Wishing on a Star

by M. Stratton

  As her hand reached out for the railing at her neighbor’s house, he materialized behind her, yanking her hair back, exposing her throat. The gurgle of the blood mixing with the air filled her ears as everything became dim and faded to nothing.

  Wrapped in blankets, Hannah sat on the edge of her bed watching the sunrays slowly touch the buildings in Tucson. Ever since she had met Royce, she’d been having more nightmares. She knew why, but wasn’t willing to fully admit it to herself yet.

  She stood up, knowing the only way to alleviate the aches and pains in her body was to start moving. As soon as she walked into the exercise room, she cranked up Metallica and laced her gloves. Staring at the heavy bag, she closed her eyes and tried to center herself.

  The nightmares took so much out of her, and it seemed to take more and more each time.

  As the sound of the drums and guitar filled the room, she pulled her arm back and threw the first punch, feeling the shock wave go up her arm. Over and over she hit the bag, each time trying to beat back the memories, each time feeling the blows he rained on her body.

  Minutes turned into hours before she could no longer lift her arm to throw another punch. Leaning her head against the bag, her breath heaving in and out was the only sound as the CD ended long ago.

  “Are you ready to talk?”

  Hannah’s breath hitched in her chest and she turned around to see Royce leaning up against the doorjamb, with his arms crossed over his chest. Straightening up, she hated how her voice pitched high when she spoke. “Just how in the hell did you get in here?”

  “Desperate times.” He shrugged. “Desperate measures.”

  “That’s no answer.” She tried to hold onto her strength. She didn’t want to appear weak in front of him.

  “That’s all you’re getting until you answer some of your own.”

  “You can leave the way you came.” She tried to brush by him but he blocked her. “I suggest you get out of my way and don’t let the door hit you in the ass. It’s over.”

  A look of intimidation was something Hannah had perfected years earlier. It didn’t matter to her that on the inside she was quivering in fear, as long as her hardness made people back away. Everything inside of her wanted him gone; she couldn’t deal with him, especially not after the nightmare.

  “Why won’t you let me in? Why won’t you let me help you?”

  Trying to stand her ground, she didn’t break eye contact. Having him in front of her was making her weak. All their conversations, the closeness they felt from the very beginning came rushing back. He looked so good. She only wanted to allow herself to curl up in his arms and let him take care of her, but her past wouldn’t release its hold on her. “You can’t help me with my demons.”

  “Lady, we all have demons. Do you think mine are gone? No, I live with them and my actions every damn day.”

  She told herself repeatedly not to break. Don’t give in, no matter how much he looks like he’s concerned. She thought she knew what love was before and it almost killed her; there was no way she could do it again. Marc had told her many times as he beat it into her that no one else would love her. Her scars sat heavily on her heart. She’d never be able to trust anyone again.

  “Fine.” Royce sighed. “Then let’s try this. Why did you leave? Why won’t you accept my calls? Why won’t you let me touch you again?”

  A rush of heat pulsated through her body. Before she could stop herself, the words were out. “Because I don’t know if I could survive you,” she practically screamed at him. She gasped, realizing what she had shared. Once more, control was taken from her, and once more, she was left defenseless. There was no way he would have pulled that much out of her if it wasn’t for that damn nightmare. She looked anywhere but at him.

  “What the fuck are you talking about? Hannah, you know me. I could never hurt you.”

  Still not looking at him, she tried to push past him. “You don’t understand.” She needed to get away.

  Wrapping his arms around her, Royce stopped her, and in doing so forced her to look at him. “Then make me.”

  “Fine!” She tried to wiggle out of his arms and away from him, but he wouldn’t let her go. Panic built in her belly. “You’re too much, too much of everything. And dammit, it makes me feel too much. I’d spent years burying everything, and you’ve brought it all back up to the surface. Don’t you understand? You make me feel alive again.” A sob sat on her chest. Thoughts which she had held back from herself and Royce were finally floating in the air, surrounding them. She had hoped to feel a sense of relief after admitting her depth of emotion aloud. Instead, fear remained in her belly. What had she done? She’d gone and told him she had feelings for him. What if he threw it back in her face? What if he didn’t feel the same way? Her insecurities came to the surface and she tried desperately to keep them buried.

