Falling from Disgrace

by Maretta, L

  Jack handed the last box of his father’s belongings to the volunteer from the Salvation Army. He had decided, and his sister agreed, to donate everything his father left behind, from clothes to furniture. Jack kept one memento, his father’s sterling silver money clip with their initials, J.H.L, engraved on it, and then packed everything else up. He didn’t want to sell off his father’s things for money and it’s not like Gillian needed it. They’d both do well from the sale of the house, anyhow. After the truck hauled away the donated items, Jack walked back into his father’s empty house to where his mother was waiting.

  “All set?” she asked him.

  “Yeah,” Jack said, his deep voice echoing in the vacant living room.

  “You heading back right away or can you come by the house and have dinner with Denny and me?”

  “Thanks, but I can’t,” Jack told his mom. “I’ve gotta get back.”

  Roseann walked over to her only son and took his face in her hands. “You okay, kid? You aren’t working too hard, are you?”

  Jack half smiled at his mother and shook his head. “I’m alright.”

  “Well, you better come back soon and bring Adrianna, will you? I’d really like to see her again.” When she saw her son’s face fall she narrowed her eyes in worry. “What happened?”

  “We broke up, Ma,” Jack confessed.

  “Oh, Jack,” she cried. “Why?”

  “Because...” Jack flustered, not even knowing how to put into words how he fucked it all up. “Because I’m an idiot.”

  Roseann tsked and asked, “What did you do, Jack?”

  She listened, sad and concerned for her son, as he told her everything. He admitted to his mother that Adrianna had been dependent on Vicodin when they met but how, with his help, she stopped using them and got better. He told her all about Adrianna’s accident, Rachel dying, her guilt over that and then meeting with Jason. He explained to his mother about Adrianna’s relationship with her parents and how she lied to them and even after she had come clean, they didn’t offer her much support. And then he finally recounted the conversation he had with his sister and how what she said made him fearful that he really was after Adrianna just to save her. He talked, and talked, and talked, and he felt like the words poured out of him like blood gushing from an open wound. A wound within him that only ached more with each word he spoke about Adrianna.

  Roseann was quiet for a moment when her son finally finished regaling her with the events of the last three months of his life. Though Jack was an adult, he was her child, and like any good mother she wanted to comfort him, for she saw in his face the anguish he was suffering from losing the girl he loved. However, she also needed to set him straight.

  “Jack,” she finally spoke with a firmness that had his undivided attention. “I love you, sweetheart, but you are an idiot.”

  Taken aback, Jack gave his mother a confused look and then barked out a laugh.

  “One,” Roseann continued, “you’re an idiot for even listening to your sister. I love Gillian but since she got married, shrewdness took over any kindness she had in her. Don’t you think that the bullshit she said to you was just to make her feel better about herself for cutting people out of her life at the first sign of weakness? You don’t have a hero complex, honey, you have a heart. A big one. I worry about Gillian all the time but never about you because I know you’re good, and kind, and have a good head on your shoulders. Or at least I thought you did.”

  Jack let his mother’s words wash over him and where he was feeling sad he was now feeling quite stupid. Why did it take her telling him Gillian was full of shit for him to finally start to believe it? Since when was he the type of guy who needed someone to corroborate his feelings?

  “As far as this love you have for Adrianna, who gives a shit where it comes from?” his mother ranted on. “Love isn’t about why or how or where. It’s about having a connection with someone who makes you want to be the best person you can be. Adrianna found that in you, she had the strength to get better because of your love, don’t you see that? Yes, you were there to take care of her physically but the power to resist taking the medication came from inside Adrianna that was driven by her love for you.”

  Speechless at his mother’s profundity and also embarrassed, Jack just looked at the floor and nodded.

  “Look at me, son,” Roseann instructed. “Have you been miserable since you broke up?”

  “Yes,” Jack admitted.

  “Do you feel emptiness? Pain?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you miss her?”

  “Hell, yes,” Jack breathed.

  “Then go to her. Tell her that’s how you know you love her.”

  For the first time, Jack was glad the drive home would take three hours. He needed at least that much time to figure out what he was going to say to Adrianna.

  When a knock came upon Adrianna’s door her stomach twisted; not in relief, but in absolute terror. Ryan, her old fuck-buddy, had come through for her and after explaining she was not making a booty-call, he promised to send his friend Boggs her way and that he would have what she was looking for.

  Ignoring the nerves that had her hands shaking, she opened her door to find Ryan’s friend standing there. He was a scraggly looking guy with long, dirty blonde hair that was sticking out from under a beanie. He wore a pale blue polo shirt and khaki cargo shorts and had a face that looked like someone had grabbed his forehead and chin and tried squishing them together. His features were disconcerting. Adrianna was sure that if you looked up pill-pusher in the dictionary, his picture would be there.

  “Adrianna? I’m Boggs,” he spoke, surprising her with a British accent.

  “Come in,” Adrianna replied meekly, stepping out of the way to let him enter her foyer.

  “Ryan tells me you’re looking for pills, love?”

