His eyes dart above my head and he mutters, “I was more than glad to.”
“Why?”
He snaps, “He was leering at you all night. I wanted to break his fucking nose.”
I gasp in disbelief. “Finn!”
He tightens his arm around me. “Becks, trust me. I was watching him for a while.”
“I thought you were watching me?”
“I was watching you and whoever was watching you,” he meanders.
“That’s crazy. He’s my trainer.”
“He wants to be more than your trainer. If he looked at you the way he did and we weren’t at your best friend’s wedding, I would’ve punched him.” The look in Finn’s eyes is resolute and determined. Is he really that serious?
“You can’t punch someone out for just looking at me.”
“He wasn’t just looking at you, Becks. I virtually read his damn thoughts. He wants my girlfriend and there’s no way in hell he’s getting you.”
“He won’t. I don’t even like him that much, but he said he wants to be friends.”
He bleakly laughs and rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Friends. Sure. And high altitudes scare the shit out of me.”
I roll my eyes at him in return. “He wanted to be friends since our best friends were getting married. That’s all. I don’t want him. Just like I don’t want Rod. We’re only friends.”
“I can see you and Rodwell being friends more than you and that asshole.” This is not the mood I wanted before asking him to marry me.
“Don’t worry about Shane. The wedding is over and I only have to see him at the gym; although, he doesn’t want to see me until I have a checkup.”
“Why?”
“He thinks I’ve lost weight. That’s the point of going to the gym, isn’t it?”
“I’ve noticed it, too, Becks.” His gaze drops to my body, and his hands explore my waist and hips, evaluating me.
Sighing, I grab his hand again and twirl away from him, dancing back into the water, and pulling him with me.
“Roll up your jeans,” I instruct, kicking into the surf.
“I’m good.”
“What? You’re paranoid a Finnatic will see you and think you’re not cool?”
He laughs and his white teeth gleam even in the dim glow of the overhead lighting behind us, which also casts a blonde halo in his mystical hair. “Yeah. Something like that.” He follows me into the ankle-deep, sudsy water.
“Come on, Jiminy,” I taunt.
He yanks on my hand, halting me. “Oh. You think you’re funny?”
Not able to look at him without giggling, I look ahead and say, “I am.” Suddenly, Sparks scoops me up out of the water, making me loudly squeal. I tightly put my arms around his neck and pray he isn’t going to throw me in. I might lose the ring and the water is too cold. Instead, he dips in and gives me a long, persistent kiss, nearly compelling me to forget about my plan and for us to go back to our room, instead. His hair brushes against my forehead in the cool, ocean breeze. Reaching up, I bury my hand into his hair and deepen our kiss, his light goatee scraping against my skin, which is still sensitive from his earlier enthusiastic kisses. I needed this. It’s calming my nerves for the moment. I drop my hand and slip it into his sweatshirt to pull out his necklace. Holding onto his key, I feel his smile in our kiss.
Sparks whispers on my lips, “I love you to the stars, Becks.”
I dreamily smile against his lips. “I love you beyond, Sparks.” We give each other one more kiss and then he sets me down. When he does, the nerves return worse than before, and I shake like Morgan did before the ceremony, so I take a couple deep breaths as I had instructed her to do. From behind me, Finn is oblivious to the chaos going on within me. He encircles his arms around me and kisses the side of my head as we gaze out into the watery darkness.
I take another deep breath and say, “You’re my soulmate.”
His chuckle vibrates through my back. “I am,” he states, stealing my earlier reply. Even though it’s a game for us, I don’t laugh this time.
“Always?”
“Always.”
“How much do you love me?”
He quietly says against my temple, “I just showed you…and told you, Becks, when we made love. And don’t you dare say I only fucked you. You know it was more than that, baby. It always is. I felt our love between us, didn’t you?”
I nod against his head, his beard scratching me. He says, “I also came here to surprise you because I knew how much you wanted me by your side.” He’s making my speech easier than I thought.
