Could I say yes? Can I marry her? I know I’d love being married to Becks. I do want to be her husband. Shit! It’s ripping my fucking heart out I want it so much!
What’s my biggest problem of all? I’m scared. That’s what it all boils down to. Even though I can deny it until I’m blue in the face, I’m a fucking pussy like Pam says. I’m not as valiant or daring as people think, yet I don’t care about everyone else’s opinion. I only care about one paralegal’s thoughts and consequently, hers are what I fear the most. I don’t want her to know how utterly afraid I am. It’s not the commitment because I already am committed to her. Hadley Beckett owns me: heart, body and soul. I have a permanent reminder of my commitment to her over my heart. It’s more than any wedding ring could represent. What scare me are the indefinite possibilities. They usually don’t, but in my personal life with Becks, I’m terrified of what could happen to us. I want to know exactly what we’re in for in our future. Divorce isn’t an option for me. I won’t do it. Would Becks?
Needless to say, her love is what I live for. I don’t know how I got through my life before I met her. I want to drop to my knees and kiss her, while I tell her yes over and over. I’d wipe away her elated tears, as she’d have to wipe away mine, too. I’d then let her put the ring on my finger, listening to her tearfully giggle if she couldn’t get it on, and then kiss her again. After that, I’d sweep her up and happily yell to everyone still on the beach that we’re engaged and I’m her fiancé. We’d call everyone in our phone contacts and both tell them together, not caring it’s midnight. We’d gaze at the ring and our physical pledge to get married soon. We’d go up to our room and make love again because I know I’d want to reaffirm my love for her. I’d then put the greatest spin on it by proposing to her days later with a ring of my own.
Maybe in an alternate universe where I was a worthy enough man to marry her. Becks was right at the tennis court, there’s no doubt about that. I’m a 100%, grade-A prick.
Unable to fully speak, I huskily whisper, “Becks.” Her expression is so anxious. I don’t know what I can say to her. She really does want me to commit to marrying her; however, as much as I am committed to her, I can’t commit to the institution of marriage.
“Finn? Please say something.”
Snapping out of my trance, I study her sweet face. Is she going to make me say the word she doesn’t want to hear? Can’t she read it on my face? “I… I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
Her eyes flicker over me in puzzlement. “Why really? You said we could get engaged.”
“Yeah, but your engaged means something entirely different than mine.”
She derisively replies, “Yours is slightly askew.” I know it is, Becks. I’m so fucked up. She inserts, “I gave you time.”
I can’t look into her eyes as I conclusively admit, “Not enough.”
I know I’m breaking her heart. It’s breaking mine, too. I want to be the man she deserves. I want to be the man to give her everything she wants. I’m trying. I really am. I’ve given in to one of her desires. She already knows what I’ve been doing. I just don’t want to confirm that I am.
My attention is jerked back to her when she anxiously asks, “Are you turning down my dare? Are you saying no?”
I don’t know what to say. I’m praying that I find the courage to be honest with her, yet I can’t even be honest with myself. On the other hand, after I met Becks, that’s when I started dreaming about marrying her. Nevertheless, I can’t and now I want to marry her more than ever.
She impatiently demands, “Is this a no?” She’s going to make me give her the straight-up answer? She can’t see me losing it here?
I close my eyes to shut everything out. I don’t want to break her heart, but I can’t set her up for an even more massive disappointment by saying I’ll marry her, and then not follow through. I think that would be worse.
Fuck. How in the hell am I going to do this?
I don’t know, but I have to.
I open my eyes. Becks is so defeated.
I’m so sorry, baby. I love you. Please forgive me…again.
I have to give her the truth since I’ve told her enough lies.
Inhaling to gather breath and courage to not promise her something that I can’t guarantee, I say, “Yes, Becks. It’s a no.”
She rapidly blinks, but that’s all she does. I want to hold her and tell her I’m so sorry. I want to explain why I can’t marry her, yet she already knows all of this. She just doesn’t know the depth of my fear. It’s keeping me from giving us both what we want more than anything.