  Adrianna shuddered at the fact he called her “love” but nodded. She folded her arms around herself, her whole body now shaking with adrenaline.

  “No need to be nervous, I’m not a cop or anything,” Boggs laughed. “Are you sure it’s pills you want?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Pills are getting harder and harder to come by. I have some now but there’s more that I can offer you that’ll be cheaper and easier to get.”

  “Like what?” Adrianna asked, terrified but curious.

  “H,” Boggs said simply, like he was commenting on the weather.

  “Heroine?” Adrianna gasped, feeling her throat go tight with sickness. She suddenly felt filthy that she had this man, this drug dealer, in her apartment. “No,” she spat, shaking her head. “Just the pills, whatever this will buy me.” Pulling money from the pocket of her shorts, she thrust a hundred dollar bill in his hand and held her palm out for him to fill it.

  Boggs looked at the bill appreciatively and then folded it before jamming it into his back pocket. Pulling a baggie from the front of his cargos, he dropped it into Adrianna’s waiting hand.

  “Those are Oxys,” he told her. “Strong, so don’t do anything stupid.”

  Adrianna nodded and then opened her door, signaling that it was time for Boggs to go. He took a step and then stopped, appraising Adrianna’s appearance. Though she looked like she hadn’t slept or showered in days, she had a hot body and a pair of fantastic tits. Great mouth, too. He said to her, “Ya know, it looks like you could use some company tonight. We could hang out, get high together?” He ran a finger up Adrianna’s bare shoulder and she jerked away in disgust.

  “Not interested,” she sneered and then pushed his shoulder until she could close the door behind him.

  Grasping the baggy tightly in her sweaty hand, she went to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water from the sink. Her heart pounding loudly in her chest, she returned to her living room where she sat on her couch and placed the drugs and the water on the coffee table in front of her. She stared at the pills with watery eyes and thought, this was it. This is what she had wanted so badly.
Right there, just inches from her hand was the salvation she needed. It would bring her serenity. It would bring her peace. For just a second she urged herself to be strong, to fight it, to throw the pills away and get through her pain any other way. But she ignored it and reached into the bag. Withdrawing a little green pill, she tilted her head back and placed it gingerly on her tongue.

  Chapter 15

  Jack’s palms were sweaty and his heart was racing as he rode the elevator up to Adrianna’s apartment. He had a speech prepared that he hoped she would accept and he had rehearsed it, even out loud, in his car on the drive from his father’s house. His nerves dancing, he walked slowly down the hall, deliberately breathing slowly. When he reached her door he cleared his throat a few times, brushed off his blue jeans and grey t-shirt, and raked a hand through his hair. Damn, he was nervous. Taking one more deep breath, he knocked.

  And then knocked.

  And then knocked again.

  Shit, she wasn’t home. He listened for any noises behind the door but all was silent. Using his old trick, he pulled out his phone and dialed her number. He could hear her phone ring from inside the apartment.

  Knocking again, he called out, “Ade, it’s me, please open the door. Ade!” Still nothing.

  Unsure if he should, but not wanting to lose the nerve to face her, Jack pulled out his keys, finding the one he never gave back to Adrianna attached to the ring. Knocking once more and waiting a beat, he then unlocked the door and stepped inside her apartment.

  Adrianna was curled up, asleep on her couch and Jack felt his heart constrict at the sight of her. She looked fragile and weak; her skin even paler than usual and her dark hair unkempt and in a knot on the back of her head. Her cutoff shorts and black tank top were wrinkled and well worn, like she hadn’t changed in days and Jack would swear she had lost five pound since he last saw her.

  Jack knelt down at her side and with a gentle hand, he stroked her head and whispered her name. Adrianna was jolted from sleep and she sat up quickly with wide eyes and a thumping heart.

  “It’s me, it’s me,” Jack spoke quietly, cupping her shocked face to relieve her worry. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

  Adrianna swallowed thickly and croaked, “What are you doing here?”

  Holding on to her face and looking deeply into her chocolaty eyes, Jack said, “I had to see you. I need to tell you something, Ade. I made a huge mistake.”

  At his words, Adrianna shifted, pulling her face from his hand and Jack’s attention was drawn to something on the couch. Adrianna had been lying on it and it was something plastic, flattened against the cushions. Reaching out with a steady hand, Jack pulled it from the seat and brought it closer to his face to inspect.

  “Fuck,” he breathed when he saw the little, green pills inside the plastic bag. He stood, taking three long steps back from Adrianna and crushed the bag in his fist. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! What the fuck did you do? Where did you get this?” He ran a hand through his hair and pulled at the strands, out of his mind with anger. “Ade!” he screamed again, “What did you do?”

  Adrianna began to cry and she stood to go to Jack. While he continued to scream at her she somehow found her voice and tried to yell over him. “Jack, I didn’t! Jack, listen to me. Listen to me! I didn’t do it! I didn’t take the pills! Jack, I DIDN’T TAKE THE PILLS!”

