Return to Sender

by Ashlyn Kane

  “I don’t want to move,” Jonah said. “I like it here. It has you, and Zack has stopped glowering at me over breakfast. I never use my room unless you’re working anyway. I’ll still pay rent, and we can use it to buy groceries or something.”

  Emerson’s cheeks pinkened, and he averted his eyes. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “It’s a great idea,” Jonah countered. “Think of the time we’ll save walking between houses!”

  “Jonah, when is the last time you worked on your writing?”

  Thrown by the seeming change of subject, Jonah thought about it. “I don’t know, Tuesday while you were at work? What does that have to do with anything?”

  Emerson persisted. “When was the last time you worked on it when I was home?”

  “I have better things to do when you’re at home,” Jonah said. He ran his eyes and then the tips of his fingers down Emerson’s spine appreciatively. “Case in point.”

  “That’s not healthy, Jonah!” Emerson protested. “It was great for a summer, but school starts again soon, and we’re both going to have homework to do as well as work. We’re going to need our own space. Besides, what if we have a fight?”

  “We never fight.” Jonah turned onto his side and pressed their noses together. “Come on, Em, don’t you want to live together?” When Emerson’s eyes slid closed, he brushed his lips across Emerson’s in a brief, gentle kiss.

  “Of course I want to,” Emerson said. “That’s the problem. Jonah, you can barely keep your hands to yourself in public. What about when one of us needs to study? Or has an assignment due?”

  “Hey! I can control myself,” Jonah said, wounded. “If you told me no, I’d back off!”

  “Well, I’m not very good at telling you no anymore. And that still leaves you ignoring your own homework. I just don’t think it’s a good idea, Jonah.”

  Part of him had to admit that Emerson did have a point, but Jonah wasn’t ready to give up so easily. “We could give it a month-long trial period,” he proposed. “If it isn’t working out by the end of September, I can always move out then.”

  But Emerson shook his head stubbornly. “It’ll be too late to find a place to rent by then. You’ll be stuck in Hudson Bend ’til next year.”

  “That assumes it won’t work out. Em, I’ve spent enough years of my life apart from you.”

  “We’re not going to be apart. We live in the same city. We go to the same school. Considering that for the past three years we’ve hardly seen each other at all, that should be plenty.” Emerson took a deep breath. “We spent the first eight months of our relationship apart, Jonah. Of course we didn’t fight. Just because we haven’t yet doesn’t mean we won’t. We’re not ready to live together, and you know it.”

  Bristling, Jonah pulled away. Obviously Emerson wasn’t going to see sense right now. “We’ll never know unless we try.” Emerson wasn’t the only one who could be stubborn.

  Emerson put his hand on Jonah’s arm before he could sit up. “I’m not saying you can’t stay over on weekends. You can even keep your key. We’ll move in together once we graduate, I promise.”

  After a long moment, Jonah decided to drop the subject lest he inadvertently prove Emerson’s point. With a sigh, he settled back into the bed and curled his body into Emerson’s. “I guess I’d better take advantage of you while I still can.” He pushed Emerson over on his side and insinuated his left hand into the back pocket of Emerson’s jeans.

  Emerson gave him a wide-eyed look. “You are incorrigible.”

  “Nah, just horny,” Jonah corrected. “How long ’til you have to leave for work?”

  “Uh.” Emerson shuddered when Jonah kissed feather-light up his neck to his ear. “Two hours,” he said a little hoarsely.

  “Mmm.” Jonah pulled his hand out of Emerson’s pocket and sneaked it under the back of his T-shirt instead. “Plenty of time.”

  §

  EMERSON was still panicking and fretting over the whole situation some three hours later as he was driving back into Austin. By the time he pulled into the driveway at their place, Emerson had decided that the easiest thing to do was to bring the subject up with Jonah. That way Jonah could confirm or deny his suspicions, and Emerson wouldn’t have to live in doubt. It was simple.

  He found Jonah in his room, laid out on his bed and reading a book. It wasn’t that surprising; Emerson took a minute to appreciate the familiarity of the sight.

