A handful of dreams

by Hilary Wilde

  gave a bitter little laugh and turned to hurry to the house; she had to shower and change as Theo was calling for her within an hour. The bitterness stayed with her the whole evening and as Theo drove her home, he glanced at her. 'What are you mad about?' he asked. His arrogant sarcastic voice was amused, which annoyed her still more. ' I am not mad,' she said coldly. Theo drove the car off the main road, parking it on a stretch of grass, and then he turned round to look at her. 'Yes, you are,' he said curtly, 'so don't lie. What's wrong? Have you and Joanna had a row? Or are you getting bored because you've been out with me and Anthony so much?' She was startled and turned impulsively. ' Of course not! I've enjoyed it all and so has Anthony-Very much indeed.' * Then if it isn't that, what is it?' he asked, the moon shining on his face, his voice impatient. She knew Theo well enough to know that he would give her no peace until he got the truth out of her so she told him. She twisted her hands together, looking at them as she said: ' It's just that ... that I can't stand much more. They all believe I got Aunt Lil's money and that I'm a horrible selfish person and Joanna is a wonderful martyr for putting up with me, and . . .' She stopped, her voice going husky as she fought the tears which had alarmingly come close. ' Don't be absurd,' Theo said scornfully. People don's think that.' She turned to look at him. ' It's easy enough 77 for you. You're not going through it. If you knew the sort of hints they drop, the things they say.' She quoted several remarks and saw him frown. ' Don't be childish,' he said crossly. ' You're an absolute egoist. Cilia. You should be ashamed of yourself.' ' Egoist? Me?' She nearly choked. ' An egoist,' he said icily,' is one who values other people's opinions of himself far more than his own knowledge of himself. You know very well why your Aunt Lil left the money as she did. It had little to do with youshe wanted to protect Joanna as well as yourself because she was afraid Paul would gamble away the lot. If she had left it all to you, unconditionally, I wouldn't have been surprised, because Joanna has never been a good niece. Now stop worrying what those gossip-minded people say. I don't believe it, and ...' ' You've been very good to me,' the words tumbled out of her mouth,' taking me out like this, thowing people you don't believe I did it.. .' She stopped abruptly, as his hand shot out and closed round her wrist like an iron bracelet. " What did you say?' he asked coldly. "That I'm most grateful to you for coming to take me out so that people will know you didn't believe the gossip and . . .' 'Wait a moment. Let's get this straight. You think I'm taking you out to clear your name.?' 'Well, you are, aren't you?' Cilia's eyes were wide and innocent. ' I mean, I do appreciate it, Theo. You've been most kind, but. ..' ' You'd rather I didn't?' he asked sarcastically. She went bright red. ' No, I didn't mean that. 78 I have enjoyed myself very much, but . . . but I didn't want to become a ... a burden to you and . . .' ' I see.' He gave what sounded like a sigh and switched on the engine. ' So what do you want to do?' ' I'd like to go awayfar away.' He looked at her. ' You can't, you know that very well. Besides, it would look as if you were admitting your guilt. In any case, have you forgotten that you've promised to look after Anthony for me when I'm away? I was counting on you.' ' I know. Of course I'll look after him,' Cilia said quickly, but as so often happened, she realised that she would never understand the man sitting by her side. He was not the slightest bit concerned or interested in her misery. That didn't matter. He was such a strange manwhen they were dancing or at parties, he was charming, and often she felt that he really enjoyed being with herand then, when they were alone, they were arguing about something or other or else he was asking her to do something for him. That was all she was to him a useful acquaintance. Certainly not a friend. It was two days before she heard from Theo again. An invitation had come for them, but she had made an excuse as she had known she could not ring up Theo and ask him if he would take her after the unkind words he had said. Egoist! Of all things to call her.. If only she wasn't always so clumsy with words when talking to Theo, she thought, so slow in thinking. She was alone having breakfast when he phoned. 79