Becks takes a sudden breath of air and looks down at the ring. That’s when I really see it for the first time. The light is shadowy here, but it appears to be black because it blends in with the black velvet around it. Light reflects off the sides, making them look silver. Very cool and something I would’ve picked out myself. Shit. I bet she even has it engraved with something meaningful. I hate my fucking self!
She shuts the box and I hastily look away again, hearing it creak and snap. I’m so sorry, Becks. Damn it! I stare at the sand because I can’t face her. I’m such a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. It’s probably all the better for her if I’m not her husband since I’m a fucking dumbass, like Ricky says. Ricky is going to murder me when I tell him what I did. If Ricky had met Becks first, he would’ve married her by now. The hard part would’ve been as his best man at their wedding, I would’ve had to watch the woman I was in love with become his bride.
“You’re really saying no?” she asks, and I hear the devastation in her voice. I can’t repeat my answer. I already told her once. I wish a bolt of lightning would hit me right now. Maybe it’d make me a normal guy who would jump at the chance to marry his girl.
She disconsolately accuses, “You said you wanted to be my husband.” I know what I said.
“Becks.” I wish I could make her understand, but I don’t understand myself, either.
“What?” she snaps. “I guess that was another one of your lies?”
Not having a rational answer that she’d accept, I miserably reply, “No.” That’s not a lie. I’m merely a fucking asshole.
She grimly laughs. “You’re so good at saying that word.” I hear her shuffling in the sand and I look up to see her tucking the box back into her jeans pocket and grabbing her shoes.
“Where are you going?” Becks, don’t leave.
“Anywhere, but here.”
I leap, grabbing her arm in time. “Wait.”
She tries desperately not to cry and it slays me because I’m the reason she’s crying. She emits, “I’ve waited long enough. I’m tired of waiting for you to grow up.” Oh, fuck. This is an ultimatum.
I argue, “You knew how I felt. Why did you put yourself into this position?”
Spinning around, she angrily glares at me. “And you knew how I felt! How could you not move from yours?” She stops to regain her composure, but doesn’t truly because she yells, “Why do I have to give up everything? I’ve changed so much in my life for you, but you won’t do me any favors! I went off the Pill for you! I agreed to move in with you without marriage! I gave up waiting for you to propose to me and mean it! I gave up having your kids because that’s not what you want! What are you giving up, Finn? A ball and chain? Dirty diapers?” She cries and gasps as she squawks, “Oh, those aren’t ever happening! So, nothing! You’re giving up nothing for me!”
Nothing? She thinks I’m giving up nothing? My hand falls from her arm. She doesn’t realize what I’ve sacrificed for her or am actively trying to give her!
My hand goes to my hip and before I can stop myself, I divulge, “I’m giving up a better-paying job in a bigger market to stay in Richmond with you!” She is surprised at first, but then she scrunches up her face and covers her mouth with her hand. Son-of-a-bitch. My fucking mouth. I shouldn’t have told her that.
Becks cries, “I never said you had to!” Her other hand goes to her stomach and I glance d
own. Her bruise has been bothering her for weeks now. Maybe it’s because I can’t keep from hammering my cock into her every time we’re alone.
She goes to leave and I bound in front of her, clutching her arms to stop her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—” mean to be a raving jerk.
“You didn’t what? Want to admit that you lied to me again? You said I wasn’t holding you back! And before that, you refused to marry me!” Her shoulders slump, and her head falls as she loses the battle to not lose it. Through her sobs she asks, “Where does that leave us now?” No. She can’t be alluding to what I think she is. We’re not over. She’s can’t hold me to saying yes or we’re done, yet there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her go. I’m fucked.
“Becks, don’t—” She looks up and her distraught gaze takes on a glint of surprise. Why? What is she thinking now? Her expression is only fleeting because she again is miserable.
She states, “I need to get away from you. Morgan’s right.” What is Morgan right about? Did she tell Becks what she saw?