  Emerson cleared his throat and managed to smile back when Jonah gave him a bright grin. “Hey, Em, how’d the day go?” he asked as he put his book aside.

  His hands were trembling a little, so he stuffed them in his pockets. “Alright.” He licked his lips. “Kind of boring, actually. Until this cute kid came in. You’ll never guess who his mom was.”

  Jonah arched an eyebrow. “Who?”

  “Deanna Carlisle.”

  Jonah sat up. “You’re kidding.”

  Not a very insightful start to the conversation. That comment was terribly ambiguous, though to Emerson the “you’re kidding” sounded more like “oh, shit, you caught me” than it did “what a surprise!”

  Emerson bit his lip, then forced himself to continue. “Which was surprising, because no one ever told me she had a kid. Not all that shocking, I guess, except the kid looked like he was about three years old already. I mean, she must have got knocked up when we were still in high school.”

  Jonah snorted and stood, tossing his book to his nightstand. “Christ, no wonder she moved away for a few years.”

  “So you didn’t know?” Emerson really hoped the heat he could feel wasn’t a slight blush. “I mean, you took her to prom.”

  Jonah turned back to face him, his voice sounding careful and deliberate. “Yes… but guess who else moved away after high school? It was just a date. We didn’t keep in touch.”

  “Oh? I would have thought that you….” Emerson wasn’t sure how to finish that. Would keep in touch with people you slept with? Would have already known about the kid? Would have at least shared an e-mail with a girl you were friends with and had dated?

  Still, the unfinished thought left a frown on Jonah’s face. “That I what, Emerson? Whatever you’re trying to say, spit it out.”

  Emerson found he couldn’t just spit it out, though. “You went to prom together—well, that’s not true, is it?” Suddenly all the bitterness of that one night came rushing back so fast and strong Emerson felt like he was choking on it. “More like you missed prom together. I mean, when you tell people you’ve hired a limo but then don’t show up? People tend to notice, Jonah.”

  Jonah crossed his arms and stood up straight. “Are you actually accusing me of—” His quiet tone sounded dangerous.

  Emerson wrapped both arms around himself. “I should tell you more about the kid! He was very adorable. All bright hazel eyes and tan skin and wavy brown hair,” Emerson blurted out, feeling desperate and shaken.

  Jonah went stone-faced. He stared at Emerson, his eyes hard and his face unyielding. His arms were still crossed, and Emerson couldn’t help but notice how very tall Jonah was. “Get out.”

  Emerson felt himself jerk in surprise. He stared at Jonah. He hadn’t seen Jonah looking so angry in years, and certainly not since Jonah had put on muscle mass or since they had started dating. “What?”

  “Get out of my room. You know, maybe you were right. Maybe we shouldn’t live together.”

  Emerson winced. Sure, he had been the one to say that them living together would be a bad idea, but that was because they were too crazy about each other to keep their hands to themselves, not because they weren’t good together.

  Hurt filled his chest. “What? Because I wanted to know if you knew about Deanna’s kid? Which, considering that you were fucking her around the same time she got pregnant, isn’t unreasonable.”

  Jonah’s nostrils flared. “You know what’s not unreasonable? Having a boyfriend who asks you straight up about things instead of coming at
you sideways with outrageous accusations. Now get out of my way. If you’re not going to leave, I will.” Jonah took two steps forward.

  Emerson ignored him, filled with rage. How dare Jonah get angry? “Alright, fine, then. Do you have a fucking kid?”

  Jonah’s arms dropped to his side. His hands were balled into fists and clenched next to his hips. “Emerson, so help me God, if you don’t get out of the fucking doorway, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  He took another few steps forward, and Emerson stared at him. Jonah had never looked more frightening. Surprised, Emerson took two steps to the left, instinctively getting out of the way.

  Jonah stormed past him, his steps hurried and angry, decisive. He had just reached the top of the stairs when Emerson recovered. He spun around and hurried after Jonah’s retreating form.

  Over the sound of Jonah’s boots clattering down the steps, Emerson demanded, “Why won’t you answer the question?”