I say, “We’re a couple and I do want you by my side forever.” He doesn’t reply, but he finds my hand and holds it in his. I swallow to open my closing throat before I turn around. He lets go of me, thinking we’re going to walk somewhere else, but I only walk out of the water to dry sand, feeling so sick. I don’t even know how to do this. When I look back at him, he’s regarding me suspiciously. I suppose I am acting somewhat cagey. Okay, a lot.
I clear my throat and decide to go with the obvious. “We’ve been together for three years.”
He arches a dark eyebrow and tentatively says, “Yeah…”
“I know how you feel about…things, but you also know how I feel.” He instantly peers at the ground, starting to look uncomfortable and possibly, on the edge of alarm, which was expected.
I have to keep going.
Lifting my sweatshirt, I take out the black box, almost dropping it as I open it. At the sound of the creaking lid, Finn looks up. The silver edges of the ring gleam around the black center. I glance around us and say, “Honestly, I don’t know how to do this.” I fall to my knee in the sand and that’s when his eyes and body freeze.
Shit.
I have to get through this fast before I lose him completely. “I love you, Finnigan Robert Wilder. Always. With every single beat of my heart. I want you to be forever mine and only mine. Just as I’m only yours. Please tell me you’ll take this gigantic leap of faith with me and truly mean it. This is it, Sparks. I won’t ask you again. My only want is for you to be my husband and for me to be your wife.” Breathing deeply, I take my own leap of faith. “Finnigan, I’m giving you the ultimate dare. Will you really marry me?”
My proposal echoes that of the ring’s inscription:
I dare you to marry me.
I watch as his eyes go through every emotion I think exists, except for the one I’m looking for. Hopefully, it’s still in there somewhere. The only other overt move his body makes is his jaw alternating between tightening and slackening. I don’t even see him breathing.
“Sparks?” He doesn’t respond, which is scaring me. Still on my knee holding the box out, I quietly ask, “Aren’t you going to say anything?” His intent stare bores into me, yet I have no idea what’s going through his head. Does he want to bolt like Morgan wanted to earlier? Does he want to jump up and down as he squeals like a girl? Does he want me to get up and stop embarrassing him for a change? The only answer I’m getting is the sound of the ocean. It had sounded soothing. Now, it sounds condescending.
He finally whispers, “Becks.” I fearfully peer up at him, waiting for him to say more, but he stays silent as he continues to gape.
My voice shakes. “Finn?” My heart is thundering in my ears as I beg, “Please say something.”
He blinks and his eyes fly around me. “I… I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“Why really? You said we could get engaged.”
“Yeah, but you’re engaged means something entirely different than mine.”
I retort, “Yours is slightly askew.” He cringes and bows his head. I reason, “I gave you time.”
He mumbles to the sand, “Not enough.”
And then I feel it. The knife. The familiar stab cuts through me, and rejection floods my body like a dam breaking, reminding me of the club in front of all those Finnatics shrouded over him. However, this is 1,000 times worse.
Licking my salty, dr
y lips as the tears threaten, I hoarsely ask, “Are you turning down my dare? Are you saying no?”
He stays mute. Needing him to verbalize his answer, I restlessly probe again, “Is this a no?” I watch him struggle as he bites his lip and closes his eyes since this is obviously something he doesn’t want to face. What the hell is going through Finn Wilder’s mind and heart right now? Doesn’t he love me? He said he does, but can I trust him with saying that?
When he finally pops his eyes open, his internal battle is gone, his expression is determined and his voice is resolute. “Yes, Becks. It’s a no.”
His answer misleads me and I have to strive to comprehend what he just said. When it gradually sinks in, I gasp and look down at the ring. How could I have been so incredibly stupid to think he would change his mind because I bought him a piece of jewelry and got down on my knee? Why would this piece of metal mean anything to him? He’d rather see me on my knees to give him a blow job, not for a promise of a future with me.