  “Honey, that’s not a bad thing. Take it from someone who used to take any drug known to man to numb life.”

  She knew his past, knew what he’d gone through, what he overcame, but it was different for him. “Yes, it is a bad thing, because sooner or later, it’s going to end and I don’t know if I would survive the ending.” She hated herself when a tear ran down her cheek; she roughly brushed it away with her hand.

  Royce placed shaking fingers under her chin and made her look at him. “Hannah, there is nothing saying I’d be able to survive the ending. There are no guarantees in life. We take each day as it comes and we try to do our best, but that is all we can do.”

  “We can try and protect ourselves.”

  “And even in the end, what we do is never enough. You can prepare for every situation, but there will always be one you never think of.”

  “We just have to try harder.”

  “Or, we could lean on someone. Someone who has only your best interest at heart.”

  Taking a deep breath, she knew she couldn’t hold out any longer. The walls she had built around herself to keep her safe started to crumble. “The last time I did that, it didn’t end well.”

  “Hannah, you’re alive. You’re here. You can’t push every male away because of how one relationship ended. We all aren’t like him.”

  “How . . . how do you know?”

  “When you left, and then shut me out, I had to find out everything I could.”

  “You . . . you investigated me?” Anger built in her, gradually replacing her fear. If she could hold onto that, then maybe she could still push him away before she lost herself.

  “No, I wouldn’t call it investigate, more like do some internet searches. It’s public record what Marc Clark did to you, and the jail sentence he is still serving.”

  “That you don’t have to remind me of.” She was finally able to get out of his arms. Crossing over to the small refrigerator, she pulled a water bottle out and drank it. He knows. Her fingers clutched around the bottle. He knows everything. She felt him come up behind her.

  “I think you’re very brave.”

  She laughed humorlessly. “Brave has nothing to do with it. I’m stubborn, too stubborn to die.”

  “I’ll give you stubborn, but I’d say you’re too stubborn to live.”

  Whirling around, she slammed the palm of her hands on his chest. “Fuck you. You have no idea.”

  Raising his voice, he grabbed her wrists to stop her from doing it again. “No, I don’t have any idea because you won’t let me in.”

  “I can’t, dammit.”

  “You can!” He roughly pulled her against him and kissed her.

  At first, she wanted to fight him, but all too quickly being in his arms again, his lips against hers, brought back the memories they shared in London. And she wanted more—she craved more and craved it with her whole being. Giving in, she allowed him to ravish her mouth until they were both out of breath.

  “Don’t you understand,” he whispered as the laid his forehead against hers, “I’m a selfish bastard and knew better than to never allow myself to care for someone
else more than I care for me. But you, you’ve changed it. You’ve changed me. My life without you is as empty as it was when I was a drug addict who couldn’t ever have enough alcohol to drown my self-inflicted sorrows or find enough pills to dull the pain. And that, my beautiful Hannah, scared the shit out of me. You have all the power. All I can do is pray I am strong enough to show you the love you deserve.”

  Hannah stood, touching the only man she’d let get this close to her since Marc. She listened, her heart beating double time, when he told her she was the one in charge. She thought of Lissa and Will, how happy they were. She thought of Royce, how they had become fast friends, her movie star crush, who was practically laying his heart down at her feet. They both had their demons. It wasn’t going to be easy, but maybe she could try. She fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “Are you sure?”

  “Honey, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

  “Then, we should talk.”

  He framed her face with his hands and smiled at her, “It’s about time.”

  “Ass.”

  “Always.” Royce smiled and grabbed her in a big bear hug.