  The only response Emerson got was the sound of the front door slamming shut.

  Emerson stood frozen at the top of the stairs for long moments, staring at the closed front door. It was hardly the first argument that he and Jonah had had. There was that time in 7th grade when Emerson had ignored Jonah for a week after Jonah crashed his bike while borrowing it. Then there had been the epic battle of 10th grade when Emerson had accidently stolen the affections of Jonah’s latest crush, and Jonah had exploded into a ball of jealous and righteous fury. Both arguments had been big and world-ending at the time.

  Neither compared to right now.

  Fighting with Jonah when he was in love with Jonah, when he knew that Jonah loved him back? Was a million times worse.

  He felt like he had been hollowed out. Like something had reached in and pulled out everything that kept Emerson moving, that held him up. Except they had left his heart, which felt like it was being squeezed into a pulp.

  Jonah loved him. Emerson knew that. Still, it wasn’t very encouraging the way Jonah had run out. And the way he had looked at Emerson, just before he left. Like Emerson was a stranger that he wanted to hurt. Jonah had never looked at him that way before.

  And Jonah had—Jonah had threatened him. He had stood there and said he didn’t know what he’d do to Emerson if Emerson didn’t move. He’d stood there looking so tall and enormous, and Emerson had actually been frightened. Of Jonah!

  It was not the first time that Emerson had seen Jonah use his height that way. He had been taller than everyone else for years, and it had been almost as long that he hadn’t been ashamed of using it to his advantage. Hell, just last week he had stood beside a freaked-out Hayley in a bar glaring at the guy who wouldn’t stop bugging her. The guy had run away just because he was half Jonah’s size.

  Still, Jonah had never used his height against Emerson. Never. Not even in tenth grade. Even when they were making out or having sex, and Jonah used his size to their advantage, he didn’t make Emerson feel afraid. Not like tonight.

  Not like tonight when Jonah had stood over him, glaring and threatening, and Emerson had been worried, if just for a moment, genuinely worried that Jonah might throw a punch.

  Emerson wasn’t sure, but he thought that the idea might be more terrifying now that Jonah had held him down, been inside him, and left bruises on him than it would have been twelve months ago.

  Emerson turned from the stairs and stumbled down the hall to his bedroom. Once there he sat down on his bed. Then, still not feeling secure, scooted back until he was pressed into the corner, body curled in close.

  Oh God. What if Jonah dumped him?

  Something hit his hand. Looking down he noticed the tear rolling down his thumb. Oh, he was crying apparently. Right. Crying because Jonah was maybe breaking his heart again. Only this time it probably was all Emerson’s fault.

  §

  NOW

  THEY made their way through the crowd of students, professors, and proud parents to a side door Jonah hadn’t noticed earlier; it opened on a small, empty smoker’s courtyard with a single bench. He didn’t sit.

  The automatic door closed slowly behind them, and for a long time neither of them spoke. Emerson tucked his hands under his elbows and shifted his feet, looking anywhere but at Jonah.

  Jonah was still too angry to be the first to apologize. “Did you want to go first?”

  Emerson made a pained face, then said in a rush, “So, I’m kind of insecure and a bit of an idiot when it comes to you.”

  Jonah frowned. Did Emerson think that was news? They had been stupid over each other for years. Come to think of it, Emerson’s insecurity was almost exactly as long-lasting. “Okay… I kinda knew that part.”

  Emerson wrapped his arms tighter around himself and stared daggers at the ashtray. “Yeah, I guess you would. If anyone knows how crazy I can be, it’d be you.”

  God damn it, Emerson was missing the point. Jonah made a frustrated sound. “I just—I don’t understand how you could think that I’d—”

  “What?” Emerson said, meeting Jonah’s eyes for the first time in a while and looking like he was going to be sick. “Lie?” He bit his lip again. “I didn’t”—a thick, choking laugh. “I’m kind of stupid. I freaked out and convinced myself that you would have found out when we weren’t talking. ’Cause I know you wouldn’t—I know you wouldn’t want to lie to me like that.”

