The Worst of Me

by Lisa J. Hobman

  She nodded and fell silent for a moment. “Oh. I ... I see.”

  “You could help me?”

  She shook her head and waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, I don’t—”

  “Hey, bring Cam. There’ll be a Chinese take-out in it for you. I hear the one in the village is really good.”

  She smiled and nodded. “It is. Okay. I’ll ask him.”

  Before leaving the store Nick ordered a mattress and selected some crisp new bedding and throw blankets for the cottage and then they made their way down to the back entrance of the store where they had left the car. Once all of Nick’s purchases were loaded on board they climbed into the front and slammed the doors, closing out the freezing temperature. Cat started the engine and turned the heaters up full.

  As they set off Nick turned in his seat to face her. “So…I have to see your GP then?”

  Cat cringed and glanced at him. “I promised that nice paramedic. He was really sweet. Very concerned for you.”

  He nodded, knowing he had to do something. “Yeah. I need to get things sorted, I suppose.”

  “You really do. It must be quite scary going through all of that.”

  He turned to gaze out of the window at the buildings and shoppers as they passed. “The first time it happened I thought I was dying. And then I heard people saying things about heart attacks. Scared the shit out of me.”

  He saw her shocked reaction in his periphery. “Shit. I can imagine.”

  He fidgeted in his seat, suddenly aware of his own vulnerability. “I’ve…I’ve always been quite a together person. You know? Nothing fazed me. But…but lately things have changed. I’ve changed. A few weeks ago I woke up in a hotel room surrounded by empty bottles and with a naked woman beside me who I couldn’t even remember sleeping with.”

  A look of disgust quickly replaced the concern on her face. “Ugh! I really don’t wish to know. That’s dis—”

  “Disgusting, yes! Exactly my reaction. But why now? Why was that day different than any other? That was the day I had my first attack.” Cat remained silent and stared ahead at the road leaving Nick’s shame hanging in the air between them. “You’re judging me again.”

  There was a sharp intake of breath. “What? No I’m not. What you do in your sordid little life is nothing to do with me.”

  “And calling my life sordid isn’t in the least bit judgemental, is it?” His rhetorical question was asked with more than a little sarcasm.

  Her watched as she pursed her lips and squirmed in her seat. “Look, you and I are nothing to each other so what you get up to is—”

  He banged his hand on the dashboard. “Why the hell do you keep feeling that it’s necessary to be so hostile? I thought we’d made some headway, Cat. I thought at least we could be friends. Am I so abhorrent to you?” His voice became louder. “Am I such a nasty bastard that you can’t even contemplate being civil to me? Being friends with me?”

  She slammed her hand on the indicator and pulled the car to a halt at the side of the road. Turning in her seat, she faced him, her eyes wide and angry. “Hey! Just you wait a damned minute. Have I been decent enough to bring you shopping? Have I not helped you out here? Did I not stay with you and worry over you when you collapsed?”

  “Yes! You did and that’s why I don’t get this.” He gestured back and forth between them. “This fucking negative attitude you have towards me. One minute you’re being nice and I think things are improving and the next you’re making some fucking snide comment!”

  Her bottom lip quivered as she shouted back at him. “Don’t you dare shout at me in my own car! I’ve gone out of my way to help you in spite of my inner voice telling me I’m crazy to do so. So don’t you dare tell me that I’m not being a friend. Don’t you dare!” Her voice wavered and guilt twinged inside of him.

  Deciding it wasn’t worth the effort and feeling rather drained thanks to the events of the short day, he turned to face front, folded his arms over his chest, rested his head back and closed his eyes. He resolved there was no point trying anymore. He would simply just stay quiet.

  ♫♫♫

  Catriona

  By the time they arrived back dusk had descended on Gairloch. They pulled up outside the pub and Nick climbed out before slamming the door a little too hard for Cat’s liking. He opened the back of the car and began pulling out bags.

  “Hang on and I’ll help you,” she offered.