  Hannah’s eyes flew open and she couldn’t believe it; the sun was up. She never slept this late, nor did she wake up at all during the night, which was a complete rarity. Royce. That one word made her go still. She tried to control her breathing, using her senses to see if he was still next to her in bed. Slowly, she reached out a hand but couldn’t feel him there.

  Rolling onto her back, she stared at the ceiling. They’d spent the rest of the day talking about their demons, getting everything out in the open. After opening up, a weight had been taken off her shoulders. What was more significant to her was that he didn’t treat her differently. His demons had been widely reported on in the media, but hearing his whole story was different, all the things the press didn’t know. She didn’t think less of him; in fact, after everything he had overcome with drugs and alcohol, starting at such a young age, it was remarkable he had come out the other side sane.

  The previous night, she became tired earlier than usual. Royce appeared at her bedroom door when she was getting ready for bed. It felt like the most natural thing to ask him to stay with her. As they climbed into bed together, he wrapped his arms around her and Hannah couldn’t think of anything better than falling asleep in his arms. It was something they weren’t able to do in London.

  The last thing she remembered before falling asleep was asking him not to leave, and he said he wouldn’t, but she was alone when she woke.

  “You sleep like the dead. I don’t think you moved at all during the night.”

  He didn’t leave. “Yeah, well, making the bed is easy that way.”

  Royce walked over, and set a tray down on the table next to the bed, and sat down next to her. “Honey, if there is one thing I know about beds, it’s the fact that a bed should never be easy to make.” He leaned over and pinned her beneath the covers. “You know what I mean?”

  “Umm . . . yeah . . . but . . .” She looked over at the tray full of food. “I’m kind of hungry.”

  “So am I.”

  “For food, Royce, food.”

  “Well, a man can dream.” He moved back and slid the tray next to her. “There you go, and before you say anything, the orange juice is for me. I remember how you refuse to eat or drink anything that is orange.”

  Hannah sat up and smiled at him. “I’m assuming some of this food is for you, too, because I can’t eat all of this.”

  “Of course.” He opened the drapes all the way and climbed into bed with her. “There’s nothing better than breakfast in bed with a beautiful woman.”

  “Unless it’s breakfast in bed with a handsome man.”

  “Not really my thing, but you go ahead.”

  Hannah pushed his shoulder. “Shut up.” They had fallen back into their easy friendship. She didn’t realize how much she’d missed it until he was back in her life.

  Popping a strawberry in his mouth, he wiggled his eyebrows at her. “So, what’s on the agenda today? Lis got you working hard?”

  “As you know, I’m on vacation until after the first of the year.”

  “Oh, really? Well then, honey, what are we going to do? Because if you don’t have any ideas, I have plenty.”

  “I’m sure you do; however, I was planning on going up to Canyon de Chelly, doing some hiking, you know, getting back to nature.”

  “Camping?”

  “Oh, hell no. It’s too cold at night for that. There is a lodge at the entrance to the canyon. And you, are you going to keep the innuendos up?”

  “Honey, I can keep it up as long as you can.”

  “Royce.”

  “Hannah.”

  “We decided we were going to take it slowly.” She held her hand up. “Yes, I know you can do slow; in fact, you’d love to take your time with me.”

  “Oh, come on, do you really think I was going to say that?”

  “Yes.”

  “You wound me.”

  Hannah stared at him, crossed her arms over her chest, and waited for him to speak.

  “Fine, you’re right. That was pretty much what I was going to say.”

  “Ha!”

  “Don’t gloat. I have not yet begun to overwhelm you with sexual innuendo until you finally submit to me.”

  Hannah groaned. “Here.” She popped a strawberry in his mouth. “Why don’t you use that mouth to eat breakfast instead of making lame jokes?”

  “Lame?” he said with a mouthful of berry. “I’ll have you know my jokes are superb.”

  “Superbly lame.”

  Royce placed his hands on top of his heart. “Oh, Hannah, honey, don’t be that way.”