I cautiously ask, “About?” I will kill Morgan if she told Becks. She said she’d give me a month.
“She said you’re only going to keep breaking my heart!” She hides her face in her hands and yells, “I’m such a fucking idiot!”
Holding her arms tightly, I adamantly shake my head. “No, no, you’re not. It’s me, baby.”
Becks looks up at me. “Oh, so it is you and not me?” she asks mockingly.
I nod and truthfully say, “It’s all me.” Everyone will tell you that.
She angrily grumbles, “You’re so fucking confusing. You make my damn head spin.”
Becks tries to escape, but I hold onto her. I have to hold on. I beg, “Stay here.”
“Why? I just proposed with a ring and you rejected me. I’m such a stupid moron to think you would change your mind” She closes her eyes and turns her head away from me. She can’t be breaking up with me. Is she actually going to put marriage as a requirement now? Is my mother right? Fucking hell.
I angle my head and step closer to her, on the brink of hysteria. “You’re not. I want so fucking much to say yes to you, but I can’t.”
She glares at me. “So again, you’re turning me down. Nice.” She tries to wriggle out of my grip, but can’t and she mournfully implores, “Let me go, Finn.”
I tensely say, “No, because if I do, I think I really am letting you go.”
“At least you got laid one last time!” Panting heavily, she unpredictably falls to the ground and since I won’t let go of her, I go down with her. Last time? Oh, shit! She can’t mean that!
My heart is thundering. “Becks, no! No! That’s not true. Don’t let it be.”
Becks cowers beneath me with her knees close to her chest and I bind my arms around her so she can’t escape. My mouth is next to her ear and I whisper, “Baby, we’ll work through this. I promise, I’ll get there. I just won’t promise you that I’ll marry you soon when I know I can’t.” I kiss the side of her head and rest my forehead on her shoulder, hoping she heard what I said since she’s crying so hard. I rub my hands over her long-sleeved arms as I hold onto her. Even though she might not hear everything I tell her, I lift my head and softly say, “I love you so much. To the stars. I need you in my life, baby. I’m trying to give you what you want, but I need more time. We’ll be stronger. I can’t live without you. You’re my Becks. I’m so in love with you and I’ll never love anyone else. You’re my best friend, sweetheart.”
She doesn’t respond to anything I said. Is it too late? No. It’ll never be too late. It can’t be…
Becks’ crying stops and I listen to her steadying breaths. Kissing her temple, I again beg, “Baby, talk to me. Yell at me. Knock me on my ass. Just don’t go.” The thought of her leaving yanks at my damn heart.
I inhale, unsure if I’m able to speak what else is on my mind. “Becks, you’re my life. Without you, I’m nothing. We have to be okay. Please tell me you still love me.”
Becks suddenly pushes herself up and my arms unexpectedly fall. I sit back in the sand, staring up at her. Should I try to stop her again? Do I stay down here and propose to her; though, I don’t think she’s in any mood to hear that question from me at present. Without a single doubt, she’d kick me in the balls, yet that won’t hurt as much as watching her in pain, or more than the throbbing in my heart.
I anxiously ask, “Becks, where are you going?”
“I’m leaving.” What? Is she only leaving the beach? Or me?
“Me?” Please, Becks. Give me a month to get my shit together.
The look in her eyes is barbed, cutting me and making my own eyes water.
“I don’t know.” I reach up for her, but she yanks her arm away from me and takes off running for the hotel. I want to chase after her, but I think I should leave her alone for a while. I’m only going to make it worse by pleading with her to stay on the beach with me. However, I will have to talk to her soon, after we’ve both had some time to ourselves.
I blink to clear my eyes and I blow out a hard sigh. Hanging my arm over my knee, I twist to stare out at the dark water.
