Exposing Alix

by Scott, Inara

  He entered her again and again, until she was teetering on the edge of climax, but it wasn’t enough. In a frenzy of need, he found himself roughly jerking open his pants and freeing his aching cock. Alix moaned and moved her hips against him as he did. He pulled hard on her panties, and they ripped, coming away in his hand in a scrap of silk and lace.

  “I need to be inside you,” he growled. “Do you understand that?” He paused and kissed her hard, waiting for some resistance, but all he heard was her panting and pleading in soft, whispered breaths. With quick, deliberate motions he grabbed the condom he’d thrown into his pocket earlier that night in a fit of supreme optimism, and slipped it on.

  Hungrily, he turned back to Alix and the tip of his cock entered her, just an inch. She gasped, and he withdrew. She was so wet and hot he could have burst right then, but he held back as he entered again, deeper this time. When he withdrew again, the pleasure so intense he was momentarily dizzy. Her tightness squeezed him; her heat burned all around him. He moved inside her again, farther this time. The rhythm was unstoppable, the need overwhelming. He took a deep breath, desperately trying to maintain his control, counting the seconds until he could bury himself completely inside her.

  He needed to take it slow. She wanted to take it slow. He heard the words echoing in his mind but pushed farther, his control a string of silken thread. “Alix, this is right,” he heard himself saying. “This is right.”

  That was when he realized she had frozen and was staring at him, her eyes wide and stricken.

  “Sweetheart?” He stopped, remembering in a rush where he was and exactly what he was doing. “Alix, what…”

  She shook her head, her eyes luminous and cheeks flushed.

  His hands fell away. For a moment, he stayed there, locked between her legs, but all of the pleasure disappeared in an instant at the look on her face. Slowly, he pulled out, and she lowered her leg to the floor. She straightened, her breath coming fast and hard. Ryker stood, frozen, until she turned away and walked to the window. He closed his pants, his cock still hard and painful, his body disconnected from his mind.

  A buzzing came from his pocket. Unable to think, much less process what had just happened, he pulled out his cell phone and checked the caller ID. He flipped open the phone.

  “Jake,” he said, “this better be good.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Alix closed her eyes and tried to focus on the sound of the sultry jazz music that still filled Gunther’s house. Her head was spinning from the combination of the wine, the long, painful night, and Ryker.

  Ryker.

  She focused on her breathing, willing her heart to return to normal. She didn’t know how to describe what had just happened, even to herself. And really, it didn’t matter. She only wished she could undo that moment of panic, the moment when she’d felt him inside her and all her muscles had locked into a painful, terrified state. For the first time in her adult life, she’d wanted it desperately, but her body’s reaction had taken the decision away from her.

  As Ryker barked into the phone, she straightened her dress and panties, wincing at the slick heat of moisture between her legs and the sound of his zipper on the other side of the room. She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear the disappointment she’d see there. It was all over. He would know how messed up she really was. Even when she wanted it, she couldn’t have sex without freaking out. What man would have anything to do with a woman like that?

  She could barely make out the sound of Jake’s voice on the other end of the line. They spoke for only a minute.

  “Fine. Tell her I expect to see her Monday morning, eight a.m.”

  Ryker’s voice held little emotion. He snapped the phone shut and threw it in his pocket. “Lena’s changed her mind.”

  Alix avoided his eyes. “Thank goodness. What happened?”

  “He didn’t say. Just apologized on her behalf and said they’d be ready to go Monday morning.”

  “Were they…together?” She forced herself to think about Lena and Jake, to recall the mess that had been created that morning. If they’d reconciled, it could change everything.

  “I have no idea.”

  Alix heard a trace of irritation in his reply and felt her own temper surge in response. “Not important, I suppose?”

  “Not as far as I’m concerned.”

  She threw up her hands, the cool assurance in his voice curling her nails into her palms. “Of course. What was I thinking? Because it obviously hasn’t been relevant before now. Lena’s relationship with Jake clearly hasn’t affected her acting or her ability to perform the role. You’re absolutely right. Forget I mentioned it.”

  “What do you want me to do? Enroll them in couples counseling?”

  She brushed her hair from her shoulders, relieved to have something, anything, to focus on other than what had just happened between her and Ryker. “We just need to be aware that it’s an issue. Maybe give them a few days to cool off before we try something physical again.”

  He leaned back against the door and frowned. “Hasn’t Lena manipulated us all enough? We have to throw our schedule off too? No way. We’re back on the set at eight a.m. Monday, just like we planned.”

  “I only meant—”

  He cut her off. “I realize you think it’s naïve, but I’d like to believe there’s a world in which actors are professionals and can do their jobs without letting their personal life seep through.”

  “Of course they’re professionals, and of course they try to keep their personal life out of their acting. But they’re also human. There’s something serious between those two. You can’t discount that.”

  “So you think they’re in love, and because of that I’m supposed to change my entire film?”

  She fought to keep her voice calm while frustration coursed through her. “I never said that. But I do think love is the most powerful emotion a human being can experience, and romantic love is inextricably tangled up with sex. You can’t put two people who love each other in a bed together and expect they won’t feel something remarkable. You can barely put two strangers in a bed together and expect that.” She ignored what her words might mean for what had just happened with Ryker and barreled on. “It simply isn’t rational. And yes, you might have to account for that when you’re directing a film.”