  “Don’t bother,” he growled in response. “I wouldn’t want you to put yourself out for me more than you already have.”

  His attitude toward her now was ice cold and she didn’t like it one bit. “Come on, Nick. Don’t be like that.”

  With arms loaded up with bags and boxes, he gave her a look that could’ve curdled milk, and stomped away.

  Filled with regret she huffed and locked the car. Guilt washed over her as she thought back to the things she had said to him. She had judged him. Again. And it was unfair considering what he’d been through and how nice he had been. Okay, so having a famous rock star turn up unannounced in her peaceful village was a little disconcerting but she’d witnessed first-hand how hard things had been for him. Seeing him in such a panicked state earlier had really shaken her. And now she’d been a complete bitch. Again.

  Walking into the living quarters of the pub, she was greeted by the excited yips of JD, her Border Terrier. She dropped her bag on the sofa and plopped herself down, allowing the dog to jump on her lap for a belly rub. As she scratched the happy pup behind the ears she toyed with the idea of going up to check that Nick was okay but then decided against it. He was obviously pissed off with her and she decided that maybe a little distance would be good for both of them.

  “Oh, there you are, love.” Her dad appeared in the doorway. “Nick left these bags with me. He said they were yours.”

  She craned her neck around to look. “Oh. I presumed he’d just send them back.”

  Her dad frowned. “Why would he do that if you bought them?”

  Another pang of guilt knotted her insides. “That’s just it, Dad. I didn’t buy them. He did.”

  He nodded. “Oh. I see.” The confused expression he wore told her he really didn’t see. “And so…he would be sending them back because…?”

  She rolled her eyes and dropped her head back. “Because I was a complete judgemental bitch, Dad, that’s why.”

  “Ah.”

  “Yes…ah. What can I say? He brings out the worst of me.”

  Her dad rubbed his chin. “Well…maybe you should go and apologise. He seems like a decent sort, all things considered.”

  Nope. I’m the last person he wants knocking on his door. “I’ll leave him tonight. I’m not sure he’d let me in anyway.”

  Her dad walked over and squeezed her shoulder. “Well, you know what’s best, love. Anyway, I’d better not leave the bar for too long. It’s quite busy out there tonight.”

  She patted his hand where it lay on her shoulder. “Okay, well seeing as it’s my night off I’m taking a glass of wine, JD, a sandwich and a book and I’m off to bed now.”

  “Are you ill? It’s only early, love.”

  “Yes, I know. I just… I’m tired and I can’t be arsed to watch TV. Today was quite ... draining.”

  Her dad shook his head and left her to it. She stood, picked the bags up and carried them through to her room closely followed by JD and his wildly wagging little tail. After closing the door she began to take things out of the bags and hold them up to examine what Nick had chosen for her. It felt strange and a bit wrong to have been bought beautiful clothes by someone she hardly knew. But the items he had selected were lovely. Cashmeres and silks with price tags showing figures that would feed a family for a month. But returning them would probably add to the angst between them.

  “What should I do, JD? Take them back, eh boy?” The dog tilted his head to one side and gave a whiny grumble. “Lots of use you are,” she told him as she reached out to pet him once more.


  She’d sleep on it. Maybe she’d tell Cam that she’d won some money and treated herself.

  Hmmm. Would he buy that, I wonder?

  ♫♫♫

  Nick

  Nick awoke to the new day feeling more than a little trepidation about his move into Rockhill Cottage on account of Cat’s reaction to him staying around. Talk about feeling unwelcome. And to top that off all he had were the new things he had bought to wear and a mattress that was being delivered later that day. He would have to make do with the remaining furniture belonging to the old guy who had lived there before. When he had looked around with the estate agent he had thought the furniture was clean enough, if a little dated. He decided he’d find somewhere with decent internet signal and see if he could locate a branch of IKEA to kit the house out further if necessary, and in the meantime he could ask Tam for the loan of some cleaning products so he could start making the place more habitable.