That kiss. Cara had no right to do that, but she did… And I kissed her back. I feel so guilty. I don’t know why I did. It just happened. It was almost like a knee-jerk reaction. The kiss only lasted for a few seconds before I jerked away from her. It meant nothing. Her lips didn’t even feel right. They’re not the ones I love kissing and that get my heart racing. After the kiss, I immediately started packing up my things and told her I was taking her back to work. On the way there, I set her straight.
“Cara, that can’t happen again.”
“I think you wanted it to. You kissed me back, Finn.”
“I didn’t mean to. You know I have a girlfriend.”
“Aren’t you two having problems? Every time I see you, you’ve had a fight with her.”
“We have our problems. Who doesn’t? We’re working on them. I’m in love with Hadley.”
“I don’t think she loves you as much. You haven’t seen the way she’s been acting when you’re not around.”
“Stop! I love her. We’re working out our issues. This can’t get back to her, so please, don’t tell her. If I feel the need to, I will.”
“Finn, nothing happened really. We kissed. That’s all. I won’t say anything, but I think you need to re-evaluate things with her. Obviously you’re not happy.”
“I am happy.”
The incident should’ve ended there, but it didn’t. When I was at a red light, I checked my texts and saw one from Morgan. She wanted me to meet her in her office ASAP. It was regarding Becks. So, I dropped Cara off and headed over to the law firm. I was irritated. Why couldn’t she just call and tell me what was going on?
When I got to the building, security let me go right up. I didn’t have to try and persuade them this time, either. However, they were eager to ask me several questions about my upcoming BASE jump in October. I answered some, but then told them I had a meeting I was going to miss. I had never been to Becks’ office and when I got up to her floor, I stopped at the reception desk where Rhonda greeted me, chatting for a minute before she called Morgan. I was then directed to her office. I looked on the doors as I walked down the hall to see if Becks’ name was on any of them, but it wasn’t.
“Shut the door, Finn.”
“What’s going on?”
“Well, Hadley is with Rod. She’s being his friend. I should be asking what’s going on with you and your…friends.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was in the coffee shop, Finn. I saw you and Cara kissing.”
“What? I didn’t see you.”
“Of course you didn’t because then you wouldn’t have kissed that whore.”
“Morgan, she kissed me.”
“I saw you kiss her back, Wilder! Now you’re going to lie to me? No way! I don’t think so. My job is to know when people are lying to me. Don’t give me that bullshit!”<
br />
“Look. It was a huge mistake. I kissed her for two seconds. It was a mindless reflex. I swear to God it was.”
“You do this in addition to what you did yesterday, which was a royal fuck up. You might as well have kicked her bruise and then smashed all of her teeth in! How could you announce that you’re going to jump that damn bridge on live TV?”
“She knows?”
“Fuck, yes! I saw your declaration and I told her to watch it online. She’s fucking shattered! Why haven’t you talked to her since then?”
“I’ve been—”
“Fucking Cara?”
“No! It was just that one kiss and it was a damn mistake! I’m not doing anything else with her!”
“You were kissing another woman! Cara of all people! That bitch has you in her sights!”
“No, she doesn’t. We’re just friends.”
“Are you really that stupid? I wouldn’t kiss Greg Rodwell like that for a billion. She wants to fuck you. I’m telling you what, Finn. If you think you’re going to fuck Cara on the side while fucking Hadley over, you have another thing coming!”
“I’m not fucking Cara! I don’t want her!”
“Yeah, but you are fucking Hadley, so that’s why it matters. A month ago, I warned you once about breaking Hadley’s heart, but I’m going to take your word for it this time. However, there’s a catch.”
“What?”
“You have a month to propose to her.”
“Fine! I’ll do it!”
“Oh, no, no, no, coach. I know what you’re thinking. You’ll ask her and then drag her around like a dog tied to a car’s rear bumper. I will watch to see if you actually make good on the engagement. No fucking around with her. Once you propose, the second clock starts ticking. If she complains once that you’re stalling, the deal’s off and I’m telling her about the kiss myself.”
“Don’t you think she’ll be mad at you for keeping it from her?”
Igniting the Wild Sparks Page 42
