A handful of dreams

by Hilary Wilde

  CHAPTER XV

  It was one of the hardest decisions Cilia had ever ' had to make. Perhaps the happiness of Paul and Joanna made her feel her loneliness morealso the , fact that to Theo she meant nothing. No longer his wardno longer had he responsibilities to look after her. He would be glad to be free of such a burden. Colin had phoned her. ' Cilia darling! Admit I've been the most patient man in the world. I want my answer tonight. I'll call for you at seven and after dinner you must tell me. I can't go on like this indefinitely.' ' I know, Colin. You've been so good. It's just that I want to be very sure,' Cilia had told him apologetically. ' I agree all the way. However, surely now your little " but" has been wiped out? I hope so. Goodbye,' he had added, and rang off before she could speak. All that day she had thought, trying to see the good reasons for marrying Colin. He was kind and thoughtful. They never quarrelled. They had the same interests. Surely they could make a happy marriage? She chose of one of her prettiest dresses that night, a pale lemon yellow, the long skirt slit up on either side. Colin looked elegant too in his white jacket suit. ' Well' he said, taking her hands in his and 146 |smiling, ' as I told you once before, you're delect|able, delicious and delightful.' I' They held hands as they walked down to the car. [The warmth of his hand comforted and reassured her. This was a man who loved her dearly, who would never be cruel to her, never make her feel a fool as Theo enjoyed doing. She smiled at Colin, but he lifted his hand. ' NoI don't want to hear until I can take you in my arms,' he said. The drive to the restaurant perched above the foam-flecked rocks was pleasant, though they talked little. The dinner was well cooked. Afterwards they danced. Colin danced well, too, she thought, and knew what she had decided as he suggested they left. He parked the car in their favourite ' tourists' place '. There was a lovely view of the moonlit sea and the palms Cilia loved so much. Colin turned to her and took her in his arms, holding her close, his hand running down her bare arm, his mouth hard against hers. It was the first time he had allowed passion to take charge and his mouth sought out the warm beauty of her lips. But she pushed him away. ' No, Colin, no!' she said, shocked at the horror in her voice, yet aware of the sickness she felt. ' I'm sorry,' she whispered, and her voice quivered. ' I'm terribly sorry. I thought I loved you,but...' He let her go. Then sat back, folding his arms and frowning. ' Why . . .' he began, then said: ' It's Theo Randall, isn't it? Fiona told me. She said you said you hadn't given him up.' 147

  ' No. I meant I wasn't chasing him as she accused me of doing. It isn't Theo,' she lied. ' Oh, Colin, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have kept you waiting. I am so fond of you, but . . .' ' But again! 'he almost spat the word out. ' It happens to us all, I suppose. Anyhow, better we should find out before we're married.' ' Oh, Colin, you're such a darling,' Cilia said, the tears smarting her eyes. ' I tried to love you, but . . .' ' That damn word again,' he growled. ' I'd better take you home.' They hardly spoke as he drove back. He walked across the lawn with her to the house. At the door she said again: 'You're such a darling, Colin. I am sorry.' He kissed her cheek lightly. ' So I am. Goodbye.' Cilia waited while he walked back across the lawn. But he did not look round. She watched the car drive away and then went into the house. Joanna was alone, sprawled on the couch in a grass-green kaftan. ' Hiyou're back early,' she said with a smile. ' What's wrong?' ' I ... I just told Colin I'm sorry but . . .' Cilia began. ' Don't look so miserable. Colin will recover.' ' I know.' Cilia felt even worse because actually she had been feeling sorry for herself and not for Colin! She was selfishly thinking of her own future. Colin was such a darling, but . . . ' What made you know? I was so afraid you were going to marry him,' Joanna asked. 148

  Cilia kicked off her shoes and curled up in an armchair. ' I know it's going to sound daft, but it was the way he kissed me.' ' He'd kissed you before?' Joanna sounded startled. ' Of course, but quite differently. This time it was . . . well . . .' 'Passionate?' Joanna teased, but her eyes were sympathetic. ' It has to be the right one for that, Cilia.' ' Yes, I suppose so.' Cilia was thinking of Theo's kiss, the harshness, the violence, the thrill. ' Where's Paul?' she asked quickly to change the subject. ' Theo is throwing- a stag party. It seems he's going away before we do. All the men have gone, but not the wives.' Joanna laughed, but the words hit Cilia with surprising force. A stag party? Surely a man had that before he was married? Was Theo marrying Fiona then, after all? ' What are you going to do, Cilia? I know you love the island, but you won't stay here after we're gone, will you? Or why not buy our house and run it as a holiday home for children?' Joanna smiled, but Cilia thought of it gravely, for it might be an idea. She loved the Islands and had no desire to go back to Gloucester Road and rainy bus stopsbut the plain truth was, she told herself gravely, she really wanted to stay in the Seychelles because Theo was here. But for how long would he be? Fiona hated the islands and wanted to see the world, according i49