  As she heard the deep vibrant voice, she grew tense, preparing herself for one of their usual arguments. But he was curt, giving her no time to think. ' Sorry at such short notice, Cilia,' he said. ' I have to be off to South America today. I'll send Anthony over to fetch you.' ' How long will you be away?' Cilia asked breathlessly, for she could hear the impatience in his voice. ' I haven't a clue. I should think his parents will have turned up before I get back.' It was then that Cilia remembered the question she always meant to ask but somehow always forgot to until it was too late. ' Theo . . . Theo,' she said urgently, ' I keep meaning to ask you. How long have I got to stay on the Island? I mean because of the conditions?' He was not even listening. There was a little click showing he had slammed down the receiver impatiently. He was not concerned with her happiness, only with his interests, she thought bitterly. Surely he could have spared the time to answer? Probably he hadn't even heard the question, as the only person he could think of was himself. ' What's that?' Joanna came along the corridor in her dressing-gown, yawning, brushing back her beautiful red hair. ' Theoat this hour? He knows I never get up before twelve.' ' It wasn't for you. He's going to South America and I'm moving into his house to look after Anthony.' ' You'rewhatY Joanna almost shouted. ' Look, you can't do that sort of thing. People will talk.' ' They're talking now,' Cilia shrugged. ' Besides, 80 Theo won't be there, so there won't be anything to talk about.' ' Anthony could have come here. Why didn't Theo think of that? We've known him so long ...' ' Perhaps that's why. He said you told him you hated children. Look, I must pack. I don't know when the car is coming for me.' ' You're not taking your car?' demanded Joanna, giving a little emphasis to the word your. Although at the beginning she had said she hated the car, she was always using it when she could. ' Apparently not. What His Majesty says goes.' His Majesty?' Joanna was puzzled. Cilia laughed and walked by her. ' Isn't that what Theo thinks he is? Someone very important, very special, very selfish indeed.' She hurried down the corridor, not noticing the puzzled look in Joanna's eyes, not realising what her angry words might have betrayed. Cilia was ready and waiting when the car arrived. Anthony was in it and jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped. 'Can I see the dogs?' he asked. Cilia looked at Joanna, for when Paul was away, the dogs were generally in their kennels. ' If you like,' Joanna said curtly, picking up a book but only pretending to read it. Cilia noticed, as it was upside down. Now why was Joanna like that? Cilia could only think she was jealous about everything to do with Theo. Joanna had thought they were such close friends, and now she must be wondering if she had imagined it all. Walking round the back to the two big kennels 81 and the large yard where the Afghan hounds were, Anthony told her about seeing Uncle Theo off in the plane. ' I hoped Mum might arrive, but the plane is late, so maybe when we get home . . . Oh, aren't they great!' he exclaimed, his voice awed as he saw the dogs. They were indeed very beautifulsuch elegant limbs, lovely faces, silky hair. ' Do you take them for walks?' Anthony asked. ' Paul does, mostly,' Cilia told him. Who's Paul?' ' My brother-in-law. My sister's husband.' ' It must be fun having a sister. I wish I had, then we'd have a proper home.' ' Maybe you will one day. Have a brother, I mean,' Cilia told him, and then wondered if she should have said that, for Anthony would be hoping he could have a brother and perhaps be disappointed. They drove to Cilia's temporary home, Seaview, as Theo had called it. She hardly noticed the beautiful scenery or heard Anthony's chatter; she v/as thinking of Theo. How strange and selfish he was! Never once had he invited her into his house. Always they had sat in the garden as if he was determined not to let her become involved in his lifeas if she must be kept as an outsider, an unfortunate and irritating burden he had been given by Aunt Lil. Anthony showed her the house proudly, saying Theo was one of the finest architects in the world. It was a beautiful house, there was no doubt. Cilia thought, as she was shown round. There was a 82

  simplicity about it that made it so different from Joanna's house which, until that moment. Cilia had thought was the mos
t beautiful she had seen. ' Like it?' Anthony asked, smiling up at her as he took her in the rooms with their long glass walls that showed the garden full of flowers, the palm. trees that clustered round the mountain and climbed up the steep slopes as if fighting one another for room or the blue sea pounding on the rocks. The house was lovely with the shining polished floors, the dark rugs, the silk curtains. But of the whole building Anthony was most proud of Theo's studio. Anthony led her round the sloping desks, explaining the drawings as Theo had done. ' Uncle Theo is a clever man,' Anthony said proudly. ' And a very selfish one; he could be cruel and thoughtless, too. Cilia was thinking, but she didn't want to hurt Anthony. ' What's he working on now, Anthony?' she asked. ' A village in South America. They had a terrible time when there was an earthquake and Uncle Theo is trying to rebuild it and making it look as it was, yet being modern. You know what I mean? Uncle Theo says it's hard for them to realise what a proper bath is, or an indoor loo. He believes old people and young must be gradually taught to accept new ideas.' Cilia shook her head. She could not understand Theo. He could be so thoughtless of her, yet concerned with the peasants of a South American village. 83