I wipe the tears that have streaked my face while Finn is quiet. He’s not even going to apologize for balking at my proposal? I knew very well that this was a huge probability —him saying no—but for him to actually reject me is entirely different than just imagining it. Still, I was hoping and praying he’d say yes, and right now we’d be hugging, kissing, and crying happy tears. Maybe we’d even go back upstairs and make love again to celebrate.
I snap the box shut and squeeze it in my fist until I feel it buckling. I glance up at him. “You’re really saying no?” He doesn’t make me relive it again as he doesn’t reply. His hands are in his pockets and he glowers at the sand between us, circumventing my eyes. Despairingly, I state, “You said you wanted to be my husband.”
At the ground, he mumbles, “Becks.”
“What?” I bite. “I guess that was another one of your lies?”
He meekly answers, “No.”
I dismally laugh and shake my head. “You’re so good at saying that word.” Standing, I impulsively stuff the box into my pocket and grab my shoes.
He finally raises his head. “Where are you going?”
“Anywhere, but here.” I didn’t think I’d feel like this. I have to be the most idiotic woman on the planet to think that this wouldn’t have deep repercussions on our relationship. How can we go back to normal after he turned down my official proposal?
He snags my arm and stops me. “Wait.”
I choke on a sob. “I’ve waited long enough. I’m tired of waiting for you to grow up.”
“You knew how I felt. Why did you put yourself into this position?”
I whip around to face him. “And you knew how I felt! How could you not move from yours?” I put my hand on my chest and shout, “Why do I have to give up everything? I’ve changed so much in my life for you, but you won’t do me any favors! I went off the Pill for you! I agreed to move in with you without marriage! I gave up waiting for you to truly propose to me! I gave up having your kids because that’s not what you want! What are you giving up, Finn? A ball and chain? Dirty diapers?” I fight to not cry harder, but I’m losing. I swallow more sobs and shriek, “Oh, those aren’t ever happening! So, nothing! You’re giving up nothing for me!”
He drops his hand from my arm, puts it on his hip, swinging his other arm out and barks, “I’m giving up a better-paying job in a bigger market to stay in Richmond with you!” He might as well have punched me in the face and hit a line drive to my stomach all at once.
My hand flies to my mouth, choking back vomit and more cries. “I never said you had to!” As I sob, my stomach muscles cramp underneath my bruise. The pain there still isn’t as bad as the pain in my heart. Again, he lied when he said I wasn’t keeping him from taking the job.
I suddenly turn to leave, but he blocks me and grabs my upper arms, holding me prisoner in my misery. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“You didn’t what? Want to admit that you lied to me again? You said I wasn’t holding you back! And before that, you refused to marry me!” I lower my head and as I cry harder, I garble, “Where does that leave us now?”
“Becks, don’t—” I glance up to his terrified expression. Why would he be afraid? Finn Wilder isn’t afraid of anything not worth fighting for. Like that fucking bridge.
Well, maybe I’m not worth it.
“I need to get away from you. Morgan’s right.”
He guardedly asks, “About?”
“She said you’re only going to keep breaking my heart!” I bury my face in my hands and yell, “I’m such a fucking idiot!”
His grip tenses and I feel him shaking his head. “No, no, you’re not. It’s me, baby.”
I snap my head up. “Oh, so it is you and not me?” I sarcastically seethe.
He nods and bluntly replies, “It’s all me.”
I growl, “You’re so fucking confusing. You make my damn head spin.” I jerk my arms, but he won’t relent.
His eyes are wide and continue to scour my face. “Stay here.”
“Why? I just proposed with a ring and you rejected me. I’m such a stupid moron to think you would change your mind.” I swallow the bile rising in my throat.
Finn tilts his head close to my face and urgently asks, “You’re not. I want so fucking much to say yes to you, but I can’t.”
I morosely look at him. “So again, you’re turning me down. Nice.” I vainly yank my arm and tearfully plead, “Let me go, Finn.”
His voice is undecidedly wobbly as he says, “No, because if I do, I think I really am letting you go.”