  to Colin. And when they were there on the islands how could Cilia endure the misery of seeing the man she loved married to another woman? Wouldn't it be more sensible to leave? But did one always do the sensible thing? ' I should go back to England if I were you,' Joanna said gently. ' You've always wanted a riding school and then you can visit us. Wait until we've settled down and come and meet your niece.' .' Niece? Are you pregnant? Oh, how marvellous 1' Cilia said eagerly. Joanna laughed. ' We're thrilled, but she has chosen rather the wrong moment. You won't go rushing off, will you? I hoped you'd help me sort things out and pack. The doctor said I mustn't get overtired.' ' Of course I will. Just think, I'm going to be an auntie!' Cilia said happily. As the days passed, and the trunks were packed and with some furniture freighted, other stuff was sold until at last the house was empty and Cilia was saying goodbye to Joanna and Paul at the airport. The days had flashed byor so it seemed to Cilia and after they had gone she went out in her car, which she was going to sell, for a farewell drive round the island. She had booked her flight to Heathrow but was spending the night at a hotel in Victoria. She wanted a last-minute look at this island where she had been both happy and sad; where she had lived in such totally different ways; where she had fallen in love and lost. As she drove slowly up the road that wound round the mountains she looked hungrily at the 150

  beauty of the purple flowers on the creepers that seemed to cling to the trees and everything else they could clutch. It was as if everything had turned out in its most beautiful to say 'farewell. Never had she seen so many birdswith their lovely colours, some with their little red bodies and golden breasts. Never had she seen so many cheeky little monkeys who swung from branch to branch, chattering as if singing a song of farewell. As she stopped to gaze down at the ocean with its lovely colours, Cilia felt very near tears. Anthony had asked her what was love. She had not known, then, but now she knew. Love was not the romantic happiness feeling you read about. Perhaps to a few, but not to her. Love meant a curious mixture of love and hate. Love meant a dismal loneliness that seemed to swamp you, a feeling of despair and helplessness. You loved and he didn't. Could there be anything more painful, more tragic? Was this how Colin had felt? she wondered. She drove back to the town and went to the garage that was buying her car. Then she went to the hotel. How awful it was to be in a hotel alone. She felt everyone was staring at her, wondering who she was and why she was alone. Was she going to go through life alone? Could she ever love another man as she loved Theo? Feeling restless, she wandered down the main street past the market that was always bright with food and fruit and shoppers in bright clothes. A car drove by and caught Cilia's attention. It was a purple car. She knew whose it wasFiona's! 151

  Fiona was driving. She waved to Cilia and smiled. Cilia wavedher hand stopping up in the air as she saw who it was sitting by Fiona's side. Colin! He had not seen her, he was looking the other way. The car passed and Cilia stood very still. Had Colin recovered so quickly? Had he ever really loved her? It was something she would never know. Colin had seemed so sincere, so heartbreakingly sad as they said goodbye, yet already he was out with Fiona.
Cilia wondered if she could recover as fast. Somehow she doubted it. She could not forget Theo. She was trying, so hard. But she had only to shut her eyes to see his face with that square chin, the stubborn mouth, the dark eyebrows, the little curl of hair on the back of his head that refused to lie down. Back in the hotel, she decided to have an early night. Not that she got to sleep any earlier, for she spent most of the evening at the screened window, feeling the refreshingly cool air on her face, looking at the lights of the town and the small twinkling lights from the houses on the mountainsides, mostly hidden by the palm trees. How could she leave the beauty? she wondered. How go back to England to the rain and the cold and the crowds? But go she must. She knew that. In the morning she was driven to the airport. She went to the counter with her ticket. The girl in charge frowned. ' I'm afraid your ticket has been cancelled,' she said. 'Cancelled?' Cilia was startled. ' But that's impossible. I certainly didn't cancel it.' i52