  'Would you like to see Uncle Theo's therapy?' Anthony asked. ' You do know what therapy is? Uncle Theo says he gets fed up with the-world and the petty obstacles to his work, so he does this to enjoy himself. I'm allowed to touch these paintings,' he added hastily. He pulled out a number of canvases. ' He's a real artist.' Cilia agreed as she looked at the paintings somehow they were so different from what she would have expected from the strong-willed, arrogant, impatient man, for the paintings were peacefulserene, beautiful, amazingly unlike Theo. ' This is good of me,' Anthony said, producing a painting of a hillside with the dogs chasing the horses and Anthony waving as he rode away. ' It is good,' Cilia agreed. Theo was a man of many talents, she thought. Who would ever have thought he was an artist, too? ' He hasn't finished yours yet,' Anthony went on. ' Mine?' Cilia was really startled. Surely Theo wouldn't paint her? Now if it had been her sister with her red hair and lovely skin. Cilia could have understood. But not herself. Anthony led her to an easel. ' Come round,' he invited. She followed him, wondering what sort of painting Theo would have done. She stood and stared and it was as if a cold finger slid down her spine. Was that how he saw her? That girl with the young eager face and long dark hair waving in the breeze that was tossing the palm trees round her? How young she looked 1 How absurdly young with that pointed rock towering above her, making her look even younger than she was. 84

  * It's good, isa't is?' Anthony said proudly. ' But I look so young?' Cilia could not keep the cfeaay out of her voice. * That's your charm,' said Anthony. * My charm?' * Uncle Theo says so. I asked him 'cos I like you. You don't talk to me as if I was a schoolboy. You're caly ten years older than me. Uncle Theo is much older than you. You don't want to marry a man that old, so why not marry me one day?' Cilia smiled. ' Thanks for the compliment, but S'm not sure I want to marry,' she said, and knew Chat it wasn't the truth, for already she had realised faow miserable life alone could be. But it would 6ave to be the right man. ' Uncle Theo isn't keen to marryhe says he travels so much he doesn't think any wife would stand it.' ' She would if she loved him.' Anthony frowned. ' What is love. Cilia? They lecture you at school about sex, but no one ever explains what love is.' He sighed. ' I looked it up in the dictionary and it said liking someone.' ' It's more than liking . . .' Cilia said slowly, looking at the painting of herself. ' I've never been in love, so I don't really know, but I think it's when you hate to be away from that person, when you want him to be happy, when you're only really happy when you're with him.' Anthony led the way to the door. ' That's funny, Cilia, because that's exactly what Uncle Theo said when I asked him.' ' He did?' Cilia was really startled. Somehow she wouldn't have expected Theo to explain what 85 the word meant, and she most certainly would not have expected him to say the same as herself. 'Yes. Look, here are the bedrooms. This is Uncle's.' It was a bedroom with an open door to a bathroom, a wall of glass showing the garden and ocean. There was an austere simplicity about it. The walls were white, so were the curtains and rugs.' This is mine,' Anthony said as they walked on. ' We've all got our own bathrooms. It's a good idea.' Cilia had a glimpse of a similar room next door. This time the colour was palest yellow. Hers was the next. Obviously a guest room, it was more elaborate, with wallpaper on the walls, a mixture of gold and apricot colours, with matching curtains and pink rugs. Her suitcase was on a small table. ' Maybe I should unpack,' she said. Anthony nodded, looking at his wrist watch. ' You've got twenty minutes. I'll go and talk to the dogs. I thought we'd go for a ride laterit's too hot midday,' he explained. ' 'Bye.' ' Goodbye,' said Cilia. After the door had slid to, she went to stand by the window. The view was incredibly lovely. No matter how long you stared at it, the more beautiful it became. The colourthe deep green of the grass, the white beach, the palm trees, many of them bent over as the strong winds had forced them to do It was the most beautiful house she had ever seen, or even dreamed of. A house designed, built and lived in by a bachelorby a man who was a mixture of different good qualities and irritating bad ones. Why, she wondered, as she 86 unpacked her clothes, was it that every time she and Theo were alone together, they began to argue or to snap at one another? Why was Theo so different at times? Which was the real Theo? she wondered. If only she knew!