  “You know, I’m getting a little tired of being lectured by you on this subject,” he said tightly.

  “I’m just trying to do my job,” she shot back. “You’re paying me to put some romance in your movies, and frankly, that’s never going to happen as long as you insist on treating love like some kind of disease.”

  “And what exactly makes you an expert on love? Last time I checked, you were living alone in a town of five hundred with only a dog for company. That hardly gives me confidence that you’re an expert on relationships.” He gestured toward the door they’d just leaned against. “What just happened here? What kind of game are you playing? One minute you’re hot and ready, and the next you’re looking at me like I’m the devil. Explain how someone so committed to love and sex does that.” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at her.

  “I didn’t mean…” She stopped, needing to catch her breath. “I just…I thought I was ready, but…”

  “What’s really going on with you? You told me you didn’t have sex for a reason. So what’s the reason? Is there a boyfriend lurking somewhere I don’t know about? A fiancé? An ex-husband?”

  The question was so unexpected all she could do for a moment was gape silently at him.

  “No,” she finally whispered. “No boyfriend. No fiancé. No ex-husband.”

  “You weren’t…” He stopped, obviously hesitant to say it aloud.

  The surge of anger that followed was so strong, Alix had to fight the urge to smack him right across his smug, square, jaw. “No, I wasn’t raped or abused. In fact, I slept with anything that moved for a few years. Does that make you happy?”

  “This isn
’t about happy or not happy. I want to know the truth. I want to know why you’re stringing me along.”

  She gasped. “Stringing you along? Look, you bastard, the truth is I made some mistakes in my life, and I suffered because of it. And I’m not going to make them again. I’ve been privileged to see love in a lot of places, shared by a lot of people. I’ve seen it at weddings, and I’ve seen it when people are having sex.” She tried to keep her voice even, though adrenaline was sending little tremors through her body. “Someday, I’m going to have it for myself.”

  Ryker studied her in silence, his arms crossed over his chest. Then he swore under his breath. “Jesus, you really believe this crap, don’t you.”

  Alix had to fight the urge to drop her eyes. “Yes, I do. You may think it’s irrational and childish, but I happen to believe it’s out there.”

  Ryker stepped forward, then back, crossing and uncrossing his arms. Twice started to speak, then stopped. Finally, he jammed his fingers in his pockets and swore again. “And you’re convinced you’re going to bump into Prince Charming someday? You’ll fall in love and then into his bed? Don’t you know how easy you would be to exploit? You’re like a train wreck waiting to happen! Someone is going to convince you he loves you, Alix, just to get you in bed, and then where will you be?”

  “Give me some credit,” she said spitefully. “I’m not a precious virgin, walking around with stars in her eyes. I’m an adult woman who happens to be willing to wait for something real. And believe me, I can tell when it isn’t. I’ve spent my life photographing it, after all. When it’s real, it’s…different. That’s all I can say. I know it when I see it.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Ryker said harshly. “I’m sorry, but you should know the truth. This nonsense about love and sex is a lie—a lie people tell themselves to excuse all sorts of stupid behavior. Lena’s a perfect example. She choked under the pressure of the film, and this whole thing with Jake was a convenient excuse for her to hide behind. I don’t know who sold you a bill of goods, but there’s a reason you haven’t found the magic river of love yet. It doesn’t exist.”

  The venom in his voice drew Alix back. “What have you got against love, anyway? So what if you don’t believe in it. At least it makes other people happy. Is there anything wrong with that?”

  He paced past her to a window overlooking the garden. He rested his hands on the sill for a moment, his shoulders tight, before spinning around to face her again. “When my mother was fifteen, she let herself get seduced by a man who claimed he loved her. Even after she found out that he was married, and even after she had every reason to believe he wanted nothing to do with her or her child, she kept wishing for more. She wouldn’t teach me Spanish, in the hopes that it would make me more appealing to him. She bankrupted herself to put me through private school, so I could sound ‘white.’ She didn’t look at another man for ten years, because she still kept hoping that someday my father would divorce his wife and marry her instead. All because of that lie. So don’t tell me that it’s harmless.”

  His chest heaved, and Alix stared at him, startled by the unexpected emotion in his words.

  “And what about you?” he continued. “Did love save you from all those foster families? Where was love when you needed it? You were deserted by everyone who should have cared for you. Life isn’t a movie, Alix. You, of all people, should know that.”

  The words stabbed through her, bringing with them dark memories of her childhood. She pictured the boys she’d slept with, the dignity she’d lost each time one of them had turned her away. And she remembered being in a park and feeling the blood between her thighs. The panic at the thought of losing the little bit of life that had lived inside her. The flood of emotions sent tears unexpectedly filling her eyes, and she pressed her fingers against them, hoping the tears wouldn’t spill down her cheeks.

  “Shut up,” she whispered.

  “I’m sorry, but you’re living in a dream world, and I think you know it. Doesn’t it seem odd that someone who says she believes in love is a complete recluse? Maybe your problem isn’t that you believe so much in love, but that you don’t believe in it at all. Did you ever consider that?”