  Being famous had its perks. The estate agent—who wouldn’t make house calls under normal circumstances—had called by the pub early on to drop off the keys to his new place, enabling him to get in by ten, complete with his borrowed bucket, bleach and disinfectant.

  On opening the tatty wooden door he was reminded how long the house had been left empty. Dust moats floated around in the stale air and he immediately began sneezing. After opening all the windows to allow the freezing air to circulate he connected his little portable speaker to his phone, flicked through his playlists until he found his favourite Black Stone Cherry track, “Stay”, and hit play. He rolled up his sleeves, filled the bucket with hot, soapy water and got down on his hands and knees to scrub the tile floor.

  “Well…I never thought I would see this.”

  Nick’s head swung around and he was greeted with a rather smug looking Cat standing, arms folded, and peering down at him from the open door frame where she leaned.

  “Yeah, well, I’ve never been afraid of a little hard work. You shouldn’t judge the rock star by the designer gear.” He didn’t smile. It wasn’t meant to be friendly and the way her expression dropped told him he had hit the mark.

  She stepped tentatively toward him. “Look…about that…I’m sorry, okay? I was mean and it was uncalled for. I have no right to judge you.”

  He turned away and continued with his work. “Yep. You have no right.”

  She sighed. “I’m apologising. And I brought breakfast.”

  He heard a paper bag rustling but, keeping his eyes on the task in hand, he informed her, “I’m not hungry.”

  “Oh come on, crabbit pants. I went to the bakery especially. I’ve got some pain au chocolat and fresh coffee. Surely you’re not going to pretend you’re not interested.”

  That gorgeous Scottish accent got him every time, not to mention the tantalising, earthy aroma wafting through the air from the hot drinks. He glanced up at her again and she was holding out a brown paper bag and a cardboard tray, complete with two paper coffee cups. She was pouting and batting her eyelids just as he had done in the car the day before. He tried to stifle the smile that was doing its best to spread across his face but failed miserably and she smiled warmly in return.

  He rose to his feet. “Well you’d better come in then.” He gestured to the small pine table that sat against the wall in the kitchen.

  “What’re you listening to?” She tiptoed across the floor, avoiding the areas he had cleaned.

  He pulled both chairs out. “Just some screechy crap you wouldn’t want to know about with your fine-tuned musical tastes.” He smirked and made a face at her.

  “Funny.” She pulled out her tongue. “Actually I really like this guy’s voice. Quite sexy.”

  “The band’s one of my favourites. They’re called Black Stone Cherry.”

  She nodded and then paused to listen for a moment. “The lyrics are nice. Kind of sad but ... ”

  “Heartbreak and loss. The best poetic fuel for song writing.”

  Tilting her head she eyed him curiously. “Is that what you write about? Heartbreak and loss?”

  He shrugged. “Sometimes.”

  She made a snorting noise. “Aren’t you the love ‘em and leave ‘em type?”

  “You might be surprised.”

  She narrowed her eyes disbelievingly. “Hmm. This guy sounds like you, you know?”

  Nick considered himself hard to embarrass but nonetheless his cheeks became warmer. “Really? Wow, thanks. That’s a real compliment. I had no idea you knew what I sounded like.”

  A sexy smile spread across her face. “You might be surprised.” She used his own words back at him. “But don’t go getting all muckle headed on me.”

  “I’ve no idea what that even means. Anyway, where’s Cam?”

  Her smile disappeared. “Oh…he had to go to Inverness for work.”

  “What is it that he does exactly?”

  “He manages the business side of the family farm. It takes him away quite a bit.”

  “That must be hard for you. If he’s away a lot.”

  She shrugged with what appeared to be forced nonchalance and sat. “Not really. I’m used to it.”

  He joined her at the table, reached into the bag to grab out the pastry that was still warm and was greeted by the mouth-watering aroma of melting chocolate. His stomach growled in appreciation. “So have you guys been together a long time?”