  “I’m not even capable of lying like that!” Jonah burst out. “I could understand, maybe, if you thought I didn’t know, but even then—even then you should have known I didn’t sleep with Deanna.”

  “I… what?” Emerson took a step back, his brow furrowing. “You never told me anything about what you did with her.”

  Of all the asinine things to say—Jonah gritted his teeth. What did Emerson want, an itemized confession of what sexual acts he’d performed with whom, along with dates and approximate times? Should he rate his partners on a scale of one to ten? “In December I gave you my full sexual history.” With effort, he reminded himself that Emerson was new to lasting relationships and softened his tone some. “God knows he looks like me, but barring some freaky X-Files scenario, Gareth can’t be mine.”

  Emerson uncrossed and re-crossed his arms. “So, what, you just skipped prom to go get pizza instead?”

  That was enough. “Jesus Christ, Emerson, what the hell does it matter what we did? The bottom line here is you’re either going to believe me, or you’re not. And if you’re not”—if Emerson didn’t believe him, didn’t trust him, even after all this time—“then why am I here?”

  Recoiling, Emerson’s arms loosened with a spastic jerk, before they changed direction to curl around his torso. “That’s not—not what I wanted to… I….” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. “I did something really shitty. I got so upset—Deanna was always everything I wasn’t when it came to you, and seeing her threw me so much, I forgot that you—you wouldn’t do that to me. I just, I freaked out, and I didn’t stop to think until after I’d freaked out at you, and then it was too late.”

  “Is this an apology? Because usually those start with ‘I’m sorry’,” Jonah gritted out. He could guess at the reasoning behind it well enough, but he needed to know that Emerson understood what his mistrust had cost Jonah.

  Emerson flushed, looking pained. “I—of course it’s an apology. I am so sorry, Jonah. I never wanted to hurt you—you’re…. I’m sorry I hurt you and made you leave.” He licked his lips and curled his hands into fists where they were buried under his upper arms. “’Cause I love you. I do.”

  The words hit Jonah right at the knees, and only sheer force of will kept him on his feet. There was no way Emerson could fake that kind of sincerity, not when he had so much trouble getting his I-love-yous out in the first place. “Alright, I believe that. But you’re not the only one with his heart on the line, here. You can’t just go around thinking I’d betray you like that, Em.”

  “I know! I know,” Emerson said miserably. “Did I mention I’m a little ins
ecure? And trying to get better about that?” He took a shuffling half-step forward, expression earnest. “I—I know you love me.”

  Maybe he was looking for some reassurance that Jonah did still love him—and of course he did—but it could wait a few more minutes. He needed to make sure the issue was well and truly closed, and that meant he owed Emerson an apology of his own. “Alright,” he said, bracing himself and trying to resist the urge to hunch. “I guess while we’re on the subject, I need to apologize too.”

  “What?” Emerson shook his head, took another half-step. “I was the one who acted like… like a crazy, jealous person.” He gave Jonah a fairly pathetic smile.

  “It takes two people to have a fight,” Jonah admitted. “As crazy, as angry, as your accusations made me, I could have just told you the truth then. I’d still have been mad, but it wouldn’t be like this. But I guess I figured if you could really think I’d keep something like that from you, you deserved to keep on believing it.”

  Emerson swallowed, obviously unhappy but not disagreeing. “Oh. That’s”—he cleared his throat, and his gaze drifted away from Jonah’s—“that’s not unreasonable.”

  It was, a little, and even if it was understandable, Jonah still felt guilty. He could have saved them both a lot of heartache. And besides—“There’s something else,” he said.

  “What?”

  Now or never, Jonah told himself firmly. He tried to be matter-of-fact, but his voice came out sounding every bit as tormented as he felt. “When you were standing in the doorway, I think I scared you.” He took a deep breath for fortification and plunged ahead. “You actually thought that I’d—and I can’t blame you for thinking it. I can’t believe I did that to you.”

  “Oh.” Emerson looked down at his feet, to his left, at the tree in the courtyard. “I won’t lie—you did scare me a little.” He darted a sideways look back at Jonah. “I’ve never seen you look like that before. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me, though.”