  CHAPTER IX

  Six weeks were to pass before Cilia was to see Theo again. Not that she would have minded had she been told, for she was still angry with him. Angry because he had made it so plain that he didn't want to get involved in any way with her, so he had never asked her into his houseangry also because when she had thanked him gratefully for going out of his way to help her, he had immediately turned and scolded her for being an egoist. That word she could not forget, and it hurt hurt almost as much as the absurdly young face he had painted of her. Often she stood before a mirror, gazing anxiously at herself. Did she really look so absurdly young? she would ask herself worriedly. The six weeks flew by, for so much happened. She enjoyed her outings with Anthony, but even more enjoyed going home in the cool of the end of the day to Theo's house. Although Theo was not there every room seemed to whisper a memory of the man who, when actually in flesh and blood facing her, made her so angry and confused. If only she could forget him, she would think. But how could she when every brick of the house made her think of him? Life with Anthony had been so pleasant and different from life with Joanna and Paul, where there had always been that icy silence that had upset Cilia and the lonely walks. Suddenly out of the blue and without warning had come Anthony's 88

  mother. Never, Cilia often thought as she remembered that day, would she ever forget the joy on Anthony's face as he raced across the lawn to fling himself at his mother. They had gone in a few days and Cilia had returned, rather reluctantly, to Joanna's house, only to discover, to her surprise and joy, that Joanna had changed completely. Gone was the silent hostility now Joanna would go shopping with her, would entertain and make her feel at ease and wanted. It was at one of their dinner parties that Cilia met Colin Paine. It had been a beautiful night with the moon riding high and the palm trees silhouetted against the night. She had liked him at once, a tall man with short dark hair and a friendly smile. They had sat in the moonlight talking and later danced. When the guests had gone Joanna had teased her. 'Don't say you've fallen for Colin, because he's broken more hearts than anyone on the island,' she &ad said, laughing. There was no question of falling in love with Colin, Cilia thought as the days passed, but she did enjoy going out with him. One day they planned to meet for lunch in Victoria and Cilia had parked her car and was "waiting by the market, crowded as usual with Stoppers while the women selling their fruit and vegetables squatted on the ground and laughed and {Ssstted, Colin was a little late, so Cilia looked^reuad her; it was unlike him. Ufae caught her breath with surprise as she saw ;tfa tall girl with fair hair and the image of an liEafienaaSBMal beauty. It was the girl
who had seen @9 Cilia and Anthony at the airport and promptly rung up Theo to say his nephew had been kidnapped. What was her name? Fiona Renaud, of course 1 She had also turned up one day at Theo's house and demanded to know what Cilia was doing there. Now Cilia gasped, stepping back in the entrance to the restaurant, but it was too late, for it was Theo she had seen, coming out of the shop behind Fiona, and he was staring across the street at Cilia. Cilia moved fast into the restaurantshe and Colin had been there several timesbut Theo moved even faster, crossing the wide street, grabbing her arm. ' What are you doing here?' he asked. ' I told you to look after Anthony, not leave him alone.' ' He's . . .' Cilia began, but TheO was not listening as he hustled her along the street, half carrying her, his voice angry. 'I thought I could trust you to look-after the boy!' He jerked open the door of his car and almost threw her in, slamming the door shut, and telling the Creole chauffeur to get going, as he was in a hurry. Cilia lay back against the seat, completely breathless and so angry she couldn't speak. She closed her eyes. ' Well, haven't you anything to say?' Theo asked angrily. She drew a deep breath and opened her eyes. ' When you give me the chance,' she told him. ' Of all the disgusting, rude, impossible . . . I' She lost her breath again. He was smiling. ' I see. I'm the one who's 90 f misbehaving, am I? Yet isn't it natural that I'm i worried about my nephew? His parents have put him in my care and I ask you to look after him and then I find you romping around the town, not ; caring one bit!' Theo's voice had hardened. ' Hadn't you better explain?' / Her breath back again, her anger a little more under control. Cilia smiled triumphantly. ' Your nephew is now in England.' ' He's what?' For once Cilia saw she had won. Theo was looking startled. ' His parents turned up?' ' His mother did. His father is in hospital in England.' Suddenly Theo was laughing. 'I might have known you weren't the type who'd let me down. I should have known when Fiona said . . .' ' Fiona!' Cilia exclaimed scornfully. ' She came to see you, and did she throw her weight about!' Theo was laughing. ' I can imagine 1 What did she want?' ' You. She was furious because you hadn't written to tell her you were going away.' ' She happened to be away herself. Besides, I haven't time to let everyone know my plans.' ' She seemed to think she had a right to know ...' Cilia began, then stopped, wondering if it was unfair to Fiona to say that, but Theo merely laughed. ' She has some funny ideas, that girl.' ' She's very lovely,' Cilia pointed out. ' To look at, perhaps.' ' Why don't you paint her?' Cilia asked. ' Ohso Anthony showed you my paintings, did he?' 9