But he wasn’t the one hurting her. She was to blame. She ran away … yet again. She had to stop that! If she would have taken the steps to talk with her husband about this instead of hiding from it, running from it, things would have been a hell of a lot different. And that was on her.
“So … you’re right.”
“I’m what?” he blurted.
“About Todd, you were totally wrong,” she quickly added. “But the other stuff you said … about me. You were right. I never realized what an impact it had on you. I am sorry for that. The miscarriage and trying for another child after that … it crushed me. The ache to give you another bab
y. The disappointment of it not happening time and again. I failed you. I couldn’t face that. So, yeah, I basically ran away. I didn’t realize it. I was just trying to stay busy, to keep my mind off of it. I took your support for granted—”
“Mia,” he interrupted. “You didn’t fail me. I never once thought that.”
She was relieved to hear that, yet wished she would have known that earlier.
“I was so focused on my pain. I should have talked to you about it. I’m sorry, Ethan. I didn’t know how much it was affecting you.”
“Why do you find it so hard to open up to me? You should have told me about this long ago …”
“I realize that. I guess it’s because deep down I still feel like this is too good to be true, that you’ll leave me …”
Like my mother and father did. And damn, her past came back to strike again. Fuck. No more!
“For all the talking we do, our communication is not very good. When I should push you, I don’t because I don’t want to upset you. I let you run away. I should have spoken up. I see this now. Lesson: we talk to each other, even when it hurts.”
Here was her opening …
“Ethan … I had an interesting morning. After I got done texting you, I was going to go for a run but someone came to visit me.”
For a moment, she saw his mind spinning as he tried to figure it out.
“Who?”
“Kristen.”
That caught him off guard. He sat on their bed, shock draining the blood from his face. “Kristen came to visit you? Wh-why?” he said, the stutter throwing her off. She’d never heard that from him before.
“She had something to say to me.”
“Don’t drag it out. Please just tell me what she had to say.”
“She said you two didn’t have sex, that you passed out before it got to that point. You were telling me the truth when you said you had no idea how many times you slept with her. Why didn’t you say the reason you didn’t know?”
“I woke up and saw her naked beside me and I panicked and ran from the room. I assumed I had.”
“Why did you assume?” she asked, needing to hear it from him.
“Mia …”
“Ethan, say it.”
With a frustrated sigh, he spoke, his voice a little sharp. “I had intended to sleep with her when I left with her.”
And that’s the part that still hurt. The reason that little tidbit from Kristen didn’t really matter. Yes, Mia knew her husband’s dick didn’t make its way inside of Kristen, and Mia was thankful for that, but he had wanted it there … because he was angry about her and Todd and how she’d been acting. She needed to apologize for that.
“I’m sorry I basically drove you to that point, but why didn’t you talk to me about what you had seen? Why did you choose Kristen once again when something was eating at you? You should have talked to me, forced me to talk to you, because I have a hell of a time talking to you when something major is bothering me,” she paused, letting all those worries and fears wash over her. “And something big was drowning me.”
Her face started to crumple but a swift intake of breath and a straightening of her back stopped those damn tears.
“Mia …” he said, his voice now full of sympathy.
“No, I’m not done,” she said with a shake of her head. “I know my mistake and I’m going to make damn sure it never happens again, but I know that it could, especially with my track record. And the thing that is stopping me from telling you I’m coming home is what if it happens again? What will you do? Will you help me find my way through it or will you seek out Kristen again? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that if you choose her again it will destroy me and I don’t know if I want to take that risk,” she paused, taking a long deep breath to regroup. “When you asked me to marry you, you asked me what you meant to me and I said that you were my everything. I said you were my lover, my protector, my best friend. I trusted you to protect my heart, and you went and broke it. You hurt me more than I ever thought you could. But over the past couple months though, I’ve seen my protector. I’ve been with my lover, and I’ve laughed and had fun with my best friend. I’ve seen you be a loving father to our boys. But the thing that I’ve been having issues with is trust.”
Her eyes searched his face, trying to reach into his head, into his thoughts, trying to see beyond the defeated expression on his face.
“Can I trust you?” she asked, not expecting him to answer. She was asking more to herself. He’d been really trying. She knew that—saw it. The text and emails he sent her, reminding them of what they had. They had been pretty damn good together. And she did love him. But could she take the step to trust him? To put this mess in the past and move on with her life with him and their children? Why did that scare her so much? “I can’t answer that right now, Ethan.”