  “On and off since high school. We had a long break and he met someone else but when that didn’t work out we ended up back together.” There was a silent pause for a few minutes as they ate their breakfast and drank their coffee.

  Catriona eventually broke the silence again. “So…how about you? Any long term relationships under your belt?” Her cheeks coloured cerise and she cleared her throat. “Oh gosh, listen to me talking to you as if we’re mates. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry.”

  Pulling his brows in, he shook his head. “No, don’t apologise. I’d really like it if we were mates. And to answer your question…no. It’s quite staggering really. I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve never had what you could call a serious relationship. I’ve thought I’ve been in love in the past but then it’s always gone sour.” The admission of the fact made him sad.

  “Never met the right girl, eh?”

  He shook his head. “Never. I think it’s easy to just go along with the sex and dismiss the fact that love is what us humans ultimately crave. And anyway…I’m not really sure I could trust anyone to want me for…me.”

  Her hand paused on its way to her mouth. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I’m a famous rock star. Or should I say infamous? Women want me for sex or to further their own chances of hitting the big time. You’d be surprised at how many girls have left me their CD after we’ve slept together, thinking that just ‘cos we’ve made the beast with two backs I’ll back her for a recording contract.”

  Cat laughed. “Really? Oh my God, that’s terrible…and a little bit sad.” Her sparkling green eyes softened on him. “You must get lonely.”

  He leaned back in his chair and contemplated her words. “Do you know what? I never actually realised it until the day of that first panic attack, but yes…I do feel kind of lonely. I have the band and they’re family to me but…it’d be nice to have someone to share it all with, you know?”

  Her gaze fell to her coffee cup. “Trouble is there aren’t many women out there who’d put up with the womanising and the tours.”

  “In all honesty, Cat, and I know this may sound cheesy but…I think I’m done. I think if I ever get through this anxiety shit it will have changed me for the better. I think the fame and the money brought out the worst in me. But now… I think I want more. I want something for me. Someone for me. Someone I can trust and who’s…real. If she even exists.”

  “Well, I hope for your sake she does.”

  Nick looked over at her again and she smiled back at him. She really was beautiful. When she wasn’t having a dig at him and being all judgemental, that is. />
  Realising he was staring, he rubbed his hands over his face. “Anyway, I’d better get back on with the cleaning. So I’ll see you later? Thanks for breakfast, Cat. You’re very sweet…sometimes.” He winked at her.

  “Oy, cheeky! And anyway, I came to help. What can I do?”

  Rather taken aback by her offer of help he decided to grab it with both hands. “Well, I was going to clean out the kitchen cabinets next.”

  She clicked her fingers. “I’m on it like a car bonnet.” She dragged her long wavy hair and twiddled with it a little. Nick crouched back to the floor and watched her hands at work, mesmerised. Her auburn tresses ended up in a kind of knot at the top of her head. Women never ceased to amaze him in this area. He struggled with tying his mane into a simple pony tail and here she was putting hers in a stylish up-do in one easy manoeuvre. Once again he noticed her long slender neck—not giraffe-like and awkward—graceful like a ballerina.

  “Want me to change the music?” He nodded to his phone.

  She smiled down at him and shook her head. “Nah. Let’s see if you can convert me, eh?” She winked and his stomach fluttered a little.

  “Sure. No worries.” He returned his attention to the floor but every so often he glanced up and watched her surreptitiously. She was bobbing her head in time with the music and he couldn’t help grinning at the fact.

  Her top had slipped off one shoulder, revealing her smooth, alabaster skin, and a birth mark shaped like a rabbit. Strands of hair had fallen loose from the knot and he wondered how soft it would feel between his fingers.

  It was a fact; Camden was one seriously lucky bloke.

  A couple of hours later and the place started to resemble a home. All he needed to do now was go food shopping and get some wood delivered for the stove. Having the windows open had been fine when they were working hard but once they stopped Cat began to shiver and he had the urge to fling a blanket around her to warm her up. Although all he had to hand was the shirt on his back and that was sticking to his skin with sweat.