  “So, do you want to go to Canyon de Chelly with me?” Hannah’s heart beat wildly in her chest. She finally understood how Lissa felt with Will, never seeming to have enough time together, always wanting more.

  “I thought you’d never ask.” Royce grinned. “Of course I’d love to go with you. As it happens, I’m also free until after New Year.”

  Hannah couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across her face. They had ten days together. Alone.

  “Stop!” Hannah was finally able to calm down and say the word. She wiped at the tears falling down her face. “My sides hurt from laughing so much.”

  Royce looked over at her from the driver’s seat of her SUV and grinned. “Well, it’s a long drive. I have to do something to keep you entertained.”

  “Yes, but look around you. We’re in the middle of nowhere and there are no bushes. You’re going to make me pee my pants.”

  Leaning forward, he looked out the front windshield and took in the landscape. “You really can see for miles and miles out here.”

  “Makes you kind of feel small and insignificant.”

  “I take it you’ve been up here before?”

  “I love the canyon. I like it better than the Grand Canyon. This one isn’t as large. It’s easier to take the scale of it all in and is also much easier to access the canyon floor. Oh, and now isn’t the right time of year, but during the monsoons, the green of the valley floor is a stark contrast to the color of the canyon walls and is magnificent.”

  “If it’s as wonderful as you say, then we’ll have to plan a trip to come back next monsoon season.”

  Hannah smiled and looked out the window wondering how things would be between them by next year. She’d been doing a good job not thinking of the future, just focusing on the two of them together. The past couple of days had been spent shopping to make sure he had everything he was going to need for the trip, and making sure the house was ready to be closed up for a week.

  With the vast landscape spread out in front of her and his larger-than-life personality quiet for the moment, she was left with her thoughts. She wished she could just jump in with both feet like Lissa did with Will, but she couldn’t. She knew she was going to have to think of every different scenario that may come up and see how
it would affect her.

  They decided to keep to her plan and travel on Christmas Eve as traffic was light, which meant they made good time. Pulling into the lodge, she was surprised when they entered their room and it was a suite and not a regular room as she had booked. “Royce?”

  Setting the luggage down, he shrugged. “Might as well have the extra space.”

  “But . . .”

  “Now, Hannah, honey, don’t but me. Just enjoy. Is that too much to ask?”

  She stuck out her tongue.

  “Now, if Will did this for Lissa what would you say to her when she complained about him spoiling her? Nothing? Yeah, not buying it. Follow your own advice, babe.” He turned and walked toward the window when a pillow hit him in the back of the head. “Hey! Why’d you do that?”

  “Gee, I don’t know, babe. Maybe because I thought I might enjoy it?”

  “Excuse me.” A male voice called from the open door. “Mr. and Mrs. Lazarus? Room service. I have the tray you ordered.”

  “Oh, thank you.” Royce went over and tipped him before showing him back out and closing the door.

  “Lazarus?”

  “Well, it’s like our relationship, rising from the ashes.” He flashed her a grin and burst out laughing when she shook her head and picked up another pillow. “Now, now, we aren’t going to throw another pillow, are we? Because you may not like how this ends.”

  She raised her chin. “You think you can take me?”

  He stalked over to her and stopped inches from her, staring into her eyes. Suddenly, his arm reached out and snaked around her waist, bringing her body to his. Instinctively, her hands went out and grabbed onto his shoulders. The warmth of his body seeped into her. He felt so good; she didn’t want to let go.

  “I can take you any moment I want. I know your body better than my own.” He brushed her hair away from her neck. “I know exactly what you like.” His head dipped and he feathered light kisses down the side of her neck. “There is nothing I’d love more than to spend the next week never leaving that bed.” He nipped at her shoulder. “Showing you exactly how much I’ve missed you.” His tongue flicked at her erratic pulse beating at the base of her throat. “Taking you higher than you’ve ever been before.”