  Her words finally reached Jack’s ears and he stopped yelling to look down at her. Adrianna felt a tremor of guilt rock through her when she saw Jack’s blue eyes were gleaming with tears. Jack, who didn’t even cry when his own father died, was crying for her.

  “I swear to you,” she sobbed, reaching out to grab his hand, “I didn’t take one.”

  Adrianna wasn’t lying. She had gone so far as having one of them on her tongue when she wretched and gagged and ran to the sink to spit the pill out. It had been the most defining moment of her life; making the decision, on her own, not to go back down that road. She was still in agony over losing Jack, but she would get through it some other way, she would force herself to do it.

  Jack stared at Adrianna as his chest rose and fell heavily with his frantic breaths. He clenched his jaw so tightly it actually made his teeth hurt and then rubbed the moisture from his eyes with his thumb and index finger. He inhaled once again, his nostrils flaring before he exhaled loudly from his mouth. He felt like he wanted to smash something or throw up. He believed that Adrianna was telling the truth, but for the short amount of time he thought he had driven her to take pills again, he felt a fury and sickness like no other, and now he was trying to recover from those twelve seconds of panic.

  “Jack,” Adrianna whispered and he finally removed his hand from his face and looked at the woman he loved. He clasped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her to him, crushing her against his hard body that was still wired with anxiety. He just couldn’t calm the fuck down.

  Adrianna’s face was pressed painfully against Jack’s chest but she didn’t care. She let him hold her and she relished in the closeness of his body, no matter how brief it would be.

  “You didn’t do it,” Jack sighed, and it wasn’t a question though Adrianna still reaffirmed her answer with a shake of her head. He pulled her away from his chest and took her face in both his hands and kissed her everywhere. His kissed her mouth, her nose, both her eyelids, across her cheek, and then over her ear to the side of her head. “Thank God,” he chanted between kisses. “Thank God.”

  He picked Adrianna up by her waist and carried her into her kitchen where he sat her on the counter. Leaving her there, he took the plastic bag with pills that he still clutched in his hand to her bathroom where he quickly flushed the five pills down the toilet and shoved their container into the pocket of his jeans.

  Upon returning to the kitchen, he wished Adrianna kept hard liquor, for he could sure use a shot of whiskey to calm his nerves. Needing something, he pulled out a cigarette from the front pocket of his shirt, took a few drags from it and then distinguished it under running water from Adrianna’s faucet. Adrianna sat quietly the whole time wondering what Jack was doing at her apartment in the first place.

  Now slightly calmer from the nicotine, Jack quickly strode to stand before Adrianna and he braced his hands on either sides of her legs. Using the strongest voice he could conjure he told her, “I am so sorry, Ade. I was an idiot and I am so, so sorry.” This wasn’t the speech he had prepared, that shit was completely forgotten, so he just said whatever came into his head. “I love you, I love you and I don’t know why I couldn’t figure that out before but I know it now and I know want to be with you.”

  Adrianna, who had still not stopped crying, closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against Jack’s. “I love you, too,” she breathed.

  Jack pulled away from and studied her face. “Why do I feel there’s a ‘but’ that’s going to follow that?”

  “Because while I love you we still can’t be together.”

  Jack felt like he had been punched in the gut with a sledgehammer. He was too late. In the time it took him to realize he was being a fool, Adrianna had decided to move on from him.

  “Why?” he demanded softly.

  “Look at me!” Adrianna told him. “I’m a mess and I have been since I left your apartment a week ago. I shouldn’t have reacted this way, I shouldn’t have fallen apart. I shouldn’t need you to hold myself together. I had a fucking drug dealer in my home, Jack! I bought pills and was ready to take them because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get over losing you!”

  “But you didn’t take them,” Jack reminded her.

  “No, I didn’t. But I should have never have gotten to this point.”

  Adrianna’s words swam in Jack’s head and he struggled for what to say to convince her that she was wrong. Adrianna took his silence to continue her argument.

  “I’m not saying it’s completely over for us, but you need to go. I need time to finish fixing myself alone. I need to know I’m strong enough to live my life
without you. I shouldn’t need you this much.”

  Feeling defeated, Jack turned from her. She needed time but he didn’t want to spend another day without her. But what was he supposed to do, beg? Again, he couldn’t find the words. Jack took one step towards her door and then forced himself to stop. No! He wouldn’t let her do this. He wasn’t going to keep his mouth shut again like a damn imbecile and risk losing the woman he cared for more than anything else in the world.

  “Fuck that!” he yelled, startling Adrianna who had just moved to get to her feet. Jack spun around to face her and gripped her by her upper arms. “I need you, Adrianna. I need you, more than I can even put into words and more than you can possibly imagine; and not to feel like a hero but to feel whole. You say you shouldn’t need me this much but what’s wrong with needing someone? That’s what love is! It’s needing that someone to make you feel strong, and good, and complete, and to even be able to breathe! I need you to breathe, Ade. I’ve been in hell this last week, walking around like I was missing a part of me, and that part was you. Please, tell me you want to be with me because without you, I’m only half a man.”