  “I don’t have a problem,” she said, swallowing hard to choke back the lump in her throat. “I’m waiting for something real. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “You stood there tonight and let those men make fun of you. I watched you.” He got to his feet and began to pace the room. “You know, I went back and looked through all the press coverage of your movies and not once did I hear you defending them as a tribute to love. Every time the camera came your way, you dodged. You put them off, bored them, whatever, but never once did you defend your work to them like you did to me. Why is that? Why are you so reluctant to talk about the thing you say you believe in so deeply?”

  “It’s not worth it. Not for Hollywood. But my book—”

  “The book you’ve been working on for four years but can’t finish? I heard all about it from Gunther. Did it ever occur to you that you can’t finish the book because you know in your heart it isn’t true?”

  She sucked in a breath, his words cracking in her heart like a whip.

  “No.” She spun around and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. “No.” She took a deep, shuddering breath and focused on blocking out his words.

  “You even had to invent a new persona for yourself when you started telling yourself lies. You turned into Alix Z so you could start over, but what you really started to do was create a fantasy that doesn’t really exist. Of course you can’t publish that book. You’d have to pick a name to stick on it, for one thing. Is it an Alix Z vehicle, or something perhaps by the old Daisy Zahn? And then you’d have to own up to the truth. You’d have to realize that neither Alix or Daisy believes the stories you’ve invented for yourself.”

  “Stop it.” Her voice turned into a whimper. “Please. Please stop.”

  Ryker stopped, something in her words finally reaching him through his anger. He stepped forward and tried to put a hand on her arm. “Shit, Alix, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  She shook him off. “I think you should leave.”

  “But—”

  “Forget it.” She stifled the tears that threatened behind her eyes. “Just go.”

  “I can’t leave you like this.”

  Alix used every ounce of willpower to force an easy smile to her face. “Like what? Listen, Gunther’s probably standing outside that door right now, and he’s only going to be polite for so long.”

  He stared at her, clearly unable to decide what to do next.

  “Forget what I said about giving Lena a break,” she continued. “You’re absolutely right. We’ll get things back on track first thing Monday morning.”

  “Alix—”

  “Drop it, Ryker,” she said, letting just a hint of steel show in her smile. “You’re getting what you want, okay? No emotions. No crazy female to soothe and comfort. You get to leave free and clear. So shut up and don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

  #

  Ryker forced himself not to gaze in the rearview mirror as he sped away from Gunther’s house, knowing he would only feel worse if he had to look for one more minute at Alix’s cold eyes.

  He’d been an ass. A complete ass. Even as the words spilled out of him, he wanted to take them back. But something about watching Alix prostrate herself before those men all night had troubled him to his core, and by the end of the evening, he couldn’t seem to keep it in. And then they’d…well, then he’d felt himself inside of her and had seen her face and felt the stab of guilt so sharp it had taken his breath away.

  She believed in true love. So had his mother. His mother had defended love to him over and over. And what had it gotten her? An illegitimate child and a lifetime of hurt.

  He headed toward the freeway and pulled in behind a line of red taillights. He turned the radio on and then off again. A truck roared past, and he wished he could
be in it, driving anywhere else but back to his cold, empty house.

  He’d never meant to lash out at her. He’d just meant to tell her the truth. It had come out hard and angry, but he’d needed her to understand reality. Somehow, Alix had bought into the most dangerous lie he knew, and if she could only figure that out now, she’d save herself a lot of pain.

  But he’d hurt her. He didn’t even know what kind of pain he’d caused her, but he knew she was hurting, and it cut him to the core.

  Damn.

  He slammed his hand against the steering wheel. In typical chameleon-fashion, she’d gotten herself under control with remarkable speed. By the time Gunther had knocked on the door, there had been no hint of the pain that had racked her body. Only that smooth, impassive mask over her face, and her eyes, lifeless and cold.

  An eighteen-wheeler blared its horn as it passed. The driver extended his middle finger in Ryker’s direction. He looked down at the speedometer and realized he’d slowed down to forty-five. Ryker stamped on the gas pedal, and the tiny car shot ahead.

  What if she hadn’t frozen back there at Gunther’s house? He would never have understood how deep her emotions went. They would have had sex. He would have brought her home and buried himself in her over and over again. Somewhere in his groin there was a surge of possessive heat as he recalled that moment against the door, imagined what it would have been like to fully claim her. Make her his own.

  He shook his head, dismissing his own absurd, destructive thoughts. She would have imagined herself in love with him. Perhaps she already did. Alix was his worst nightmare—a woman committed to the fantasy of love. A fantasy even she, somewhere in her heart, knew was false.

  One thing was clear—he must never touch her again. From the beginning, he had thought she was offering him a game, some amusement to distract him from the movie. Over time, she’d become an itch that simply needed to be scratched. An itch that just kept getting stronger. The need to capture Alix and lose himself inside her had overpowered him tonight. Even after all that had happened, as he said good-bye at Gunther’s door he’d wanted to keep holding her hand, to press her body against his and damn the consequences.