  ' I'm very sorry, but your place has been taken. At the moment, we're very packed.' ' But I want to go today,' Cilia said. ' I'm very sorry, but today we are booked up completely. So we are tomorrow. It's a bad time to book.' ' I know. That's why I booked early.' ' Well, I'm very sorry indeed,' the girl said again. ' But your ticket was definitely cancelled and someone on our waiting list got it. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do to help you.' ' Who cancelled it?' Cilia asked angrily. Who on earth would cancel it? Unless it was one of Fiona's funny jokes. But why should she do such a thing? There was no point in it. ' I'm afraid I don't know,' the girl apologised. ' I wasn't on duty.' ' Can I book here?' asked Cilia. ' We prefer you to book at the town office,' the girl told her. Bewildered, Cilia got herself driven back to the hotel. Here she was luckier. Her room hadn't been taken yet, so her luggage was carried up and she followed in a lift, after a very welcome cup of coffee. As she opened the unlocked door, she stood still in the doorway, shocked into a stiffness that made it hard to breathe. Theo was sitting in the armchair, his legs thrown over the arm, a pipe in his mouth as he read a newspaper. He must have heard the door, for he turned his head, put down his paper and smiled. ' Well,' he drawled. ' Wellwhat?' she asked, closing the door, leani53 ing against it. ' How did you get on? At the airport, I mean?' ' My ticket was cancelled . . .' she began, and stopped. ' How did you know?' He smiled. ' Because I cancelled it.' 'You did? But why?' He stood up and came towards her. She had closed the door. Now she backed against it, but Theo went on moving towards her. ' Why didn't you tell me that you saved my life?' he asked. ' I . . . I . . .' she stammered. ' You did, didn't you? You found me tossing and turning, unconscious on my bed. It was you who sent for the doctor and washed my sweating face with cold water. Right?' ' Yes.' Why was he bringing this up, and what had it to do with cancelling her flight? ' Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let Fiona make me believe she was the one?' ' She told me to get out. That you were going to marry her. Then . . . then . . .' Cilia's cheeks burned, ' I made a stupid mistake. I found a scarf in my car and thought it was yours. That . . . that was my excuse for coming over to see you. Fiona said it was Colin's scarf and I had made it up. I didn't want you to . . . to . . .' ' Think you were chasing me?' He smiled. ' That was the last thing I'd accuse you of.' ' How did you find out?' Cilia leant against the door, very aware of his tall, broad-shouldered body, of his face so near hers. ' Ermyntrude told me. When I said you were going back to England she burst into tears and said i54 you were a good lady and she must tell me the truth. It seems Fiona told Ermyntrude that I must not know you'd come over, because I would be very angry with you and I would also sack Ermyntrude. She said you'd been very worried for me. Were you?' he asked quietly, his eyes bright as he watched her mobile, self-betraying face. ' Of course I was. You were terribly ill.' ' The doctor said I would have died. Why did you bother to save my life when you were constantly telling me you hated me?' ' I didn't ... I mean . . . well, we always seemed to fight and . . . Why did you cancel my plane flight?' His hands were on her shoulders, running down her arms. Cilia shivered with joy, but tried to keep her face calm. ' I'm still your trustee, still here to protect yeu,' he said in the pompous voice she had once hated but now loved. ' I think it would be a mistake to go back to London. After all, I did promise Aunt Lil to keep a eye on you.' ' I heard ... I heard you had a stag party. So you are going to marry Fiona?' ' I'm getting married, but not to Fiona.' His arms were round her now, she could feel his breath on her cheek as he spoke. ' Then who?' she gasped. He smiled. ' Youif you'll have me,' he told her. Her mouth fell open and he closed it gently with his fingers. When he released her lips, she whispered, ' What did you say?' ' Something wrong with your ears?' he teased. 155 ' If you'll have me. Is it true what your sister says? She rang me last night and told me I was a fool, because she knew I loved you. She told me the time of the plane you were catching, so first thing this morning I cancelled your booking. She told me we were two idiots and that we seemed to find it impossible to communicate.' ' Joanna told you?' Cilia said slowly, remembering the previous evening when Joanna had asked her to run outside and get something from the garage. It must have been then that she phoned Theo. Theo let her go and turned away. .He brought out from behind the bed a large square parcel done up in brown paper. He removed the paper and held it for her to see. It was the painting of herself that Anthony had shown her. But it was different. The girl with the long dark hair no longer looked so young. She had laughing eyes and an amused mouth. She was no longer a child. She had become a woman young, but nevertheless a woman. ' That's how I see you, Cilia. You always snapped at me and I was fool enough to believe you disliked me. Remember the way you nearly bit my head off when I came over to ask you to exercise the horses? It was just an excuse to get you to my house.' ' I thought you were just making use of me.' ' I love you. Do you love me?' he asked, and suddenly she was in his arms, his mouth on hers as he carried her to the armchair, sat down and held her close. His mouth demanded her love. Cilia lay with her eyes closed, her mouth responding to 156

  his, her arms round his neck as she gently pulled the little curl. The kiss of love, she thought happily. ' On our honeymoon, we'll call in and see Anthony, and later on, Paul and Joanna. You won't mind travelling everywhere with me?' ' I don't mind where we go so long as we're together.' ' That makes two of us,' he said, and kissed her again. ' I was thinking we must give the cats some money,' Cilia said dreamily. Theo laughed. ' I guessed-you'd say that. How happy Aunt Lil must be!" 157