I snap, “Then, at least you got laid one last time!” As that cold statement leaves my mouth, I gasp for air and crumple to the sand, bringing him down with me.
“Becks, no! No! That’s not true. Don’t let it be.”
Sitting in the sand, I bring my knees up so I’m curled into a ball, wheezing as I slip my arm around myself to hold my aching stomach. He drapes over my body and holds onto me so that we’re a huddled mass. He whispers, “Baby, we’ll work through this. I promise, I’ll get there. I just won’t promise you that I’ll marry you soon when I know I can’t.” He lays his forehead on my shoulder as I shake us both with my weeping. He keeps whispering empty promises and maybe more lies. “I love you so much. I need you in my life. I can’t live without you. You’re my Becks. I’ll never love anyone else. You’re my best friend.”
My mind is jumbled as I contemplate what to do next. I thought I would just mope back to my apartment, but this feels so much more devastating than I thought it would. This feels final.
We’re quiet with only the sounds of the waves crashing and our close breathing surrounding us. “Baby, talk to me. Yell at me. Knock me on my ass. Just don’t go.” He takes an unsteady breath. “Becks, you’re my life. Without you, I’m nothing. We have to be okay. Please tell me you still love me.”
I sniff, and wipe my cheeks and nose on my hand. Abruptly, I shift and he hesitantly moves off me, watching me, panicked, as I stand. “Becks, where are you going?”
“I’m leaving.”
“Me?” I give him a pointed look and notice his beautiful brown eyes are reflecting the light, making them shine. Is Finn Wilder going to cry? No. He would never shed a tear for me. He coolly turned down my proposal without blinking an eye.
“I don’t know.” As I walk past him, he clips my hand, but I elude his grasp and run to the hotel for my car keys.
Outside of the lobby, I quickly put my shoes on, rush to the elevator and repeatedly hit the call button, as if that really helps speed things along. I get to my room and hurriedly dump what I can into my suitcase, leaving what I don’t need. Right now, I just want to get out of here.
I run over to the window and I can see a huddled figure still sitting on the sand in the distance. He actually stayed there. Feeling somewhat less frantic, I finish packing. I toss my room key on the table and head to my car. I don’t even know where I can go. I need a day or two. Before I leave the lot, I make a decision and
call my dad to tell him I’m on my way. I don’t care if it’s more than four hours away from here. I’ll drive all night to get as far away as I can from Finn and my broken heart.
From the ultimate dare to the ultimate rejection.
Beckett is down for the count.
CHAPTER 24
FINN
“Finnigan, I’m giving you the ultimate dare. Will you really marry me?”
Holy fuck, Becks!
No. She’s not doing this.
I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t even blink. My world has come to a screeching halt. All I am capable of doing is to stare at my girlfriend, who is on bended knee offering me a ring and asking me to marry her, and for me to actually do it. I’m so fucking torn. I’m the man. I should be the one begging her to marry me, yet I won’t. I can go through the motions, but not through the vows. I can’t believe Becks went out, bought a ring and planned this. Is this another way of giving me an ultimatum? She knows how I feel. We’ve talked about it so much lately that it’s a damned broken record. Yes. I was going to propose to her at my mom’s after our fight, and I truly was considering going to the altar with her, but my mom and stepdad’s divorce has changed all of that for me. Now, if I were ever to propose, it’d just be an in-name-only kind of thing, for now at least. And just like our fight in front of my apartment, I was going to ask her then, too, but actually making our relationship legal and binding before God, I’m not anywhere near ready for that, and I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be that close again. I can’t risk losing her, but her proposing puts me right into that very predicament. I can’t win!
How am I supposed to fucking respond to this and not fuck up our relationship?
This is my fucking nightmare.
Damn it, Becks!
“Sparks? Aren’t you going to say anything?” My bemused gaze focuses on Becks holding the black box, and I nearly spiral out of my mind all over again. With her frizzy braids from vigorously making love to me and her even wearing an old sweatshirt, she looks so beautiful. So…hopeful.
Igniting the Wild Sparks Page 41