His head fell to his chest and he repeatedly ran his fingers through his hair. When the tear ran down his cheek and onto his chest, she bit her lip until she thought it may bleed, trying to not cry with him.
“I know I hurt you too,” she added. “I see that. I did not handle the miscarriage well at all. And when I couldn’t give you another child and felt like I’d failed, I ran. I emotionally left too. I basically left our marriage well before you even considered cheating on me.”
That was the hardest truth she had ever spoken.
With a breath of resolve and a straightening of her back, she continued. “I’m so very sorry, Ethan. To be honest, I wonder how you can even trust me …”
“There was a time when I didn’t. You wouldn’t talk to me. I didn’t know what was going on with you. That’s what got us here. But I trust you now. I do, Mia.”
“Ethan, your lack of trust is my fault.”
“And your lack of trust is mine.”
Ethan
Indianapolis, August 2, 2015
Ethan stood in front of his locker. He adjusted the sleeves of his suit coat then grabbed his keys and put them in his pocket. As he reached for his phone off the shelf, he noticed a message from Mia. He hadn’t talked to her since that Skype conversation. So much for both of them to process.
That damn miscarriage. He should have seen what it had done to her. What he’d seen was the woman who wanted to try again, the woman who’d fought past that loss. What he hadn’t seen was the woman who was overwhelmed by the loss, overwhelmed by trying to give him another child.
Looking up from his phone, he saw the reporters descend upon him. He wanted to read that message from her so badly, but he needed to talk to the media. First preseason game of the year—a win. The reporters wanted to know about his thoughts for the upcoming season based on this game. Usually he enjoyed the attention. Not tonight though. All he wanted was to be with his family. It was the first time ever that he didn’t want to be in that locker room.
After Ethan finished the Q and A, he grabbed his bag and raced to the privacy of his car. Throwing the bag on the passenger seat before sitting down behind the wheel, he pressed the button to start the car then took his phone out of his jacket pocket.
He stared at the alert on his screen.
Mia 10:19 PM
My response
His finger hovered over the message. This was it. Her answer was in this message. His future would be determined by this email. And he was scared. What if this was it? What if she couldn’t get past all the hurt they’d caused each other? He didn’t want to face that he might have to spend the rest of his life without her. But he needed to know. He couldn’t go on like this—this weird limbo he’d been in the past year. So he opened her message and read away.
Hi - I’m sitting in the family room, watching your game. You’re looking good, Mr. Christopher. I foresee another fantastic season for you.
It’s so weird not being there, cheering you on. I found myself rereading all your texts and emails the past couple months and that got me thinking … it’s time to finally reply to all your messages.
It’s
been so nice to see our past through your eyes. It showed me things I never knew. I should have known these things. I should have known how you felt about Todd, about how I was acting. I should have told you how I was feeling about the miscarriage and trying for another child.
Our communication has been shit. I don’t know about you, but this whole experience has taught me that if we stand a chance, we have to be more open with one another. No more secrets. Well, unless you’re trying to surprise me with a new car or something like that. Those kind of secrets are quite fine by me. And I expect many like that in the future. ;)
Speaking of … here’s me being more open.
2422
If you haven’t guessed, that’s the code to my storage room. I realized the weekend of my birthday party that I never really shared that time of my life with you. We were so focused on my past with my parents and getting past that, that this wonderful part of my life was left unshared with you. I think I was a little nervous to do so because during that time I did a lot of drugs and for a while I didn’t want to bring that up with you. But as you saw that weekend, it wasn’t all bad—I need to remember that. I also realized that with giving you access to that room that there will be more embarrassing moments, but I don’t care. That room is my storage vault for my brain—my external hard drive (how geeky is that?) It’s just not my music—it’s so much more.
Now I’ve been rambling. God, I can’t believe how nervous I am and I’m not even with you. Anyway, I have something to share. A secret. I haven’t had it long—a little over two months. I was going to tell you when I got home from Europe, but that didn’t happen—obviously.
But, before I share that with you, I need to tell you something else. Something very important.
I forgive you, Ethan.
I want my husband back. I want my family together. I want to move forward, continue our life—together. I’m so tired of being apart from you.
Never Over You Page 40
